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Post of The Month (June)

Jellyelephant is our Post of The Month winner voted by the community:

"Hey notagain

Just wanted to drop by and say I hope you are okay. Remember a relapse doesn't mean the end of recovery. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep fighting lovely girl <3"
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Good for nothing but sex.

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  • Good for nothing but sex.

    So, this is my first post. My life at the moment is just a mess. This last month, everything I had to look forward to has shattered to piece right in front of my face.

    So, I've been with my boyfriend let's call him (Lee) for 2 and a half years. We've been through a lot. I had some female medical issues at the beginning which he stayed with me through. I later miscarried our baby and he didn't care. He told me to man up when I woke up crying in pain. We haven't spoken about it since.

    In November 2016, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and I'm still learning how to cope. I've been on too many different medications to count. My boyfriend doesn't understand it. There's someone at work (let's call him Charlie) who has it also and we started talking and he helped.

    In March, I broke down. Charlie drove half an hour at 1am just to hug me. We went and sat at the beach in his car and just talked for hours. He dropped me home but we couldn't let go when we hugged goodbye. We kissed.

    Sounds perfect? He's got a girlfriend and 2 children with her.

    We both enjoyed it. We started then seeing each other. Messaging at work, spending lunches toagther. He made me feel special. You see, things with me and Lee are falling apart, have been since November when he told me HE couldn't cope with the bipolar.

    Charlie made me feel beautiful, sexy, wanted and worth something. He eventually became my drug. When I was with him, I wanted more. When I was around him, I was high. I was invincible. When he's not here I am empty and I just spend all my time waiting for my next dose.

    We spent a night at a hotel together. I have never felt so alive. I could feel my skin glowing where he touched me and it was the sweetest thing I've ever experienced.

    One afternoon, he told me he was falling for me. I freaked out. I didn't want to ruin it. So I laughed it off and played it cool. A few weeks later, he wanted to tell me something face to face. But couldn't make it out in the end.

    It's now August.

    Me and Lee are still rocky, I don't love him the way I used to. I like his company. I love falling asleep in his arms at night. But I feel sick when he advances now and I make excuses not to, or, I let him and I just lie there staring at the ceiling. He works all of the time or goes out and drinks. We don't talk, laugh or anything. I'm moving out in 2 weeks. When I move, I'll be 2 minutes from Charlie.

    Today, I plucked the courage to ask Charlie what he'd do if his girlfriend found out. He loves her and he doesn't even want to think about it. You see, we give each other what we don't get at home. Anyway, I then asked him what he wanted to tell me that night and what he meant when he said we was falling for me... after months of midnight talking, cuddling, escaping together, missing each other... the reply I got was 'probably something to get into your knickers' and that was it.

    I've never felt so numb. Neither Lee or Charlie genuinely care about me and I will never mean to them what they ever meant to me. I feel so stupid for believing someone like Charlie would choose someone like me. I feel stupid for staying with Lee.

    This month I've also failed my driving test for the second time and was unsuccessful for my promotion because there was a better candidate.

    Now I'm at the point where I have cried enough to drown myself and tears no longer fall. Where I can now let myself go, I have nothing and nobody to get up in the morning for. I am numb.

  • #2
    Hey Jersey, and welcome to the community.

    Firstly I just want to say well done for posting here. It's not always easy and offloading your thoughts and feelings like that can take a lot of energy and courage. I hope you found some relief in writing things out - it looks like you've had a rough time of it recently, by all accounts!

    It really sounds like you've been on quite a journey, both yourself personally and with these two people, and it's totally understandable to be feeling numb after all of that. It can be pretty devastating being with someone when they're heading down one path and we're heading down another. Worse still, when you don't realise it until later down the line. I guess it's quite jarring - like it can leave you feeling a bit 'in shock' when suddenly that disconnect comes to the surface. Like a jolt back to reality.

    Reading your post, I get the sense that you were quite drawn to Charlie as a bit of an escape from your relationship with Lee - is that fair to say?

    When we're going through a crappy time or we're unhappy in a relationship, it's only natural to start wanting out and to be drawn to people we wouldn't otherwise be drawn to. Unfortunately, these types of situations can also be a nightmare for communication and setting realistic expectations; with lots of emotions at play, things can get messy quite easily!

    It really sounds like things reached breaking point yesterday so I imagine you might still be processing things, but how do you feel today? Have you spoken to either of them?

    I also just want to add that it's okay to cry and it's okay to be numb. Letting ourselves be with our emotions can be really important for healing and working these things out for ourselves. You're not stupid either - relationships and our personal journeys with them can be so complex and hindsight is always 20/20.

    Well done again for reaching out to us and use this space as much as you need to.
    'Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat: 'we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.'

    'How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice.

    'You must be,' said the Cat, 'or you wouldn't have come here.'

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    • #3
      Hey Jersey,

      It sounds like you're going through a difficult time right now, sorry to hear about that
      And like Mike said, welcome to the community! We appreciate how difficult it can be to reach out, so well done

      ​From what you've said, it sounds like you feel you've been used, is this right? It isn't uncommon to feel like this, often in many relationships one or both partners can feel like the other is using them, maybe because they actually are, or maybe because the relationship is going through a rough patch and trust has been lost. To me, it also seems like your sex drive isn't so strong at the minute, and 'Lee' makes unwanted advances that sometimes you just 'take' when you really don't want to. You should never be pressured into unwanted sex, this is often a type of unhealthy relationship in the bedroom. The mix has an article on this which you can read if you want.

      It seems you've grown distant from 'Lee', with preparing to move out and also your loss of libido. Would you agree? Do you think you'd like to try to repair the relationship, or are you separating yourself from him to get some space, or because you're getting ready to move on from him?

      ​Sounds like things are really tough for you right now, especially with the added strain of learning to cope with bipolar, as well as the disappointments at work and with learning to drive
      ​You've done really well to reach out for help, how do you feel about everything now?

      Take care
      Aidan
      Unhealthy behaviour in the bedroom doesn't have to be violent, but it can be just as damaging. The Mix talks through some signs to look out for.
      Last edited by Aidan; 13-08-2017, 02:08 PM.
      SUCCESS is not final, FAILURE is not fatal; it is the courage to continue that counts

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