The jokes thread.

[kleefarr]

Post a few jokes once an a while and try to bring a smile to peoples faces. ;)

I'll start it off.....


A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th Drink Driving conviction.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes officer. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the boot.

Officer: There's a BODY in the BOOT?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called for armed backup.

The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the inspector approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Inspector: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Inspector: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card. The driver owned the car.

Inspector: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Inspector: Would you mind opening your boot? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem. Boot is opened; no body.

Inspector: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the boot.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying bast*rd told you I was speeding, too !!!

[kleefarr]

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl named Mary on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike" the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!" The cop looked the bike
over and handed the girl a $20 ticket for a safety violation.

The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the
back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got
there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa
the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top

[morrocan roll]

last year i was stopped for speeding on the wtrexham by pass.
the cop asked me why i was doing 93mph ...cos it won't do fucking 94 mph ...by the way that wasn't a joke that was real.

[Fiend_85]

still funny rolly.

[morrocan roll]

Originally posted by Fiend_85
still funny rolly. my missus didn't thinks so but ...he wasn't going to be letting me off was he ...

[kleefarr]

Remember the childrens TV programme 'Rainbow'? If you do, you'll remember this episode, although, if you were watching it at the time, it might have seemed innocent enough. Take another look.

http://rainbow.arch.scriptmania.com/rainbow_tv_episode.html

[kleefarr]

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee. On his first day,
he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone: "Get me a f***ing cup of coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded:
"You fool, you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"
"No," replied the trainee.
"It's the Managing Director of the company, idiot!"
The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are f***ing talking to, you idiot?"
"No!" replied the Managing Director indignantly.
"Good!" replied the trainee and put down the phone.

[Captain Slog]

Originally posted by kleefarr
Remember the childrens TV programme 'Rainbow'? If you do, you'll remember this episode, although, if you were watching it at the time, it might have seemed innocent enough. Take another look. ROTFLMAO

Two boys were talking on their first day in school. "My daddy's an accountant", said one. "What does your daddy do?"
"My daddy's a lawyer."
"Honest?"
"No, just the regular kind."

[Doofay]

I thought those jokes were quality KleeFarr :D

[kleefarr]

A lady in her late 40s went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift. The doctor told her of a new procedure called "The Knob." This knob is planted on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up the skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift forever. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Fifteen years later the woman went back to the surgeon. "All these years everything's been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob on lots of occasions and I've loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems. First of all, I've got these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She replied, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee."

[morrocan roll]

Originally posted by kleefarr
A lady in her late 40s went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift. The doctor told her of a new procedure called "The Knob." This knob is planted on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up the skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift forever. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Fifteen years later the woman went back to the surgeon. "All these years everything's been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob on lots of occasions and I've loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems. First of all, I've got these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She replied, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee." i love it!:lol:

[Fiend_85]

Originally posted by kleefarr
A lady in her late 40s went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift. The doctor told her of a new procedure called "The Knob." This knob is planted on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up the skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift forever. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Fifteen years later the woman went back to the surgeon. "All these years everything's been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob on lots of occasions and I've loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems. First of all, I've got these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She replied, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee."

:lol: score.

[relentless]

What do you call a wig on the floor?


Off its head.

[Indrid Cold]

A lawyer had just won a trial and returned home happy. As he was opening the door of his car, a truck ran by, hit the door and seperated it from the truck. Enraged, the lawyer picked up his mobile and called the police, and a few minutes later a policeman arrived.
"Look what they did to my car!" the lawyer said. "A brand new BMW! You must catch that guy! Arrest him! Torture him! Kill him, cut him in pieces! He must pay for what he did to my car!"
"You lawyers are so materialistic..." the policeman replied. "I can't believe that you care about your stupid car so much that you haven't even noticed that along with the door half of your arm is missing!"
Indeed, the lawyer looked at his arm and saw that it ended at the elbow and blood was dripping. So he said "DAMN IT! WHERE THE HELL IS MY ROLEX???"

[Namaste]

Originally posted by morrocan roll
last year i was stopped for speeding on the wtrexham by pass.
the cop asked me why i was doing 93mph ...cos it won't do fucking 94 mph ...by the way that wasn't a joke that was real.

:lol: Who hasn't been stopped on that bypass?

[kleefarr]

Mr Honda, of the Honda Motor Corporation, died and went to heaven for judgement. At the gates, St. Peter told Mr Honda, "since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Mr Honda thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God. I have a question for Him".
St. Peter took Mr Honda to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
He then asked God, "Aren't you the inventor of women?"
God Said, "Ah, yes. Indeed I am".
"Well," said Mr Honda, "Professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your design."
1- There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2- It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3- Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4- The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5- Plus the monthly down time and aggravation are outrageous, and don't even get me started talking about the maintenance costs.
"Hmmmm, you do raise some good points" replied God, "Lets have a little look."
God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few things and waited for the results. After a moment God said, "Well, it may be true that my invention seems to be flawed, but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.."

[Namaste]

Q. How do you get a leper out of a bath?
A. With a shovel.

[Namaste]

Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A. Ask your mother.

[Indrid Cold]

-Why can't little Anna and little Johnny play together?
-There are seven graves between them.

[Reese_86]

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked outside and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I punch you in the nose and note how long it takes you to recover, then you punch me in the nose and note how long it takes for me to recover, whomever recovers quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman held the heaviest object he could find, took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and punched him as hard as he could in the nose. The Englishman fell to the ground and was howling in agony and holding his nose for thirty minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to punch you."

The Scotsman said, "Keep the lousy egg."

[Miguel Sanchez]

Originally posted by Reese_86
There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked outside and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I punch you in the nose and note how long it takes you to recover, then you punch me in the nose and note how long it takes for me to recover, whomever recovers quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman held the heaviest object he could find, took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and punched him as hard as he could in the nose. The Englishman fell to the ground and was howling in agony and holding his nose for thirty minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to punch you."

The Scotsman said, "Keep the lousy egg."

:lol: JOKE OF THE YEAR :p

[Reese_86]

Two Scots, father and son, go to America.
- Daddy, when we'll arrive?
- Shut up and swim.

