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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    West country
    Posts
    2,882

    Feeling like a waste of space

    For a few weeks now i've been feeling deeply unfulfilled. I feel I do nothing of any real value and i'm not getting better so i feeling like likelihood that i will in the future isn't great. I'm not well enough to work, I'm still trying to work out if i'm well enough to do an MA before i apply, but if i'm not, what next? I don't get out much and when I do its not much further than the supermarket. When i am here on my own i'm getting stupidly lonely. I'm getting depressed too, and i've spoken to a CPN and they've stuck me on waiting list for EMDR, but nothing in the meanwhile. I've joined local clubs and stuff but if i don't have the energy to go and someone to take me, I'm stuffed. I really don't like what i see in the mirror, I've put on weight since getting ill but don't have the stamina to lose it. I really don't know what to do. Im starting to see no point in getting out of bed anymore.
    Life is a hard race

    Its an uphill battle
    Like being shackled to a rock, struggling up the mountain

    But the elation at the top of every peak
    Is worth all the heart ache and every tear

    One Eye on the Unknown

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Oct 2001
    Location
    Somewhere full of muscle
    Posts
    8,744
    Quote Originally Posted by Miss_Riot View Post
    feeling deeply unfulfilled.
    Have you tried one of these ?


    http://vbulletin.thesite.org/showthr...23#post2490923

    Sorry, couldn't resist.

    I don't really have any practical advice, except to say you're not alone. Well you are, that's one of the problms But you know what i mean

    I'm in a similar situation. I dont go out because i don't want to go out (agro/socio/do-dah phobia type thing), coz i'm fat and not that attractive (that one really hit me the other day), i have limited mobility and am in pain a lot and quite frankly i'm a cunt when i'm out. I get scared/stressed>>>i get angry>>>i do/say cunty things, vicious cycle type thing so the way to break it is not go out.


    I speak to nobody about anything. I have Leigh of course, but he doesn't understand and when i do talk about what's in my head, he looks lost and hurt like a 5 year old who's just been told he's not going to Disneyland tomorrow. So i just don't say anything and pretend everything's rosy even though my stoopid fucking brain won't shut the fuck up and talking at me.


    Are there any charities concerned with your illness ? and if so do they do social support. THT do the buddy thing, but when i had them i didnt see them that often, maybe once or twice a month, but its free and at least something. Maybe take you to something ? There was also a charity called Adulum (cunts) who gave you 'social support' through your housing benefit. They were shit though. They were a 'just released from prison' charity who tacked on the AIDS boys as a source of income. Housing benefit paid them £74 a week (this was 10 years ago or so) and i got, drum roll please, 90 minutes a fucking month ! 90 minutes for in excess of £300, which was diverted to the main part of their charity.


    Is there anythng you can do the day(s) before you go to some social do to conserve your energy ?
    I've got plenty of baggage and i don't expect anyone to carry it for me. But you can have a good rummage through it if you'd like.

    katralla - That's right, I am Kev, and I am a slut.


    Munkey, Ruudy & Friends

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    West country
    Posts
    2,882
    Yeah not get out of bed and do whatever I can to get copious amounts of stage 3 sleep (which is near impossible as I can hardly get any now). I just go and then feel the consequences for the following week or more.

    Fibromyalgia isn't well enough known and its contentious because so many people still think ME & fibro are yuppie flu. There's no funding for research let alone social support. And Gloucestershire seems like a black hole for charity support!
    Life is a hard race

    Its an uphill battle
    Like being shackled to a rock, struggling up the mountain

    But the elation at the top of every peak
    Is worth all the heart ache and every tear

    One Eye on the Unknown

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Aug 2003
    Location
    Bristol
    Posts
    2,006
    Hey Miss_Riot

    It sounds like you're stuck in a bit of a viscous circle right now. When you're in a lot of pain and you have no energy it's not surprising that you don't feel motivated

    I just did a bit of searching and I found a couple of sites that list support groups for Fibromyalgia:

    Fibromyalgia Association

    UK Fibromyalgia - this one links directly to the page of groups in the South West, there are quite a few.

    I don't know if you've investigated these before, but just in case they're of use.

    With the MA, maybe you should just apply and then see nearer the time if you feel well enough to do it? If you don't apply and then regret it you'll have to wait another year.
    "Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut." Ernest Hemmingway

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    West country
    Posts
    2,882
    Thanks spanner.

