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Unequal friendship

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  • Unequal friendship

    I have a friend who I always seem to care a lot more about, than they seem to care about me. Things like it's always me who makes the effort to call them, and it's always me who does nice things for them, and i never recieve much of this in return. After a while I just thought well what's the point, they're balatantly not interested in me anymore, which is fair enough I suppose, maybe they've just grown out of me or something. So I decided to stop calling them so often, and stop going out my way, but I find it really hard. I genuinely care about my friend, and I want to know things like how their day's been and when they're down it makes me feel down and I really want to help, even though I find it constantly gutting that I get nothing in return. But I can't just turn off caring about them.

    Am I just to accept this is the way our relationship works, or can I do something to change it? It wasn't always like this, there was a time it was probably more the other way around! We've been mates for years and I don't want to give the person up I guess. Just wished they were more bothered about me, but then you can't make someone care about you I guess.
    And I'll try not to feel this music's for you

  • #2
    Heya Kate,

    It sounds like this friend means a lot to you - and that you've already done a lot of the things that might work to revive a friendship, eg. calling them, making the effort to do nice things for them, etc.

    Depending on how close you originally were, it might be worth suggesting that you do something together regularly, eg. joining a club/gym/sports team together; or doing something special for the day (going to a spar perhaps?); or a weekend trip together? Having some time to talk and developing common interests, might bring you both closer again.

    But as you say, friendship's a two way thing, and if the other person doesn't put in the effort, it might be time to reconsider your priorities. There's an article on TheSite.org which gives some reasons why you might want to 'dump a mate' and focus on friends who are worth the effort.

    Hope things work out for you.
    Tash

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    • #3
      A tough one, but a good talking can help.

      It's not dissimilar to me. Friends who live now together care a little less about me, because they are always with each other and it's often times me, who has to do the effort.

      On the other hand, I have a few friends who call me from time to time, ask how I've been, what's news etc. and I find I call them really really rarely, just because I don't seem to think of it.

      It's a comforting thought to have more friends that you seem to remember, on the other hand, it's unfair, if you never think about them. Like, when I want to go out, it's always the same 4 or 5 people I call, but never the few guys who call me up, and bestow me with wonderful evenings.

      Then there's the people who never have time for me, never call back, never try to make another 'date' up, when they can't on day x. It's troublesome, since those people are usually hot birds (but apparently not worth it), but I digress...


      Talk to this person carefully, but be prepared that old friendships often fizzle out, because people shift their interests and (kind of) their personality, so it might be just a lake that ran dry in the end.

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      • #4
        I'm in a similar situation, but have been told that it's not possible for my friend to see me all the time because he's busy.

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