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Post of The Month (July)

Aidan is our Post of The Month winner voted by the community for the following post:

"Hey Lucie,

You say you're still on medication and have had lots of therapy? Maybe it's a matter of revisiting old coping techniques and anything else like that, that therapy taught you?

And Drea is absolutely right! Even someone with everything material that they could ever want isn't insusceptible to mental illness. Any sex, race, age, class; it doesn't discriminate...
"
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Relationship Commitment - how do you know if a relationship is right for you?

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  • Relationship Commitment - how do you know if a relationship is right for you?



    Hey everyone,

    Committing to a relationship can be a big decision to make, so it’s really important to take your time to think about whether you want to be in a relationship. For some people they can be on the fence about whether or not to commit to their partner, and for others, they just know when it's right.

    There are range of different factors that some people take into consideration when making a decision to commit to a relationship, such as sexual satisfaction, empathy and support from their partner, or even their own personal life.

    So how do you know if a relationship is right for you?

    Look forward to hearing your thoughts

    - Aife

  • #2
    Hi everyone

    ​It is true - there are many things that you need to take into consideration when starting a new relationship. I think one of the big things for me personally is:
    How do they make you feel?

    ​Emotions are a big thing and how people treat you can effect this. We all have our ups and downs, our anxious days, our angry days, our happy days and our crazy days! But how much is your partner contributing to this?

    ​I know things aren't always perfect and happy, but I believe that your partner should at least try and make this as close as we can all get, right?

    ​As many negative feelings there are, there are so many positive ones too and if someone brings out your happiness, joy, smiles, laughter and strength then the they are worth the commitment. It suddenly doesn't seem as big and scary when you can feel their mutual respect, support and love.

    Of course you have to want to do this - attraction, enjoyment, interest etc. all still counts but this is what takes it that step further. When you want to give them the best, but you know that they want to give YOU the best too.

    ​Personally, my partner is someone who is my best friend and as clichť as it is, I want to spend the rest of my days with. Someone who I love spending my time with and makes me so happy. Who doesn't go out of their way to put me down, ignore me, control me or purposely cause any negative feelings. Of course we feel negative sometimes. But when I am anxious, sad, stressed, confused etc. my partner supports me, empowers me, and helps to bring back the positivity.

    ​A relationship is defined as "the way in which two or more people or things are connected, or the state of being connected" and a relationship is right for me when this connection fulfils me and my life as well as the other person's too.

    ​But that's just me! I'm intrigued to hear what everyone else thinks?!

    ​-PositiveAura
    Last edited by PositiveAura; 09-08-2017, 07:02 PM.

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    • #3
      Hi all!

      Relationships can be tricky and sometimes they are difficult to navigate. Sometimes youíve been in one too long to realise itís not right. Sometimes you get so comfortable with unhappiness that you forget what happiness looks like, or donít feel like you can do better. But when youíre in the right relationship, everything is different. The sun shines brighter, your soul starts singing and you have a cheesy love-struck grin permanently plastered on your face! Even if you feel you're in the right relationship, it's always important to work together to keep it strong!

      ​Here are my top 5 signs to know when you're in the right relationship :
      ​1. You make a good team - The moment I realised my partner and I made an awesome team was during one winter when we broke down in our campervan in the Arctic Circle in Sweden...I know it sounds like some sort of cheesy plot for a rom-com but we both managed to deal with the problem together and quell any stress and worry we had and it was fixed a few days later! You will achieve far more by working with them, rather than working alone or against them. Healthy relationships are about two people who are willing to make adjustments for each other as needed.
      ​2. You better your partner, they better you - My partner's passion for fitness inspired me to start running and doing yoga, I inspired them to pick up a paintbrush and divulge in their creative side . We both inspire one another and encourage one another to strive for the best and do things even if we think we can't. It's a back and forth of improving oneís self through the inspiration of the other. We make each other better, and thatís a sure sign that weíre in the right relationship.
      ​3. You maintain self-identity - You can just be 'you' and your partner can do the same and you both celebrate that. In the right relationship both partners continuously improve and develop their ďself.Ē
      ​4. The line of communication is open, honest, and clear - You canít be afraid to have certain conversations. Itís better to talk and find out the truth, than to keep going and get nowhere. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Relationships often fail because of trust issues, commitment issues, and above all, communication issues. So be honest, commit, and communicate always.
      ​5. No games are being played - Sometimes relationships are a lot harder than they need to be. Sometimes out of fear we don't always say what we really mean. So have honest discussions, don't play with each other's feelings, leave the trick's for Halloween and don't play paybacks - it saves a lot of misunderstanding, hurt feelings and time!

