God help me

[BarmyArmy]

I'm brand new on here so here goes. I've basically got so desperate for advice/help that I've registered for a messageboard such as this.

I'm 20 years old, I have so little confidence in myself that I can't do a lot of things. I can't ask girls out, I can't tell people how I really feel face to face (this is hard enough), I can't even speak to people I don't know on the phone. :banghead:

I've never asked a girl out and have never had any sort of girlfriend and can't honestly see how that will change. I'm a 20 year old virgin which is bad enough but to never have had a girlfriend at my age is beyond embarrassing and I find myself telling lies about the situation to my friends. :impissed:

I am absolutely crazy about one girl who is a good friend and I think about her almost all the time, she is the first person I think of when I wake up and the last before I eventually fall asleep but I know nothing will ever happen because I can't say much about my feelings etc. :nervous:

I am overweight (18st though I've been told I look a maximum of 15st) though I am seriously working on that with a diet and a fitness regime, I've lost nearly a stone since 04/01/2005. This doesn't help my confidence because I feel more than 18st all the time and have never been not overweight. This is hard to say, but fuck it, I'm saying it anyway, I have a very small penis which makes me feel totally worthless to the opposite sex and based on internet tests etc, I am suffering from depression but feel too embarrassed to go to the doctors about it. :crying:

I said when I was around 17, if I had still not had a girlfriend or had sex by the time I was 21 I would kill myself, I'm desperate not to get to that point. My sister is 4 years younger than me and she has done all these things and I hate her because of it, she constantly takes the piss out of me for it.

I am begging you, can someone offer me advice at all?

[Indrid Cold]

The one thing I can say is this: Don't feel so bad about the girlfriend thing. I know it seems to be only you, but it's not the end of the world. I'm pretty much the same way, and I've accepted that I might always be. Or not, it really doesn't matter. There's still plenty to do in life... :)
If you really think you're depressed, there are people here who will be able to help you more with going to the doctors, just wait until morning... Also there's quite a big thread in health about it.

[Kermit]

First of all, take a chill pill.

About your weight: girls love all shapes and sizes. I'm a big bloke (and no, I'm not saying how big) and I'm getting married in April. My housemate loves big men, and she's marrying a man who is very large. So being big has no impact on how attractive you are to the opposite sex.

What does have the impact is how you see yourself. Believe yourself to be ugly and people will pass you by, believe yourself to be good-looking and charming and brilliant in bed and people will see your confidence and be attracted to it. Confidence is far more important than being a stereotype of a "good-looking" person. If Brad Pitt thought himself ugly I doubt he'd get laid. So it goes.

That's the easy bit. The hard bit, of course, is learning how to gain your confidence. It takes time, for ages you have to act confident when you're not, you have to be a fraud (if you will) until your personality grows into the confidence. I can only presume that you've been bullied mercilessly for your weight, and for not having a girlfriend, etc etc. Perhaps you should consider speaking to a counsellor or therapist about this, to try and get over the feelings and realise that the opinions of a load of jizzmops at school count for shit.

Twenty isn't old to be a virgin, twenty isn't old to have never had a gf, never even kissed in fact. The belief is that everyone else is at it like particularly horny lapins, but they're not.

As to how to deal with this girl you like, how does she act around you? I would suggest that she likes you just because you are friends. Maybe she likes you sexually; more likely is that she's never considered you as a sexual being, for some reason it seems to happen like that with girls. Invite her somewhere just you two, and see how it goes. Don't lose something just because you're scared; you'll regret it for a long long time. I did. Even if she doesn't see you in a sexual way, it's not that you're ugly, it's that you're not her favourite hot beverage.

The key is to work out what it is that makes you feel so low, and try to work through those feelings with a counsellor or someone of such ilk. The person stopping you living life to the full is yourself, it's not that you're fat or ugly or stupid or not funny, it's that you have no faith in your own ability so all your wonderful qualities don't shine through.

Everyone has good qualities, but without the confidence to let them be seen by the world they count for nothing. You are stopping them being seen, and you need to work out why, and how you can change it. "I can't" isn't an option, for the simple fact that it means "I won't".

ETA: don't starve yourself either. Losing weight is no good if it knackers up your insides, and not eating does that. Don't try and get so obsessed by weight, try and eat healthily and look after your skin and insides. I've been there, done the vomiting my meals back up, and it's not what you'd call a fun place. And it's not worth it either.

[Zella]

i dont really know what to say here. Keep going with your diet becuase its not healthy to weigh that much. This may sound dumb, but in comparason to the rest of you your penis is going to look small. Once youve got down to a better weight then it will look more praportionate to the rest of you. Oh and its not the size that counts it what you do with it.

Your sister is being a bitch and probably doesnt realise that what she's saying is actually having an effect.

If you need some adivce you dont have to talk to someone on the phone (i assume you mean childline or the samartians) you could always email them.

I would really recomend you go to your dr. Dont just go in there saying that your depressed but say how your feeling. He might even be able to set you a better diet. My mum was given tablets to take half and hour before food to stop her eating so much.

Thats all I canthink of foe now. Good luck.

[Kermit]

Keep going with your diet becuase its not healthy to weigh that much.

I'd dispute that, and it's not a helpful comment.

I got down to a weight that could still only be technically described as "overweight", but I looked anorexic. Some people, trite as it sounds, simply are not small, and never will be.

[Zella]

Well he didnt say what type of diet he was on. Or what type of foods he used to eat. Or weather he used to do ANY excercise. So going on what I know. Unless he's 8ft tall and has muscles galour, 18st will never be a healthy weight.

Some times a change in shape can turn into confidence. I know it did with me. Though I wish I'd been more healthy with it.

And I did say he should go to the dr cos he might give him a better diet.

