Sharing the baby?

[kate2419]

I know that this is going to be one of those topics I get replies telling me its something we need to sort out and talk about between ourselves, but right now talking calmly and rationally too each other isnt going to happen.

Following my earlier posts, my boyfriend of nearly five years and I have ended up breaking up for good. I have moved out of his house and taken our son with us, he is four and a half months old. We are both living at my sisters at the moment, and are on the council waiting list for a flat of our own.

For a week before I moved out, he was staying at his mum's, and the baby and me at his house, then when I moved out to my sisters when it became apparent things werent fixable between us, he kept the baby for the first night til I got things settled here, and then he came to stay here with me, he rang today to say he wanted to see him, so I took him round and said I'd go get him in the morning before he goes to work. But my ex is like no, youve had him for the whole weekend, I want him for a few days, its not fair you see him all the time, and I miss out on him growing up. A good point, and its great that he has a daddy that does love him and want to spend time with him and be a big part of his life.

BUT, the thought of more than a night without him cuts me up, and the thought of only ever been a part time mum does even more. Especially as he works all day so baby will be at his mum's, not actaully getting quality daddy time/

Am I being unreasonable thinking that I dont want to split the time we have him 50/50, but I want more than that of him?

What are peoples views on the effect of this on our son? I know he is only young now, but surely it is important for him to get used to a routine and to have one main home?

Before we split up, he was used to all day with me, and his bath and last feed with his daddy, and me doing the majority of night feeds except for at weekends, so he is used to having me around alot, I know his cries and his moods and his routine and how he likes things, I dont see how it can be better for him to suddenly start having lots of time without me and with his daddy or granny or auntie instead.

Maybe I'm being selfish, and all Im thinking about is how much i'll miss him and not really about what this new situation means to my son at all.

I want to be reasonable, I dont want his daddy to be a stranger, but i want him with me as much as possible.

what does anyone see as reasonable access pattern to suggest to my ex? I just want something that will be best for the baby, but its hard to look at it subjectively and see what that is right now,

thanks for any advise and opinions,

[SuzyCreamcheese]

sorry to hear that.
I think its unreasonable for him to expect to have the baby for several nights at a time. The babys far too young and since youve been the primary care giver, if youre not there, the baby will be very distressed.
Its not in the babys best interests. Maybe when the child is a little older, say 10 mths or a year (maybe more) and then the baby stay overnight or for a couple of nights.

[nicebutdim23]

maybe when you get your own flat he could come round a couple of nites a week and do the bath/quality time thing and have the baby overnight on the weekends. it doesnt appear that your son would gain anything from being with your ex 50% of the time anyway if he is just being palmed off on his mum, it would probably just confuse him and unsettle him. it would probably be best to come to a compromise. if it ever got as far as a custody battle he would probably find that he would be granted access for a lot less time than you are currently offering.

you are the primary carer and its unreasonable of your ex to expect this to change IMO, i think 2-3 evenings of access at yours and overnight at weekends is more than reasonable - this can be adjusted as your son gets older and more independent of you.

[kate2419]

thanks for the replies, and i keep telling myself if it has to go to court i'd get custody and he wouldnt get as much access as he wants now, BUT, he got sole custody of his daughter, and she is like perfect and he so much more experienced and has a better income and house etc, so i wanna keep him sweet so he doesnt take it to court. I guess it'll all work out in the end though

[Crispy]

How about a main home where you & your son live & then the daddy comes round to spend time with his son there rather than picking him up & taking him elsewhere to stay.

[TheCure]

It must be hard for you to be separated from your baby for days at a time, likewise im sure that it is hard for him. Blokes feelings are often not properly considered in these cases. The few blokes who run away from their responsibilites give a bad rep to those who love their children every bit as the mother.

I dont have a child myself but have supported male friends through similar situations, both of these friends now share custody and financial responsibility of their children sucessfully, no legal hassle or CSA involved.

Its great that the both of you care so much for your child that you want to spend time with him. You both want whats best as far as your son is concerned so a compromise must be possible without fighting for custody through the legal system.

If you are not able to talk to each other yet can you not get a mutual friend to discuss things with the both of you, it cant be too hard, you both want the same thing which is the very best for your son.

