hate my life

[hazell]

hi, ive just registered and am feeling really upset.im 22 and ive never had a girlfriend (ive only ever asked one girl out), any real friends, a proper job, am really shy (im even sweating as im writing this for heavens sake), hideously skinny, hate most of my family and feel like nothing is ever going to happen. ive cut myself a few times but i only feel calmer for a short while.

i know there are people in much worse situations than me on this site. ive never been abused or anything, and inspite, or because of this, i hate my life.

im doutful anyone will reply to this thread - i suppose i just want someone to tell me everythings gonna be alright, even though it wont make any difference.

thank you for reading this.

[Teh_Gerbil]

Hey... lack of self confidence? Sucks, no?

Well, what I can I say but the usuall? Meet some folks, go out and spend time with them. Try to meet someone who might seem themselves to be shy. You'll probably get on quite well.

Don't worry on the Girl front, your just looking in the wrong place probably. You'll find someone eventually, probably when you feel confident to chat to girls. Opening the converstation is always hardest, but it tends to flow after that. :thumb:

If you want something to happen, as hard as it is (I could do with following this advice, heh) You gotta make the effort to start that something happening. Start going out and meeting people, get going places with folks, become active on the social front. It'll all start to paly out soon enough.

If people worry about your looks that much, too, why the hell do you want to be around those people? Meet folks who like you for your character.

[Songbird]

Hey, I'm sorry for how you're feeling. If it's any comfort I'm feeling pretty much the same as well. I'll be 22 this Friday and have never really had a serious relationship, can never make new friends and am extremely shy. I know it sucks so much and I'm in the process of trying to find out what to do about it. I've just started counseling and while it's not an end to all thing it does help the pain inside a little just to talk to someone who won't judge you.

Chin up :)

[otter]

*hugs*
i know there are people in much worse situations than me on this site. ive never been abused or anything, and inspite, or because of this, i hate my life.
don't minimise your experiences or how you feel in the light of other peoples problems... it will only make you feel worse... your feelings are valid... whatever the cause of your problems.
you say that you "hate most of your family" - do you live with them? by most, do you mean that they are some people you get on okay with in your family? can you talk to any of them, or is that just not possible?

i suppose i just want someone to tell me everythings gonna be alright, even though it wont make any difference.
talk about how you feel as much or as little as you want to on here... but this is a website so people can do little more than just listen. have you tried talking to your gp or perhaps a counsellor about how you feel - because that might be a starting point to helping you feel better about yourself?!

[hazell]

i wish i could meet people but i dont drink or smoke or do drugs and absolutely loathe clubbing so as you can see, im really an attractive prospect.
ive tried doing all that at uni and the fact that everybody else was having such a great time just upset me further.

i know i wouldnt be able to handle a gp or someone right now because id freeze up and get nowhere. and i cant talk to my family cos the ones i care about will just tell me to grow up. i suppose thats why i posted here - i dont know who you guys are. i hate being fucking shy and just wish i could have a proper conversation with someone, but every time i try to i freeze up. i just dont know what to do.

[otter]

your gp will have heard problems like your's a hundred times over. if you can't speak... write it and hand it over.
if you feel like shit - you've got to help yourself, first and foremost.
and believe me, there are plenty of people out there who "dont drink or smoke or do drugs and absolutely loathe clubbing"
and may be at uni you wern't around the right people for you. what interests do you have?

[hazell]

writing - didnt think of that. at least itll be a start. but i know i still have to go out and meet people and just seems so difficult right now. if i go i'll probably just sit in the corner of a bar because i sweat and my mouth dries up when talking to people. i know i'll fuck things up.

i just cant comprehend how im ever gonna meet someone who'll understand and put her hand on me and smile just for me and that is the worst feeling in the world.

[otter]

but i know i still have to go out and meet people
:yes: - at some point you are going to have to if you want to feel less alone. and now, is probably as good a time as any, don't you think? - because you're obviously thinking of it... because you're talking about it.

if i go i'll probably just sit in the corner of a bar
well... that would be a start, wouldn't it?! ... after which you'll probably have a little more confidence... and can try again, and again, and again... and your confidence will grow each time... don't think about it - just do it! ... make it your priority for this week!
good luck. :)

[br_O_ken]

Hazell, I know how you feel to a certain extent. I'm nearly 18, not the same age, and i've never had a serious relationship. I find it hard to believe that anyone could pay any interest in me. I have very low self esteem and don't really think I have any friends who I can rely on or who would be there for me and I really don't get along with my family. I've started to slowly build up my confidence when talking to other girls but I get scared when talking to boys because all my past relationships with males haven't been very positive. I feel so alone and was talking about this to a friend earlier who's in the same boat. We both felt very isolated but when I read this post it made me realise that maybe more people are like this. I guess you need positive people around you who are able to bring you up with them. If you don't like clubbing that's fine. I don't particularly like it either, but what are your hobbies? I like poetry so i'm trying to go to open mic nights with a friend, i've been to one before and people were really friendly. Have a look around and see what interests you. I'm sure it'll work out soon, I guess it's easy for me to say that but hopefully it will, you just need to try and look forward and overcome this... Hope you're ok and don't ever think your problems don't mean as much as others ok! =) x

