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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Nov 2010
    Location
    Colorado, United States
    Posts
    24

    Punishment in relationships

    I wanted to get everyone’s thoughts on punishment in relationships. My partner is pretty adamant about me “dealing with consequences for my actions”. Usually when I do something that upsets her or that she doesn’t agree with she’ll withhold sex, emotional intimacy or just plain old give me the cold shoulder until I make it right (do what’s acceptable to her and her standards < she’ll even say that). It’s frustrating having to constantly worry that I may do something that upsets her with the fear that our intimacy/relationship will suffer. She flat out tells me that I need “to learn from my mistakes and deal with the consequences” and in addition to that tells me that “I’ll never learn if she doesn’t teach me a lesson”. After reading through many posts regarding this subject matter I’ve found that most believe it’s a sign of passive-aggressiveness and/or even emotional abuse. Does anyone else deal with this? How have you dealt with it? Is it wrong or right? When this happens it usually leaves me feeling like a child being “taught a lesson” by their mother and not an adult in an adult relationship. I feel as though relationships should be based upon patience, understanding, communication and tolerance not punishment and revenge. I’d love to hear everyone’s point of view regarding this issue. I’d love to hear from both sides, men and women.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Posts
    12,658
    punishment? Get out now.
    I know why the caged bird sings, Only joy comes from song
    She's so rare and beautiful to others, Why not just set her free
    So she can fly, fly, fly
    Spreadin' her wings and her song
    Let her fly, fly fly
    For the whole world to see

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Apr 2002
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    europe
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    24,861
    i wouldnt like that at all. She sounds messed up and domineering

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    Waitrose
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    2,335
    I don't know about it being a sign of passive aggression, it sounds more like a sign of psychopathy.

    At best she's treating you like she'd treat an unruly puppy. At worst, it is emotional abuse. Either way, it's only going to end in tears for you.
    Can you hold me like you held someone you shouldn't have let go?
    Can you keep me deep inside like the regrets that burned a hole?
    Can you love me like you loved someone you loved so long ago?

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Location
    Real Life.
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    5,175
    She sounds delightful.







    When I say "delightful", I obviously mean "like a complete bitch"

    Time to leave.
    Did you ever go to a place - I think it was called Norway?
    That was one of mine. Won an award, you know. Lovely crinkly edges...

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Posts
    4,184
    Get out now before it gets worse!
    Love Is Not Love That Alters When It Alteration Finds

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Posts
    280
    While you should always deal with the consequences of your actions its not fair for you to be constantly walking on egg shells. If you do something that upsets her then you need to talk about it and try to compromise rather than be "punished".

    Ask your girlfriend if she feels unable to talk to you about these problems.

  8. #8
    Thunderstruck Guest
    Wow. Is she your girlfriend or your mother? And what about when she does things to upset you? Textbook passive aggressive. Time for her to go.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
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    At the bottom of the gard
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    258
    When i just read this post i thought ohmygod i hope your not so and so.
    I have a friend who uses sex as a tool and if she feels like her other half is not doing or treating her how he should be she witholds sex!!! I actually do not agree with it at all.
    And reading your post just makes me think what a bitch she is and i honestley don't know how her husband puts up with it to be honest.
    I say get out of the relationship now when your with someone who u love and they love u u will realise that what your in now is not a normal relationship x
    Live life each day, life is short!

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Nov 2010
    Location
    Colorado, United States
    Posts
    24
    I appreciate the advice from everyone! You guys have helped shed light on the subject. Thanks for taking the time to read my post and reply.

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Apr 2002
    Location
    europe
    Posts
    24,861

    What conclusions are you coming to Jackson?
    I hope youre ok

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    South London
    Posts
    345
    Would you let your employer withold breaktime, or PPE, equipment, pay, leave entitlement etc because of a mistake, NO you wouldn't and they know if they did those things you could sue the behinds off them. Plus they proberly dont want to treat anybody like there in infant school anyway with silly, "if you dont do that then you dont get this" attitude, its about communicating, compromising, understanding, you cant let her use her affection and sex as a "tool" to control you and your behaviour.

    Dont accept that form her and let her feel the consequences of her cold, sinister, manipulative ways.

    That is really awful though, if ever there was somebody i wanted to hit in the face with a shoval it was Jordan, and she had all those traits.

    Out of interest give an example of one of your typical crimes as i think that is a relevant piece of information as she is taking these drastic steps, what have you done wrong?

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Nov 2010
    Location
    Colorado, United States
    Posts
    24
    Here's a couple of examples....

    1. We have an agreement that I do the dishes and she does the laundry. Some nights I am exhausted from work and won't have the chance to get to them until the next day or so. She see's that as lazy and in her words "half-assed". In no way am I making up excuses or trying to sound sorry for myself but I work 10-12 hours days, sometimes 50-65 hours per week to include a 1 hour drive to work and during rush hour a 2 hour drive home so there are a lot of times when I'm too exhausted to get to them right away. I never let them get to the point where they get moldy or smelly or anything like that but sometimes it does take a day or two to get to them.

    2. Same concept...I get home from working a late night, throw my clothes off onto the floor next to the bed and fall asleep not putting them away immedately or within an amount of time that's acceptable to her.

    3. If I use the wrong colored dish towel to dry the dishes she gets upset and gives me the punishment treatment

    4. If I say that I'm gonna do something and then genuinely forget to do it then she gives me the punishment treatment


    Bascially it seems that any time that I do anything that she doesn't like or agree with then I get the punishment treatment from her from both things big and small. To be honest it doesn't feel like it takes much to get her upset either. There isn't usually a day that goes by that she doesn't seem to get upset with me about something. She'll usually resort to saying things such as: "Didn't your mom teach you any better when you were younger", "Obviously your mom let you get away without ever having to suffer the consequences", "You never have or are going to be responsible for your actions" etc....

    Just yesterday (Valentine's day) when we woke up I thought I'd get an "I love you" or "Happy Valentine's Day" instead I wake up to her telling me all about that things that I do in my sleep that annoy her. That alone upset her enough to give me the punishment treatment.

  14. #14
    Join Date
    May 2002
    Location
    NE63
    Posts
    9,174
    She sounds very controlling. Have you talked to her about how you feel?
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  15. #15
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    NorthWest
    Posts
    117
    Hint: if you go along with it she will keep doing it and assume everything is fine.
    Though she sounds like she has some sort of personality disorder imo either that or she's heavily into being the dom

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