      ​Just remember there's a lid to every box, a key to every lock and someone out there for everyone, so even if you're not currently in the right relationship you will be eventually, and if you are then you're lucky so hold that person tight and don't let go!

      - SunshineSoul
      Last edited by SunshineSoul; 09-08-2017, 06:58 PM.

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      • #4
        Hey!!

        Arguably, different people have different priorities when it comes to romantic relationships (and perhaps even platonic ones too!). It's usually important to have a mutual outlook when it comes to this - one person may want to spend their free time watching movies whereas the other may want to do it going for walks. While no two people are the same (and they say "opposites attract"), it might get overwhelmingly infuriating if you have too many conflicts of interest.

        I've heard some people say that the best way to tell if you love someone is to travel with them. This is likely because you get to work together and see if you make a good team, like SunshineSoul said. You also get to experience how you both deal with tough situations, and see if you like that or not.

        Trust and mutual respect is also a factor. If your partner doesn't trust you to be with other people, is it really a healthy relationship? There are unfortunately many cases where trust in a relationship is a one-way-street and your partner refuses to let you live your own life in certain aspects..

        There's so much to think about! My general rule is if you're not 100% comfortable around them after two or three dates, maybe it isn't to be. There's someone for everyone, and there's no need to rush - you'll have a whole lifetime to enjoy together when you do eventually find the right one

        ~Kaze

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        • #5
          Me personnally, i thiink...

          -Relationships take time to settle, and I think that if i would still be satisfied after 9 months - 1 year ish, then it's a relationship to keep <3 Usually problems would have surfaced by that time if there was major ones i think.

          -I think if someone doesn't make you happy to do things that at the very core of your being, something you have endless passion for and can talk for hours and hours on end for weeks, years about, a hobby, a like, a lifestyle you have because you love doing something so much, then it won't work. Either that be if a partner dismisses your passions or never even tries to get into them (don't get me wrong a partner doesn't have to, in my case, love nature, but i'd hate it if they never even came out on a walk, or a camping trip with me even -once-). Opposites attract, supposedly, but imo there's some core passions i just can't give up to make someone else complain less lol.

          -Nice to be good in a team - that is - fill each others weaknesses to some extent. There are some things people get -extremely- anxious about or just simply can't do and one partner who's a little less scared or a little more able should try to deal with it instead - i can't talk on the phone so my ideal partner should take random house calls instead, but if my ideal partner is for example phobic over spiders then ill try and take care of the spiders to ease their anxieties, just as they should be willing to ease my phone call anxiety. For that matter partners should always be willing to try and calm one anothers anxieties no matter what! Even if its something supposedly dumb.

          Why didn't you just shout i'm lonely and i'm looking for a place to go ~ Where everything's an embrace and everybody wants to know

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          • #6
            Hmmmmm this is a tough one.....

            It's different for everyone! Everybody wants something different out of their partner and their relationship, so it's a matter of personal opinion. Which is why finding the right kind of relationship can sometimes be like banging your head against a brick wall Trial and error, folks!

