Hide this page

Local Advice Finder

Find local services

Closed Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2 LastLast
Results 1 to 15 of 18
  1. #1
    Join Date
    Sep 2001
    Location
    Surrey
    Posts
    396

    Unhappy he loves me but he won't leave his girlfriend

    I don't really know what to do, I feel like I'm at the end of my tether. I met this guy last term at uni, and he has a girlfriend of 2 and a half years. He's friends with my housemates, and we hit it off really well, like amazingly well. I've never felt this kind of connection with anyone, and it seemed like we were getting a little closer than just friends, so I confronted him about it and he told me he was really torn, and that he was completely and utterly in love with me. And we ended up kissing the day afterwards.

    I've spent the past week talking to him every day, going over stuff with him and he said he was going to see his girlfriend Saturday and talk things over with her and see how it goes. He then texted me yesterday saying they had a talk and were going to try and work on their relationship, and that he hasn't told her about me.

    I don't want to sound selfish or biased, but from everything he says it sounds like he's fundamentally unhappy with his girlfriend, and that they don't have any chemistry. And he's been so honest with me about everything I'm finding it hard to accept that he's making the right decision, and that he's not just doing it because he's scared of hurting her/leaving a long term relationship. And it's also really difficult for me because he's gone on about how amazing I am and how I'm more than he could have wished for in his wildest dreams, and I just don't understand how he could give that up.

    Nobody's in my house today, and I've woken up feeling incredibly alone and depressed and I basically just have no idea what to do. I doubt anyone can even help really, I just needed to get that out.

    I'm wondering if going to the doctor's might be a good idea. I've felt depressed since Christmas, and I'm worried it won't go away and I have uni work to do and can't motivate myself to do it. I don't want to mess everything up..
    "Don't make a religion of reason and logic. Because in the passage of time reason may fail you and when it does, you may find yourself taking refuge in madness."
    (Anne Rice, Blood & Gold)

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Apr 2002
    Location
    europe
    Posts
    24,865
    my advice is dont be anyones other woman. Youre worth ore than that.

    If he wants you he needs to make his mind up. I think he thinks that because youve been seeing him so far without him breaking up his other relationship, then he can carry on like that. Hes a cheater and hes spinning you a line unfortunately.
    You need to be very strong and tell him that if he wants to stay with his other girlfriend then he cant have you as well.
    If its really as bad as he makes out with the other girl, and so good with you, then he'll break up with her.

    Hugs.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Location
    Birmingham.
    Posts
    635
    Well, theres nothing you can do really. Except make sure he doesnt get the best of both worlds coz if he does they why is he going to leave her? stop speaking to him if you have to.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    7,266
    if you want him to leave his g/f for you, how can you ever be sure he won't be leaving you prematurely for another woman?

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Sep 2001
    Location
    Surrey
    Posts
    396
    Quote Originally Posted by StrubbleS View Post
    if you want him to leave his g/f for you, how can you ever be sure he won't be leaving you prematurely for another woman?
    It's a very fair point. But, I'm not turning round and telling him that he HAS to leave his girlfriend for me. Basically I have faith in the fact that he's been really honest with me from the start, and I have with him, and I just want him to be happy. And from everything he's told me, he seems like he would be unhappy with her in the long run, and is happy when he's with me. I think if he ended up with me we would be able to have a very honest relationship, because we've been nothing but honest with each other since the day we met.

    I think another problem is that he is really really scared of breaking up with her, I think he's afraid of what she might do if he dumped her (i.e. self harm). I think she's quite delicate and easily upset.

    He told me he was on the verge of dumping her this weekend, but didn't, and that he wants to see how the next couple of weeks go. But I'm thinking, if he didn't have the courage to finish it this weekend, then will he ever?

    Gah. This is such a horrible situation.
    "Don't make a religion of reason and logic. Because in the passage of time reason may fail you and when it does, you may find yourself taking refuge in madness."
    (Anne Rice, Blood & Gold)

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Apr 2002
    Location
    God's Own Country
    Posts
    17,319
    In my experience, if they don't leave the girlfriend straight away, they're never going to.