[TheUnknownSoldier]

Hi, Im sorry to hear ur feelin so low, I know what its like because I get like that from time to time. However unlikely it seems I believe that most if not all ppl go through stages like this where their esteem is very low and you lose all ur confidence. I understand that u may be worse than this so plz dont misinterpret the above as an attempt to say "ur ok get over it!" , im just trying to establish that many ppl get like this, even ppl u may see as being v popular, good looking etc. In the past Ive been complimented on my looks but when I felt low I felt like everything about me was wrong, how I looked, how I talked, everything. Essentialy what Im trying to say is that everyone has problems but if u focus on ur supposed short-comings others will too. I dont know u, but Ive found that many ppl in ur situation r too nice, or too emphatic (if thats how u spell it!) u care too much how other ppl c u and what u have to offer them in social situations, I know cuz I am like this myself sometimes. My advice is too focus more on what U want, what makes U happy and be more selfish! If u wanna be with someone, dont think "oh Im this, Im that" just think I wanna b with this person so Im gonna try and be around them, talk to them etc etc. If they aint interested theyll prob tell u, but dont be put off and for gods sake dont lose confidence! U prob imagine in ur hed the outcome of an attempted social interaction (sorry if this is wrong Im just using my past experience here) and put urself off before even trying, just think how u wud b if someone showed interest in u, even if they wernt too attractive or something, u wudnt tell them to piss off unless u were really cold hearted and most ppl arent!

In regard to ur sweating, mate I had exactly the same thing, my advice is to put this problem to bed once and for all by goin to www.odaban.com and gettin some of this amazing product, if u go to the excessive sweating thread on this forum ull see i cant say enuf about it! Hope it helps......

Also with clubbing and stuff that most ppl tend to do to get out and b with their friends, giv it another shot! I never used to like it too much even when all my friends went but eventually i just decided that I really wanted to be with my mates as much as possible so just went anyway and now I love it! Its Friday morning and I cant wait till tonight! Im gonna get mashed, go out and say some stupid comments and mess about with my friends, cudnt b any better!

Finally with girls, Im prob not the best one for advice for this but dont let it get u down! Not everyone is 100%sexually active at 15 running around having girlfriends left and right, as u start to get happier and more settled Im sure that ull find someone, but remember confidence is attractive, hell being over confident and cocky is prob better than doubting urself all the time. Just make a joke of it, as far as Im concerned Im always 100% correct about everything but only in a jokey way, its easier than doubting myself all the time!

Sorry for the long post! I hope some of this is helpful, Ill check back to see how ur doin! Im also sorry if Ive allocated u any traits u dont have.

[LadyJade]

TheUnknownSoldier, do you think you could try and not talk in txt speak please? I makes posts difficult to read... TheGood Manners Guide (http://vbulletin.thesite.org.uk/showthread.php?s=&threadid=26852) gives you all the reasons why we don't like it....

[hazell]

i know you guys are right meeting people and conversing with them because everyone does it. and youre right about imagining probable outcomes. ive only ever asked one girl out and i froze up, sweated, got a headrush and my mouth went dry. bet she found that irresistable. anyway she said 'no' and was so apathetic that it just feels like everyone else would be too. i know im not stupid and its really difficult to successfully define what i know ANF what i feel simultaneously. and i dont even know if that makes sense.

ive really tried being confident but to consistently do it is really difficult and i just wish there was some way i could. i know ultimately its up to me to improve my situation. it just so bloody hard.

[Teh_Gerbil]

Hmm, try to get to know a girl as a good freind, they can be invaluable sources of information on how to "get" a girl. Seriously, they are usually fairly helpful on the matter.

Some girls find a guy struggling reall cute too... :rolleyes:

Confidence is hard to get, I get you there. You've just got to take the risk, and don't take the rejection as the ultimate answer for every time. Everyone is different, and make sure that the girl you are asking is not just some randomer, make sure you think she quite likes you, and you get on fairly well.

[Kermit]

Never underestimate the effect of "small" things in early childhood- even things that you wouldn't think of can seriously hurt you in adult life. I always thought I had no reason to be so depressed I cut myself twice a day, but it turns out that lots of little things in early childhood have screwed me up a bit.

But anyway.

having no self-confidence is a self-perpetuating thing. You expect to be hated, to fuck it all up, so you don't dare do anything, and when you do dare you do it in such a terrified manner that you end up scaring the girl away. Desperation, which is what you sound, is the biggest girl-repellent there is.

You have to take it all in small steps. Go and talk to your doctor, try and see a counsellor. Talk to them, listen and learn with them. Take small steps. Get involved in social groups for hobbies you like, apply for jobs (employment is a great place to meet friends in a safeish environment), get out of the house. If you can do a crap job well you'll gain confidence, you'll be out of the house, and things will gradually improve from there. It did for me.