[Miguel Sanchez]

Originally posted by Reese_86
Two Scots, father and son, go to America.
- Daddy, when we'll arrive?
- Shut up and swim.


NOT SO FUNNY:mad:

[Reese_86]

Originally posted by rossco
NOT SO FUNNY:mad:

THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU SAID WHEN I FIRST TOLD YOU THE JOKE!

YOU SAID IT WAS "CLASS" AND YOU WENT "LMAO" "ROFL" ETC.

[Miguel Sanchez]

Originally posted by Reese_86
THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU SAID WHEN I FIRST TOLD YOU THE JOKE!

YOU SAID IT WAS "CLASS" AND YOU WENT "LMAO" "ROFL" ETC.


NO I NEVER YOU LIE

WHORE

BOTCHI

[Reese_86]

Originally posted by rossco

BOTCHI

OMG! YOU CUNT!

WHY ARE YOU STEALING MY WORD?!??!!?

[Tullia]

a suicidal elderly woman asked her doctor where the heart is located. "right under your left breast", the doctor answered. later on that night it was reported that an elderly woman was rushed to the hospital after shooting herself in the knee.

[Miguel Sanchez]

Originally posted by Reese_86
OMG! YOU CUNT!

WHY ARE YOU STEALING MY WORD?!??!!?


WHAT A FOUL MOUTH YOU HAVE

FUCK SAKE

MY WORD NOW NOOB

[Reese_86]

Originally posted by rossco
WHAT A FOUL MOUTH YOU HAVE

FUCK SAKE

MY WORD NOW NOOB

:mad:

douchebag....

[Miguel Sanchez]

Originally posted by Reese_86
:mad:

douchebag....


FUCKNUGGET:p

[Lickalotapuss]

Q. Why are Chavs like slinkies?
A. They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs.

Q. What's the first question at a Chav quiz night?
A. "What you lookin' at?"

Q. What do you call a fat prostitute in space
A. A meaty-whore

[Olive]

what do you call a chav in a box?

- innit.

what do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?

- sorted.

what do you call a chav in a locked filing cabinet?

- safe.

[Miguel Sanchez]

Originally posted by kaffrin
what do you call a chav in a box?

- innit.

what do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?

- sorted.

what do you call a chav in a locked filing cabinet?

- safe.


hehe i like em :thumb:

[Indrid Cold]

Originally posted by Reese_86
[...]The Scotsman said, "Keep the lousy egg."
I'm not sure I get it... Is it that the Scotchman thought the other guy would hurt him even more?

[Indrid Cold]

A married woman and her lover were in bed when suddenly they heard keys at the front door, her husband coming early from work. "I'll hide in the closet!" said the lover. "No, he'll open it fo put his coat in!" "Under the bed?" "He always puts his shoes there and looks!" "At the balcony!" "Are you crazy? It's freezing outside! Wait, I have an idea..."
So she told him to go to the living room and stand still, pretending to be a statue. The husband opened the door then. "Hi, honey... wait, what's that?" "Oh, that's the statue I bought today... Our neighbor got one too the other week. Isn't it amazing? So lifelike..." He just glanced at the "statue" for a moment and said "It's nice..."
The rest of the day went as normal, and the guy tried to remain as still as he could. At night, the couple went to bed. About an hour later, the husband went to the kitchen, made a sandwich and took it to the living room with a can of beer.
He stood in front of the "statue" and offered the sandwich and beer. "Take it, I'm sure you're hunry..." The other guy stood still. "Just take it, okay? I don't mind." Still not moving. "Listen, I was at the neigbor's house pretending to be a statue for the whole weekend and they didn't even give me a glass of water!"

[kleefarr]

Originally posted by Zalbor
I'm not sure I get it... Is it that the Scotchman thought the other guy would hurt him even more?

I think it was more like... the Scotsman just want to punch the Englishman. :) And who would want to let someone hit them as hard as possible just to get an egg. :lol:

[Indrid Cold]

Originally posted by kleefarr
I think it was more like... the Scotsman just want to punch the Englishman. :) And who would want to let someone hit them as hard as possible just to get an egg. :lol:
Oh. "Ha".

[kleefarr]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,
"I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says,
"Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun
needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says:
"Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise
control."

As the officer writes Out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife
and growls,
"Can't you Please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says,
"You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar
detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched
teeth,
"Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says,
"And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an
automatic $75 fine."

The driver says,

"Yeah, well, you see officer; I had it on, but took it off when you
pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says,
"Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on.
You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver
turns to his wife and barks,

"WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks,
"Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"




" Only when he's been drinking."

[MrG]

What happens if a polar bear sits on an ice-cube for too long?

He gets polaroids

[chaos_insomniac]

What happens if a polar bear sits on an ice-cube for too long?

He gets polaroids


Baaad Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad joke :no: :p

[MrG]

im a bad bad boy

[Indrid Cold]

You probably won't completely understand the ending of this, but the rest is still very funny IMO.

Autumn, first day in school for the students of the American College. The teacher presents to the American kids a new classmate, the Japanese Shakiro Suzuki (son of the president of Sony) and the day begins with some history questions.

"So let's see, how good are you on American history?" says the teacher. "Who said 'Give me freedom or give me death'?" Some students mutter words, but no one raises his hand, except the newcomer: "Patrick Henry, in 1775, at Philadelphia" he answers. "Excellent, Suzuki. And who said 'Government of the people, from the people, to the people'?" the teacher asks the classroom once more. "Abraham Lincoln, in 1863 at Gettysburg" Suzuki answes again. The teacher looks angrily at the students and says "You should be ashamed! Suzuki is Japanese and he knows American history better than you!"

The silence in the classroom is broken by a voice from the back seats: "Go fuck off, all of you Japanese idiots!" "Who said that???" the teacher asks angrily. Suzuki raises his hand and without waiting says "General McArthur, in 1942, at the canal of Panama and Lee Iakoka, in 1982 at the general meeting of General Motors." The class is filled with silence.

