even when i'm feeling 'ok', i still feel like i want to be dead. i can't deal with people anymore, nor the pain that has got so bad, i don't want to see what is round the corner because it is usually just worse anyway. no i won't contact samaritans, they don't reply anymore and i don't talk on the phone. i can't work, not even voluntary, it's too much. i won't call crisis team because they suck and there is the risk of hospital as always like every time i see the mh team, who have made my life a living hell. i hate my face i hate my body i hate my personality i hate my mind i hate myself. i want to take all my painkillers and fall asleep forever but people say its actually painful, but then i'm in pain anyway so why not. they have traumatised me i want to burn the place down i want to beat the shit out of them i want to inject them with toxins first so they are paralysed. lets see them paralysed and then stuck to the floor and burning away and not able to get out and the last thing they see is fire and me stood there with a match. i want them to pay for what they've done fuck off bastards
Hey Nutter - you posted pretty late last night. How are you feeling today?
Did it help to get your thoughts out? It sounded like you were feeling really angry last night and full of a lot of really strong emotions. Having an outlet is really important so I'm really glad that you came to the boards and posted.
Have you ever tried Saneline? They specialise in support for mental health and you might find them more useful, could be worth a try if Samaritans aren't doing it for you at the moment. Here's there info: http://www.sane.org.uk/what_we_do/support/
"The greater the problems you've survived, the richer your hidden history of achievement is likely to be."
don't wanna talk to professionals they let me down and generally too fed up with it all to even move my tongue to speak. been having terrible sleep. take zopiclone but doesn't work anymore. try n do stuff in the day so i'll be tired to sleep but not much to do, fatigue in the way and the pain kicks in and the anxiety/panic, so its pretty shit. ever since my mh team changed they have totally backed off and don't give me much contact anymore. theres so much I want to do and say but it would land me in deep shit and I canne go thru that again, sectioning or prison or secure unit, I just can't handle it. I wanna lash out but I wanna move on, its immense. you know. so so tempting to take all these zapain pills, i'm prescribed enough! hmm :/
It's good to see you came back to post, even if it's to reiterate how low you feel, it's always reassuring to hear from you and know that ultimately you do want to move on. I'm also glad you know you can come to TheSite when sleep isn't on the menu.
What kinds of things have you been doing in the day?
I'm sorry to hear you feel as if professionals just let you down. Is Saneline something you've tried before? You can email them in confidence if speaking on the phone feels like too much effort.