[kate2419]

yeah I know its hard for him not to have him when Ive got him, as it is vise versa, and it is great he is a fab daddy, our little lad is always going to have two parents that love him and support him and are there for him, but he's always gonna spend his life split between two homes, which is never gonna be a good thing. Just hope he forgives us for not been together when he's bigger, and in time we can have an ok relationship so we can both be there at the key events in his life, his Christmas's, birthdays, parents evenings, school plays. It won't be as good as it would be if he had his family together, but I will do my best to make sure its a close as it can be, just miss him tons when he's not here

[Lickalotapuss]

This is a difficult situation which you need to talk to the ex and work something out.

I think its just as reasonable that the kid sets up his permanent home with his dad, just as much as setting up with you. You both have to work out whats best for the kid and neither of you can think of yourselves, its all got to do with the kid imo.

[FireFly85]

It is a really difficult situation to be in and I do feel bad for you that it has come to this *hugs*

From your original post it sounds like you dont work at the moment and that the father works full time, is this the case? If so in my view it would make more sense if your son lived with you full time, and then as someone else suggested his dad could come round some evenings for bathtimes and stuff and also see him at weekends. If your partner is at work all day then it doesn't really make sense for your son to live with him during the week, because as you said it means that the child just gets stuck with his nan and his father isn't even around to spend time with him, and at the moment I get the impression that you are the one that is around the most so it makes more sense this way.

I think you're right when you say it will be really unsettling for the child to have two different homes that he is being constantly carted in between, in the first few years of life children really need lots of routine and stability and to know what to expect, so in my view the best option would be for him to live with you and to have dad come round in the evenings and take him over weekends and stuff. But as you said yourself it really is something you'll need to sit down and discuss together, good luck :)

[Kazbo]

First off *hugs* and sorry been meaning to chat to you on msn just been busy with revision...promise I'll chat soon though.

At the moment I'd say your son is too young to be away from you any length of time. If ya ex wants to see him thats fair enough, but why does his mum have to look after him during the day when he's at work. Couldn't he come and pick him up again or just spend some time at yours with him like has been suggested in the evening. (Although thats probably the last thing you want right now)

but as you've said, it really is something you need tot alk about and make the best out of a bad situation between the two of you.

[SuzyCreamcheese]

I personally think that if hes saying he wants his son, and then gets his mum to look after him, then its more like he doesnt want you to have him, rather than he wants him himself.

[kate2419]

almost innocent, i dont work and he does, and I think hes been a dickhead saying I cant have him in the day just to try make things worse for me than they already are. But I dont want to tell him he cant have him for more than a night cos I really dont want him to take it to court, cos he is in such a better position than I am to bring up this baby, or atleast he is ffrom thye eyes of an outsider anyway. So im just trying to keep him sweet by obeying his wishes. Will be able to talk to him soon, just right now think I'll just end up bawling or screaming at him, or both, which would get me no where. thanks for your replies though everyone, and Kazbo hope the exam are going good,

[nicebutdim23]

what makes you think that?

[kate2419]

think what??

[SuzyCreamcheese]

I dont think they will think hes in a better position to bring up a child, if youre the one whos been looking after him so far. It would have to be something pretty darn bad to take a 4mth old tiny baby away from its mother tbh, they just dont do it (unless it was the dad who was the main carer and you had been the one working fulltime) You have been at home with the baby so you have that to your advantage.
Theyre just dont remove babies from theiir mothers unless they absolutely have to - certainly not because the dad has more money, so I really wouldnt panic about that. I think youve been more than fair by moving out of the house tbh,
The fact hes got more money, means more maintenance for the child, so get claiming.

[nicebutdim23]

i meant why do u think that your son would be better off with daddy from an outsiders p.o.v ?

Rainbow is right - its unlikely they would take your son away from you. they rarely do it even in neglect situations - and we know you aren't doing that.