"I'm gonna throw up", a faint voice sounds. "Who said that???" the teacher asks with the same angry look. And Suzuki speaks once more: "President George Bush the first, to the Prime Minister Tanaka during a formal dinner at Tokyo in 1991." A student stands up and shouts: "Why don't you suck my dick?" And Suzuki, calmly: "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, in 1997, in the White House." A couple of students say "Fuck off, you ****** Suzuki!" The Japanese student remains calm: "Valentino Rossi, international bike racing league, race of South Africa, in 2002."

All hell has broken loose in the classroom, the studends are screaming and throwing chairs around, the teacher has fainted and lies on the floor and suddenly the door opens and the school's headmaster enters: "In the name of Virgin Mary, I've never before seen such a mess in my life!" And the voice of Suzuki sounds again: "Prime Minister of Greece, Costas Karamanlis, in 2004, at the first council of ministers of his government!"

[nicebutdim23]

being thick but what is a chav? :confused:

[Hellfire]

being thick but what is a chav? :confused:

www.chavscum.com - they're chavs,

horrible things..

[not_an_angel]

and do they have culture (http://www.chavscum.com/culturecontent.html#mobiles)????????? :crazyeyes

[kleefarr]

Letters to the editor…

Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris
patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on Abu Hamsa?
Les Barnsley, Barnsley

'One pound a week will supply water for an entire village in
Tanzania', says Oxfam. So how come United Utilities charge me twenty
pounds a month for my three bedroom semi? The fleecing b * stards.
Tracey Cusick, Cumbria

How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his
multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used
it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once
again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor.
Reg Ashcroft, Bradford

So HMV consider Andy Williams and Dean Martin to be "easy listening"
do they?
Try telling that to my mate Andy. He's been deaf for 20 years. Tim

They say "you can't judge a book by its cover". What nonsense. The
last edition of High School Anal that I bought featured a young lady
stuffing a big one up her bomb-bay on the front page, and this
turned out to be an excellent indication of the contents.
Mark Roberts

According to Nietzsche, 'That which does not kill me makes me
stronger'. I'm sure my grandad would not agree. He suffered a series
of massive strokes in the early '90s which have left him an
incontinent vegetable for the past 12 years.
A Thorne, Sandbach

It's uncanny how some of these old sayings are true.
'Absence makes the heart grow fonder', said my wife
as she waved goodbye to me on the way to
spend a month with her mother. Since then I have grown quite fond of
my next door neighbour. I actually gave her one on the living room
carpet this morning.
Christopher Hampshire, Bristol

The recent suicide of Harold Shipman has thrown up some interesting
questions. For a start, does Shipman killing himself take his official tally up
to 216, or does it count as an own goal? Where does this final score
place our national champ in the world league table?
Magnus, Sheffield

I was shocked to hear Home Secretary David Blunkett say that
Britain's prison population has been ballooning for the past ten
years. My God, has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be
punished, not to be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that
most law abiding citizens can only dream of.
Mrs Close, Headingley

The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in
Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it
just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't
told the poor sods?
John Campbell, e-mail

Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey.
What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering
on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once.
Genius.
Mike Woods, e-mail

With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces
soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers
include a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the
tw *at quickly enough the last time he played hide and seek with them.
Shuggie, Email

It's all very well Meg Ryan getting her kit off for her new film,
but why wasn't she doing it twenty years ago before her puppies hit
the pan?
Alan Pick, Kingston-upon-Toast

I would like to thank Darren of Chelsea for not coming to Australia
with Jenny. She is a great sh * g. Thanks again.
Baz, Bondi

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection
with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo
Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account
their splendid sense of humour.
Chris Scaife, Jesmond

Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's
Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits
climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they
should get some faster cars.
T Barnham, London

[Indrid Cold]

An old doctor was thrilled at using a coputer to keep his patient's files for the first time, and was looking forward to his first patient on that day. A woman named Maria Chester came and asked him to do a general check-up. He did and told her the results would be ready in a few days, so Maria left. The next day, another patient by the name Maria Chester came for the same reason, so he did all kinds of tests on her too.
About a week later a man came to his office and said he was coming on behalf of his wife, Maria Chester, to get her test results. The doctor checked his computer and realized that he didn't remember with Maria was which, so he looked at both files. One showed a very weak heart while the other one's blood tests showed she had AIDS.
So, the doctor told the guy "When you get home, ask your wife to run around the square 4 times. If she comes back, don't screw her!"

[Namaste]

A Welshman, a sheep and a dog were the only survivors of a terrible shipwreck in the Pacific. They found themselves stranded on a beautiful desert island. After being there for a while, they got into the habit of going down to the beach to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a deep red with lovely cirrus cloud formations, and with the breeze being warm and gentle it was a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep looked more and more attractive to the Welshman. Soon, he leaned over and put his arm around the sheep.

The dog however grew jealous and growled his displeasure, so the Welshman took his arm away, and they carried on admiring the sunset.

A few weeks passed by, and lo, there was another shipwreck. This time, only a woman survived the disaster. Soon she became accustomed to the evening sunset ritual, and joined them on another particularly pleasant night. Pretty soon, the Welshman got ‘those feelings’ again. This time he cautiously leaned over to the woman and said, “Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?”

[chaos_insomniac]

A Welshman, a sheep and a dog were the only survivors of a terrible shipwreck in the Pacific. They found themselves stranded on a beautiful desert island. After being there for a while, they got into the habit of going down to the beach to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a deep red with lovely cirrus cloud formations, and with the breeze being warm and gentle it was a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep looked more and more attractive to the Welshman. Soon, he leaned over and put his arm around the sheep.

The dog however grew jealous and growled his displeasure, so the Welshman took his arm away, and they carried on admiring the sunset.

A few weeks passed by, and lo, there was another shipwreck. This time, only a woman survived the disaster. Soon she became accustomed to the evening sunset ritual, and joined them on another particularly pleasant night. Pretty soon, the Welshman got ‘those feelings’ again. This time he cautiously leaned over to the woman and said, “Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?”



HAHAHAHA!!!! Class :lol:

[Namaste]

One day a man walked into a pub in Wales and ordered a pint of beer. All the other men in the bar looked at him and the barman asked, "You're not from around here, are you sir?"
"No," replied the man, "I am from London."
"So, boyo," said the barman, "What do you do for a living then?"
"I'm a taxidermist." replied the man.
"A taxidermist?" asked the barman, "What's one of them then?"
"Well," replied the man, "I mount animals."
The barman then turned to all the other welshmen in the bar and said, "It's ok lad's, he's one of us!"

