Please help me, I'm scared

[cakes]

I'm a 27 year old girl, I haven't been depressed for about 3 years. I think I'm depressed again and I'm so scared. I'm ok sometimes, and I can hide it well, but lately I just wish I was dead.

How I feel right now I want to squash myself up into a little parcel and put myself in a little box and put it in the dark. I don't want to think about anything, I wish I could empty my mind. Every single little thing seems like the end of the world.

The only thing keeping me going is my little boy who is four. However bad I feel,thinking about him all alone makes me feel worse. I feel like such a terrible mum.

My boyfriend is a hell of a lot younger than me, I've tried to tell him how I feel, but I'm not sure he can cope with it.

I just need someone to talk to

[mystifymysoul]

To be honest, I'm not really sure what to say to you. However I feel obliged to reply for some reason. If you want someone to talk to you, you must have a friend/sister/brother/mother/aunt/colleague or your boyfriend to talk it over with. I'm sure your boyfriend wants to know whats wrong with you etc. He is probably concerned about you, I think you should explain your emotions to him, if you feel comfortable doing so. Also, maybe you could go and see the doctor?

[cakes]

Thank you for your reply, just that makes me feel better.

The only family I have are my mum and dad, they freaked when I was last depressed. I can't put that upon them again. They think illness is all in the head anyway, they are the type of people that never get sick.

No friends really, they all drifted when I had a kid.

The crap thing is, as I moved house my doctors surgery has kicked me out as i'm not in the catchment area and I really cried when I got the letter, and I know I just have to phone up somewhere new and get registered, but I loved going to the old place.

Last week was so bad, i had PMT as well, and it seemed to magnify my feelings. I ended up hurting myself by smashing my body up against the fridge freezer lots of times. ended up with concussion and lots of bruises. I regret what I did, but I could easily do that every day, the only thing stopping me is my boyfriend freaking out. He walked out as he thought I had lost my mind, I just wanted him to hold me. I don't know why he didn't understand.

I'm scared to go to the doctors as well, I used to be on prozac, but I was on it for years and I'm not sure it made all that much difference. I don't want to be dependent on something.

I know I'm not thinking straight so i really need some advice

[BumbleBee]

Thank you for your reply, just that makes me feel better.

The only family I have are my mum and dad, they freaked when I was last depressed. I can't put that upon them again. They think illness is all in the head anyway, they are the type of people that never get sick.

No friends really, they all drifted when I had a kid.

The crap thing is, as I moved house my doctors surgery has kicked me out as i'm not in the catchment area and I really cried when I got the letter, and I know I just have to phone up somewhere new and get registered, but I loved going to the old place.

Last week was so bad, i had PMT as well, and it seemed to magnify my feelings. I ended up hurting myself by smashing my body up against the fridge freezer lots of times. ended up with concussion and lots of bruises. I regret what I did, but I could easily do that every day, the only thing stopping me is my boyfriend freaking out. He walked out as he thought I had lost my mind, I just wanted him to hold me. I don't know why he didn't understand.

I'm scared to go to the doctors as well, I used to be on prozac, but I was on it for years and I'm not sure it made all that much difference. I don't want to be dependent on something.

I know I'm not thinking straight so i really need some advice

You're still registered with your old GP for 30 days after you receive the letter, so in the mean time make an appointment. Perhaps you could ask your neighbours or your current GP to recommend a new one within your area for you?

[cakes]

Ok, I will try them on Tuesday. I moved house about two years ago, but loved going there so never changed my address. I needed them to sort something else out for me and had to give them my real address. I don't want to join a new practice and cry all over the receptionist when they tell me I can't have an appointment till next week or something. I will try and get an appointment at the old place.

[malteser monkay]

You say your boyfriend walked out thinking you had gone nuts - how is he meant to understand? My ex boyfriend (although we were young at the time) found out I was depressed and had been cutting myself...and he just...went...odd...he backed off, he didn't understand because he didn't know what it felt like to want to do that to yourself - many people don't and I couldn't blame him for that. His only experience of it was a relative who was watching her parents split up and it tore her to pieces and he compared me to that - and told me I had nothing in comparrison, to be depressed about. He never got ill either, couldn't understand how I could reach such an extreme when he'd always known me to be so normal. So you cannot always expect your nearest to understand something so phychological if they've never reached a state of depression and would phsyically harm themselves to give it a release or express what it was doing to them inside- cause they've not experienced.

There are people out there who have and also people out there who can help you professionally. And it is simple enough to seek out those people - through finding a GP in your catchment area (cause you have to face the fact that your old GP can't acept people out of their catchment area) and going to them and seeking their advice and help. If you search the pages laid out in the sections on this site i.e. health and wellbeing - you will find numbers that will get you into contact with people who can help you. You need to help yourself.

Malt xxx

[cakes]

Thank you. Again, just a response helps.

Matt, my boyfriend is 17, and yes I really scared him. Last night we talked for the first time about this, he already suspected I was depressed, but he thought I needed a psychiatrist!! I explained to him all the stuff about depression being a chemical imbalance and me probably just needing some pills. He didn't like the sound of that, and today he acts all normal and I feel like I spillled my heart for nothing.

Unfair for me to judge him I know.


I'm just in a place of self loathing and worthlessness, and self doubt.


He pisses me off, but then I hate myself for being pissed off, then I think I'm mad for being pissed off and not knowing who is right.


Sorry if I'm rambling, but everything is so messed up for me right now.

[cakes]

Just wanted to say thanks for the replies - it helps

[BumbleBee]

Matt, my boyfriend is 17, and yes I really scared him.



I'm not surprised really, my brother is 17 and at 17 your boyfriend really is still only a child. I really feel for you, it must be so difficult to cope. You've come to the right place though, the people here are fantastic. (mostly)

[cakes]

Thank you x x x x

[malteser monkay]

You're doing good to just recognise you have a problem. He is only a young un, my ex was 16 at the time, we were both young uns but I relate in the way it makes you feel and the way it's hard to find someone around you who can understand or react in a way that makes you feel they genuinely want to help. And you needn't keep thanking us for replies :D . Your one of the genuine people who have come for help and you will NOT be crticised,judged or put down for this.

You may not need to see a phsychiatrist but there are a range of ways in which you can deal with depression. Yes, tabs have been known to aid the re-balancing of the chemical imbalance, but I think that maybe you might also need someone just to talk to - maybe a counsellor or a therapist of some variety. I never seeked help when I needed it most and I regret it because now I feel isolated - afraid I'll sink back to before and might sink lower then that and do something incredibly self-destructive and painful to those around me.

Even calling the samaritans and talking your mind, writing down your problems. I found great comfort through writing poetry and writing in my livejournal, as I'm too lazy to physically keep a diary of how I feel. Just expressing yourself, attempting to pinpoint exactly what makes you feel like shite, then taking those ideas and problems to someone who can help untangle them and set your life back on track.

Malt xx :)

[cakes]

Thank you so much, you will not know how much it means just to have someone reply.

I feel like I am two people, half me just wants to shake my head and get on with this and the other half want to run and hide and have a good cry.

I am so grateful to you x x x