    I know this isn't what you want to hear, but he sounds to me like he's having his classic brand of cake and eating it. I would suggest leaving well alone, cause somewhere along the line, a heart is going to get broken, and unfortunately I strongly suspect it's going to be yours.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Sep 2001
    Location
    Surrey
    Posts
    396
    Yeah I know, obviously that looks like a strong possibility. The thing is though, that I would still like to be friends with him even if that happened. So I'm keeping my distance these 2 weeks, but have told him I'll be there for him if he needs to chat. I now that might sounds insanely stupid... but we get on well as friends, and he'll still be coming to visit me and my housemates (cos he's friends with them), and so I don't want to just cut everything off completely, if that makes sense?

    Guess I just have to be really careful this week...
    xxx
    "Don't make a religion of reason and logic. Because in the passage of time reason may fail you and when it does, you may find yourself taking refuge in madness."
    (Anne Rice, Blood & Gold)

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Apr 2002
    Location
    europe
    Posts
    24,865
    Quote Originally Posted by ryoko_rock View Post
    , I'm not turning round and telling him that he HAS to leave his girlfriend for me.
    Why not? Are you not worth being someones one and only, or are you ok with being his bit on the side.

    You think hes being honest with you, but you dont know that. He could be saying the same shit to his other girlfriend very very easily.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Posts
    2,215
    Quote Originally Posted by ryoko_rock View Post
    I don't really know what to do, I feel like I'm at the end of my tether. I met this guy last term at uni, and he has a girlfriend of 2 and a half years. He's friends with my housemates, and we hit it off really well, like amazingly well. I've never felt this kind of connection with anyone, and it seemed like we were getting a little closer than just friends, so I confronted him about it and he told me he was really torn, and that he was completely and utterly in love with me. And we ended up kissing the day afterwards.

    I've spent the past week talking to him every day, going over stuff with him and he said he was going to see his girlfriend Saturday and talk things over with her and see how it goes. He then texted me yesterday saying they had a talk and were going to try and work on their relationship, and that he hasn't told her about me.

    I don't want to sound selfish or biased, but from everything he says it sounds like he's fundamentally unhappy with his girlfriend, and that they don't have any chemistry. And he's been so honest with me about everything I'm finding it hard to accept that he's making the right decision, and that he's not just doing it because he's scared of hurting her/leaving a long term relationship. And it's also really difficult for me because he's gone on about how amazing I am and how I'm more than he could have wished for in his wildest dreams, and I just don't understand how he could give that up.

    Nobody's in my house today, and I've woken up feeling incredibly alone and depressed and I basically just have no idea what to do. I doubt anyone can even help really, I just needed to get that out.

    I'm wondering if going to the doctor's might be a good idea. I've felt depressed since Christmas, and I'm worried it won't go away and I have uni work to do and can't motivate myself to do it. I don't want to mess everything up..
    He won't leave her. Reading your post was a scary deja-vu of me for the past couple months. He says he will, he won't. Trust me it's the exact same scenario - I've also been feeling low over it over xmas and considered seeing a doc. He also said "Give me a few weeks". He even said he was worth the wait. I then finally asked for the truth and he said "Let's just be friends".I said fine and I've not heard from him since. To be honest, however much I would like to think we're friends, I know that we were closer than that and I know that we've come so close after expressing that we've been feeling so much for each other, it's just too hard to see him just a friend and not envying his girlfriend.
    Known someone that could level you with her eyes, feeling like God put an angel on earth just for you. Who could rescue you from the depths of hell... and you wouldn't know about sleeping sitting up in the hospital room for two months, holding her hand, because the doctors could see in your eyes, that the terms "visiting hours" don't apply to you.

    - Good Will Hunting

  10. #10
    stargalaxy Guest
    So he says he's going to split up from his girlfriend. Oh, look at that, I can see a pig flying through the sky...

    It's not going to happen. Don't wait around for this loser.

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Posts
    206
    As othas have said dont be any1s bit on the side you deserve better than that,you've gotta watch your back cause no matter how honest you think he has been and how much of a connection you've got with this guy you dont know exactley what he's saying to his gf,fair enough he could be scared to break up with her for whateva reason but remember it's easy to say he wants to break up with his gf to you but when it cums down to it nothing happins.
    I think your best bet would be to take a back seat let him get on with whateva he wants as in you or gf,if you 2 do have a connection and he wants you it will happin he will break up with gf,but if you let him have his cake and eat it he wont eva break up with his gf,why would he?