[nicebutdim23]

it really isnt such a big deal to be a virgin at 20,and im sure u dont have a small penis,its just ur so down on urself at the mo its something else that u can use to beat urself up with. if u are depressed , it doesnt matter what u do in the mean time ,u will never feel any better about urself.u need to deal with that first coz u wont find a gf all the time u hate urself.im sure u have loads of good qualities,u just cant recognise them til u deal with whats making u so down.
first things first, ask for help from gp.thats what they r there for

[Kermit]

Zella, that sounds fair enough really.

There's a lot of n00bs joining isn't there? It's a good job I have a very high typing speed, otherwise it'd look like I wrore loads :lol:

[creeees]

You sound a lot like me, I weigh about the same as you, I did once have a girlfriend, about five years ago, I don't consider my penis to be anything special, I find it difficult to interact with people full stop, but I don't let it get me down.

It's really difficult being this way, but killing yourself is not a good way to end it. And having a girlfriend is not the be all and end all of life, it's merely an aspect of life that will come to you when you least expect it.

Definitely continue exercising, it helps more than dieting does, not that you should stop eating healthily by any means. From what I gather the more developed your muscles, the higher your metabic rate will be, thus using using more energy and so on. I could be wrong though.

I think most important is your confidence, you have to stop thinking about your weight and your lack of female experience, it really isn't that much of a problem. Try doing things you enjoy, if you enjoy painting for example, put your thoughts and efforts into becoming a better painter, rather than worrying about things. Confidence will come with happiness/contentness.

Just be who you are rather than worrying who you are.

[Mist]

I'm 20 years old, I have so little confidence in myself that I can't do a lot of things. I can't ask girls out, I can't tell people how I really feel face to face (this is hard enough), I can't even speak to people I don't know on the phone. :banghead:

I've never asked a girl out and have never had any sort of girlfriend and can't honestly see how that will change. I'm a 20 year old virgin which is bad enough but to never have had a girlfriend at my age is beyond embarrassing and I find myself telling lies about the situation to my friends. :impissed:

I am absolutely crazy about one girl who is a good friend and I think about her almost all the time, she is the first person I think of when I wake up and the last before I eventually fall asleep but I know nothing will ever happen because I can't say much about my feelings etc. :nervous:



Try to take little steps towards your goals. Try talking to people on the phone maybe just to get information about a shop or something "when do you close today" does not take much and then it could get you used to talking.

At the moment it looks to me that your attitude towards women is being somewhat driven by your urge to loose your virginity. This could probably do with changing. Try to stop telling the lies and making up stories to cover your situation, it's not needed. You'll get further being honest and open with people.

I shouldn't worry about "asking a girl out" because that makes a big deal of a very small part of a proper relationship. Rarely do people ask someone out as you put it directly, except maybe in school written on a bit of paper passed round class. More likely is that you will develop a friendship that you find or that you already have into something more. You do not need to define a relationship before you can do this, you can just drift closer to someone.

For example if you're happy with the idea of your friend becomming your girlfriend then you don't need to say "i fancy you will you go out with me" you can just try things. When you're going somewhere together walk more cloesly than normal to her, hold her hand or put your arm around her or something and see how she reacts to it. You should be able to gether if she wants more or not from her reaction. Not pushing you away is a good sign.

My guess would be that any hang ups you have about your own self will gradually erode as you get more confidence with girls, and have sex. But it would probably help for you to conentrate on an area of yourself that you do find attractive and focus on that instead of on what you see as negative things. For example if you have good eyes or a good sense of humour then focus on those things.

And really, you don't need to worry about the size of your dick. Firslty because if you are bonding on an emotional level with someone then they won't be that bothered about how big your cock is, secondly because erect most men are a fairly average size, and thirdly because if you're basing your being small on heresay then, frankly, most blokes lie.

[Fish_food]

ok. stop worrying. So what your a virgin? you're still young and have the rest of your life to find a girl you love and what to have sex with.
why don't you try joining some social groups so you can bond with more people and become more socialble? this will boost your confidence around people and you'll get to make a load of new friends.

[groovechampion]

Keep up with the exercise, don't get complacent if you don't see results!

I used to be on the larger side but I motivated myself to train hard and eat healthily. Hardly an ounce of fat on me now!

You can do it too, you've just got to keep going even when it seems like its not working.

Dont bother with stupid complicated diets, just stick to a few simple rules.

1) Eat 4-5 small meals a day (each meal should be no bigger than two fists).
2) Minimize your sugar and calories. Look on labels and make sure things dont have sugar or "simple carbohydrates".
3)Do 45 minutes of low level exercise 6 days a week (don't push yourself to the absoloute max). Make sure you are sweating all over afterwards.

If you get bored of just running, cycling or rowing for 45 mins a day then try substituting 2 of the workouts for weight lifting. Itll increase your testosterone and you'll burn calories all day afterwards (higher metabolic rate).

Trust me, you can do it! Even small changes in your body will make you feel amazing when you see what you can achieve.

Feel free to PM :)

[BarmyArmy]

Can I first of all thank each and every one of you for replying to my call for help, I really, really appreciate it a hell of a lot.

I will be attempting to get down to the doctors to explain the situation to him and see what he has to say because I really do need the help.

I appreciate people saying you've got loads of time to do all these things but not only do I really want it as soon as possible for myself but when I look at my friends, most of which have long term girlfriends/boyfriends, it destroys me inside and I think to myself "It's about time I was in a relationship" but I then laugh it off and think, "yeah right, what a joke that is". This girl I am crazy about saw me out with another friend of mine (female) who is currently pregnant with my best mates baby and said "Who was that the other night with you? You going out with her?" and my answer was one of dejection, "Haha, who the frig would want to go out with me".

Incidentally, I have just found out that there is even less chance (if that was possible) she would even consider going out with me due to the fact she has fallen totally in love with a local bouncer.

