Despite medical people saying I'm fine, I'm not allowed to drive, or even hold a driving license, I'm not allowed to work and as I discovered this week, I'm not allowed to go to Scotland for a few days to have some space without everyone freaking out and sending the police after me.
I realised today that because I'm not entitled to help because I'm “fine”, things aren't going to be resolved; they're just going to sit being painful and unmanageable. I'm trying so hard to not destroy myself. I've stopped drinking to numb the pain and I'm trying to pretend I'm fine because maybe if I do that then I really will be but it's not working. I am really unhappy. I'm scared. I don't feel safe. I don't feel like I have a future anymore. Honestly, I want to be in hospital but I can't be. I don't know what else to say, I wanted to get everything out but I don't know how to, it's ended with me crying hysterically and feeling worse than I did before. I’m not well.
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03-05-2012 12:32 PM #1
03-05-2012 12:50 PM #2
Book a GP appointment and say to them that you don't understand how they can class you as fine. Explain to them how you feel, and what you feel like doing. If that doesn't work then I know that there is some support you can get to do with things you have been through, although it would be specific support for certain things.
I'll inbox you some links if you like? I think if you got help through those groups then they'd see how much you aren't coping, and would probably speak to your GP if you gave them permission.
Keep going hun, lots of people love you, and really do care about you. You're doing so well at the moment, and I know you can't see it but compared to a few months ago you're doing better Stopping drinking is a huge step! Well done for that.The headlights from passing cars
They illuminate my face then leave me the dark
The voice of Nirvana says, "Come as you are"
And I will
03-05-2012 02:09 PM #3
I know you were going to college before to keep something going in day-to-day life and then you got a brilliant uni offer that you felt proud of, but perhaps now feel it's too much to take on in the circumstances... Getting this place was a massive achievement though and fully shows what your capabilities are in the long term and so even if you don't take it this time, that possibility is there for you when you do feel better able to manage.
For now though, as B-A says, stopping drinking is a major step and so it's important that you have something sustainable to replace it with. What kind of thing do you find is best in fighting any urges to drink at the moment?Become a fan of TheSite.org on facebook
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03-05-2012 02:29 PM #4
I'm seeing my GP on Wednesday. I tried to get an earlier appointment but they don't have any, same with the nurse.
It's not so much the urges to drink which I'm struggling with, more self harm. I gave in earlier and now hate myself. But that's not through regret, it's because it's not as bad as I want it to be and that's a really horrible feeling. I don't feel safe. I know my ex can't hurt me now, but there are so many reminders of him. I feel physicaly sick looking at or being in my bed because of him. I don't trust myself.
03-05-2012 06:55 PM #5
"i'm finding a meaning. Once you say, finally 'now i've got it,' then you've lost it, because you're dragging it down to something very limited. It's an on-going process and the meaning of life itself. One is continually going into the depths of yourself, discovering a strength, a presence perhaps, in heart of yourself." Karen Armstrong
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04-05-2012 12:38 AM #6
the A&E decision was taken out of my hands. I overdosed, police and paramedics appeared, I was taken to A&E. I was honest, told that what I wanted to do and it was ignored. According to the doctor there's no cause for concern because I made myself sick. I wasn't allowed to see the on-call pysch team. I think I'm going to be fined for causing another disturbance where I live. I don't have money floating around. Yeah it's my fault but I feel like shit and I'm in so much pain. I can't do this but I'm not being listened to.
04-05-2012 03:45 PM #7
College found out. I'm being fined and I'm on my final warning before being thrown out.
I'm so unhappy. It's so messed up and I don't know what to do.
04-05-2012 05:04 PM #8
Ella, I'm so sorry that your experience at A&E wasn't what you expected and that you're feeling like no one is listening It sounds so strange to me that you weren't able to speak to the psych team even and that they could send you away. Your actions show just how much you're hurting right now and we can certainly acknowledge that.
You deserve help and support and I really urge you to keep asking for it as exhausting as it must be. You know we're hear to listen and that we genuinely care about you and your wellbeing, if we could jump through the screen scoop you up and give you a hug we would!
Is there any counselling services through the college that you could use? What happened with the GP on Wednesday? I'm wondering if you have a good relationship with your GP coz it might be worth asking to see a different one? Or can you think of someone that has really listened in the past that you could turn to again?
If you're feeling alone then don't forget about Supportline or Samaritans, I know they're offered you some solace before. Thinking of you"The greater the problems you've survived, the richer your hidden history of achievement is likely to be."
05-05-2012 11:42 AM #9
Thanks for your reply Jo.
I'm seeing a counsellor at college, she's said that she's going to appeal against me being fined on my behalf, but I think I'll be fined anyway. She's really nice, but she keeps saying that it's not a specialist service so there's only so much I'm able to talk about.
I've got a GP appointment this Wednesday coming, I'm not expecting much from it. Possibly a change of meds. I'm going to be by myself until Tuesday because everyone has gone home to see their family for the bank holiday. The combination of having various family plans rubbed in my face and now being alone is making me feel worse.
I don't know what it's going to take for someone to listen. That really scares me.
05-05-2012 11:52 AM #10TheSite.org Elder
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Can you get someone to write a letter to your GP stating all what's been mentioned? Or someone to come to the GP appointment with you and state how you've really been? I'm quite shocked that they claim you're fine. What you've written on here, states otherwise.
05-05-2012 12:16 PM #11
My GP will know about Thursday from my medical records. Knowing my GP, a letter wouldn't make any difference; a couple of months ago there was an incident again involving police and paramedics when I said I felt suicidal. A friend took me to the GP and said what had happened and that was ignored.
09-05-2012 11:46 AM #12
GP gave me more meds. How I felt was dismissed, although I did receive a nice telling off about putting myself in danger.
College have told me that I'm not allowed to sit my exam next week with everyone else.
I need to pay the £100 fine by the 25th or it's increased to £150.
I'm finding everything too much.