[Skive]

http://www.asianjoke.com/pix2/tsunami-humor.jpg

[Namaste]

Jim let his dog out to relieve himself late one night. He watched some TV, and then remembered to let the dog back in. When he opened the door, he was shocked at what he saw! In his dog's mouth was his neighbor's cat, dead!

"Bad dog! BAD DOG!" said the panicked man. He took the cat away and looked at it. He couldn't bring himself to tell his neighbor what happened, so he decided to clean it up and leave it on the neighbor's porch. He took the cat into the bathroom and washed off all the blood and dirt. It took him forever. He had to wash it four times to get it all cleaned. He brushed it's beautiful white fur as he blow dried it, and put its collar back on. Since it was so dark, he crept into the neighbor's yard and laid the cat down on the porch in front of the door.

The next day, he was on his way to the car to go to work and his neighbor was outside. "Hi," he said.

"Hi," replied Jim, nervously.

His neighbor said, "Something weird happened last night."

"Oh yeah? What's that," asked Jim, sweating now.

"Well, my cat died yesterday, and we buried him. This morning he was lying on my front porch!"

[Namaste]

http://www.picpop.com/gallery/albums/userpics/1-14-05/chinese.jpg

[kleefarr]

Only in South Africa.

1 (http://www.smartgroups.com/picvault/27260890.jpg/boereselfoon.jpg) 2 (http://www.smartgroups.com/picvault/27260906.jpg/boermaaknplan.jpg) 3 (http://www.smartgroups.com/picvault/27260922.jpg/burglar.jpg) 4 (http://www.smartgroups.com/picvault/27260938.jpg/sabc.jpg) 5 (http://www.smartgroups.com/picvault/27260954.jpg/taxispares.jpg) 6 (http://www.smartgroups.com/picvault/27260970.jpg/trespassers.jpg) 7 (http://www.smartgroups.com/picvault/27260986.jpg/workwanted.jpg)

[Namaste]

Only in South Africa.

1 (http://www.smartgroups.com/picvault/27260890.jpg/boereselfoon.jpg) 2 (http://www.smartgroups.com/picvault/27260906.jpg/boermaaknplan.jpg) 3 (http://www.smartgroups.com/picvault/27260922.jpg/burglar.jpg) 4 (http://www.smartgroups.com/picvault/27260938.jpg/sabc.jpg) 5 (http://www.smartgroups.com/picvault/27260954.jpg/taxispares.jpg) 6 (http://www.smartgroups.com/picvault/27260970.jpg/trespassers.jpg) 7 (http://www.smartgroups.com/picvault/27260986.jpg/workwanted.jpg)

Call me dumb, but what have these got to do with South Africa? :eek2:

[Fiend_85]

Possibly that some, if not all, are from SA?

[kleefarr]

Possibly that some, if not all, are from SA?

Exactly. They were all taken in SA. :rolleyes:

[Yerascrote]

Sick Joke: whats the difference between sarah payne and mother teresa? mother teresa died a virgin. :no:

[Indrid Cold]

What's the difference between God and a lawyer/doctor/whatever?
God doesn't think (s)he's a lawyer/doctor/whatever.

[Namaste]

A little blind girl goes up to her mum and says, "Mummy, mummy, when will I be able to see?"
Her mum replies "I'll tell you what, I'll take you to the chemist and get you some special cream for your eyes and you will be able to see in the morning."
So off they went to the chemist, got the cream, and went home, all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited at the prospect of being able to see again. Once they got home, the mother put the cream on the little girls eyes, wrapped a bandage around her head, and took her to bed.
The following morning the little girl stumbled into her mums bedroom and excitedly shouted "Quick mummy, take off the bandage so that i will be able to see again."
So the mother slowly took of all the bandages, taking her time, and all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited. Once they were off the little girl said "But mummy, I still can't see."
To which the mother replied, "April fool!"

[Namaste]

There's a young couple in the cinema. The girl says, "I must have a piss, can I squeeze past you?"
"Why don't you squat down on the floor and do it" says the boyfriend. "You'll have to disturb all these people, besides its dark, no one will see you."
"OK" she says. She pulls her drawers down and squats on the floor. The bloke starts feeling horny at the thought of her down there, so he reaches down and makes a grab.
He feels something long and hard and says, "Urgh! Have you changed your sex?"
"No" she says "I've changed my mind... I'm having a shit instead."

[kleefarr]

:thumb: :D

[kleefarr]

http://www.smartgroups.com/picvault/27285002.jpg/My_Doctor_said_only_one_glass.jpg

[twisted_trinity]

anyone hear what happened to the dyslexic satan worshiper?

he sold his soul to santa.

[Indrid Cold]

Jack is a dyslexic and insomniac atheist. He stays awake all night trying to prove that no dog exists.

[Indrid Cold]

A mathematician, a biologist and a physician were sitting at a cafe. Suddenly they see 2 people entering the building across the street. A few minutes later, they see 3 people leaving the building. The three scientists look at each other confused.
Then the physician says "The measuring instruments were faulty". The biologist replies "They must have reproduced". Then the mathematician says "If one more person gets in that building, it will be empty".

[kleefarr]

http://www.smartgroups.com/picvault/27284986.jpg/That_is_a_nasty_cough_you_got.jpg

[IRN BRU]

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Thor.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an disruption in the space-time continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to "disappear."

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
__________________
When a man talks dirty to a women, its sexual harassment. When a women talks dirty to a man its £3.95 a minute.

[IRN BRU]

The following are actual reports from insurance claims relating to motor vehicle accidents.
Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree which I didn't have.

I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my hand through it.

I collided with a stationary lorry coming the other way.

A van backed through my windscreen into my wife's face.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

He was all over the road and I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him

In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a tree.

I has been driving my car for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.

I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat I found that had a fractured skull.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over hin.

I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he hounced off the bonnet of my car.

The indirect cause of the accident was the little chap in a small car with a moustache.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some cows.