The diet is still on, I do shit loads of exercise and that's something I've always done, just slightly increased it now. I go walking/running for 2 hours each morning which usually works out at about 4-5 miles a day. I also play a lot of football which I am quite good and I am constantly told that if I were fitter then I would be a very good player. I'm down to 17st 10lb now and I'm praying for this to work in order to look better (I've never been anything other than overweight so don't know what it's like to be slimmer) and I pray that the more this works, the more confidence I will get.

I'm not being stupid with my eating like not eating anything or eating so much that I throw up. I have simply cut down on food intake and each small meals with nothing in between. The only drinks I have are water and fresh orange juice.

My penis size is a huge worry for me. Magazine's etc say that size is not a big deal but at the moment, I couldn't satisy a fly so I'm hoping the doctor can help out in that department as well somehow (not sure how mind).

I'm generally ok when it comes to meeting friends etc, I just absolutely fall to pieces in front of the ladies and that has destroyed my confidence towards the opposite sex.

The person who guessed that I had been bullied because of my weight were spot on, I was subjected to awful verbal and sometimes physical abuse, not only from males but a lot of girls were the same (verbally anyway).

Like I said, thanks for the replies, though if anyone has any more advice, I'd gladly take it!

Hopefully things will get better, at the moment though, it seems an awful long way off, perhaps too long.

BA

[Mist]

Yes, you are at the start of a long journey but, considering what you are after, that is no real surprise.

It sounds like you want to change a lot of things about you, and generally doing such things does take time.

You will also find though that you will not be happy with changes that you make whilst you maintain a poor self image. Your line that "who would want to go out with me" sums up how you are feeling about yourself. You need to concentrate on changing that line in your head so that you can believe that people will want to go out with you. This is because, if you continue to hold the negative thought in your head, then you could change everything about you and still not be happy.

I'm fairly sure that if you go to the doc then he will tell you that your penis size is average. If it does happen to be on the small side then I believe that you can get enlargement surgery but this is an extreme option. I think it would also be expensive as it's highly unlikely to be an NHS procedure. Your best option in this case is simply to increase your positive feeling about yourself.

If you're doing a fair amount of exercise then you're doing the right thing with regards to your body. To be fair, you could just be a large bloke. Not everyone is small, and being small and skinny is not always the great thing that some larger people think it is. Again, the key thing is not what size you are but being happy with your size. Focus on the good things.

[nicebutdim23]

u will only ever appeal to girls when u are happy with urself, so obsessing about getting a gf will only be a case of running before you can walk, so to speak, and will make u feel worse.

im sure there is nothing your dr can do about ur penis size, mainly becoz im sure ur average anyway, but just in the grip of an obsession over it...if u dont believe us about this then at least understand that satisfying a woman in bed is very little about the penis. if u want to be good in bed and ready to satisfy a woman, there are many books on the subject from which u can learn at least the theory of - doing this will probably increase ur confidence that u can deal with a situation and are prepared should one arise.

any woman that cares for u, will not be bothered bout size.

it never ceases to amaze me how many men think penis = good sex ,and can quite happily and ignorantly go through life ignoring ur clitoris, and the fact that they can do so much wonderful stuff with tounge and hands!!!

[Fiend_85]

I'm sure you must have been told before, but if you haven't, text talk isn't welcome here, please stop.

[nicebutdim23]

I'm sure you must have been told before, but if you haven't, text talk isn't welcome here, please stop.

was that at me?

[Fiend_85]

yes. I know you don't use it a lot, but it will start to get irritating, and it's in the site good manners guide as well.

[groovechampion]

Sheesh! Fiend you remind me of a very pretentious and patronising girl I know.

[BarmyArmy]

Once again, I really appreciate the replies in the thread and thank you for even giving me the opportunity to put my feelings down on here without laughing.

This is getting unbearable at the moment. I'm continuously losing weight (down 2 stone 2lb's since Jan) but still feel horrible and worthless.

What is worse is that I've totally and utterly fallen in love with one of my best friends, the girl I was talking about in my original post to the point where it's making me feel sick thinking that I can never have her despite the fact she is now single again. Things are only going to get worse because she is moving house and will soon be living approximately a 1 minute walk away and while I want to see her more because I feel so much for her, that's going to make me feel worse that nothing will ever come of it.

BARMY ARMY

[Rainbow Phoenix]

Well done for the weight loss! shows you got willpower (more than I have ;) )

As for the girl, try not to think nothing will ever happen, you're mates with her so she must like your personality. Keep on being her friend and who knows

Phoenix

[Makoto]

I'm brand new on here so here goes. I've basically got so desperate for advice/help that I've registered for a messageboard such as this.

I'm 20 years old, I have so little confidence in myself that I can't do a lot of things. I can't ask girls out, I can't tell people how I really feel face to face (this is hard enough), I can't even speak to people I don't know on the phone. :banghead:

I've never asked a girl out and have never had any sort of girlfriend and can't honestly see how that will change. I'm a 20 year old virgin which is bad enough but to never have had a girlfriend at my age is beyond embarrassing and I find myself telling lies about the situation to my friends. :impissed:

I am absolutely crazy about one girl who is a good friend and I think about her almost all the time, she is the first person I think of when I wake up and the last before I eventually fall asleep but I know nothing will ever happen because I can't say much about my feelings etc. :nervous:

I am overweight (18st though I've been told I look a maximum of 15st) though I am seriously working on that with a diet and a fitness regime, I've lost nearly a stone since 04/01/2005. This doesn't help my confidence because I feel more than 18st all the time and have never been not overweight. This is hard to say, but fuck it, I'm saying it anyway, I have a very small penis which makes me feel totally worthless to the opposite sex and based on Internet tests etc, I am suffering from depression but feel too embarrassed to go to the doctors about it. :crying:

I said when I was around 17, if I had still not had a girlfriend or had sex by the time I was 21 I would kill myself, I'm desperate not to get to that point. My sister is 4 years younger than me and she has done all these things and I hate her because of it, she constantly takes the piss out of me for it.

I am begging you, can someone offer me advice at all?

