Essential support for under 25s

Announcement

Collapse

Post of The Month (July)

Aidan is our Post of The Month winner voted by the community for the following post:

"Hey Lucie,

You say you're still on medication and have had lots of therapy? Maybe it's a matter of revisiting old coping techniques and anything else like that, that therapy taught you?

And Drea is absolutely right! Even someone with everything material that they could ever want isn't insusceptible to mental illness. Any sex, race, age, class; it doesn't discriminate...
"
(Click for full post)
See more
See less

Verbal and Non-Verbal Consent

Collapse
X
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Verbal and Non-Verbal Consent



    Hey everyone,

    The definition of sexual consent can be confusing in real life and sometimes people find it hard to understand what consent means in different situations. The law defines consent as someone agreeing ‘by choice’ to the sexual experience and having ‘the freedom and capacity to make that choice’. For example, if someone is drunk, asleep, unconscious or too young to understand about sex, they are unable to give consent.

    It important to remember that it doesn’t matter who the other person is, what your relationship with them might be, or how far you’ve gone with them in the past – you always have a right to say no or withdraw your consent at any time.

    Consent can be given both verbally and physically, so as well as verbally communicating consent, it’s important to keep in mind someone’s body language.

    Do you think consent was given in this video about Laura & Matt? What could be some examples of both verbal and non-verbal consent?

    - Aife

  • #2
    It'd be useful if someone would give advice about how best to obtain consent in an intended one-night stand. If you're male, asking directly would likely result in being sharply slapped around the face, insulted, having a drink thrown over you etc.

    In regard to drunkenness, millions of people have had sex with someone new whilst under the influence of alcohol. A high proportion of those people got drunk in order to lower their inhibitions and make them more bold in order to enable them to achieve their goal that night of having sex with someone new. How drunk is too drunk to consent?

    A change in the law means that fellatio without consent from the receptive partner is now classed as rape.
    Last edited by Robert; 19-04-2017, 09:43 PM.

    Comment


    • #3
      Thank you for sharing.
      I've had sessions after sessions about consent (for my safety) and still get confused.

      Consent wasn't given in the video. And consent isnt given if they're non verbally - being stiff, tense, not much eye contact, hardly moving or saying anything, pushing away and being withdrawal, not looking like they are enjoying it and looking upset. ? And show they do want it if they look like they enjoy it, actively moving instead of staying still, giving eye contact, touching back and looking relaxed.

      I dont know how drunk is to drunk. But I think if theh are drunk, it's rape. Cause there's being drunk and having a couple of drinks are not affecting that much. And if they clearly seem different and can barely say much, let alone communicate what they want, then definitely rape.

      Verbal consent is saying things that are positive and are saying yes
      Last edited by Shaunie; 20-04-2017, 04:54 PM.
      The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide you are not going to stay where you are

      Comment


      • #4
        I was just taught that anything other than 'yes' means no. I can't pick up on all these non-verbal ways of consenting anyway. Is a naked girl laying on my bed consenting non-verbally? I don't know. That's why I keep it simple by keeping single.
        SUCCESS is not final, FAILURE is not fatal; it is the courage to continue that counts

        Comment


        • #5
          Freezing isn't consent - that's the point of the video and article.

          Shaunie, you've confused the terms. Verbal and non-verbal consent are two types of consent. Verbal consent uses words; non-verbal consent doesn't. Someone choosing to take their clothes off and initiate or be receptive to sex are examples of non-verbal consent. Non-verbal consent means consent that isn't verbal - it doesn't mean a lack of consent.

          Some people get drunk a lot quicker than others. Some people want to get drunk and have sex with someone new - it's many people's idea of a great night out.
          Last edited by Robert; 20-04-2017, 04:47 PM.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Aidan View Post
            I was just taught that anything other than 'yes' means no. I can't pick up on all these non-verbal ways of consenting anyway. Is a naked girl laying on my bed consenting non-verbally? I don't know. That's why I keep it simple by keeping single.
            Most sex doesn't involve either party actually saying yes.

