Lu_C
18-03-2005, 10:05 PM
I have been looking all over the internet for god knows how long now and havn't found what I was looking for.
The thing is I feel really depressed as soon as I'm commited to doing something, having to get up the same time every day or every week... it kicks in not long after I've settled into a routine.
I get depressed anyway sometimes cos I have a lot on my plate at the moment, but every time I get a routine going (which also the psyc I saw told me to do to help me feeling better :rolleyes: ) I get this paniced feeling... my chest physically aches, my stomach tenses, I go from not being able to sleep and having disturbed nights to sleeping for 15 hours or more at a time without waking (and turning my alarm off in my sleep :banghead: ) I'll stop feeling like eating - and actually sometimes feel physically unable to swallow food, I sob for hours and want to be alone and my brain turns into a mess and I can't get words out right etc...
This had been happening for 3 years at school... somehow I managed to grit my teeth and get on with it for long enough amounts of time to get my GCSEs done even though I ended up having a month off where I just didn't leave the house at all.
Then I started college, was determind this was going to be better because I had more control over it, more free time and I'd had a long summer holiday. Three weeks into the course I felt just like I had before. I also started getting sever abdominal pains from my illness so I desided to quit for a year...
I worked at a charity shop every week volunteering, but after a few weeks of that I started feeling this dread a couple of days before I had to go and after a couple of months of trying to fight it I stopped going there.
Now I havn't been doing anything for a few weeks and my depression has reduced considerably, the really bad 'dips' are coming less often and last for less time, I feel more cheerful, more confident, can talk properly to people and don't get freaked out so easily about stupid things like catching buses. I even had a week last week where I felt energetic too for the first time in months.
But I know as soon as I go back to college or do whatever I deside to do I'm likely to slip back into this stupid trapped panicy hollow frightened fucked up mess again and it's bugging me.
I don't know of anyone who understands exactly how I feel and has had it themself... it feels so abnormal and it really fucks my life up because I feel incapable of doing anything worthwhile even though I'm bored out of my mind now.
I don't know what to do and I can't find any information out there to help me. :confused: Makes me think it isn't usual.
(whoa sorry that's so long... I get carried away :blush: )
The thing is I feel really depressed as soon as I'm commited to doing something, having to get up the same time every day or every week... it kicks in not long after I've settled into a routine.
I get depressed anyway sometimes cos I have a lot on my plate at the moment, but every time I get a routine going (which also the psyc I saw told me to do to help me feeling better :rolleyes: ) I get this paniced feeling... my chest physically aches, my stomach tenses, I go from not being able to sleep and having disturbed nights to sleeping for 15 hours or more at a time without waking (and turning my alarm off in my sleep :banghead: ) I'll stop feeling like eating - and actually sometimes feel physically unable to swallow food, I sob for hours and want to be alone and my brain turns into a mess and I can't get words out right etc...
This had been happening for 3 years at school... somehow I managed to grit my teeth and get on with it for long enough amounts of time to get my GCSEs done even though I ended up having a month off where I just didn't leave the house at all.
Then I started college, was determind this was going to be better because I had more control over it, more free time and I'd had a long summer holiday. Three weeks into the course I felt just like I had before. I also started getting sever abdominal pains from my illness so I desided to quit for a year...
I worked at a charity shop every week volunteering, but after a few weeks of that I started feeling this dread a couple of days before I had to go and after a couple of months of trying to fight it I stopped going there.
Now I havn't been doing anything for a few weeks and my depression has reduced considerably, the really bad 'dips' are coming less often and last for less time, I feel more cheerful, more confident, can talk properly to people and don't get freaked out so easily about stupid things like catching buses. I even had a week last week where I felt energetic too for the first time in months.
But I know as soon as I go back to college or do whatever I deside to do I'm likely to slip back into this stupid trapped panicy hollow frightened fucked up mess again and it's bugging me.
I don't know of anyone who understands exactly how I feel and has had it themself... it feels so abnormal and it really fucks my life up because I feel incapable of doing anything worthwhile even though I'm bored out of my mind now.
I don't know what to do and I can't find any information out there to help me. :confused: Makes me think it isn't usual.
(whoa sorry that's so long... I get carried away :blush: )