First thing you can do is not to beat your self up, it will make you feel so much worse. The fact that you have a small fella shouldn't make any difference to you or any woman. If a woman has a problem with that then their not worth the time or effort, trust me.

It also doesn't matter so much about being a large size like you are, because there are actually woman out there who prefer blokes like you. I can go into town in the day or to a bar or a club and see good looking woman with blokes that I wouldn't of thought they would ever of looked at.. the reason why these blokes have woman like this is because they don't have low self esteem and have lots of confidence and are all round nice blokes.

If you like this girl that much, don't just jump right in there and tell her how you feel, ask her out for a drink or go to the pictures with her, make her realize that your a quality bloke, which you actually sound like apart from your minor problem, and slowly work on it from there. I always say this because it's true. There is no reason what so ever to hold back on telling someone how you feel, like the way you feel about this girl, because the worst possible thing she can say to you is that she justs wants to remain friends. No problem. A bit of a kick in the teeth but it's not a real biggie. If you don't ever ask her out or tell her how you feel at one time or another then you will only kick your self for it in the end.

Another thing is, is to never ever believe what you read on the net, because the Internet is jam packed full of, vein, big headed, ego tisctial, snobbish twats. Obviously not everyone is like that, but the majority are, and it's best to take what ever they say to you or what ever you read with a pinch of salt.

Also respect for loosing the weight and maybe have a little chat to your GP about things? And in my opinion, it's probably better to sort your head out before getting into a relationship with a any woman because it will only stress you out more.

ETA: If it makes any difference, I know a bloke who is about your size or possibly bigger and he has him self a nice 22 year old girlfriend, his about 30ish. So being a big lad doesn't mean you won't get a woman :).

[Serpent]

I have a few things to say.

Girls are weird creatures. They dont think like guys. One excellent thing about girls is they are less likely to be shallow. If she is a good person (and I certainly hope you're not being shallow and just going for the ass) I can almost gurantee she will look past any physical ugliness you think you have. I'm not a very attractive guy. But I had the most beautiful girlfriend ever. And its just like everyone says. Confidence.

Any girls at school who bullied you are a load of bitches. You deserve a better girl than that.

Let me inform you that young girls 'fall in love' with guys they dont know when they simply dont see anyone else available. I doubt a crush would stop her going out with you. Dont get false hope, she's more likely to say yes if the crush was on you, but not by much at all.

You're losing weight. That's really really good. Cool thing about this is, if she notices that you're losing weight, she's gonna be interested. This is how I see it at my school. Consider I'm a guy and am probably more into looks than personality. If I saw a very fat girl losing significant weight, I would be interested. I dont know why and it doesnt make sense. I guess logically people who are changing in appearance are interesting to watch and keep up with.

This is the most annoying thing to hear when you're in a situation like this. Oh, you need more confidence. Although it is true, let me actually give you some guidelines to gaining confidence.

- I'd say 50%-90% of confidence in any person is made up and doesnt actually exist. This means, everybody is taking a risk when they say something really confident. When you can see fake confidence in someone, its very easy to bring them down by over confidencing them. This is a very very cruel thing to do.

- If you dont have authority, get authority. For example. Telling your dog to do something wouldn't require alot of confidence. Because you know he's not going to disobey you, or embarass you with something he says. But that's cheating. Dogs are animals. Where, oh where, do you automatically have authority? Shops. They want your money. Private shops dont have proper etiquette set in place. But something like a supermarket does.

- I suggest you drive to a reasonably distant district and go to a local supermarket there. Once you come through the checkout, you show some authority and confidence on them. They are trained to listen to exactly what you want. They wont laugh, they wont backtalk, and they wont embarass you. If they do, you immediately say I want to speak to your manager, and storm off to a help desk. If you're not confident enough to get into a fight here, I'd just storm out of the store. That was showing confidence. You dont take shit from people. You've got to know where you stand in the heirachy of people. You're 20, you dont take shit from school students.

- Have your own opinion. And be prepared to argue it if someone disagrees. If people think you're stupid for having a different opinion, even if its against the entire group of people you're with, dont worry about it. That's simply them getting pissed off inside because you dont agree like you usually do. This will eventually stop. Standing up for yourself and your opinion shows alot of confidence. Think about it. If someone disagrees with you, have you ever thought oh, well I'm never talking to you again.

- Know when people are joking with you. If you immediately assume they're not joking, this can really hurt your confidence. Most people dont say negative things to eachother that much. Its usually just a load of jokes. If its a joke, laugh it off. This shows alot of confidence. "Yeah, haha. Shutup."

- Now confidence with girls is simple. Its a natural thing in society these days to assume girls and boys are different species and that you have to learn the 'language'. But implant this in your brain. It is infact easier to talk to a girl then another guy. What you've got to tell yourself is you're talking to another person, not, you're talking to a girl. I went through a stage where I didnt talk to girls. Once I got this straight in my head, I was wonders with them.

That's all I can think of for confidence. As for learning to talk to someone, I work for youthline in New Zealand (phone counselling). My name is Lindsay. You can request to talk to me if you want. The number is 0800 WHATSUP.

If I were you, I would get a part time job at a supermarket in the checkout department. Its a degrading job sometimes, but you really really learn how to talk to people. It built my confidence alot when I worked there. If you dont feel you could talk to that many people face to face, maybe consider telemarketing. Or something with customer service. You're probably at college and living at home or sharing a flat. I assume money isnt a real worry. So get into one of those jobs part time to help your confidence and talking skills. That's what I'd suggest. And dont think oh my god no, bad job. Bad job! Part time jobs are usually bad. And stupid.

And as for the sexual side to this, dont worry mate. Seriously. First of all, if you've never done it, its easy as fuck. How do you think 12 year old girls are getting pregnant. Second, a small penis is nothing to a girl. Really. Do you care how deep her vagina is? I certainly dont. You may say, but I care how big her chest is. But think about it. Penises arent there to look at are they. They're ugly long or short. It's what you do with it. You only need 2 inches to satisfy a girl, and with the lights off, she wouldnt even know how long it was.

