So you might remember a while ago I put a post out saying we were looking to get post of the month back up and running, well since then we've received a lot of nominations, so here goes!
Our First nomination is for Maisy with her post in Shaunie's thread 'just a question about consent'
What this guy did to you, and how he invalidates it afterwards is horrific and you deserve justice.
Rape can happen to anyone. Men, women, adults, children etc. It doesn't matter where you are, who you are, whether you are in a relationship or not, know the person or not, anytime there is sex without consent, it's rape. Not only that but it doesn't matter how strong sexual urges can be, no-one is forced to act on them. They can take control and either ignore them, or ask for consent. Having sexual urges doesn't justify rape at all.
It's natural to find it physically enjoyable, even orgasm during rape. But even if that does happen, it doesn't mean that you consented or that it's not rape because you enjoyed it or had an orgasm. It's still rape. He wasn't trying to make you happy. Rape is only in the rapists interests for sexual gratification, not yours. You did not do anything to cause the rape at all, regardless of what he might say.
It's traumatic because you didn't have control. It's confusing because it was rape but you may have physically enjoyed it, but you can't control how your body reacts. I'm sorry for what you went through.
You aren't pathetic but I understand how difficult it must be for you. All your feelings are valid and justified.
I recognise some of the things you are feeling. They happened to me after I'd gone through a similar situation (abuse, though not with online role playing) to what you've described. I feel like they're a natural response (though I don't think it's healthy or positive!) and I'd describe it as self-victim blaming, if that makes sense. I'll try and explain further.
The person who persuaded you to role play erotically online manipulated you. It's a technique called grooming, and even though you engaged with the action you couldn't fully consent because you were a) underage and b) manipulated. I say you were manipulated because you mention 'persuaded' and 'encouraged' by other people.
This is a horrible thing to have happened to you and is entirely the fault of the person who manipulated you into online erotic role-playing. They manipulated this behaviour into you, which then occurred with other people. That doesn't make you a bad person.
What often happens when people manipulate us is that we lose confidence in ourselves, and the sly manipulations often cause us to look inwardly for the problem when actually it's an external problem. I feel you're currently looking inwardly towards yourself as the problem, when actually you've been on the receiving end of someone's manipulative abuse through no fault of your own.
I am not a therapist so cannot tell you about all the types of treatment there are, but can give you some idea of the treatments I've experienced. I've done foye types of therapy: talking therapy, Emdr, behavioural cbt and trauma focused cbt.
Talking therapy is great to let out things that have happened to you, Emdr is a great tool for processing traumatic events and flashbacks, and cbt is really good for modifying behaviour. I did trauma focused cbt following my experience with abuse and manipulation and it has been really useful for me for getting to the crux of the problem. Behavioural cbt also helped me with anxiety.
Do you have an IAPT service in your area? They are an NHS service that provides access to psychological treatments and are a place you could approach for help with this.
In the meantime, could you tell us a little about the rationale you have for thinking that you are a criminal or bad person because of your previous experience?
Sounds like you are going through a really hard time at the moment. I understand the way you are feeling completely. I also understand that you are feeling a lot of confusion with all these different thoughts and feelings. We have to try and stay strong for the future and try and think it could get better as we can change it. I also wish I didn't have to be here at this moment in time and could come back when everything have cleared up a bit. We can beat this.
The stress of collage is a lot, with exams coming up it can all get to much but try and take some time for yourself. I will be hard but you can push through it not too much longer to go.
Your not pathetic and you would be missed if you weren't here, you are strong. This will get better even if it looks like it is getting worse.
Stay strong you can do this. How you feeling now?
Get nominating posts for post of the month for may!