Breaking up "because we don't get on" and let's be friends...

[frenchflower]

Hello there,

It's the first time I am writting on this website. I have read lots of threads and it sounds like I could find someone out there to share my thoughts with.

I recently split up with my boyfriend of 4 and 1/2 years.. well recently, that is over 2 months ago. It was kind of a mutual decision which I actually instigated but it still doesn't feel right and I just pray for us to get back together.. But I know it won't happen and it wrecks my head. It's weird, you know things aren't too right, you want to sort them out or talk about it then you end up finishing the relationship. Has that happen to other people recently?

We started seeing each other through parties at my office and got on so well. 6 months into the relationship though, I had to have an abortion. It was a total accident - he never wanted to use condoms, we had a bit of an incident, I took the morning after pill... but I still got pregnant and didn't realise until 10-11 weeks into it. This abortion was the worst thing in my life, as I love children and it is against my faith. But he was adamant we couldn't have it and I didn't feel strong enough to have a baby on my own. So I had the termination. Somehow though, I thought that horrible experience made us closer and stronger because we stuck to each other.

We went on to have a great relationship and I felt so good with him. He is such a great guy to be with, I always felt good around him. Then 2 years ago, he setup his own business with his father and had to start commuting every weekend back and forth. It was only meant to last a few months but things didn't work out the way they thought so we had to carry on seeing each other at weekends only. It was hard but we kept it together. I kept on organising lots of things for him to see his friends at weekends, or meals, theatre nights etc... as well as doing my own things. I was giving 200% in the relationship and I thought he was too. Everyone thought we were the golden couple and we thought we had it all. However, when we started to look for a house to buy together last year, things became a bit difficult. We both have our own houses so would split our time between the two at weekends. I live on my own, he lives with 2 mates... Each weekend would be spent doing up both our houses in order to sell, it was so tiring and stressfull. And I felt we were spending less and less "quality" time together. In addition, we were having less and less sex due to both of us being absolutely petriefied of me getting pregnant again even though I started the pill straight after the abortion. Anyway, we started snapping at each other a lot, which we never used to. And I think it was all to do with work stress, difficult routine and rushing, always rushing to see each other between our 2 houses.
Anyway, we had 2 big arguments, thought it was over, got back together on the same day.. then eventually we had a huge argument and decided it was over. I felt strong at first, but it caught up with me eventually and started having an emotional breakdown. Anyway, we tried the "Let's be friends" thing but it just hurts too much. I still cry all the time and I'm going to see a counsellor soon. As soon as we're in touch, I feel ok then I get all emotional again and it is getting silly. I have great friends and my family has also been so supportive. No one really understands why it happened as everyone thought we would go all the way together, but no one has been jugdmental or anything. Then last week, I sent his a big letter to say how I felt about him - it was a nice love letter. I didn't hear anything, so tried to call him, left messages, but still nothing... So I went back to his house today to try and talk again and after having a great conversation, I got upset again and he got angry. I just took all my stuff back from his house and left.

It is so hard as we have so many friends in common... Some of them can't help but take sides, it is so unfair as I feel like I am treated like a criminal!

Anyway, the whole point of me writting this is that I hope it gets better, does it?... Everyone says it does.. But how do you live with the fact that you know you both love each other, but the circumstances basically killed the relationship? I told him I thought we could work it out.... but he is a man of principles, so once we've established it couldn't work, he doesn't want to even think about it twice... What do you think, people, can you stay friends after loving someone so much and still thinking you could get back together? And how could you be friends if the actual reason you broke up was because you "didn't get on" (As he puts it)? I think a clear cut would be best but I find it so hard to take him out of my life! Has anyone got any advice for me?

Take care and hope everyone is ok... x

[otter]

I hope it gets better, does it?... Everyone says it does..
time is the greatest healer of pain ... a clichee i know but true none the less.

But how do you live with the fact that you know you both love each other, but the circumstances basically killed the relationship?
you just have to learn to accept it, and let go. if you "don't get on" may be its better just to "be friends." at least that way you can both get on with your lives and there are no hard feelings.