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Sep 2001
    Location
    Surrey
    Posts
    396
    Thanks everyone, and thank you for all your advice. I've decided to send him an email today and explain that I'm going to give him space for the next few weeks, and let him get on with working out stuff with his girlfriend. That way, I don't have to continue speaking to him and seeing him and getting myself entangled further, and it gives him the space to decide what he wants to do. He's an adult, he can make his own decisions. Then at the end of it, if he stays with her, I'm more prepared for it, and if he doesn't then I will see him as a friend, and see where things go from there. But I will definitely be wary!
    "Don't make a religion of reason and logic. Because in the passage of time reason may fail you and when it does, you may find yourself taking refuge in madness."
    (Anne Rice, Blood & Gold)

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Posts
    2,368
    Quote Originally Posted by ryoko_rock View Post
    Thanks everyone, and thank you for all your advice. I've decided to send him an email today and explain that I'm going to give him space for the next few weeks, and let him get on with working out stuff with his girlfriend. That way, I don't have to continue speaking to him and seeing him and getting myself entangled further, and it gives him the space to decide what he wants to do. He's an adult, he can make his own decisions. Then at the end of it, if he stays with her, I'm more prepared for it, and if he doesn't then I will see him as a friend, and see where things go from there. But I will definitely be wary!
    Sounds like a good thing to do; it can be difficult to cut off contact altogether with someone you care about even if you know it would really be for the best.
    I'd agree with the other posts written that you deserve better than someone who won't commit to you. And also, I don't think in the long run that it wouldn't be good to get involved with someone who can kiss another girl whilst still going out with someone else; however honest he is about it.

    You mentioned maybe going to the doctors about feeling depressed... Sounds like a good idea; just go and have a chat about how you're feeling and they might be able to help out somehow.

    Good luck with everything.

  14. #14
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    "La la la London still...
    Posts
    79
    What a frustrating situation! Sounds like this guy is really confused right now, and it's making life a lot more difficult for you.

    As the others have said, he's made this decision to stay in the relationship with his girlfriend and only time will tell whether it's the right decision or not. I guess at this point you need to ask whether you?re willing to wait around for him to break up with her, or whether it'll be better in the long run to try and move on. Sounds like you've made a positive step by emailing him and asking for space, and I hope it gives you both a chance to evaluate where you go from here.

    It's totally understandable that a situation like this would leave you feeling down and lonely, so try and take extra care of yourself over the next few weeks. This article gives more information about depression - as Lu_C says if you think you're experiencing some of the symptoms, it might not be a bad idea to talk to a doctor or another health professional.

    Take care.
    Tash
    Last edited by TashJ; 30-01-2008 at 09:01 AM.

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Posts
    1

    i know exactly how u feel

    sometimes, U dont understand urself when u let urself to continue this relationship when it's not even a official relationship. u r used to him, u feel empty without him, the thought of not having him kills u.
    Right at this moment, i'm hurting. I told him that he cant have 2 girls at the same time. But in this school, out of all my friends, he is like my best friend than a lover. It is just impossible not seeing him because we r in the same social group.
    I let myself go too deep although i know that there wont be anything between us in the end. I love him so much that i accept to be with him although he has a gf. HIs love, his care is just too good to not being w him.
    I will try to let him go, let myself to forget...but i just dont know how things will end up. We have been in the same circle millions times: we decided to be friend but the chemistry makes us go closer and decide to be friend again. I know that i'm hurting myself, but my heart ache more when i see him upset....becoz we decide to be friends. I really dont know wat else could I do. I just know that somehow he wont ever break up w his gf, as long as i'm w him, i'll get hurt more....but it's so difficult to forget
    Last edited by mjnhtrag; 18-10-2009 at 07:04 PM. Reason: wrong choosing words

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts

Show site map

TheSite.org is delivered by YouthNet UK. Registered charity number: 1048995