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Bad Past- Reminded every birthday

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  • Bad Past- Reminded every birthday

    So my childhood wasn't great and every year at this time it gets reminded of the most as it gets closer to my birthday which is on the 18th March. (I'm 20 in 3 days!!!)

    ​So with my childhood I was taken away from my birth parents at a young age due to them being unable to look after me and I was put into care. At 2 I was then adopted out and lived with my adoptive parents ever since. Every time it gets to my birthday (also sometimes Christmas) I think about my situation and whether I want to see my birth parents again and give them a second chance or if they deserve it or not after what they put me through.

    ​Is it normal to feel like this? Want as many replies as possible and if anyone has any experiences of their own linked to this would be nice to hear them!

  • #2
    Hi Laura,

    It must be tough being reminded of your childhood at times that are supposed to be happy. Here for you!

    I suppose it's pretty normal to feel like this, especially now that you're old enough to go and find them if you want to. You can always search for your birth records to find who they are, but you don't have to take it any further.

    It'd be wrong to ask them to be your acting parents, especially since your adoptive parents have put in way more effort than them. But that doesn't mean you can't get to know them!

    As for thinking whether to give them a second chance- they put you into care probably after lots of thought, assuming it was the best decision for you at the time. For all you know, they could be thinking about you at your birthday and christmas as well.

    That's just my opinion, everything's entirely up to you. Hope I helped somewhat, get in touch 😊
    SUCCESS is not final, FAILURE is not fatal; it is the courage to continue that counts

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    • #3
      Hi Aidan. Thanks for the reply. Yeah it is tough to be reminded about stuff like this especially when my birthday is meant to be a happy time. Yeah I'm nearly 20 so I am old enough to find them if I want to and I don't know what I want to do for the best too be honest. Yeah I know it would be right for them to be my parents again considering they obviously put me in care because they couldn't look after me. I just want them to be part of my family as after all they are the ones that brought me into this world!!! They didn't choose to put me into care, I had to go into care because one of them had a mental illness and one was aggressive so it wasn't save for me to stay with them. I know with what they put me through most people would probably tell me its not worth looking for them after that but part of me wants to see them again or have them as part of my life again but also I don't know if I should. I am 50/50 about the whole situation. Thanks for the help Aidan x

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      • #4
        That's okay Laura 😊

        If you do decide you want to find them, the first place to look would be at your birth certificate. If you don't have it, you can order a copy from the GRO, but this will cost you about 10. Not sure if your birth certificate will be online yet, they only digitize older birth certificates normally. But anyway, that's just if you want to find your parents. It's up to you what you want to do, although I understand now that you may not necessarily want to meet them in person because of the circumstances of you being placed in care.

        No worries, happy to help, here for you x
        SUCCESS is not final, FAILURE is not fatal; it is the courage to continue that counts

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        • #5
          Laura, it's your choice. Have you asked your adoptive family what they think? Do you get on well with them? Did they give you a good upbringing?

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          • #6
            Thanks for the reply again Aidan. Thanks for the information. Right now I don't know what to do for the best, I guess they did what was best for me in the past but it has always had a big impact on my life what I went through as a child. Always here for you to Aidan.


            ​Hi Robert thanks for the reply. Yeah I know its my choice and its hard to know what to do for the best right now. I haven't spoken to my adoptive family because I don't want them to feel they haven't done a good job of bringing me up, they have been amazing parents. I just feel that they wont understand that I'm feeling like this about my birth parents with what they put me through. I do get on with my adoptive parents its just I find it hard to mention about my birth parents because I don't want them to feel bad. I had a good upbringing thanks. I feel I can talk to my auntie more than my adoptive parents too be honest if that makes sense.

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            • #7
              If I were in your position, I would want to see my biological family. Bear in mind that they probably gave you up for adoption because they couldn't / wouldn't look after you and they were probably neglecting you severely. Social services probably noticed that you weren't being looked after and suggested to them that it would be better if you were adopted. If you do meet them, be prepared for all possibilities: your bio parents could be awful people. They may have split up. They may have new partners and/or other children. They may live a long distance away from you. They might be seriously ill, dead or in prison. They might not welcome you. They might live in poverty, have problems with drink, drugs etc. They may become a burden to you. On the other hand, they might welcome you and love you - and then you'd be a part of two families.
              Last edited by Robert; 15-03-2017, 11:40 PM.

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              • #8
                Do you feel that you can talk to your adoptive family about wanting to see your bio family? Have you ever talked to your adoptive family about your bio family?

                If you're still unsure, you could contact adoptees who've been in your situation and ask them how things went for them.

                You didn't have any say about the circumstances of your early life or the decision that you be adopted, so you shouldn't feel bad about it. Your bio parents' inadequacy isn't your fault.

                Many adoptees feel rejected. However, most have a significantly better life with their adoptive family than they'd have had if they'd stayed with their bio family or been raised in a children's home. Be pleased that you were taken in by a good couple who gave you a decent life.
                Last edited by Robert; 16-03-2017, 03:16 AM.

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                • #9
                  Hi Laura,
                  I read something a while ago that said give people a second chance but not a third, if you feel like you can contact them it could be really good for in terms of gaining some closure which it sounds like you need. it could give you a chance to fully understand their situation because chances are they didn't want to send you into care and having a child whilst you're struggling with a mental illness must be really hard and they probably just wanted what was best for you and it might be really helpful to you to gain some understanding over the situation. I think if you don't find them you may feel like this every year and your birthday is a day to celebrate you, not wonder about your past.

                  I hope that helps,

                  Ella xo
                  love, me

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                  • #10
                    Yes, if you find out what they're like you'll feel better. Even if they're a nightmare and you never want to see them again, at least you'll have closure. Although they're your blood family, they're strangers. If you decide to meet them, it might be better to take a friend with you. Or you could just see them on webcam rather than meeting them in person.
                    Last edited by Robert; 16-03-2017, 08:27 AM.

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                    • #11
                      ​Hi Robert thanks for the reply. Yeah I want to see my biological family again but what you have said is a good point. There is 2 ways of seeing this situation and that's why I don't know what to do for the best. Yeah I could contact other adoptees that have been in my position- is there a certain website for this?! No i didn't have any say on what happened in my past because it happened at a young age so i didn't really understand what was going on. Yeh i have had a better life with my adoptive family. Is it normal to feel that you more likely to be able to communicate with your auntie then your parents? I just feel that my auntie is the only auntie i have known whereas with my adoptive parents i don't feel i can openly talk to them?! Yeah it might feel better to know what they are like but on the other hand it might not help. Yeh if I do meet them in person I will take someone with me or might just do it online instead until I know for sure what I want to do.

                      ​Hi Ella thanks for the reply. Thanks for the advice and I can see where u are coming from, thanks a lot

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                      • #12
                        Many people prefer another family member over their parents.

                        Have you had no contact with your bio family since you were two?

                        Have you talked about this issue with any of your friends?
                        Last edited by Robert; 16-03-2017, 11:27 AM.

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                        • #13
                          ok that's fine then, I haven't had any contact with my biological family since I was 2 although I think my parents still contact them to let them know how we are getting on, no I keep tis to myself because they wont understand

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                          • #14
                            Hi Lura just popped in to see how you were. This sounds like an awkward position to be in. How would you feel about contacting them and then deciding if you want to stay in contact with them or not. I would say it is perfectly normal to want to know your birth family

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                            • #15
                              I think it would be best to find out what sort of people they are first - then you can decide if you want to meet them.

                              There must be organisations, support groups etc. for adoptees. They should be able to help you.
                              Last edited by Robert; 21-03-2017, 01:00 AM.

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