View Full Version : My inapropriate dad
Hi,
My dad is gay. I don't have a problem with that and I love him and everything...
My problem is he's inapropriate. My sister is scared of him ever meeting her boyfriends because he stares and flirts even to blantently obviously straight guys... you can sometimes see them looking freaked out or cringing. And his eye is ALWAYs wandering... if we're out he can't consentrate on a conversation if a good looking guy walks past. :impissed:
He also has pics of naked guys on his computer... it's like he's obsessed with being gay... everything he does has to be involving is sexuality somehow, all his friends are gay, he goes to gay pubs etc and if you suggest him doing anything where there would be no gay men around at all it seems to be as good as slapping him in the face. :confused:
He thinks he's about 18... he's really in his 50's and because he's always looked young for his age he prides himself on it but at the same time is shit scared of getting old because the men he goes for are in their 20s.
I'm not comfortable with that fact that he's going for people in the same age range as me and my sister... it isn't right and he acts as if it's really funny and comments on people as they walk past and stuff...
He also doesn't think people can tell he is gay and makes a huge fuss over coming out to people at work etc... he came out to me and my sister when I was 11 and she was 13 and my parents split up 4 years after that. He won't just be open about it to everyone, even though now he is single and his mum knows and he has a boss and another collegue who are also gay... I know what with being in the closet for 50 years you'd get weird about it when you eventually came out but it's getting rediculous now. It's like he needs it to be secret just so he can have something to worry about. :eek2:
Also you can't say anything about it to him cos he either gets really offended or very overly appologetic and then does nothing about it. But can't he see that it isn't exactly appropriate for a father to have naked pics of any kind on his computer that his family uses... he wouldn't act like this if he's straight I'm sure.
whoa sorry to rant to much but I'm getting really pissed off cos if it's not that it's his drinking and habbit of lying. :(
Zella
16-03-2005, 08:01 PM
It took your parents 4 years to split up after he came out??
mystifymysoul
16-03-2005, 08:07 PM
Hey...I'm not really sure what to say to this.
An ex-boyfriend of mine had a homosexual dad, who was particularly camp, and blatantly gay. If you have tried talking to him and it hasnt worked, then try again. Why don't you ask your sister to help you. Sit him down and tell him how its uncomfortable for you when you find all this porn etc. If he doesn't get the message, then I don't know how else you can approach the situation.
lol... no the sad truth is my mum knew before they got married but apparently they were still in love and both wanted kids etc etc :rolleyes:
A tricky one to get your head around but there you go.
They'd probably still be together if they hadn't started being unbearable in the same rooms as eachother!
Scary stuff.
But then I'd never have been here if they hadn't got together so for whatever weird reasons they had at least something good came of it :razz:
otter
16-03-2005, 08:55 PM
My sister is scared of him ever meeting her boyfriends because he stares and flirts even to blantently obviously straight guys... you can sometimes see them looking freaked out or cringing. And his eye is ALWAYs wandering... if we're out he can't consentrate on a conversation if a good looking guy walks past.
may be you need to have a chat with your dad about appropriate boundaries.I'm not comfortable with that fact that he's going for people in the same age range as me and my sister... it isn't right and he acts as if it's really funny and comments on people as they walk past and stuff.
please, try to talk to him - its quite likely he doesn't realize what he is doing offends you and your sister. and it sounds like he seems quite proud of being gay, do you think?
spongebobsgirl
17-03-2005, 06:43 PM
as for the photos, id tell him to remove them, keep them on a cd or disk or summat, or you'll delete them. it just isnt something you want to be looking at, and he should respect that. how would he feel if he found porn on the pc that u or ur sis had looked at?
SBG
morrocan roll
17-03-2005, 07:29 PM
you may love your old man but you need to tell him ...he's a plank.
piccolo
17-03-2005, 08:26 PM
It's like he needs it to be secret just so he can have something to worry about. :eek2: In your dad's defence, this struck a chord with me because sometimes even when you've started coming out and most people know it can be very hard to actually find the time and the words to say something and it's more stressful the later you leave it.
As for being obsessed with being gay, that's also a very easy to lapse into. Maybe you should just say that you'd like to take him to some places you like and make it a way of him getting to know you? Then maybe he'll realise that he doesn't have to restrict himself to gay bars!
Carolina
18-03-2005, 04:28 PM
To be honest it sounds more like mid-life crisis :) I don't say this in a sarky way but it sounds like he's realising he's not as young as he was but he's still attracted to the same people he was 10 years ago so while his minds not changed the rest of him has.