Few people are objectively ugly or useless. They just don't have any faith in their abilities, so they don't show people anything. People can't like you if they don't see you; the unfortunate thing is that you've learned that people can't hurt you if they don't see you. And that safety has a gigantic price tag attached, doesn't it?

If you can manage to show yourself to the world, and not get damaged, no matter how briefly you come out of your little bubble, then you will gain confidence; it'll be a slow process though. But for now you need to stop listening to the voices in your head: you aren't hated because nobody knows you. Nobody knows you because you won't let them. You aren't useless and pathetic and doomed to loneliness because of anyone else except you.

[icey]

now this might not be of much help but...

iceys top 5 tips for scoring friends and with the ladys: (please dont bite me)

1. Be yourself - dont try and pretend to be someone you're not, it will only come back to haunt you in the long run

2. Dont 'build up' conversations - as in dont think about what you're going to say and all the possible outcomes before you actually go and speak to someone. just let it flow naturally.

3. Have faith in yourself - dont just assume that nobody will wish to talk to you because you think you're boring/ugly/annoying or whatever.

4.Dont 'be stiff' (so to speak) - when asking a girl out dont be stiff and come out with 'will you go out with me' thats so primary school! Ask the lucky lady out for a drink or to a movie, that way even if nothing comes of it you've not recked your chances of friendship.

5. Dont play yourself down - if you acknowledge yourself to be boring/annoying etc to other people then that is how they will see you, if you acknowledge yourself to be an outgoing, friendly and confident person then that is also how they will see you.


Well i hope this has helped and if not then..erm..i've wasted my time

toodles

icey!

[spanner]

Just picking up what a few others have said... going and standing in a crowded bar alone probably isn't going to work wonders for your confiodence, instead, sit down and think about what interests you... anything... sport, cooking, the environment. Write down a list and then think about how you can get more involved in these things. If you join an evening class or a club or something, it's much more natural to meet people - and you'll already have something in common so you won't have to come out with some horrible chat-up line.

Take a look at these articles, they could come in handy:

Low self esteem (http://www.thesite.org/healthandwellbeing/mentalhealth/bodyimageandselfesteem/lowselfesteem)

Building self esteem (http://www.thesite.org/healthandwellbeing/mentalhealth/bodyimageandselfesteem/buildingselfesteem)

Assertiveness (http://www.thesite.org/healthandwellbeing/mentalhealth/bodyimageandselfesteem/assertiveness)

You could also think about doing some volunteering - it allows you to get involved and is a great way to boost your skills and confidence - check out this article for more:
volunteering links (http://www.thesite.org/workandstudy/gettingajob/volunteering/volunteeringlinks)

Hope this helps :)

[Scheherazade]

um, just a bit of a random idea here but why not try a karate class? Or some form of martial arts? Obviously i don't know if you're in a situation to go to a class like that but i know so many people who have gained all their confindence from classes. You wont have to speak to anyone, you can stay at the back and hide if you're worried about being watched and Martial Arts teachers deal with self esteem issues all the time. They're really really good at it too - they change lives. :yes:
It might sound like a strange thing to think of but i really do believe in it's self esteem building qualities. It'll only be the first couple of classes that would be socially hard to ajust to, after a while you'll realise that a lot of people in there will have been where you are now. And in the long run you're likely to build some muscle (you seem to specifically dislike your wieght).

And I think you *will* be alright :thumb: Because you're doing something about your situation. If you thought you were totally hopeless you would stay that way. Not that it's going to be easy or quick for you but I can't help thinking that being on here and facing some of your fears about people is a massive step in the right direction.

Good Luck :)

[cakes]

Things will go better for you, I promise. I was single for a long time. Some people had the frame of mind that if you don't look, you won't find. Some decided that love would find me when I wasn't looking.

A lot of people offer bad advice and cliches

Just trust in yourself, whatever you are into, whatever turns you on, you are not alone. Its not a case of whether you look or you don't, it's just a matter of time. Believe me. x x x

[malteser monkay]

Very nice cakes, and true :) The lovely lady makes a fair point.

It's a terribly difficult time and there are people you can talk to. You will feel a sense of pride if you see your problem and face it head on, actively search for help. I don't know if your employed but I was painfully shy and unhappy...then I got a job which exposed me to work colleagues and customers. People I work with have said "We really worried about you. You were painfully shy, we were worried something was really wrong or that you might stay here feeling unhappy" and now I'm open, less afraid of approaching new situations. One thing I found when I was depressed and cutting is that I was terrified of anything new. New faces, places, conversations, anything that broke my safety box that I loved to stay in, cut myself and hide away. You have to cut yourself out of your box, join a support group to talk about your problems, phone the samaritans or numbers provided on this site - these people are there to help you. They understand, they want to help you feel better - your GP wants to makes your life better, wants to help you - they don't look down on you, think your pathetic or worthless, they see when you approach them - that you want help and they will try and help if you take the first steps.

Malt xxx :) Bless you you poor cherub I know how it feels *humungous hugs*