Sorry for the long post, but I just felt like giving you some examples of things you could do for each of your problems. Hope I've helped.

[Makoto]

I think everyone has given some wicked advice, hope he makes some good use of it.

Some good things to think about from what Serpent has said. The supermarket thing is definitly a good idea. :)

Good luck to BarmyArmy. :D

[Serpent]

Mate let me tell you, I'm a counsellor and I get people with these problems all the time. If you can recognise the problem, you've started you're journey. If you've talked it over with someone, you're halfway there.

I can definitely see you're smart enough to overcome this stuff. I know you can do it. Good luck. :yes:

[BarmyArmy]

Thanks for the quick replies people, I really appreciate it.

"(and I certainly hope you're not being shallow and just going for the ass)" - Absolutely not, her looks were the thing that initially attracted me to her but it's the whole package with her in my eyes, she is fabulous to talk to, has a wonderful personality and is the best girl in the world to me. When other people talk to me about her, it's a mixed reaction when it comes to her looks with some people saying she is attractive while some say otherwise. I do feel I am way out of her league unfortunately. :crying:

As for the job thing, I currently have a job as a packer in a factory which is totally boring and the money isn't great for the hours I work. Not pleasant but it beats filling in application forms and being too scared to go for an interview. I managed to get the job I have thanks to a friend who is the manager there.

The advice given will be really helpful and I hope I can take advantage of it!

[Rainbow Phoenix]

try to believe in yourself more

talking about the job I see people on the course I run scared of interviews cos they are convinced they'll be knocked back so we bolster their confidence. Believe you can get a better job :)

Believe you're worthy of this girl - after all what makes you not worthy?

Hugs

Phoenix

[Makoto]

Thanks for the quick replies people, I really appreciate it.

"(and I certainly hope you're not being shallow and just going for the ass)" - Absolutely not, her looks were the thing that initially attracted me to her but it's the whole package with her in my eyes, she is fabulous to talk to, has a wonderful personality and is the best girl in the world to me. When other people talk to me about her, it's a mixed reaction when it comes to her looks with some people saying she is attractive while some say otherwise. I do feel I am way out of her league unfortunately. :crying:

As for the job thing, I currently have a job as a packer in a factory which is totally boring and the money isn't great for the hours I work. Not pleasant but it beats filling in application forms and being too scared to go for an interview. I managed to get the job I have thanks to a friend who is the manager there.

The advice given will be really helpful and I hope I can take advantage of it!

She's only out of your league if you let your self think like that. Like I said, I've seen blokes with woman that are fit, and I wouldn't of ever thought these chicks would go for blokes like them.

Try, you never know your luck.

[BarmyArmy]

With the help of an extremely good friend of mine who is extremely good friends with the girl in question, he is going to mention to her how I feel in a subtle way so let's hope it works. This is a fucking huge step (apologies for the French) for me and I'm hoping that the fear of talking to females is slowly but surely fading.

I owe you lot a huge amount for your help. You're all legends!

[Namaste]

I'd rather go out with a bigger bloke... To be honest nothing turns me off more than a bag of bones. Y'know, it's nice to have something to cuddle up to and when ya playfight it doesn't hurt as much because you're not wrestling a stick insect.

As for being a virgin... I'm a 21 year old virgin and proud of it. I don't abstain for religious reasons, yet simply for the fact that I haven't met the right guy yet... Also, I haven't had a serious relationship either.

NEVER believe somebody is out of your league, we're all equal and from the way you describe this woman, mentioning about her personality too and how you are shy to ask her out and stuff... Well it's nice to know that there are men out there who want more than a quick shag.

Why don't you invite her to the gym, or walking? Nothing beats the great outdoors and it's an opportunity for you to get fit and get to know her ;)

Stay in touch, it'll be nice to know how this turns out.

[hotblack]

When I was in high school I was real scrawny and my ears were sort of sticking out. Also I didn't know English all that well and I couldn't really defend myself from verbal insults. My confidence went down like a $20 whore. Then I got a bit smarter and a bit older.

I came to realize that everyone has a drawback. Before I was talking to people meekly even if they were friendly, but then I realised: What the hell was I talking to them meekly for? I imagined that those people had a terrible defect on their face and started acting accordingly, though not condecendinly, because people don't like that. Show respect for people when you talk to them, but don't talk to them as though they are superior either.

Another thing I noticed is that when I started attending karate classes and weight-lifting sessions my self-image improved. I noticed a lot of shy/quiet people attending classes. As my body shape started to improve people started behaving differently towards me. But don't do it for others. Workouts are a good habit to develop in your life. But to improve you will have to endure some "pain." I don't mean like breaking your arm, but telling yourself to get out of bed and go running every morning or getting a gym membership and getting seriously involved in that stuff. It really works. Just like every other body on this Earth yours has the capacity to become strong. Depending on your frame it might take different amounts of time to achieve visible results. My muscles, because I tend to be thin and tall and thin-boned, are long so it takes extra amount of work to put an additional thread of meat on me and my arms don't look as thick as other wide-boned guys' even though I can lift the same weights as they. If you're not very tall you might gain muscles much faster, but do expect a little pain. As one of you brits said in a movie: "a little pain never hurt anyone."

[BarmyArmy]

Thank you moonrat for the kind words. I have seen friends who are just after a quick shag and I've seen friends trully in love and in serious relationships and guess which are happier! I'll give you a clue, it isn't the first set. I am totally jealous of the people who are in serious relationships and are in love. I really want to be involved with this girl, certainly not after a quick fix if you will.

Your point about thinking I'm out of her league I can't agree with because at the moment I really believe she is far too good for me and could get any man she wanted, why the hell would that person be me? I would love every inch of her, in fact I do now but I don't think I would be able to satisfy her in certain ways. I just don't see her being able to go out and be proud that she was going out with me.

