Freedom

[*DEVIL*]

Firstly this is quite difficult for me to tell you all this, but to be quite honest things are so awkward at home at the moment that i am struggling with life so much i cannot be bothered either way!

BUT basically i have very little freedom, my parents are so protective.

If i want to go out i have to tell them where, when, with who and why i am going out. recently i have been lying about where i will be going as if i feel they may say 'no' or we will drive you there or hang on we will walk down the road with you or plainly just no we dont want you doing that - i feel that at the age of 20 i should be allowed a little freedom to choose where and when i want to go out and that they can trust me enough to be in at a certain time.

Before you all start shouting at me saying well they only care - yes they do and i appreciate this, but when you want to meet your mates for a night out and you get told by your dad that he will drive 100yards down the road to make sure i get there safely i start to worry!

I do have a few mates who i get on with brilliantly BUT they are almost 20 years older than me and my dad disapproves he feels they are going to take advantage or murder me or something BUT recently he has not trusted me at all for about 5 weeks all we have done is argue.

I got told by my nan today that she was very ashamed of me because i make my mum and dad worry by going out on an evening (may i mention i am often in before 11) and that i am inconsiderate and selfish - she aslo said that my dad is worrying himself sick and the worry could kill him! I do not take too kindly to threts or emotional blackmail!

I have tried being forceful, staying in, compromising and basically just doing as i am told but nothing seems to work, my sister who is 16 has more freedom than i ever had and to be quite honest i would argue that she gets more freedom now, or rather the family seem to see her as the 'nice' 'dutiful' 'do as your told' kind of daughter me, well me i am trying to rebel against that - i have done my GCSEs Alevels and now at UNI trying to please them i stayed local so i didnt upset them all i have ever done is try to please them, my sister wont do as well as me yet she gets treated with more respect.

The more they do this the further they push me away, how can i get their trust? how can i prove that i am safe and OK? how can i earn trust i may have lost recently through lies (these were only told so that i could have freedom!)

[captaincarwash]

_

[Irnbru]

I think you have every right to be pissed off at your parents, they are stopping you from having a life. You should let them know how you feel, surley at 20 years of age you should be allowed to have a go at doing what you want to do.

Have you ever considered moving out, it may seem a bit drastic but it would give you the space you need and a chance to meet some people your own age.

I think you will regret it if you dont tell them how you feel...

[Mist]

i would consider moving out, or start looking at least. The idea that you're about to move out might be a bit of a jolt for them.

[shiz]

i agree, moving out would probably be the best thing to do. Even if only for a little while to show them that you are in control of your own life. This must get pretty annoying and very frustrating! how about not listening to what they say at all? just doing what you want. Or this always works with my parents, make everything into a joke. Just laugh about somthing they say (in a nice way) and then just leave the house smiling!

hope it works ;)

[blonde__batman]

i know exactly how you feel, im 19 in a few weeks and my parents are like yours. up until 6 months ago i had to be in by 10, regardless of what the day was. i had to tell them exactly where i was going and who i was going with. like you i lied to them. but i still had to be in at the right time.
i decided i wasnt having it and just started gettin in late etc. for the past 6 months they have been better, but i still have to be in by 10 on a week night, and 12 on friday and saturday nights. its stupid!! if i wanna go to a club, i cant! cos i'd have to leave at 11 to make sure i was home for 12!

just dont go home, my dad threatens me with locking me out etc etc, but he never does. they dor is always unlocked wen i return home.

i know its stressful, i've been there. you've just gotta do what you wanna do, by listening to them and doing what they want you dont seem to be gettin anywhere. rebel, just go out and get home wen ever u want. or stay at a friends for a few nights and tell them you arent coming home till they change...it cant make it any worse can it?

[SuzyCreamcheese]

Oh dear, Id move out of there asap. That is absolutely no life at all for a 20 year old.
You seem so sensible, and they obviously just dont know theyre born having a daughter like you. They seriously have got to let go, and I dont think theyre going to do that while youre living with them.
Dont let them smother you. You dont get a second chance, and your youth is such a wonderful time to enjoy.

[nicebutdim23]

id say move out too. there are plenty of rooms availible in students houses, and even if money is a problem....it doesnt have to be expensive and its possibly the best investment you could make in your life anyway. it will give them a chance to accept that you are an adult, and you can finally have some independence.

the problem being is that by not moving away to go to uni you have given them their own way for too long, and longer you leave it like this and do as you're told the more likely it is you will be treated like this. unfortunately for you it has probably got to a point where there will be a row if you go and tears and upset....but imagine being likethis for another 2-3years? they will come round eventually and accept you need to lead your own life - i doubt they would want to lose you over it permenantly,which is what may happen if you stay there, you will end up resenting them.

[chan-chan]

I think you should do as the rest have suggested - and start to look for a place of your own. I moved out over a year ago, not for the same reasons as you, but when you actually move away, it is a big blow to the parents.

This will make them realise what they are doing, and how smothering you have been. When/if you do get somewhere, you can sit them down and talk to them about why you have made that choice, and then they will realise.

[Carolina]

Maybe you should point out to them that they can't shelter and look after you for the rest of your life and you need these years to find your own feet and way in life and that they're really hindering this and not helping. They're not going to be there all the time to stop the bad things happening and the only way you can toughen yourself up for life is by being allowed to make your own mistakes and solve your own problems. I can see their points and can understand how hard it must be to be a parent but at 20 years old they need to realise that their girl is an adult and can make her own decisions and run her own risks. Explain that they just need to be there to catch you if you fall.

[*DEVIL*]

You are all right it is no life, but i am being threatened with the death of my dad, my nan telling me that he worries himself sick and that i am a selfish person for allowing this.

