How honest about my sexual past?

[Shad]

Thanks in advance for your advice, this is killing me.

To begin, I'm a 22yr old college senior who has had 6 sexual partners. I partied very hard in college my first 2 years when I had my first 5 partners, some were relationships some were casual sex with friends. After my 6th partner almost 1.5yrs ago I decided that I had had enough and would not have sex again until I got married. I got tested for STDs this past summer and am completely clean. In my mind getting my tests back clean allowed me to put my past to rest. I am not the person I was back then at all, I've really changed my life.

Now the tough part.

I'm heading into my 6th month dating a 19yr old sophomore in college who is a virgin. She is saving herself for marriage, and with luck that marriage will be to me. She knows I'm experienced, and she also knows I've been tested clean and haven't had sex since that 6th partner. But we've never talked about my history in detail and it became evident last night that she thinks that I've only been with 3 people.

She's never asked me so I haven't lied to her, but I feel bad knowing that she doesn't know the truth. On the other hand I feel like that's all in the past and that since I'm clean it has no bearing on our relationship because I'm a completely changed person. I'm also afraid that if I tell her she'll flip out because of her super religious conservatism and virgin till marriage ideals.

Should I tell her now? Should I wait and see if she ever finds out or asks me directly?

If I did wait could I argue that the length and strength of our relationship is proof that that past has nothing to do with who I am now, and that it shouldn't and doesn't matter?

Ladies, would that be an acceptable explanation?

I love her with all my heart, and want to marry her once she graduates, and I see this as our only potential stumbling block.

Please advise! Help me! Thank you!

[Skateside]

Given the situation, I don't think you need to tell her anything, unless she asks. I think "confessing" was a bit of a harsh word to use. She knosw you're experienced, the fact she seems to think you're less experienced than you are doesn't matter. If she asks you, tell her the truth, don't lie to her, but if she doesn't, I personally wouldn't bother bringing it up. Like you said, it's in the past :)

[Scarlet]

There's no point randomly bringing it up, otherwise she'll worry why you're doing it all of a sudden.

If you guys get into a conversation about it, then you should probably tell her the truth at that time.

But for the moment I wouldn't make a huge ordeal of telling her - the important thing is she knows you're not a virgin, and that you haven't got any STIs.

[Cuddilicious]

I don't think it's necessary that you tell her unless she asks you about it. What you done in your past should not make any difference to what you have with her now.

[mystifymysoul]

As previously stated, there is no point in raking up your past. She knows you are experienced, and if you havent actually "lied" about it, then its okay. If she ever asks, then tell her. Otherwise, just leave it. You are a changed person...

[stargalaxy]

Tell the truth. Tell also about how it is linked to the past.

[satehen]

You've had 6 sexual partners and your a bloke? If shes shocked by that, shes not very worldly! My bf has had 9 others before me, but hes only my 3rd cause all of mine were in long term relationships. I wasn't at all shocked when he told me and was relieved that he practised safe sex with everyone of them! If it comes up in conversation again casually mention it. Personally i don't think its a big deal, you've had your STD tests and have come up clean, whats the problem?

[nicebutdim23]

i personally would tell her, simply because its now a big deal to you.if she can deal with 3, she can deal with 6....if it bothers you enough to make a thread - meaning its really bothering you- then tell her. if you mean anything to her and emphasise it was the past (obviously) then she will probably register it,deal with it ,then forget about it. its no bearing on you as a person now, its better not to have secrets that may affect your future.

[marie]

I don't think she will see it as that important. If she's fine with the fact that you have had relationships before her, then what difference does it make if it was 3 or 6? Unless she asks you outright, I don't think it's a big deal. The only effect it could possibly have, in my opinion, is that the more partners she knows you've had, the more daunting it will be for her, as a virgin, to feel relaxed about making love to you. My first time was with a much older guy, who had been married, and had several girlfriends before that. It creates a kind of inequality, and unless your girlfirend is a very self-confident person, it is hard not to feel embarrassed about one's inexperience. Hopefully, after 6 partners, you have learned a few tricks that women like, but she will know none. Just be gentle. Don't make a big deal out of numbers.

[Mushy24]

I think you should tell her - if you think she wants to know. My bf and I did not bring up our #'s, as long as I know I'm the only one he is with NOW it doesn't really matter what he did in his past (I wasn't in his life then - it shouldn't really be my business as long as I know that he is clean (and he is) I don't really care). I think she will respect you for being honest (she might be upset at first) - but if you plan to marry her you don't want her to find out in the future - then she will feel like she was lied to. Probably bc she is a virgin - your sexual past might be more important to her than someone who isn't (maybe).

[Fallininlove]

ok u say that you love her with all of your heart ~ so why are you even thinking about not telling her the truth!!! ~ look im not tryin to sound like a bitch but ~ UR CRAZY IF U DONT TELL HER!!! ~ ok u say you have changed and she has to know that and everything but if u wait to tell her and she has to ask u straight out then shes gonna wanna know what else she has to ask u straight out to find the truth out and that will ruin the trust that she has with u ~ so heres what u should do ~ the next time u see her go upto her ~ hold her hands, or hold her or w/e u normally do (if u dont do anything really then just take her hand) and look her in the eye and say "baby (or whatever u call her) u know ive changed since i was in collage and stuff right? and u also know that i had sex a few times but u made it clear to me the other night that u think i was with 3 people, and i cant let u believe something thats not true. i was with 6 people when i was with collage. but like i said before ive changed and i had to tell you this so that there would never be any secrets between us. i love u and u know that and im sorry i didnt tell u this before now" ~ that sould do the trick and help u with this. and if she loves u then she will except that u have changed and she will trust u alot more

[Halloween]

God. Sorry to sound so anal, but its "college" not "collage"
and "u" isn't a word......... :banghead:


Annnyyywayyyy
I don't think it matters at all, I went a bit crazy when I was 17 and slept with 5 people-all casual type things and I didn't respect my body like I do now.
Now I'm with my missus though, it's completely different. I only asked him once how many girls he'd been with because he's 5 years older than me, and I was a bit cautious. He knows about mine, and it's never discussed. Why should it? It happened way before I met him...
he's the One that i want, a wop ba ba doo wap...

[Makoto]

What she doesn't know doesn't hurt her. If you feel as so you want to tell her then do, it's up to you.