[Kermit]

If you set yourself up as being too inferior for her, then you will be.

Listen, seriously, there are very few people who are so indescribably ugly that nobody will ever fancy them. Hell, even Sarah Jessica Parker, one of the ugliest women to ahve ever graced the earth, gets laid.

You weight, honestly, is not an issue. Lots of women like big blokes, and even if the girl who you are madly in love with doesn't find you sexually attractive, it doesn't mean that you aren't.

What you mean in your last post is that YOU don't think that YOU are fit to be out in public: that's the crux of the whole matter. You don't have any faith in your own ability, and your own attractiveness, and that is the only thing that prevents you from finding love. It's also the hardest thing to change.

Seriously mate, you aren't so fat and disgusting as to be unfanciable. You are you, and that makes you inherently fanciable. You just have to see this, and you will do in time. I really hope things turn out for you, because you sound like I did when I was 17 and I was madly in love with someone who was "out of my league"; I didn't win her, but I'm madly in love with someone even more beautiful and wonderful and we're getting married and I'm as happy as anything.

If you want to PM me for a natter or whatever then feel free to, if you're as caring as you sound on here then you will find someone who is everything you dreamed of and more, even if it isn't this girl there will be plenty of others.

[TheCure]

All of the problems which you are having to overcome are the result of the pressure we all feel under to act or look how others expect us to be. The fact these things worry you shows that your a good bloke and not a cocksure prick like many folks out there.

Some times we all need to just think fook em and be how we wanna be although its easier said than done. It can spiral out of control as one self doubt can lead to another and then onto depression. Sometimes you need to stand back and look at what you have and see how you can sort it, then take positive action. I have friends who really have problems that could bring some people down yet still love life and have bagged themselves a fit partner.

I have a mate who is 21 stone, hes the funniest guy you could meet, likes his clothes and his clubbing, has bags of confidence and a stunning girlfriend.

I know another guy who has a small dick and loves to brag about it, has everyone in fits of laughter about it, even shows it off!! He has bagged more girls than you would ever believe.

These guys just don't care what people think and thats what actually seems to be what some girls find attractive.

Big respect to you for taking stock and working out a plan to get your life how you want it. Set a plan and build up your confidence a step at a time. If you have any set back just say fook em all and get back on with it. Take a bit of pride in anything you achieve however small. Good luck fella!

[Namaste]

Your point about thinking I'm out of her league I can't agree with because at the moment I really believe she is far too good for me and could get any man she wanted, why the hell would that person be me?
Why the hell not?

[snowman123]

Why the hell not?
Absolutely - there's been many a time when I've seen a gorgeous girl, and then seen her significant other and been surprised as I thought them unmatched. Whatever these guys looked like, or how they acted, was definitely what the girl wanted, even if I didn't think it obvious. "If she's going out with him, then she might have gone out with me" is the thought.

So I always think that there's (virtually) no-one out of my league. That mean I try more, act more, and go out on a limb more (and suffer more knock backs) but I don't think I'm any worse off.

I guess it's difficult sometimes to understand why people 'go' for people with different personalities, and physical attributes than we would ourselves. But they do fortunately else we'd all end up trying to look and act exactly the same. ;)

[Kermit]

If you don't ask you don't get.

And really cute girls rarely get asked, because most men are too scared to.

[iletuwin]

I understand your feelings and your concerns. I am much older than you and have had the same thoughts. My sisters are all married and children and grand children. I have 3 sisters. And I have always asked my self what is wrong with me. And why am I so shy. I'm in my 50's oh yes I better let you know I am a woman. I have dated a few times but it was always at a thing where the girl asked the guy. And the guy went out with me but never returned the asking me for a date. Yes like you I am a bit over weight. But so are my sisters. And I'm not a movie star type but nor are my sisters. About 2 years ago I got on Class mates and sent an email to a guy that was in my alumni. He wrote back. His wife of 25 years had passed away and he was still in love with her and just wanted to be friends. So I said that was fine. So we continue to write. Now its' been 2 and 1/2 years and he now calls me his sweet heart. And sends me hugs and kisses. And calls me on the week ends. Its funny. I think maybe he may be a bit shy also. As the first time he called we both just laughed for an hour. I don't know when will meet. If we ever will. I don't know I ahve sent him a picture of me. But still I have in the back of my head when he sees me he will not want this to go any further. I'm a respectable girl and I am a virign also like your self. But in writng all of this I'm letting you know that you are ok. Don't kill your self and if you need a freind I'm here for you. And I do understand you.

[BarmyArmy]

Unfortunately she is not after any sort of relationship at the moment she says. She's had a few problems with her ex in the last two weeks and is concentrating on work and the house she has bought.

She was extremely nice about it (as a few of you predicted she would be) and hasn't ruled it out in the future and for now we shall go on being extremely good friends though my feelings for her keep growing and growing making it harder and harder but nevermind.

I know I've done this a few times but can I please thank each and everyone of you who has helped me by replying to this thread. It means a huge amount to me that there are people I can actually communicate with when I'm feeling so down which is not an unusual feeling for me.

I do feel ever so slightly better about myself, not a great deal but, like my weight loss (2 and a half stone since 4th Jan), it's going in the right direction.

[Millsy_Magic]

Aww thats great! :D
Good Luck for future! :thumb:
Millsy_Magic

[Kermit]

Even a tiny step is a huge step sometimes. Keep up the good work.

I do still worry, however, that you are focusing on weight loss at the expense of a healthy nutritious diet. I lost a load of weight by becoming bulimic, and it sinmply isn't worth it.

[Girl_gunner]

I'm a fairly small person of small build and the guy I'm involved with is a big guy. Makes no difference whether he's big or not I like him for him.