I just cannot see how i am selfish - if it is because i am never in becauae i am lways doing my voluntary work (firstly i am safe) and (secondly i am happy) and (thirdly it gives me the socil life i wouldnt be allowed the rest of the time) and (finally how can this make me selfish) they keep saying charity starts at home, but it never did with me my little sister has always been the 'best' and my nan echoed that the other day!

If i moved out it may help but my guesses are that it will turn the whole family against me! i do not want to upset them further i just want to sort this out, but as of this morning my mum is completely ignoring me (she is usually a happy person - we argue she forgets it) and dad tends to bottle it up, have a go at me not talk for a week then start again.

I understand they are worried i would be worried about my child i just wouldnt act in this over-protective style!

[*DEVIL*]

Basically the attitude have is that in 2 years I WILL be graduating, looking for a job and will be moving as far away as possible!

thier attitude now is causing me to move further apart and to be quite honest i CANNOT wait to do so, they have that option of supporting me as an adult now and me feel more comfortable with staying local OR completely ruining my youth and then me moving away where i wont get the hassle!

[nicebutdim23]

even if it did turn them against you you would still be doing the right thing, it would likely be until the dust settles , then you can all move forward.

what exactly do they think you are up to?

i don't know why your nan would say something so extreme, is there more to it? culture perhaps? a bad incident in the past you can link this to?

[*DEVIL*]

I think the thing that mainly annoys them is the fact that i have friends who are nearly 20 years older than me. Which i understand BUT a good parent would say "i am a little concerned about these people - is there anything you need to tell us?" "NO" "well yo uknow we are here if you would like to talk" at least make themselves approachable should i need to talk as at the moment they are not approachable or easy to talk to.

These people i get on with are good mates who i know well, i know they are not rapists or murderers and i do trust them, i do understand i should be as safe as possible but avoiding them competely is rediculous!

Mum and dad are ashamed of me - but to be quite honest i am not too pleased with them either!

I just want to live like a normal 20 year old - we all have friends/mates/people we talk to who are all different ages, i run a youth club and the children there talk to me, meet up with me but although i am 5/8 years older thena them it may seem strange but they can just talk to me a lot easier!

[*DEVIL*]

Culture no. But a bad incident yes!

Was walking to school one day aged 14 and the lollipop man committed indecent assult, i am over this and i know now that i can spot signs and where to back off! Back then because i had been so sheltered i didnt know but it by being sheltered and not being allowed time to learn from this that will cause it to happen again! they dont see this!

My mum had a go at me today as i went away and since i have come back she has not seen me have a shower or seen my toothbrush so got the impression i cannot be bothered with my personal hygiene 1) yes i can 2) its none of her F**king business!

They are picking fault with EVERY minute thing at them moment and is really DOING MY HEAD IN! moving out is not possible on my wages, student loan etc

I understand going away calling them everyday to say i am OK but last weekend i was so busy at an national conference - i think i upset them some how my not texting/ringing enough!

In the past dad has read my text messages, listened into phone calls and i am sure he asks people to check up on me, from what i hear he calls my mates, people i work with etc to check up on me and check information on me.

I HAVE NEVER EVER DONE ANYTHING TO WARRANT THIS!

[nicebutdim23]

other students manage hun, i don't have a huge amount of spare cash but i manage,and i had debts before i came to uni that im still paying off! rather that than live at home. the freedom is worth it.

[SuzyCreamcheese]

tbh devil, I think they are completely over the top. Its a form of abuse in my opinion.
You just cant go on not having any personal space. Your dads illness is not your responsibility nor your fault, and if they are trying to put that on you, its outrageous and cruel.
If that was a relationship and someones partner was acting like that, everyone would be saying `leave` too. Its stifling and smothering.
If you were 12, then maybe it would be more acceptable, but you are an ADULT. youre 20 years old. By your age, id been living away from home for 4 years.
They have no right to be dominating you like they are. You need to move out for your own sanity.

[NothingGoldCanStay]

Well, i was going to say I have the same problem.. but, its not nearly as bad. I have to tell my parents where im going, who im going with, what ill be doing etc.. but i dont mind that too much. Im supposed to call if my plans change and i end up going somewhere other than where i originaly told them.. but im allowed to stay out as long as i want, within a reasonable time. Ive recently found out that 6am is not a reasonable time to be coming home . hehe. oh well.. move out, I say. If you dont like it. . you know the saying.. you're under their roof so you have to follow their rules.

[MrBroked]

From reading that, i'm surprised they let you go online :/ But i'm agreeing with rainbow, it is completely over the top, i'd have a bit of an argument if my parents did something like that to me :P

[Cuddilicious]

My dad use to be the same. Always wanted me home before 11pm at the age of 18. If I was home any later, he wouldn't yell at me. Just give me that disappointed look and not talk to me properly for weeks, which is even worse.

Your best option is to move out.

I had my own place at 18 for a year. Came back home as I couldn't afford the place anymore due to me going back to college. Though I noticed my dads attitude changed. He has learnt to accept that I'm a big girl and can look after myself. Though sometimes, I would have to send a text to my mums mobile just to remind her I'm still alive - though I don't mind doing that as it just puts her mind at ease.

[Yerascrote]

I would have to send a text to my mums mobile just to remind her I'm still alive - though I don't mind doing that as it just puts her mind at ease.

yea same here...sometimes i come home at 7 in the morning and my ma has stayed up all night worrying about me, you feel really guilty because even though you were out having a good time, for all she knew you could've been kidnapped or something so yea contacting her does make her feel at ease...