Just because he's gay he's still going to have the same emotional problems that maybe a housewife or husband would have. I know someone who split from his wife, went out bought the new merc, started wearing trendy clothes and trying to be very openly flirty to prove he could still do it. Different situation but could be similar. Maybe your dad's just trying very hard to show himself that he's still an attractive bloke and still young at heart.
Sounds more like he's trying to be your best mate instead of dad sometimes? Probably does it because he doesn't want to think he's a sad uncool dad.
I'd just try talking to him again.
Maybe a holiday in San Francisco might help him get it out of his system .. but then again he might enjoy the openess so much he might wanna stay
CheeseOnToast
19-03-2005, 02:58 PM
My mum is gay, I do have issues with it but I found out 10 years ago so things are pretty much good as it's gonna get.. fortunately she's reserved about it, not so she feels awkward but she's not a camp or butch type :)
I changed his background on his computer from a naked man to a pic of my sister and the cat :lol:
I heard him laughing when he noticed - but it remaind there untouched so I'm hoping he got the message.
I don't really want to have 'a talk' with him unless really nessassery. :chin:
BumbleBee
19-03-2005, 06:45 PM
He also has pics of naked guys on his computer... it's like he's obsessed with being gay... everything he does has to be involving is sexuality somehow, all his friends are gay, he goes to gay pubs etc and if you suggest him doing anything where there would be no gay men around at all it seems to be as good as slapping him in the face. :confused:
All my friends are straight, I go to straight clubs, I fancy men, I have pictures of men on my computer... one could almost say I'm obsessed with being straight! Do you see my point?
Spongebobsgirl - he is entitled to have pictures on his computer as he sees fit. It is his computer after all.
Lu_C, my advice would be to ask him to tone down his behaviour infront of your sister etc. Why not let him know that she has some reservations about his behaviour?
All my friends are straight, I go to straight clubs, I fancy men, I have pictures of men on my computer... one could almost say I'm obsessed with being straight! Do you see my point?
Spongebobsgirl - he is entitled to have pictures on his computer as he sees fit. It is his computer after all.
?
I completly see what you mean about the having straight friends thing ect... but it'd actually be a more fair comparison if you hung around only with people who you had the potential to date... he doesn't have mainly gay friends because he feels more comfortable with them, he doesn't have them so that he has more in commen with them, it is purely because it is a way of sussing out if they're fanciable or have any attractive friends. Well I may not be able to know this for sure, but as I've known him all my life I have a pretty good idea of what he's like/how he goes about things and that'd how I see it.
His only straight friend is my mum... he even went and married her! :lol:
And about the computer thing... it isn't just his computer... he does own it but me and my sister both use it too. As a father I think he should have more tact about what he puts at the background on the screen. It isn't about his personality or anything, it's about his role in the family. He just doesn't act like a dad... it isn't an appropriate situation to flaunt his sexuality.
I don't have a problem with him being gay, I want him to be happy. But he isn't anyway, and I think deep down he just does it for attention and feels ashamed of himself... he had a real hang up about being gay growing up, now all the family know and some of his collegues so it's as if he has to find something people will disapprove of because he can't deal with him being the only one who has an issue with him being gay. If that makes any sense at all. Which it probably doesn't, but I know what I mean :razz:
morrocan roll
19-03-2005, 07:51 PM
he's a plank who needs to grow up and have some respect for his kids/family.
ShyBoy
19-03-2005, 08:23 PM
Bumblebee - dad's just don't leave dirty magasines or porn on their computer lying around for their children to see. She's not protesting at him having it, merely the fact he doesn't try to hide it or anything. Straight or gay porn can cause offense and normally a dad would realise that and not let his kids see that.
morrocan roll
19-03-2005, 09:31 PM
Bumblebee - dad's just don't leave dirty magasines or porn on their computer lying around for their children to see. She's not protesting at him having it, merely the fact he doesn't try to hide it or anything. Straight or gay porn can cause offense and normally a dad would realise that and not let his kids see that.
exactly ...how can anyone have any kind of respect for this ape!
Bumblebee - dad's just don't leave dirty magasines or porn on their computer lying around for their children to see. She's not protesting at him having it, merely the fact he doesn't try to hide it or anything. Straight or gay porn can cause offense and normally a dad would realise that and not let his kids see that.
well said. Thanks
BumbleBee
19-03-2005, 11:00 PM
Bumblebee - dad's just don't leave dirty magasines or porn on their computer lying around for their children to see. She's not protesting at him having it, merely the fact he doesn't try to hide it or anything. Straight or gay porn can cause offense and normally a dad would realise that and not let his kids see that.