[BarmyArmy]

Kermit, there have been occasions where I have gone days without eating on purpose, I have to admit. That said, 95% of the time, my diet is healthy. I have cereal for breakfast, a sandwich/nutri grain bar for dinner and usually chicken for tea and absolutely nothing in between, I have told friends (who are 100% behind me doing this) that they have the right to use physical force if they see me slipping. I only drink flavoured water, nothing else, certainly no Coke or anything. I might go out once a blue moon and get very drunk but I have to be ultra depressed (sooths pain) or over joyed (celebratory) to do that. A boxing day win over Darlington for example led to 18 pints down at the pub but then I'd not started the diet then.

This weight is coming off, it might not want to, I mean Christ! It's been there so long it's paying rent but believe me, it's coming off one way or another!

The hope is that when it does come off, I will feel a lot better about myself and that my confidence will suddenly appear from hiding and my life will start to improve slowly.

Thanks again!

[Kermit]

If you eat healthily then it's fine, but how much are you actually eating? The best way of losing weight is to not eat fatty or sugary foods, and to exercise: eating a nutrigrain for lunch is fatty, sugary and not healthy, and they're small so you aren't being filled. They're small and bad for you: eat fruit or salad instead, at least.

Plain water is better than flavoured, also.

[mystifymysoul]

You obviously have had alot of advice already, but I just thought I say somethings, although its probably already been stated.

Basically, I think that you need to learn to love yourself some more. Stop comparing yourself to others, so what if your sister has had more sexual experience that you!?! I doesn't matter. You are YOU, and all you can ever be is YOU. Its no big deal if your 18stone, I mean, sure some people might not like dating people with a fuller figure or whatever, but some people do like it! Anyone who judges a person solely on their appearance, and size, really isn't worth knowing. Forget about all those shallow people. Also, penis size doesn't matter too much, remember the good ol' saying-"Its quality not quantity". Its how well you use it that matters! About the girl- have u tried flirting with her a little? You never know, she COULD like you too, but be too shy to mention it. Or on the other hand, she might just consider you as a mate. But either way, at least you know a great girl! Hopefully if you surround yourself with friends it will enable you to build up your confidence. You have mentioned that you consider yourself to have a lot of faults, however I think you should focus on one or two, and take it a step at a time. Talk to a doctor, your friends, a relative. Whoever you feel comfortable with. Good luck. x

[BarmyArmy]

I feel like I've been stabbed in the stomach and dragged up a hill with the knife still there. I literally feel sick to the stomach.

My mate (who lost 7 stone in less than a year) has taken her after they bumped into each other in town for his birthday. So much for not wanting a relationship with anyone at the moment. Ah well, nevermind, can't believe I actually half expected to get somewhere with her, it was never going to fucking happen and my mate has taken full advantage of that. :crying: :crying: :crying:

He's boasting about it on MSN messenger to me and I'm powerless to say anything yet it's ripping me up inside. :mad: :mad: :mad:

My signature on here describes the exact way I feel, that's for sure.

Beyond gutted.

[The_Grapes_of_Sloth]

For what it's worth BarmyArmy, I know exactly how you feel.

I've been besotted with this girl for several months now and I'm pretty sure she fancies another guy...but it's not a question I can ask right now, particularly because I don't want to ruin our friendship.

However, at the moment I'm weighing up whether I'm actually strong enough to be friends with her if I have to keep going on like this. I get butterflies every time I think about her and have done for months. Once upon a time I thought that I'd wait forever for the chance that she'd change her mind, but now I'm thinking that's not a good idea and that at the end of the day I have to look out for myself now.

That's not very uplifting stuff really, but I'll tell you this: it will hurt for a while, but it won't hurt forever. You'll be okay and chances are eventually we'll both meet people who'll make us wonder what all the fuss over these two was about.

Take it easy mate.

[BarmyArmy]

God I hope you're right because I just can't take this. Part of me says "If she's happy, I'm happy for her" while another part says "If he doesn't treat her right I'll kill him" and another part says "God I hate him and I hope they split up."

Ah well, he put the effort in before me to lose weight and find happiness so I can't blame him really. I'll just have to eat even less now and lose more weight!

Gutted, destroyed, sick, hurting, angry, disappointed - pick one!

[The_Grapes_of_Sloth]

God I hope you're right because I just can't take this.

Trust me. I don't fall often, but when I do I fall hard. I've been here before.

Part of me says "If she's happy, I'm happy for her" while another part says "If he doesn't treat her right I'll kill him" and another part says "God I hate him and I hope they split up."

I've been over all that about a million times. Don't feel guilty about wishing they'd split up and all that jazz (if you do) - it's all natural.

Ah well, he put the effort in before me to lose weight and find happiness so I can't blame him really. I'll just have to eat even less now and lose more weight!

Did he know how you felt about her?

Gutted, destroyed, sick, hurting, angry, disappointed - pick one!

All of the above. Still, wrt your sig, if it can happen to that fella from The Killers, it can happen to anyone ;)

[Indrid Cold]

I'll just have to eat even less now and lose more weight!
Don't even think about that. This one person was obviously shallow and a liar, not worth it. Don't starve yourself only for some idiots who care more about what you look like than what you are like.

[BarmyArmy]

"Did he know how you felt about her?" - No, which makes me even more annoyed in a way because if it wasn't for me being so fucking shy, he probably would have as I wouldn't have had so many problems telling people!

Thanks for those words Zalbor but in my eyes she's 110% worth it and I don't see that changing.

:mad: :crying: :grump: :( :banghead:

[twinklestar]

Firstly dont eat less, it wont do you any good at all. If you dont eat enough your body stores what it can as fat or burns muscle to stay alive.

I bet you lots of girls would find you attractive but because you are shy and quiet they may think your unapproachable or not someone they want to chat to.

I think chunky men are so much more attractive than skinny men or men with too many muscles. My husband is large and its nice to cuddle up to him and I love making love with him.

Not every everyone likes the same men, the world would be very boring if we only found a certain type of person attractive.