The telephone pole was approaching fast and I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my car.

I was on the way to the doctor when my rear end gave way, causing me to have an accident.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced over at mother-in-law and drove into the river.

The following are taken from actual letters received by the Welfare Department in applications for support (no bull sh**)

1. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died which was baptised on a half sheet of paper.

2. I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?

3. Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

4. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why?

5. I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.

6. This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it.

7. Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't do anything until he knows.

8. I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.

9. In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory.

10. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children one of which is a mistake as you can see.

11. My husband got his project cut off about two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.

12. Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

13. You have my changed little boy to a girl, will this make any difference?

14. I have no children yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.

15. I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.

[IRN BRU]

ONE-POINT DARES
>
> 1. Run one lap around the office at top speed
>
>
>
> 2. Groan out loud in the toilet cubicle (at least one other
> 'non-player' must be in the toilet at the time).
>
>
>
> 3. Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
>
>
>
> 4. Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and
> say, "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
>
>
>
> 5. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your
> head.
>
>
>
> 6. When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper
> huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"
>
>
>
> 7. Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say,
> "Sorry, I really prefer it this way".
>
>
>
> 8. Walk sideways to the photocopier.
>
>
>
> 9. While riding in a lift, gasp dramatically every time the doors
> open.
>
>
>
> THREE-POINTS DARES
>
> 1. Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with
> double-barreled fingers.
>
>
>
> 2. Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all
>
> that, I don't want to have to repeat it".
>
>
>
> 3. Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
>
>
>
> 4. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the
> nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
>
>
>
> 5. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
>
>
>
> FIVE POINT DARES
>
> 1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice
> to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if
> you actually launch into it yourself).
>
>
>
> 2. Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with
>
> growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
>
>
>
> 3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".
>
>
>
> 4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a
>
> number two".
>
>
>
> 5. After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent.
> As in "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.
>
>
>
> 6. While an office mate is out, move their chair into the lift.
>
>
>
> 7. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly
> and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"
>
>
>
> 8. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my
> witness, I'll never go hungry again."
>
>
>
> 9. In a colleague's diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".
>
>
>
> 10. Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna
> trade?"
>
>
>
> 11. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do
> you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now".
>
>
>
> 12. Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't
> talk about it".
>
>
>
> 13. Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a
> lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
>
>
>
> 14. Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a
> very important conference call.
>
>
>
> 15. Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
>
>
>
> 16. Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your
> pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
>
>
>
> 17. Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit, smash
> each biscuit with your fist.
>
>
>
> 18. During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the
> door.
>
>
>
> 19. Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting
> attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.
>
>
>
> And if that wasn't enough for you here are some examples of insane
> acts you can use anywhere...
>
>
>
> 1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a
> hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down. >
>
>
>
> 2. Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going
> to have to let one of you go."
>
>
>
> 3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries
> with that.
>
>
>
> 4. Put your rubbish bin on your desk and label it "IN."
>
>
>
> 5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten
> over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
>
>
>
> 6. In the subject field for all your e-mails, write " FOR SEXUAL
> FAVOURS".
>
>
>
> 7. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
>
>
>
> 8. Don't use any punctuation
>
>
>
> 9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
>
>
>
> 10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they
> answer.
>
>
>
> 11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
>
>
>
> 12. Sing along at the opera.
>
>
>
> 13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
>
>
>
> 14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle
> sounds all day.
>
>
>
> 15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their
> party because you're not in the mood.
>
>
>
> 16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock
> Hard.
>
>
>
> 17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won! 3rd
> time this week!!!"
>
>
>
> 18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot
> yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!"

[IRN BRU]

Q, 2 Leeds United players in a car, whos driving?



A, The Police

[kleefarr]

Don't read while drinking alcohol.

[kleefarr]

http://www.smartgroups.com/picvault/27284922.jpg/Caught_you.jpg

[Smack]

A piece of string walks into a bar, and asks the barman for a pint, but the barman says "Sorry, we don't serve pieces of string here." So the piece of string goes back outside, ruffles up his hair and turns himself inside out, and goes back in to order a pint again. The barman says "Ain't you that piece of string that came in just a second ago?" and the string replies "No, I'm a frayed knot."


A guy walks into a hotel, completely drunk, out of his head. He walks up to the man behind the counter and says "Can I have the keys to room 155 please?"
"Sorry, that room's taken." says the man.
The drunk guy replies "I know, I just fell outta the window!"



I'm 'ere all week!

[lukesh]

here ya go, the best joke on this site... well me and my mates have a right laugh over it...

why the chicken cross the road?


cus it wanted too lol

and oh check this shit joke out by a french tecaher at college... the joke is...

a man worked for 7 hours.... :chin: :lol:

[Yerascrote]

here ya go, the best joke on this site... well me and my mates have a right laugh over it...

why the chicken cross the road?


cus it wanted too lol


OMG he really is from stoke, i thought it was a myth all along.

[lukesh]

OMG he really is from stoke, i thought it was a myth all along.
explain.

[kleefarr]

TEST (http://www.ibogleif.dk/uk/Thetest-uk3.html)

[Franki]

Don't read while drinking alcohol.

Thank you for giving me a headache :thumb:

[kleefarr]

Your welcome. ;)

Smile please...




http://www.smartgroups.com/picvault/27284874.jpg/Flying_mooner.jpg

[Namaste]

what do you call a scouse terrorist?

Bin laid-off

[Carriage Return]

Remember the childrens TV programme 'Rainbow'? If you do, you'll remember this episode, although, if you were watching it at the time, it might have seemed innocent enough. Take another look.

http://rainbow.arch.scriptmania.com/rainbow_tv_episode.html
don't worry, it wasn't really show to kids
"Although often introduced as the unaired pilot, this episode was actually specially made by the team at Thames Television. Geoffrey Hayes told us, "The VT department of each ITV company, every Christmas had a competition to enter all the outtakes from their particular companies programme output, and see which ones were the funniest. But ours wasn't an outtake, we specially did it. It was specially scripted and we did it and I never saw it! We did it and Thames won it, but what they actually won, I don't know. But I never saw the video. I can't remember much about it except for Zippy with a banana." The script was written by the voice of Zippy and George; Roy Skelton."