            Millions of single people have sex.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Robert View Post

              Shaunie, you've confused the terms. Verbal and non-verbal consent are two types of consent. Verbal consent uses words; non-verbal consent doesn't. Someone choosing to take their clothes off and initiate or be receptive to sex are examples of non-verbal consent. Non-verbal consent means consent that isn't verbal - it doesn't mean a lack of consent.
              .
              Ah oh yeah
              The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide you are not going to stay where you are

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Robert View Post
                Millions of single people have sex.
                If I'm going to have sex with someone, it'd be with someone I'm involved with romantically. Sex shouldn't be a commodity, I know if I was a woman I wouldn't be happy with strangers putting their penis inside me before running off to never been seen again. Of course, that's just my opinion.
                SUCCESS is not final, FAILURE is not fatal; it is the courage to continue that counts

                Comment


                • #9
                  I didn't say that sex should be a commodity - although the reality is that most women demand/require some form of payment before they will agree to have sex (flowers, chocolates, jewellery, restaurant dinner, designer clothes, money, him paying her bills etc.) That's true in many long-term relationships as well, in which the man pays all the bills, mortgage, holidays etc. whilst the woman contributes little or nothing.

                  Having sex when single doesn't mean that it has to be a one-night stand. Some people have long-term sex buddies.

                  Many women become rich by charging strangers a lot of money to put their penises in them.
                  Last edited by Robert; 20-04-2017, 05:41 PM.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Robert View Post
                    I didn't say that sex should be a commodity - although the reality is that most women demand/require some form of payment before they will agree to have sex (flowers, chocolates, jewellery, restaurant dinner, designer clothes, money, him paying her bills etc.) That's true in many long-term relationships as well, in which the man pays all the bills, mortgage, holidays etc. whilst the woman contributes little or nothing.

                    Having sex when single doesn't mean that it has to be a one-night stand. Some people have long-term sex buddies.

                    Many women become rich by charging strangers a lot of money to put their penises in them.
                    If a woman finds it hard to be sexually involved with one person only, or sees sex as a comodity to be traded or sold, I want nothing to do with them. Anyway, we've gone off the topic of consent.

                    My original point was I (and other people with autism etc.) find it difficult to understand ANY non-verbal cues, so I think it's best to be frank rather than expect the other person to guess. But people aren't frank, and I'm not too bothered about sex anyway, so I'm not too keen on engaging sexually any time soon.
                    SUCCESS is not final, FAILURE is not fatal; it is the courage to continue that counts

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      The problem with being frank about what you want sexually is that it will likely get you a sharp slap around the face, a drink thrown over you etc. That's what the people who advise asking directly for consent don't take into account.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        If you can't trust someone to not assault you for communicating openly about sex with them, don't have sex with them. Seems simple enough to me.

                        There's much more you can get from a person other than sex, but sex is what most people are most bothered about.
                        Last edited by Aidan; 20-04-2017, 06:39 PM.
                        SUCCESS is not final, FAILURE is not fatal; it is the courage to continue that counts

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          But you won't know how she'll react to that until you ask her for sex the first time. She could be fine before then, but snap and lash out at you. Some people are very touchy about the subject of sex. She might be offended at you raising the subject before taking her on a minimum number of dates or having been seeing her exclusively for a minimum amount of time.

                          Most women never initiate sex, so being passive and waiting for her to suggest it would probably result in never having sex once in your whole life. Initiating sex is a heterosexual man's burden, but there's no advice about how exactly to do so. You'd likely be snapped at if you were even to ask anyone for advice on the matter.
                          Last edited by Robert; 20-04-2017, 07:24 PM.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            In a way, that simplifies things I think. If someone were to ever snap at me, I'd know that we were too different to ever be 'meant for each other' and I would end the relationship there. Once I've found someone who is comfortable at my pace and is willing to try the things I am (and vice versa), then I've found the right person.

                            Does that make any sense?
                            SUCCESS is not final, FAILURE is not fatal; it is the courage to continue that counts

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              You could go through that process with loads of girls and not get anywhere with any of them. Each time could take months. I'm several years older than you and I haven't found a girl who wants to go at my pace with me.

                              Comment

                              Hide this page

                              Local Advice Finder

                              Find local services

                              The Mix. Registered charity number: 1048995

                              Working...
                              X