    Ive had a fair bit of contact with them, local groups are just a moaning competition, or into campaigning on a national level. Support doesn't really come into it, people just say "oh you're so young to have fibro" because the majority of people with it are over 50.

    I really feel stuck. I keep trying to talk to friends, and even my CPN didn't really get it tbh...
    Life is a hard race

    Its an uphill battle
    Like being shackled to a rock, struggling up the mountain

    But the elation at the top of every peak
    Is worth all the heart ache and every tear

    One Eye on the Unknown

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Aug 2003
    Location
    Bristol
    Posts
    2,006
    I thought you would probably have known about them - sorry they weren't much use.
    It's good that you're trying to make family and friends realise what it's like - keep trying... they should be supporting you through this
    "Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut." Ernest Hemmingway

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    West country
    Posts
    2,882
    Im trying to get my head around this horrible feeling of chronic loneliness. I put on facebook that I'm in a fair bit of pain so i need to have a couple of days in bed, but i end up feeling even more useless and depressed and lonely. I like being around people, it makes me feel valued, were as right now when i'm sat at home i seem to quickly get bored if I haven't got something to be doing and i feel lonely really quickly. A friend suggested i get people over, but it seems really hard, most of my friends are busy during the day and even on the weekends they're having downtime so they're busy then too. Im really not sure what to do, other than fill my time up with learning stuff and making stuff at home - but if I'm constantly doing it i end up seriously mentally tired. I feel like I'm damned if i do and I'm damned if i don't.
    Life is a hard race

    Its an uphill battle
    Like being shackled to a rock, struggling up the mountain

    But the elation at the top of every peak
    Is worth all the heart ache and every tear

    One Eye on the Unknown

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Posts
    2,242
    Quote Originally Posted by Miss_Riot View Post
    Im trying to get my head around this horrible feeling of chronic loneliness. I put on facebook that I'm in a fair bit of pain so i need to have a couple of days in bed, but i end up feeling even more useless and depressed and lonely. I like being around people, it makes me feel valued, were as right now when i'm sat at home i seem to quickly get bored if I haven't got something to be doing and i feel lonely really quickly. A friend suggested i get people over, but it seems really hard, most of my friends are busy during the day and even on the weekends they're having downtime so they're busy then too. Im really not sure what to do, other than fill my time up with learning stuff and making stuff at home - but if I'm constantly doing it i end up seriously mentally tired. I feel like I'm damned if i do and I'm damned if i don't.
    Why don't you learn a new language? I appreciate that might be a kind of geeky thing that you might not be into, but even if I just learn a tiny bit or a few words, I find it really satisfying and it always makes me feel a little bit better about myself.

    Btw, where do you live in the Westocuntry? I'm in Plymouth so I dunno how near that is to you.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    West country
    Posts
    2,882
    I'm the opposite end in Gloucestershire.

    I've been trying to learn German for years and struggle. I've got a load of things which are on my list to learn, and I want to put some time into it, but I don't always have that much mental energy. But it's something for me to do.
    Life is a hard race

    Its an uphill battle
    Like being shackled to a rock, struggling up the mountain

    But the elation at the top of every peak
    Is worth all the heart ache and every tear

    One Eye on the Unknown

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Oct 2002
    Location
    London
    Posts
    9,737
    Be kind to yourself.

    Big hugs.

    Rg x
    Blessed are the cracked for they let in the light.

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    West country
    Posts
    2,882
    The rest of the world feels like its really not being very kind. Its hard to be kind when everyone around me asides a few select friends are being fairly harsh.
    Life is a hard race

    Its an uphill battle
    Like being shackled to a rock, struggling up the mountain

    But the elation at the top of every peak
    Is worth all the heart ache and every tear

    One Eye on the Unknown

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    West country
    Posts
    2,882
    I feel utterly bereft. The OU has cancelled the course i wanted to do, and theres no alternative and i'm not well enough to go to a bricks and mortar uni. Theres a real possibility that i have ankylosing spondylitis as well as fibromyalgia, i feel like i have nothing left for me to continue asides for the fact i couldn't put those around me through the pain of losing me. I feel like I'm supporting those around me more than i am being supported. My asthma is getting worse. I'm yet again for the third time wondering if im well enough to do the princes trust course in two weeks time. Im a total fucking waste of space
    Life is a hard race

    Its an uphill battle
    Like being shackled to a rock, struggling up the mountain

    But the elation at the top of every peak
    Is worth all the heart ache and every tear

    One Eye on the Unknown

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