[**Cinderella**]

Hi!
Im sorry to hear that you have taken the break up so badly. Before i give any advice i just want to say that i think he is a very very silly man for not 'wanting' to use condoms. If he doesnt want children, then he has no other choice!!! But anyway thats not y im replying.
I started having problems with my boyf over a year ago we have been together nearly 4 years. Basically we were just not getting along like we used to and i used to hope things would get back to how nice they used to be-love is blind so i didnt realise then that people and circumstances change.
Earlier this year we finally came to a clean cut end. I took it pretty badly as i felt it was the wrong thing and i missed not him, but what we had together. I begged for him to just talk about things but he was adamant that we had made the right choice.
We split for a while, but regretfully got back together because i just liked the feeling of security that i had with him. Things were like normal at first and then i just saw clearly the reason why we broke up. I took for me to give the relationship another go realise how happier life had been apart.
It rarely works when people try to stay freinds-i know it messed up my head and i needed a clean break, with no contact and yeah it was really hard to start with but you get into a routine that you cant imagine your ex ever being a part of again.
Dont dwell on the past-no matter what happens now, things will NEVER return to how they were. You have changed, he has changed and everything around you is changing as you speak because you are learning or trying to adapt without him.
Remember the famous saying that time is a healer-well im not kidding but that is the truest saying.
Nobody can change destiny-if this relationship is meant to be then believe me it will and you may end up living happily ever after, but for now you have to learn to get along on your own. With strong feelings for your ex-dont go trying to find a replacement-it never works! You need to get out and about with freinds and family, make a few changes in your life and try and change things that remind you of him for example abit extreme i know but i got a new job, not 1 but 2 to keep my mind occupied! There are also places that i stopped going to for a while because of the memories that it held.
Only you can help yourself and unless you prove to him that you can be strong on your own then he may not want to get back together for fear of things going back to how they were.
Goodluck xx

[Powboskie]

Wow, I was going to try and give you some advice as I can relate to your situation totally - but having read Cinderella's post I've decided to scrap my advice and follow hers! I split up with my gf of 18 months a few weeks ago because of distance (due to work commitments) and only seeing each other at weekends (if that). Just like you and your fella, we still love each other and are trying to stay friends. It's so tough though and in my heart I ultimately don't think it's going to work. You can't help but hope that it will though, can you? Best of luck you, Cinderella's advice is sound. Thanks for that :thumb:

[frenchflower]

Thanks so much for your kind words. I feel ok right now but it is just like a wave, it goes back and forth. I used to be such a strong woman and now I feel like I'm worth nothing, because I was so used to be part of a "us". I was so looking forward to us getting married, having kids... we had spoken about it so many times! We even spoke about what type of music we would have on our wedding day! Anyway, I need to remember that there are really bad things happening to people out there, really bad things... So I should consider myself lucky to have such a great family, great friends, a job, a house, lots of hobbies.... Yes, I was thinking myself about a change of jobs or even careers! I think I will try and take little steps towards what I wish to have for myself and eventually, I will get somewhere. Just like my cousin told me yesterday "With a kick in the bum, you can only go forward!".
Are you ok now, Cinderella? I take it the whole thing is quite recent for you too, I hope you're feeling ok and stronger. I found that each time I want to talk to him, call him or text him, it is best to just write everything down. Reading it all a few weeks after makes you feel stronger, because you realise how much you've gone through and how better you are. I've kept myself occupied and forced myself to go out even when I was sad... Yeah, you always find something or someone who reminds you of the person you love, but then, you can't really change towns, your life has to carry on. Hope you feel good about your life now?
Will keep you posted, thanks again ever so much for taking the time to reply.
xxxx

[**Cinderella**]

I really find writing things down helps a lot because you get to write absolutly everything down which gets it off your chest but you dont have to show anyone! I look back and laugh or cringe at things ive wrote, but it was how i felt at the time!!
What really scared me when i left the relationship was how afraid i was of being on my own and i immediately i felt like i needed someone there because i didnt think i could face the world on my own but i think that is only natural when your so used to being a couple instead of one person. I can see why people dive into relationships straight away, but i do think its the wrong way to go about getting over someone.
Just make some subtle changes and maybe they will turn into big ones. You need lots of self esteem at the moment to help you get through it and i know it may sound silly but just buying a new outfit and getting a new hair style really really does help!
Goodluck with it all.x

[frenchflower]

Hi Powboskie,
I am sorry you're going through similar things... Being friends, hey, sounds like such a good idea... :o) But I think about my previous relationship (6 years) and after we split up, we also tried to stay friends but it was so hard... 2 years after the breakup, he actually turned really nasty to me... I know now it was part of the grieving process still... but now, we are both calm about each other and we call each other up from times to times. We're not in anyone's face or anything, but it is a nice feeling that the friendship that was there has moved on and yet still exists. So who knows... For the time being though, just look after number one and be strong. Take care xxxx