[kate2419]

just cos he has a house, money, family support network, he has custody of his daughter, my son's half sister, and although I have looked after him the most over the last month, before then I had bad pnd and he did everything for him. Just cos Im his mum seems a pretty strange reason to give him to me

[SuzyCreamcheese]

its not a case of giving him to anyone.
They just wouldnt remove a tiny baby from its mother unless you were abusing it. You could still be breastfeeding him as far as they were concerned and theyd have to honour that. It is not in a babys best interests to be removed from its mother. I dont know why he got custody of his daughter, but that wont have any bearing on this case. Just because his ex lost custody, thats about HER. It doesnt mean that any woman who he has a child with in the future will have to hand the child over to him.
They will NOT give a 4 month old baby to a man who works full time and has just up and abandoned his family when there is a perfectly capable loving mother who has cared for him since day dot who wants to keep the child.

Have i said it enough times?

[BeckyBoo]

I cant see why there is a problem tbh. Here we have a guy who wants to see his child so why put things in his way.

People are talking about children needing stability, well yes I totally agree but if baby has got used to Daddy being around and then suddenly he aint around then thats not stability is it. Children do adapt so they soon get used to going to see Daddy on weekends or every other day and stay with Mammy the rest of the time.

Its been mentioned that the baby is too young to be away overnight, well why ? its the babies father, the baby knows him he knows his voice he knows Daddy so I disagree with that statement.

You see in some ways I feel sorry for Dad, he wants more access but Mum does not want him to have more, is that realy fair ? Would people be calling him all the bastards under the sun if he didnt give a shit about his baby ?

[kate2419]

In lots of ways I feel sorry for him too, I don't want to take his baby off him, especially not if it makes him feel as shit as I do right now when he's not around. And I dont think he is too young to stay with his daddy for a night, or even two nights or whatever. I dont doubt he will be getting fantastic care and love with his dad and with his nan.

The main issues I have is one, his refusal for me to have him in the day when he is only going to be at his Nan's. And the way he just rings up with his demands of when he wants to see him. If I try to say anything about it, he threatens me with court, which I really don't want.

All I want is to be is a good mummy, and for the best for my baby, but I do want him here with me.

I am going to call him in the morning, try and organise for us to talk about it all properly, and just hope he'll be reasonable and we can sort soething out which is best for our little man.

Thank you everyone

[BeckyBoo]

What about compromising about him going to his Nans. Did his Mother have him much when you were together ? maybe let her have him 1 day a week till his dad gets home from work and then let him stay overnight and you pick him up the following day.
Having a baby is bloody hard work so that one day would also give you a break to do what you want. As baby gets older he will also be more demanding and you could well be glad of a break as he gets a bit older.
I can see where you are coming from, I understand how you must be feeling but again I do also feel for the Dad here as well.

[nicebutdim23]

maybe it would be helpful to have some sort of mediator involved when you get together to discuss what will happen - someone neutral?

nan is important too,as is dad. i can understand where you are coming from it does seem funny that he would insist on access when he wouldnt be seeing his son much anyway but maybe you need to perhaps consider it from a different perspective, for example nan having your son for your ex would also give you a chance to do something for yourself , part time work or some sort of course or class?

[kate2419]

Well my little man is back home now, his nan rang and asked if I was doing anything cos he wasnt settling, so did I want to go round get him. I went over, hhad a really good chat with her, she is more like a mum than anything else to me. I was gonna talk to my ex tonight, but she asked if she could talk to him first, so I agreed. And if anyone can talk sense into him its his mum. Hopefully from here we'll be able to sort something out that really is best for our son, thanks everyone

[SuzyCreamcheese]

That sounds good Kate. Hope it all gets sorted in a way that youre all happy.
I still think hes a bit young to be away from his mum too much tbh. One night away is one thing, but several nights, thats in the dads best interests, not necessarily the babys.

[kate2419]

Well just had a call from his mum, who talked to him last night and he is insisting on 50/50 access.

Which, although it will be hard not having him here, I cant really complain at that been unfair, he should know the both of us equally, his daddy is fantastic with him, it doesnt mean Im happy at the thought of the time with him not here, but I guess it best for baby.

But, what I am gonna suggest is, I take him round to his grans on a friday lunch, so she gets to see him too, then he has him til saturday tea, i have him sat night n sunday, so we can do weekend stuff too, esp as i'll be working soon or back at uni so wont see him all day in the week.

then he has him one week night all night if he wants, and his gran can have him in the day for a bit if she wants, but I dont see the point in him having him more than one full night while I dont work and he does, esp as he's a rubbish sleeper and keeps me up half the night, no point him been up and then going to work like a zombie, but then if he wants to come round and see him on a night and bath him etc like has been suggested thats fine, or if he wants him round there for a bit or to take him out or whatever.

