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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Posts
    2,215

    Money - I'm being spoilt...!

    Strangely about 12/18 months ago I'm sure I was writing about a partner who wasn't understanding that I had less money than him and still expected me to contribute lots!

    That relationship is over now.

    I am now seeing someone new; we've been seeing each other for 4/5 months and are very close and at home with each other. We've slid in to a life together nicely and both really happy with how it's progressing. I moved out of my ex's house and when I left him I had to start from scratch; I was pretty poor and had to make do but it was liberating having my own flat and things.

    Anyway, my girlfriend is wonderful but comes from an affluent background. She has a lot of money (I wouldn't know how much) but to kind of gauge it, she took me to Paris for my birthday this weekend (which was truly wonderful); she flew us to New York for Valentine's...

    She's the opposite of my ex; she doesn't want me to buy a thing. But I find that difficult; I come from a scrimp and save background and want to buy my own stuff; I have a lot of pride and am willing to earn, work, even take on additional work to earn money for things I would like. She does try to understand this but will buy extravagant gifts/holidays/things on a whim. Despite barely paying for a thing (because I physically can't just buy on a whim, and when she buys things - it's THE most expensive of everything) I am still tucking away very little at the end of the month. She doesn't quite understand how I can walk around with a £5 watch from New Look when she has a vast collection from £150 - £12,000 on her wrist. When she sees a nice piece of jewellery ora watch, if it's 'only' £200, it's a bargain.

    I don't want to be spoilt as I really believe in earning and buying like I do; I don't want to take her for granted so I do try and stop her going OTT. She doesn't see why I don't want to have things 'then and there'. I have a £200 necklace around my neck from one of our first tiffs because she wanted to express how much she cares but I can't return the favour. She whisks me off to Paris; how can I even begin to top that with her birthday in 2 months when I can barely stretch to bills and rent? She wants a party as a starting point but she also has affluent friends; I can't afford to arrange a party at a venue and put money behind the bar, pay for champagne...etc...

    We also have the issue of me not 'coming out'. I'm early in to our relationship and have always had boyfriends. But it is challenging to justify why I'm absent for a whole weekend when I get phone calls because I've been whisked abroad. My parents know I don't have lots of money so this will begin to raise eyebrows.

    I suppose...I feel embarrassed by my rather more 'humble' background. I'm intending on doing some private tutoring in order to give myself additional income but I know she'll feel like it'll eat in to 'us' time when she could just pay for everything...! How can I express how I feel about the money stuff...or am I being silly? Should I be 'ok' with being spoilt? My friends all think I should exploit it to the max but it's not in my nature; I just end up with a lot of guilt and a sickly feeling when I see my bank balance still being so feeble until payday! I think a lot of people would feel like I'm in a great situation but I am a hardworker. I have a difficult job and am very successful for someone my age in my profession; but I still don't have a vast fortune;especially from the fallout of my last relationship.

    How do others deal with this?! Do they?!!?

    Thanks for replies in advance.
    Known someone that could level you with her eyes, feeling like God put an angel on earth just for you. Who could rescue you from the depths of hell... and you wouldn't know about sleeping sitting up in the hospital room for two months, holding her hand, because the doctors could see in your eyes, that the terms "visiting hours" don't apply to you.

    - Good Will Hunting

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Location
    Aylesbury, Bucks
    Posts
    17,162
    You need to sit down with her and explain how this uneven situation is making you feel. You're unlikely to ever have the same amount of money, so you need to work out ways to contribute evenly but differently. I'm the breadwinner in my relationship, it's the way it is, but the relationship doesn't feel uneven because my missus helps maintain the house. She's not my housekeeper, she's my partner, but she contributes by cooking for me when I'm too fucking knackered. Make sense?

    As for coming out, what's holding you back?
    "We're Starfleet officers, weird is part of the job." (Capt. Janeway)

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    7,271
    Yea, I can see how this is a problem, especially if you do something for her that took time and work (as opposed to money), and she can't appreciate it, because it's "cheap". It is best that you sit her down and tell her exactly what you told us, because her understanding could be so clouded for always having everything that she can't fathom your position if you don't explain it to her fair and square.

    On a related note. I didn't know you were bi? Were you bi "before"? have you thought about it, or is it maybe some kind of escapism because you had so many bad times with men?

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    Waitrose
    Posts
    2,334
    First things first, I seriously doubt she is so stupid as to not understand the difference in your relative wealth. I don't for one second think she expects you to compete with her on money or on bling, the pressure to do that is all in your own mind. It sounds more like she is happy to share her good fortune with someone she cares about. Try and remember that she saw you as a fine piece of ass, even in your New Look watch, so try not to feel that you're not good enough for her.

    On a wider thing, you do need to have a conversation about money, but if she cares about you she will be happy to spend and will be happy to get your time and company in exchange for that. There's more to the value of something than the cost alone. I doubt she will see you as taking advantage if you are careful and keen to show your gratitude in other, non financial, ways.

    I don't have an experience of dealing with it within a relationship- neither my wife nor I have a pot to piss in- but we have friends who have a lot more money. They understand that we don't have their money and they help if they want to take us somewhere lovely. They're especially generous with our daughter, who they are Godparents to.

    As for coming out, do you see yourself being with a woman for the long term? If you do, then really you should, and I'd expect your family to be supportive. But you know them better than we do. Just casually mention you're off to Paris!
    Can you hold me like you held someone you shouldn't have let go?
    Can you keep me deep inside like the regrets that burned a hole?
    Can you love me like you loved someone you loved so long ago?

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Posts
    2,215
    I do believe she 'gets' that I can't afford things and that is why she does spoil me and has no expectations. I suppose for me it's difficult as I am in a different financial league and have always lived my life differently that it's hard to take from someone, even when they're being so kind. I've spoken to so many of her friends (thankfully I'm well liked) who have said how past girls were very 'me me me', were demanding, selfish etc...and I want her to recognise I'm with her for the person that she is and i dont want her to feel she has to buy me. She says she knows this. I just still get a feeling in my stomach? I type this on my new iPad given today; I was saving (extremely slowly for one due to financial set backs) and she sprang it on me. Friends say they envy me but I have to tell her to behave and stop showering me with gifts. I suppose I'm not hugely materialistic in the same way that she is.

    In terms of coming out, I do see me with her for the long run but I'm not long out of another relationship, my father would be an issue and for now i would like to see how we develop. I'm not trying to deny her (she's met the friends that matter!) but it's a significant shift in my life and I don't wish to jump at the deep end with my family just yet.

    @strubbles I'm acting on past impulses; it's new and exciting but I think it's more about falling for a person than a gender. I wasn't what I considered 'bi' before but I feel more valued, loved and cared for than I can ever recall in the past. Shes the kind of girl where people look hard before deciding she's a girl and who is often called sir! But is probably more feminine that me in a lot of ways internally
    Known someone that could level you with her eyes, feeling like God put an angel on earth just for you. Who could rescue you from the depths of hell... and you wouldn't know about sleeping sitting up in the hospital room for two months, holding her hand, because the doctors could see in your eyes, that the terms "visiting hours" don't apply to you.

    - Good Will Hunting

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