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  • Breaking up with a soulmate

    Hello everyone,

    My story is a bit long, but I would really appreciate any help you can offer, because I am feeling very lost. Thank you!

    I posted a couple of days ago asking for advice on a long-distance relationship that was about to begin. It is not anymore, we decided to take a break while we are away and possibly pick it back up when we are in the same country again. Unfortunately this will be in a year and 4 months. While we both understand that this is the best decision currently for both of us, because LDRs come with a lot of stress and we would have missed out on a lot in our personal lives, it undoubtedly hurts a lot. I am leaving for the USA for 4 months, during which time we wouldn't have been able to see each other at all, and then I'm going to Spain for 9 more months, in which we would have been able to see each other once a month.

    We dated for only 6 months, but it was amazing. We didn't have fights, whatever disagreement we had was easily resolved talking, we loved each other and LIKED each other, which in my opinion is even more important. We felt attracted to each other. We were truly a perfect fit, and I am not saying this now out of delusion or sadness. It was really all there. It is not that we wanted to be with other people either, we simply did not want to hold each other back in terms of everyday experiences like going out with friends or travelling just to be able to talk to each other often, which is the reason why we broke up (he has no sex drive due to a medical condition so I believe it was not about meeting other people at all). We both felt this is what had to happen, but we were and are very sad about it happening.

    However, as reasonable as this all may sound, I am a firm believer in love. I do understand that this was the best decision for us currently, but I am lost. I really feel we were very right for each other, but I am afraid that after a year and 4 months we won't want to start over again (I dated my previous boyfriend for almost 3 years and after a year and a half, all of it is almost completely gone - good memories and bad!). After all, our relationship was not that long. We will not be talking at least for a while while the pain is still fresh, and afterwards I fear the love will be gone. I fear it will be gone for both of us. I felt at home with him and I don't know how to move on from that.

    I hate not knowing. He was the one who suggested we do a hiatus and revisit our relationship when we came back, but even so I do not know if he meant it truly or not, or if it was just something to say. He said some beautiful things don't last and we have to let them go, which does not make them any less beautiful. However, I do know he loved and appreciated me, and being as practical as he is (very practical), I think that he would want a relationship back which was working perfectly, right (unless he is with someone else, or I am, but for the sake of the argument let's assume we aren't). People have told me to trust in fate and believe that we will find our way back to each other, but I am struggling to do so. I have a few questions:

    1. We promised not to talk for a while to let ourselves heal. I am not sure how long that period should be. I think in about two months I could contact him. Does that sound reasonable? Or should I wait for him to contact me, since he was the one who suggested the hiatus? (keeping in mind he doesn't know exactly when I'm coming back and he isn't one to message a lot in general)

    2. I don't want to be simply friends, but at the same time I feel like if we don't talk at all, we will forget each other and move on. Should we talk at all and be friendly while I'm in America and risk just staying friends and not being able to go beyond that, or should I just leave it and wait until we can be together again, when I can openly discuss with him what I'd like and see if he's on the same page?

    3. I would like to go back to a relationship with him after I come back from America. He suggested when we were breaking up that we wouldn't be if I wasn't leaving for America. Obviously you can't know for sure, but being in Europe and having very cheap tickets between our locations, we would be able to see each other a lot for an LDR. Do you think that it would be okay to just check with him at that point (in 4 months time) whether he is okay with trying again, or should I leave it until I come back in a year and 4 months?

    I realise that all of my questions are very specific,and I've given a lot of information, but I really need some specific advice... Hopefully someone out there can say. Thank you for reading and I hope you have a wonderful day!

  • #2
    Hey Raindrop,

    Welcome to the community.

    No worries about the long post - more context is never a bad thing! I hope it helped to get things out and down on a page like that?

    Having the strength and conviction to make this decision and have a break in a relationship is impressive. It's super easy to let feelings take over and end up grinding things out when you both know it's not healthy, but it really sounds like you've put a lot of thought into this (and rightly so).

    About the questions you mention - I think it's worth bearing in mind that the answers to those will depend hugely on both yourself and him as people and what's right for you rather than an objectively correct choice. So we might not be able to help you with what's 'reasonable' or what's best, but we can definitely offer some thoughts.

    1. A cool down period sounds really sensible - 'letting yourselves heal' as you phrased it. Deciding to leave the ball in his court and let him initiate conversation is one option, and if you were to decide that then it might be best to be quite open with him about what you're doing (so saying that you'll wait for him to get in touch). Equally you could ask him what he'd prefer to do, and if he'd rather hear from you when you're ready then that's an option too, right?

    2. Personally, I think being open to being friendly with each other might be good. Regardless or whether you end up actually talking or not, being open to doing so rather than walling it off like it's forbidden might help you relax and avoid feeling too stressed. That's just me though, again it would depend on what you both feel comfortable with.