Sadly there are many dads who leave "porn" lying around for their kids to see. I bet The Sun adourns the coffee tables of millions of men whose children have easy access to Page 3.
how can anyone have any kind of respect for this ape!
That's rather harsh MR, just because he doesn't live his life according to your standards doesn't mean he doesn't deserve some respect! From what Lu_C has said in her follow up post this man is deeply traumatised. He seems to be searching for something but doesn't know what it is. He's obviously had a very strange life. He's gay, but was married and he has children. The obvious conflict there is enough to make him a little strange if you ask me. The very fact that by definition he doesn't live up to society's norms means that when he is faced with needing to be 'normal' where his kids are concerned he can't because he's confused about what 'normal' actually is.
I sympathise with Lu_C but also with her father. He doesn't seem, from what has been said, to have any definite sense of direction.
morrocan roll
20-03-2005, 12:14 AM
That's rather harsh MR, just because he doesn't live his life according to your standards doesn't mean he doesn't deserve some respect! .my standards!
the guy may deserve sympathy ...but he deserves no ones respect from what i can see.
he's a fucking grown man foir gods sake ...he should be dealing with this stuff away from hois kids.
he has no taste ...no sense of dignity ...little or no respect or awareness of how those close to him feel ...
HE needs help!
BumbleBee
20-03-2005, 10:16 AM
my standards!
the guy may deserve sympathy ...but he deserves no ones respect from what i can see.
he's a fucking grown man foir gods sake ...he should be dealing with this stuff away from hois kids.
he has no taste ...no sense of dignity ...little or no respect or awareness of how those close to him feel ...
HE needs help!
Why do I always get the sense you are shouting when you rant like this? Calm down. You're right, he does need help to deal with the issues. I can't see that he's done anything that would deny him respect to be honest.
That's rather harsh MR, just because he doesn't live his life according to your standards doesn't mean he doesn't deserve some respect! From what Lu_C has said in her follow up post this man is deeply traumatised. He seems to be searching for something but doesn't know what it is. He's obviously had a very strange life. He's gay, but was married and he has children. The obvious conflict there is enough to make him a little strange if you ask me. The very fact that by definition he doesn't live up to society's norms means that when he is faced with needing to be 'normal' where his kids are concerned he can't because he's confused about what 'normal' actually is.
I sympathise with Lu_C but also with her father. He doesn't seem, from what has been said, to have any definite sense of direction.
That's true. He has had a weird life and he does find things hard to cope with... but still it is hard to respect him as a dad sometimes.
Sometimes he's lovely and a nice person to be with, but I can't talk to him about things that matter to me because he's quite self centered and turns every situation round to himself, but he still refuses help even though he knows he has issues to deal with. I know it's hard to push yourself into things like that but after years of procrastinating you loose patience with him when he's down because whenever you offer him a solution he thinks about it and then just doesn't do it. :banghead:
you know something...
I can't find a single website which offers support to children of gay parents - unless it's from the USA...
Seems a little odd to me. It isn't that unusual... and you'd have thought as it can be a weird thing to come to terms with there'd be like message boards and stuff about it/ for it. Does anyone know of one? :confused:
morrocan roll
20-03-2005, 05:31 PM
Why do I always get the sense you are shouting when you rant like this? .
i have no idea!
ShyBoy
20-03-2005, 08:04 PM
you know something...
I can't find a single website which offers support to children of gay parents - unless it's from the USA...
Seems a little odd to me. It isn't that unusual... and you'd have thought as it can be a weird thing to come to terms with there'd be like message boards and stuff about it/ for it. Does anyone know of one? :confused:
I think because of the nation we live in, if you don't accept someones gay then you're homophobic. But I would actually define your dads behaviour as being a symptom of his confused sexuality and history, but you're not actually coping with him being gay, are you? You just want your dad to act like a dad and not a teenager.
I think at the very least he should respect what you have to say to him. Whether he acts is up to him, but he needs to listen. You're his kids, and even if you're grown up he still has a sense of responsibility. When you get married he's still going to be the same proud dad - and he's got to realise he's not one of the girls you hang aroudn with and spot nice guys with - he's still your dad.
How you get him to do this is the problem though.
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