So my boyfriend and I have been together for about 9 months now, however Ive actually known him for about 5 or 6 years. We met through mutual acquaintances. About 10 months ago we went on a group holiday together, and while nothing happened between us on holiday he said that it made him see me in a different light, after that it became pretty obvious that he had feelings for me and things kind of developed from there.
I was very unsure at the time of what to do because I didnt have feelings for him. In fact at that point I had already begun to entertain the idea that I might be asexual as although I had been in relationships in the past I had never had the types of feelings that people describe having when they fancy anyone. I have definitely never been in love. I have still not come to a conclusion as to whether I am asexual or not as I also suffer from depression and am debating whether or not to go to the Drs to see about getting my hormones checked and whether something else could be the cause but thats not the point.
I had joined up to Aven the asexuality forums and had asked around there for advice and after hearing what people there as well as what my friends had to say I decided to go for it. I thought that he was such a nice guy that he deserved a chance and from what I knew of him as a friend I knew he would make a good boyfriend and so we started dating and I hoped, as I had done in my previous relationships, that my feelings would develop overtime.
We havent had sex. Despite dating for 9 months, and I know thats all on me. I know he really wants to and he has been hinting at it more and more recently, asking me to spend the night or go to a hotel somewhere but I dont know if I can. It wouldnt be the first time Ive slept with someone without fancying them, as I said I have been in relationships before where I never fancied the guy, they have been sexual. But this time feels different and I'm not sure why. Part of the issue is that we both still live at home with parents and I am a very private person and refuse to have sex when someone else could walk in on us or even could hear us from a different room etc. There is never a time that we have a house to ourselves as my dad is disabled and doesnt work and cant really leave the house and he has a big family with younger siblings all living at home, so someone is always there.
Another issue is me, again. My last relationship ended when I was 20 so its been 4 years since Ive been in a relationship and 4 years since Ive had sex. I was never particularly confident in my skills in bed in the first place but now that its been so long I feel completely in over my head and uncomfortable and generally quite anxious with the idea of having sex again, in general, not just with him. I also have a really low sex drive. Like insanely low, I could probably go with never having sex again in my life and not really care (again I dont know if this is just me and its a sexuality thing or a depression thing or a medical thing, I havent had the confidence to go a Dr about it yet).
The other big issue is that we haven't spoken about any of this, which again, is largely my issue as I am not an open person and find it very difficult to speak about my feelings. However there have been a few incidents recently that has made me doubt really trusting him with my emotions. Weve only fooled around a couple times recently but the first time we, how do I say this, manually stimulated each other, after we, you know, finished, he made a big thing out of taking a big sniff of his fingers and making fun of how I smell. Now that to me is a huge no no and felt like a punch in the gut, like, I cant be the only girl out there who has worried about her smell. I have never smelled another girl so for all I know I could smell disgusting compared to everyone else. I know he meant it as a joke and when I told him that it was not funny he promised me he wouldnt do it again but it made me hesitant to let him anywhere down again, and has kind of enhanced my anxiety about sex.
The other things have been smaller. He has, a couple of times, dismissed my point of view if its something that he doesnt agree or understand. Like I am trying to eat healthily and diet right now and he keeps saying that we should go for ice cream or get a take away and every time he comes round to mine he buys junk food for us to eat. I have asked him to stop because I am trying to lose weight and he just says that it doesnt matter, he thinks I look good so I dont need to lose weight and that its just one pizza or just one ice cream and it wont make a difference. When Ive pointed out to him that its not just one pizza etc. and that it does make a difference, just because he can eat rubbish and stay skinny doesnt mean I can, he just goes back to the so what I think you look good stance and doesnt really register what I am saying.
Like I said these things sound small but I feel like if I cant trust him to be understanding or accepting of my feeling on these things then how can I expect or trust him with my thoughts and feelings on the big issues I mentioned above.I know he isnt doing it intentionally, he is genuinely a nice guy and doesnt like to hurt people. He just isnt very sensitive and he is also super confident and doesnt care what anyone else thinks of him and he seems to live in his own little bubble sometimes where it genuinely doesnt occur to him that not everyone is the same as him. I dont want to break up with him but I do want to somehow make him see, as I am perhaps an overly sensitive person, things from my perspective and improve our communication so that he understands where I am coming from so that I can start to trust him more with my emotions again and therefor can start discussing the big issues of sex and feeling etc. but I have never been good at speaking to people in general and even worse at speaking about my feelings so I have no idea where to start. I should probably also mention that we have a 4 day break booked to go to London in December at which point he will definitely expect sex so we really need to get this sorted by then.
I dont really know what kind of response I am looking for but I have no one else to talk to so any and all advice would be welcome.