[Indrid Cold]

-Why is little Anna smoking?
-No one was around when she caught fire.

-What's written on little Anna's chest?
-VOLVO

-What do a monk and a Christmas tree have in common?
-Their balls are just decoration.

[Fiend_85]

I don't get the volvo one....

[Indrid Cold]

I don't get the volvo one....
Well, a car has its model name on the front, with protruding letters...

[Fiend_85]

Yes, and?

ETA: oh... But surely ovlov?

[Makoto]

A bloke and his girlfriend go to a superstore shopping and he reminds his lover that they need more condoms and so they head off to that section of the store. The lads missus spends a few minutes looking at the condoms and sees these new "Olympic" condoms, grabs the last pack and shows them to her fella.

He then says enthusiastically, "Olympic condoms, are they any good!?" to which his girlfriend then replies, "well, honey, you get three in a pack, gold, silver and bronze. I thought you could try the bronze one so you cum last for a change!"

[Indrid Cold]

Yes, and?

ETA: oh... But surely ovlov?
Yeah, you got it! :thumb: ;)

[kleefarr]

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He
forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of
aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to
them, a single red rose!
Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed.
Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the
aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the
bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast
is on the stove, I left early to go shopping-Love you!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast
and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack
asks, "Son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You
broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye
when you ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a
rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and
when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,
"Leave me alone lady, I'm married!"

[hotblack]

Two men drinking vodka out in the field...
After a while one says: "Shit, there is a pink elephant flying in the air!" Second one looks and says: "Shit, there is also a purple demon digging a cloud!" First one looks closer and says: "Naw it's not our demon it belong to those guys over there, they're on drugs."

[hotblack]

Lord comes to his house and his butler is meeting him.
Butler: Hi fag, did you go to fuck men?
Lord: No James, I went to buy hearing aid.

[hotblack]

Here are questions that some HR people ask during an interview before they hire someone.

Q1 - How to put a giraffe into a fridge?

Correct Answer - Open the frodge door, put a giraffe in the fridge, close the door.

This question checks your basic problem solving skills.

Q2 - How to put an elephant into the fridge?

Correct Anser - Open the fridge, take out the giraffe, put the elephant in.

This question checks whether you take into account your previous actions when making a decision.

Q3 - If a lion called all animals to a meeting which one animal would not come?

Correct Answer - The elephant, he is in the fridge, remember?

This question checks your memory.

Q4 - How do you cross an alligator-infested river?

Correct Answer - You swim across, because all the alligators are at the lion's meeting.

This question checks whether you can learn from your own mistakes.

Ask these questions to your friends, see what they say.

[hotblack]

Guy comes into a restaraunt looks at the menu.
Hamburger - $2
Blowjob - $100

He looks at the waitress, a sexy blonde.

Guy - Excuse me are you the one giving blowjobs?
Waitress - Yes.
Guy - Then wash your hands please I'll take a hamburger.

[hotblack]

A girl comes home, strips and looks at herself in the mirror for about a minute. Then, horrified, she sees a windowcleaner outside looking at her. She turns around and he says: "What the hell are you looking at, never saw a windowcleaner?"

[kleefarr]

Two women were talking about their lives since they had become Nursing home residents.

They both agreed that life was good but one woman, Ethel, said she was rather upset because her sex life had really died out since she and her Husband had come to the nursing home.

The other woman said that her sex life was great!

"The secret to great sex is this," the woman told her, "when my husband is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lay on the bed and put both legs behind my head. When he comes out and sees me like that he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night!"

Ethel says, "I'm going to try that tonight!"

When Ethel's husband is getting ready in the bathroom that night, she takes off all her clothes. Although it's a struggle, she gets one leg up and behind her head. Pretty soon, she has the other leg behind her head as well. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel falls backwards and can't move.

It's not too long before her husband comes out of the bathroom. With a shocked look on his face, her husband yells "For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like an asshole!"

[kleefarr]

A hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead elephant with a pigmy standing beside it.

Amazed, he asked: "Did you kill that?"

The pigmy said, "Yes."

The hunter asked, "How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that?"

"I killed it with my club."

The astonished hunter asked, "How big is your club?"

The pigmy replied, "There's about 60 of us."

[Fiend_85]

:lol: I like that one.

[sweet thing07]

Ok so this girl and her boyfreind were having sex with the girls brother in the room and the boyfreind said when you want it harder say lettuce and when u want it softer say tamato so the girl goes lettuce lettuce tamato tamato when the girls brother says stop your getting Mayo in my eyes!!!!!! I know its gross but i got it from a freind. Do u get it?!?!? :hyper:

[Dr Pirate]

Yeah we get it, but its rubbish :(

[Decode]

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"

Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"

Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"

Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.

Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"

Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"

Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"

Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"

Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!"

He got fired!

[Dr Pirate]

if you had left it at "Yes, I'm afraid it is." then it would have been fine, you killed it within 2 lines.

[Indrid Cold]

^The guy above reminds me of this:

There was a pirate ship once upon a time. One day, the watch shouted "Captain! Captain! Cargo ship ahead!" so the captain smiled evilly(word?) and said "Great! Crew: Ready your swords, fill the cannons, and bring me the red t-shirt!" They battled the cargo ship, killed everyone on board and took the cargo.
Every time they came across a ship they wanted to conquer, the captain said the same thing. So one day the youngest swabbie, who had only been with them for a few weeks, asked him: "Captain, why do you ask for your red t-shirt before every battle?" and he replied "See, it's all psychology. If I get wounded during battle, the crew will lose their courage and not fight as well. With the red t-shirt they wouldn't be able to see my blood and they'd never notice." The swabbie admired his captain for being so smart.
Then one day the watch shouted "Captain! Three ships filled with soldiers, one ahead, one on our right and one on our left!" and then the captain said "Aha! So, um, ready your swords, fill the cannons and... bring me the brown shorts!"

[kleefarr]

Drunk Ole Mulvihill staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but Ole just sits there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."

:rolleyes:

[kleefarr]

Which one would you chose
SAINSBURY'S CONDOMS - making life taste better

TESCO CONDOMS - every little helps.