Sometimes you will get knocked back thats life, just think if every woman you pass in the street approached you some you would find attractive some you wouldnt.

[Jon_UK]

Ok a lot of people have replied but i thought i'd throw my 2 pence in anyways on the off chance i have anything useful.

First off i'd be careful about making this girl the personification of your problems if you see what i mean (ie all the things that you don't like about yourself are why she isn't interested in you romantically) because i kind of get the feeling that you might be.

When your feeling down about yourself its very easy to place someone on a pedestal and imagine that they would make all your problems dissapear but it leads to obcession which is just painful (and believe me i can relate to you on that point). You wont be able to forget about her easily - it will take time but accepting that you have to try and forget about her is a big step. Try and spend less time with her and don't let yourself imagine 'what ifs' because that just makes it harder.

I know it seems hard that you've gone so long without much female contact but it really isn't the end of the world . . . getting a girlfriend/getting laid is not going to be anything other than a quick fix for your insecurity issues and in a lot of cases it can make things worse - i was a bit of a slow starter myself and when things started going right for me in that area i was having a few family problems and other stuff which just led to me being a bit of a slut and a dick head and made me hate myself much more than i did before that phase.
What i'm trying to say is that its better to get to the point of feeling good about yourself without depending on a girl for self esteem - for starters it will make you more attractive anyways and secondly it will save you from the massive downer that will occur if things go wrong with her.

Good luck mate, hope things work out for you - i'm sure they will - and really don't worry about being a virgin/not having had a girlfriend, i've known plenty of people that haven't until older than you. Just remember you're a nice fella (you've already had a ton of supportive responses on here so you can't be all bad ;) ) it will happen when it happens and it wont be long until your laughing at how much of a big deal you thought it was.

Jon

[Indrid Cold]

Don't even think about that. This one person was obviously shallow and a liar, not worth it. Don't starve yourself only for some idiots who care more about what you look like than what you are like.
Argh... Sorry, I was angry when I wrote this.
Truth is, if she lied it was because she didn't want to hurt your feelings. I think that was wrong, but you can't really blame her for that...

[BarmyArmy]

It's ok Zalbor, I can't blame her for anything at all.

:crying:

[Fallininlove]

ok well first off ~ the whole girlfriend thing ~ thats nothing to worry about ~ if a girl likes u its not gonna matter how big ur penis is or if your 18th or ne thing like that ~ shes gonna like u for u ~ with the girl u like ~ look shes ur friend shes not gonna hurt u ~ shes gonna tell u if she feels the same way ~ if u really cant just come out and tell her ~ write her a letter or an email ~ a hand written letter would be better ~ and tell her how u feel ~ nothing bad will happen i promise ~

[Kermit]

It shows that she cares that she did fudge the truth a bit.

But yes, you go and starve yourself. It is really t3h s3x0r and all the girls dig it.

[Wyetry]

I think that you should definatly look on the positive side - you've taken controll of your lifestyle and started to loose weight and you plucked up the courage to tell someone how you feel - which takes a lot of guts - the first time is always the hardest - you might not have the reply you wanted but just having done it should boost your confidence.

xxx

[nicebutdim23]

just wanted to say.... lose weight if you feel you need to, but dont starve yourself in order to do so. its not healthy and your metabolism will shut down. you still need to eat a certain amount in order to lose weight.

[PJ_]

It amazes me how much you sound like I used to feel. I'm 21 years old and have still never kissed a girl, although I currently have a girlfriend who I've met through the internet and we're planning to meet in person soon (and it doesn't matter to me if she looks different from her photo, I love her for who she is).

But anyway, I also made a vow to kill myself by the time I was 21, but I couldn't do it - first off I didn't know if I would actually die or just suffer a lot (broken bones etc) but still be alive, and second I didn't want to cause my family so much pain because I knew that, even though some of them are often horrible, they love me really, and third, I wanted to be able to help people, which might not be as easy if I'm dead.

But anyway, one thing that helped a lot was doing activities that gave me a lot of confidence. I joined Millennium Volunteers and went on a Conservation Holiday and it was awesome (the first holiday, the Personal Development one, wasn't so good though (except for the surfing), because of some people on it - but I decided to give the second one a go, and the people were really friendly and took me for who I was. I even managed to dance (badly!) in front of them, something I used to be shy about. I also got a lot of confidence from joining Fairbridge and eventually taking part in a theatre performance, and I am now at university on a performance-related course.

MY SUGGESTION is to do some things to build up your confidence (such as those I've mentioned, or/and other stuff like Martial Arts), then look for girls in the right places. You might really like the girl you've got your eye on, but if she shows she doesn't feel the same way, it will hurt a lot less if you're also thinking about other female possibilities (I'm speaking from experience). If you join a club because of the girls in it (like a cheerleading club for example - although that's not why I joined one), then be prepared to put in the effort and to say you like the idea of cheerleading, NOT "I'm just here for the girls". Once you've built up your confidence (or even before you've built it up), get to know 2-3 girls really well (I'm told relationships often form from friendships, and I think it's true), help them with things, and let them help you. Also let them get to know you really well (you don't have to mention your girlfriend problem, just make conversation and don't answer most questions with a simple "yes" or "no").

When I read your post, I wasn't sure if I had posted it until I looked at your nickname (I usually remember my nicknames, and yours doesn't sound familar), so I'm pretty sure I know what you're going through. At the very least, I can really relate to you.

I hope this helps. Feel free to add me to messenger with the following e-mail address (but don't include the space - I just put that in there because of spambots - computer programs that get e-mail addresses from websites and send loads of junk e-mail)...

memewowme @hotmail.com

A quick note for safety (to everyone): I mentioned my internet girlfriend, but please remember, there are other people out there besides paedophiles, and those people may hurt males, so please be careful (no giving out addresses, schools, where you work/hangout etc) if you talk to people over the internet - no matter how genuine they sound or how many pictures they send you - even if they go on webcam.