            Personally, I think....
            • ​​You have to be comfortable in your own skin around them.​ Most people have their own insecurities and issues and weaknesses, but if you live in fear of being judged by your partner, then I don't think that relationship would work. I guess it's okay in a jokey/banter kinda way if that's what you're comfortable with, but having a partner that can't tolerate you and genuinely resents aspects of you can be so soul destroying
            • ​When you don't have to keep secrets. Sometimes people arm themselves with your secrets to use against you later, and that's not on! ​ I think there needs to be a massive level of trust and confidentiality for it to be a good relationship. That's what makes the difference; they have to be, at the core, your best friend.
            • ​They somehow always know what to do. ​They know you so well they can take one glance at your face and know whether you need a hug, some space, a shoulder to cry on, etc. etc. A partner who effortlessly always makes you feel better somehow.
            ​That's a very basic list in retrospect ​ but it's surprising how difficult and time consuming it is dating different people and weighing up whether they're 'the one' or not. If they respect your boundaries, have some common interests, and they don't toy with your emotions, then that's the sign the relationship COULD be the right one for you. You'll only know whether you still want to be with them when you can't imagine life without them.

            ​But remember! The relationship may seem right for you, but does it seem right for them?

            SUCCESS is not final, FAILURE is not fatal; it is the courage to continue that counts

            Comment


            • #7
              Hey everyone,

              You've all shared some really interesting thoughts about how you might know when a relationship is right for you. It sounds like a few of you agree that everyone is different and their priorities for a relationship will be unique to their situation.

              Many of you have mentioned trust as key factor to think about when considering if a relationship is right for you. Feeling able to be yourself and be comfortable around your partner can be key aspects to think about when deciding whether to commit to a relationship. I just wanted to touch on something interesting that SunshineSoul mentioned here:

              Originally posted by SunshineSoul
              Relationships can be tricky and sometimes they are difficult to navigate. Sometimes youíve been in one too long to realise itís not right. Sometimes you get so comfortable with unhappiness that you forget what happiness looks like, or donít feel like you can do better. But when youíre in the right relationship, everything is different.
              Itís hard to work out if you should be in a relationship because it can be difficult to differentiate between the feeling of genuinely wanting to be with someone and the fear of being alone. What are your thoughts on this?

              - Aife

              Comment


              • #8
                I think fear of being alone vs wanting to be with someone looks different, feels different -
                Fear of being alone feels like you don't quite enjoy the relationship anymore, or maybe you do still enjoy it but you know you can't keep committed, it feels like you want to break up because you don't love them anymore, but it feels like if you did break up you'd be alone again - physically or emotionally - so you want to stay in it even though nothing's there anymore, or you don't think anyone else will come along (even though someone else will come along) so you stay because you have to, not because you want to.

                Wanting to be with someone feels like wanting to be with them physically - while at you're at work, while they're out and you're alone at home, esp if it's a long distance relationship. It feels like if you're ever sad you know you can talk to them and you'll be happier, infact just being around them makes you happy even if you're not doing anything together, it feels like all you need in life is just to be with them, to talk to them, to have fun together, it feels like walking by something and going 'my partner would love this I should buy it to make them happy' (as opposed to 'my partner would love this i should buy it so they still stay with me').
                Why didn't you just shout i'm lonely and i'm looking for a place to go ~ Where everything's an embrace and everybody wants to know

                Comment


                • #9
                  I say keep things simple.

                  Firstly, all relationships end ! Bleak I know but arguably true, just sometimes it is with death or in the majority of cases it is because one or more people choose to end their relationship. If we begin with the knowledge that this relationship is finite, not forever, then we have a different aspect on if we want to be in it right now or not. Are we enjoying it right now? if not then something is there to be discussed.

                  Disney has a lot to answer for with unrealistic expectations of romance. It is as unhelpful as porn is with regard to what to expect from a sexual relationship. Reality is more varied, more imaginative and with a greater depth in experience. There is no 'the one' for us, in truth there are probably millions of people you could have relationships with. So see how it goes for now, let the forever take care of itself.