NIKE CONDOMS - just do it

PEUGEOT CONDOMS - the ride of your life

GALAXY CONDOM - why have rubber when you can have silk

KFC CONDOMS - finger licking good

M&Ms CONDOMS - melt in your mouth not in your hands

SAFEWAY CONDOMS - lightening the load

ABBEY NATIONAL CONDOMS - because life is complicated enough

COCA COLA CONDOMS - the real thing

DURACELL CONDOMS - keeps on going and going and going

MACINTOSH CONDOMS - it does more, it cost less, its that simple

PRINGLES CONDOMS - once you pop, you just can't stop

BURGER KING CONDOMS - home of the whopper

GOODYEAR CONDOMS - for a longer ride, go wide

eggs CONDOMS - no comment required

MULLER LIGHT CONDOMS - so much pleasure, but where's the pain

FLASH CONDOMS - let flash do the hard work for you.

HALFORDS CONDOM - we go the extra mile

ON DIGITAL CONDOMS - plug and play

ROYAL MAIL CONDOMS - I saw this and thought of you

ANDREX CONDOMS - soft, strong and very, very long

RONSEAL CONDOMS - does exactly what it says on the tin

DOMESTOS CONDOMS - gets right under the rim

HEINEKEN CONDOMS - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach

CARLSBERG CONDOMS - probably the best condom in the world

AA CONDOMS - the 4th emergency service

PEPPERAMI CONDOMS - its a bit of an animal

POLO CONDOMS - the condom with the hole (very poor seller!!!!!!)

MARS CONDOMS - helps you work, rest and play

LUCOZADE CONDOMS - a.i.d.s recovery

B & Q CONDOMS - you can do it, if you B & Q it!!

PS2 CONDOMS - lets play together

DYSON CONDOMS - doesn't lose suction!!!

[Fiend_85]

:lol: like it.

[kleefarr]

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that
the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of
space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into
all other programs and now monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run
my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0,
but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User.

(KEEP READING)


REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is
just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING
SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also
impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to
uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not
allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child
Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the
situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to
alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because
ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system
will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.
Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0,
Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will
cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the
only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional
software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With
Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause
irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

[mystifymysoul]

I heard this one from my lil brother...no disrespect to the pope or anything though. Its a lame joke anyway..

How are they gonna decide on a new pope?

Pope Idol!

[kleefarr]

Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers,
represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" The Rastaman says. "Oh, dat dere is easy," and
proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"You no see it, mon? Tree and tree and tree make nine, nuh?" says the
Rasta.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here is your second question. Use the
same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Rasta stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that
he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.

"Ere you go"

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to
represent 99?"

"Each of da trees him dirty now! So it's dirty tree, and dirty tree,
and dirty tree. Dat is 99. 'You tink I no got brain?"

The boss is getting angry as is worried he's going to have to hire this
Rasta, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again,
but represent the number 100."

The Rasta stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture
again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere
you go, mon. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that
represents a hundred!"

The Rasta leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each
tree,and says, "A little dog come along, seen, and crap by each tree. So
now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a
turd, which make one hundred... So when I start, boss?"

[Indrid Cold]

I hope this isn't one that I (or anyone else) have said before.

We're in Italy. The new pope (a younger one, in some parallel universe) bought a new car, a ferrari. But his chauffer is going too slow 80mph, so the pope says "Go faster! This is a Ferrari!" Then the driver speeds up to 100mph. The pope is still not satisfied: "You call this fast? I want to see real speed!" and the driver speeds up tp 120mph.
The pope is angry now and tells the driver to stop. "Get in the back seat; I'll drive!" so they switch places and the pope starts driving at 230mph. Eventually a traffic warden stops them. "Do you know how fast you've been driving, sir? Roll down your window please." The pope lowers the window and the warden gasps when he sees him. He calls the captain.
-Sir, I think I'm in trouble... I stopped a car for speeding, and there's a very important person inside...
-Who? Some minister?
-No, no sir... More important.
-The prime minister?
-Much more important, sir...
-Don't tell me you stopped the President!
-No, sir, infinitively more important... Imagine that his driver is the pope!

[kleefarr]

An old, white haired man walked into a Jewelry Store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the Jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The Jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 Ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the Jeweler went to his special stock and brought another Ring over. "Here's a stunning Ring at only £40,000," the Jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The Jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. " I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the Ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off Jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

[kleefarr]

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown.

A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.

Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"

The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!"

The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, "352."

This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right!
OK, I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."

The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.

When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "OK, now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair colour, can I have my dog back?"

[Dr Pirate]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v237/chickenfranki/Avs%20and%20Icons/your_mum.gif

ollol

[Gavman]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v237/chickenfranki/Avs%20and%20Icons/your_mum.gif

ollol

lol


The Police pull over a car and approach the drive and ask for him to take a breathalyser test. The man reaches down to the dash and pulls out a doctors note that reads "This man is asmatic please dont make him breath into anything"

So the police instead say they will have to take a blood sample. Once again the man reaches and pulls out another doctors note saying "This man is a heamaphiliac please do not take blood form this man"

Finally the police say they will have to settle for a urine sample. Yet again the man reaches over and produces a Doctors note "This man is an england cricketer please dont take the piss"

[kleefarr]

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was sizeable movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked".

[Franki]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v237/chickenfranki/Avs%20and%20Icons/your_mum.gif

ollol
Stop stealing my damned icon :(.

[kleefarr]

http://i22.photobucket.com/albums/b347/KBL007/Scrapbook/BubbaandJimmy.bmp

[Indrid Cold]

I read this in another forum, the last post in the "nekkid" thread reminded me:

An old lady is waiting at the downtown bus stop when it finally arrives. Standing to one side, she waits as the passengers get off the bus. The last one out is a young woman with her shirt unbuttoned and her left breast out.
"So dearie," asks the old lady, "Is that the new fashion these days?"
The young woman pauses, then looks down.
"Oh No!" she screams, "The Baby!"

[Dr Pirate]

Stop stealing my damned icon :(.
But 'tis so funny ;p

[kleefarr]

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nudist beach.
As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.
She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is."

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.
She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is."