    3. I guess there's no harm in testing the waters with that idea. I mean if you're curious about it and genuinely think it might be an option, then it's okay to go with your instincts and broach him about it. It certainly sounds reasonable by my measure, purely based on what you've said in this post.

    Again, the key to a lot of these sorts of questions is open and honest discussion with the other person and figuring out what you both want and need. Thinking about what you want from this might be a good place to start.

    I hope that helps - I know I wasn't very commital in my answer there! Hopefully some others can come in and offer some more solid advice.

    It's so wonderful to hear you've met someone you connect with so well, by the way. It sounds like you guys have had a really good run, even if you are having a bit of a hiatus. Best of luck with everything and let us know how you go.
    "You're familiar with the phrase "man's reach exceeds his grasp"? It's a lie: man's grasp exceeds his nerve."

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    • #3
      Hey

      Not sure i can be much help. But reading this it sounds like you already know what you want? Just not knowing whether he's on the same page. But ill just give up and insight of my opinion. I think it would be best rhat you communicate how yoi feel about it all and the long distant relationship properly if you haven't already.

      But you sound like you really get on with this person. In personal experience once you start liking someone and fallen for them then even after a year the feelings are still there without much contact. But i think in reality if you have a lot of feelings it may be quite hard to aviod temptations of not wanting to message him. ( for some people anyway) so maybe after a year the feelings will still be pretty strong and may still find your way back to each other. But that all depends on different people and their feelings .Two months does sound reasonable. And I'm not sure what hiatus and revisit mean sorry.

      I'm not sure on your second question. I understand long distant relastionships can be hard but if you can be friends being long distant instead of waiting then maybe you can be together long distant? And occasionally check how each other are doing til it's been a year? A year can go quite fast. This is just my opinion and all depends on what you want and whqt you think is best.

      Maybe just plod along and see how you feel and commincte how you feel if you don't feel comfortable with how things are going. And find ways around it. And maybe be that it doesnt work out or that it does but i think speaking about it not could help.

      And think it's okay to check up after 4 months and see if he's okay and would want to try again.
      Last edited by Shaunie; 19-05-2017, 12:32 PM.
      "Nothing's ever what we expect, but they keep asking where we're going next" Robin Schulz - Sun goes down

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      • #4
        Thank you both for your answers.

        We definitely had a great time together, but me being the person that I am who always feels more and falls in love more deeply, I can't know for sure we are on the same page. I know there is no way of knowing, even we ourselves can't know if we will have these feelings in a year. We are just 20 and 21 so a whole year will change us a lot for sure. I am very scared that there will be nothing there on his side after that period, or even on mine.
        I really believe in love, guys, but it hurts knowing he couldn't put in the effort, however great we were together.
        I know there is no magical way to heal, but do you have any ideas about how I can just accept that this is what it is and it's going to be a while before we can talk and maybe get back together? He never said we for sure were, we agreed we were talking about it when I came back, so it's not a promise in any way. I just want to be able to move on, because thinking that we will be back together is going to really destroy me if it turns out all he was trying to do was move on and forget and actually never get back together, and he just said it like a thing to say to calm us down in the moment... I want to be able to move on for now and then if ever the time is right, we could go back to how things were maybe.

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        • #5
          Sorry this is a late reply.

          Unfortunately you are right. There is no magical way to heal. But there are ways to cope. Just wondering if you've spoke about it anymore?

          If you have to question that he might just want to move on & not get back . Doesn't that say something?

          If you do want tl move on from the relastionship now. It is very hard but may get easier with time. Doing things to distact you may help and even being around other people in the same sort of relastionship may help to completely move On? But do understand it's quite painful to move on.

          Let's us know how it goes ?
          "Nothing's ever what we expect, but they keep asking where we're going next" Robin Schulz - Sun goes down

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          • #6
            We have not been in contact for about a week, and we aren't going to be for a while, we didn't say how long, but I think we need a period of no contact to cool down and also to see if after that we would want something together, or even as friends. I think I won't talk to him for about two months and then see if we can establish some contact and if he would initiate contact first and all of that, because I don't want to be a doormat obviously.

            I do think he wants to move on for the time being simply because we can't be together right now. Imagine the scenario where he starts casually dating someone down the line (we will be apart for quite a while, and as far as he knows, a year and a half, I'm planning to try and get him back earlier but who knows) and it ends up being serious, even if that wasn't the plan. I'd be out of sight and out of mind. I don't think he will be dating soon because we really love each other and he is not a person to look for casual hookups ever, even when we were just friends before, he never did, so... I know he is not lying about that. I don't doubt our love was and is still real, I'm just worried how much he will let it go and how much he would hold on, if that makes sense. It's a long time to wait for someone.

            Thank you for replying, if you have any more comments, please do, because I am very lost and very very sad. It's really hard.

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