                  My final thought is that only you know how it feels to be in the relationship you are, many people may tell you your partner is perfect or no good at all but only you know what it's really like. If you notice how they make you feel, both when you're with them and apart from them. Is this a pleasant feeling? Is it something you want to feel more of? Trust your intuition over any one else's opinion. The emotion I followed is freedom, to put it visually. If a relationship is a house, the best one I've experienced is one where the windows and doors feel wide open but I still choose to sit inside. Any time I feel the doors shut I know there is something not right and this should be talked about. If my partner can't listen to my fears or worries then how is anything going to progress past this feeling?

                  I watched Britans Relationship Secrets with Anne Robinson yesterday, it was so interesting to see what variety of relationship there is out there. They had polyamorous, married but living apart among other types of relationships. We make our relationship rules from scratch, don't just follow what we see others doing.


                  glenn

                  Documentary in which Anne Robinson asks what the secret is to a happy relationship.

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                  • #10
                    I also watched Relationship Secrets the other day - it was very interesting!

                    I do agree with Glenn - there does seem to be an emphasis in society of finding "the one" but I don't believe in that. This could be seen as quite pessimistic, but I don't see it that way. It means that you shouldn't feel pressured when you first hit it off with someone to stay in that relationship, and you can enjoy life at your own pace before you decide to settle down!

                    I think this view helps distinguish between wanting to be with someone and the fear of being alone. In my eyes, if you're with someone for the latter reason, you're more willing to put up with crap, because you perhaps are less likely to question whether or not you really love them. You may miss their state of being when you're not with them, but do you miss their personality? Their little quirks?

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I haven't seen this Relationship Secrets, but of course if I did it wouldn't be a secret! But I'm sure Anne is qualified to find the weakest link in a relationship

                      ​I can't really add anything that hasn't already been said; when you're alone, do you miss the other person's jokes or smile or their voice or your time spent together, OR do you miss THEM as a concept and find yourself bored with nothing to do when you're alone?

                      ​Kaze makes a good point, scared of being alone does make you lower your standards a bit; you'll go with someone who you'd normally never tolerate, in fact they may not be good for you at all but you may be completely blind to this whilst your friends and family do notice.

                      ​Partners in a relationship are meant to complement each other (probably compliment too), but if you need the other person to complete you then that's just the fear of being alone. People scared of being alone often lack the skills and insight they need to survive being lonely and independent, but the best way to fix this is to learn those skills instead of trying to find a partner to be with you, I think that's the solution
                      SUCCESS is not final, FAILURE is not fatal; it is the courage to continue that counts

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        You've all given some really interesting thoughts AzathKelara, Glenn, Kaze & Aidan. It sounds like you all feel there's strong distinctions between the feeling of genuinely wanting to be with someone and the fear of being alone. Why do you think some people are scared of being single?

                        Something interesting you mentioned Aidan, is those who are scared to be single should learn the skills that they need to survive being lonely and to be more independent. How do you all think they could learn these skills?

                        Look forward to hearing you thoughts

                        - Aife

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Hi everyone

                          Sometimes it's really tricky to know whether we want to be with someone because of how we feel about them or just because we want to be with someone. There are loads of reasons why people fear being single - perhaps because of low self-esteem or just because all their friends seem to be in relationships. It's important that we don't feel like we have to rush into anything though.

                          Whilst being in a relationship can feel amazing, it often requires work and commitment so if you're with someone for the wrong reasons this can feel tiresome rather than rewarding. Rushing into a relationship so as not to be single can also cause further hurt down the road as the relationship is unlikely to survive.

                          I think the most important thing is to be happy enough with who you are and what you're doing so that being in a relationship adds something to your life but it isn't your whole life. Spend time with your friends and family, develop a new hobby, start volunteering (you could even do it on here), learn to cook, read all those books that you've never had time to, do whatever you like but make your life so full that you don't feel as though you're missing something.

                          Finally, just know that if you're in a relationship you deserve it to be with someone who you really feel something for!

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