I do wanna end up been friends with him again, and hopefully a start will be us both spending time with our little man together will be a good start. Dont want him to grow up with a mum and dad that hate each other and slag each other off to him and use him to score points against each other and that.

Just want him to be reasonable and see that my suggestions are for the best, even if it means him having him for less nights at the moment. In the end I know we will both be happy if our baby is, which is the main thing.

Thanks again,

[nicebutdim23]

well done for sorting it amicably and behaving like adults. although i have to say ( and i do really accept i could be wrong as im not a mum yet, feel free to tell me to shut it) will it not be really unsettling at his age for him to go from home to home at his young age? my God daughter used to get really unsettled for a couple of days just visiting her dad for a night - she's two now and loves it, but i can't help wondering if he would find it unsettling.

then again i suppose babies cope alright going to nursery eventually once they have settled in, so i suppose its not mega different.

[kate2419]

hey im no expert, so aintin the position to tell people to shut up for having there opinions!! but he is used to going to his grans, and used to his dads house as thats where he's been up til last week, and used to both of them too. Im glad his gran rang to say he was missing me the other day though, and hope she'd do the same again. It aint ideal, but the way I see it, its gotta be best even though things have messed up between his dad n me, he can still have all his family around. Guess we'll see how it goes, and if he's not happy, we'll have a re think.

[nicebutdim23]

i really hope it all works out for you, good luck xx

[SuzyCreamcheese]

well glad youve sorted something out, but I still stand by the fact that arrangement may seem fairer for the two adults concerned, but living in two seperate houses, not knowing which one is his home sounds likea bit of a nightmare scenario for such a young baby.
Your kid though. you bring him up how you like obviously.
i wouldnt be saying this if it wasnt such a tiny baby. I think 50/50 would be more suitable for an older child.
good luck.

[kate2419]

I don't see how we win though. We are wrong if he doesnt get to see us both lots, we are wrong if he stays with both of us and gets time with us. I am trying my best to think of him, I really am, but it just seems like a lose lose situation.

[SuzyCreamcheese]

well I think ill butt out in a minute because its none of my business.
All im saying is that this is a very very young baby, and as a parent myself, know that a tiny babies needs are very different from the needs of a toddler, and a toddlers needs are very different from an 8 year olds etc etc.
In my opinion, you need to base your contact arrangements around what is appropriate for your child at all ages. The father must surely see this too.
I think while hes so young, it might be an idea for him to have the baby less, or for him to have him regularly, but certainly not to have the baby removed from you for days at a time. I also dont see how he`d manage that working full time.
Surely hed be better having him at weekends, thats only two nights.
anyway, enough from me. I know its a hard enough decsion already.

[kate2419]

i do appriciate your views and they are right, but daddy still wants baby lots, and i cant change his opinon

[Dianne1985]

my friend broke up with her sons dad when he was about 6 months old. WHat they do is take it in turns, every night. Sounds odd but it works. Mammy drops him at daddys at teatime, then dady brings him to mammy the next day(usually morning as daddy works but mummy goes parttime to college so 2 afternoons a week he also goes to nursery) then mammy has him overnight, takes him to daddys at teatime the next day and so on. Dont think it causes to many problems if you are consistent, the child doesnt seem to have any problems, hes only 20 months but he doesnt know any different so im sure hes happy! Which means you only ever miss himone night at a time and the bonus side means you get a night off for yourself every other night, meaning you can start planning nights out ahead and stuff. works for my mate anyway :)

[kate2419]

thanks for that, from talking to a few people in our situation over the weekend, I have come to see that everyone has a different way of doing things, and there is no right or wrong way, just a best way for each individual case. We wont know what will work best for us, until weve tried our new routine out for a while. All I don know is my little man is loved to bits by both of us, and ultimately, we both want to put him first and for him to be happy secure and loved and to know that he is loved by everyone in his family. If we can achieve that, we'll all be very happy,