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells his mother:
"Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

[Deep Fathom]

one abbreviation for you: lol :D

[Dr Pirate]

http://tinypic.com/6ds6qp

[Simba T Lion]

its not a joke but its funny http://maddox.xmission.com/irule.html

[Indrid Cold]

A man was sitting in a bar, staring at his glass but not drinking it. Then a stranger comes in, laughs and pushes the man aside, then grabs his drink and drinks it in one gulp. The man then starts crying. The stranger feels bad for him and says "Sorry pal, I was just joking... Here, I'll by you another drink.
The other replies "It's not your fault... Everything's just going wrong today. I woke up at morning to discover that my alarm clock had ran out of batteries and I was late for work. When I got there, my boss fired me. I left and found out that they'd stolen my car. I took a cab home and forgot my wallet inside. When I entered my house, I found my wife in bed with the mailman. And as if all that wasn't enough, now that I had decided to end my life, you come out of nowhere and drink the poison!"

[kleefarr]

Click here (http://www.fridayers.com/uploads/69/3MenonaBench.wma)

[kleefarr]

Family dinner (http://www.fridayers.com/uploads/69/familydinner.wmv)

[Dr Pirate]

Can you please stop dragging this thread up? :(

It sucks.

[kleefarr]

Miserable sod. I think there are some people that may enjoy it. :p

And, you don't have to look at it if you don't want to. Many have. 2667 views so far.

[Franki]

Can you please stop dragging this thread up? :(

It sucks.
Seconded. Tbh.

[kleefarr]

I've put it to the vote.

[kleefarr]

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually.

He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to
work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a
white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to
continue?"

The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned: It will not work again for another year.
Harry rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess.

That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, (well maybe not)and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne.(Metho) After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123;" and suddenly he has the most gigantic erection ever, just as the medicine man had promised.

His wife, who had been facing away from him, turns over and asks,

"What did you say '123' for?

[Indrid Cold]

A guy complains to his doctor about very painful headaches. After running some tests, the doctor says "I'm sorry, but you suffer from a rare disease which presses your testicles on the base of your spine, and the nerves produce the headaches. The only solution is to remove your testicles". Naturally the guy doesn't want to do that, but his headaches get worse so eventually he realises he has no choice. After the operation, he decides to get some new clothes to feel better.
So he walks in a clothing store and asks the assistant for a full wardrobe. The assistant tells him to follow him to the shirts department. After they go there, the assistant takes a good look on the guy and says "You were shirts number 25".
"Amazing! How do you know that?"
"Oh, I've been working here long enough that I can tell a person's clothing size easily."
After buying the shirts, the guy moves on to the trousers department. Again, the assistant takes a good look at him and says "You were trousers number 24."
"That's also right! Are you a psychic or anything?"
"Oh, no. It's all a matter of experience."
After buying some trousers, it's now time to get new underwear. Once more, the assistant looks at him and says "Your underwear is size large."
"Ah, this time you are mistaken. I wear underwear size medium."
"I'm sure you don't. If you wore medium, it would press your testicles on the base of your spine and give you terrible headaches!"

[Fiend_85]

:lol:

[mystifymysoul]

Ahahahaha.

Poor guy.

[Zella]

Ahahahaha.

Poor guy.
*wispers* psssst! He's not real!

[kleefarr]

More votes please people, not that I'll take much notice away. If the powers that be wanted to remove it they would. :D (Hope I didn't speak too soon.)

[Dr Pirate]

I thought we covered this a while back ;<

THIS THREAD IS DEAD ;(

[kleefarr]

I thought we covered this a while back ;<

THIS THREAD IS DEAD ;(

Just for you Dr P! ;)

Surrogate Father

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a surrogate father to start
their family. On the day the surrogate father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang
the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning madam. You don't know me, but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a speciality of
babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.
Just where do we start?" asked Mrs Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor
is fun too, you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me.
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure
you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know!!" Mrs Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my!!" Mrs Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs Smith
the picture.
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in."
Mrs Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your,
er.. um.. ah.... equipment?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that
we can get to work."
"Tripod??" Mrs Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?

Good Grief, she's fainted!!

[Fiend_85]

I'm sure we wouldn't be so bothered by the way you won't let this thread die, if only the jokes were remotely funny.

[Doofay]

That was pretty good :p

[Teh_Gerbil]

It was OK. Not that great.

But, DEAD TOPIC.

[Doofay]

I think the joke would have been better if they got rid of the "by coincidence a baby photographer dropped by" bit and put something like "so the lady dropped her knickers and the man said GOOD GOD LADY, I'M A BABY PHOTOGRAPHER!!!" or something better than that.

Still funny though :p

[Teh_Gerbil]

That would have made a good TV show sketch...

[Namaste]

Ffs Kleefar, stop copying and pasting crap jokes. :(

[jake0]

did you hear about that guy that told too many puns? his friends got pissed at him and locked him in a closet... so he said o pun the door.

[MrG]

hear about the sex maniac who used glue, turns out he couldnt get off

[Indrid Cold]

How about this one?

A big car stops outside a bar. Two gorgeous and scantily clad women come out and open the back door, from which emerges a guy wearing an expensive suit and has a large rooster perched on his shoulder. The guy walks in the bar with the women, orders a drink and drinks it. After a few minutes, he pulls a pack of banknotes from his pocket, picks one of them worth 30 pounds and gives it to the bartender, telling him to keep the change. Then they go back in the car and leave.
The next day, the guy comes again in a different but still very expensive car, different suit and two different women, the same rooster still on his shoulder, and orders another drink. He pays even more and leaves. This goes on every day, until another patron decides to ask him about it.
"It's a long story" he says. "A few weeks ago, I found a genie and it said it would make three of my wishes come true. First, I wished that I'd become so handsome that any woman who meets me will do anything I ask just to stay close to me. And see, it worked" he says as he points to the women. "For my second wish, I asked that whenever I put my hand in my pocket, I'd pull out 500 pounds worth of money. That's how I pay for the cars and the clothes."
"Alright" the other patron says, "but what about the rooster?" The guy sighs and says "My third wish was to have a big cock..."

[Dr Pirate]

;<

ffs, let it die :(

[Namaste]

This thread isn't funny.

[Dr Pirate]

-']This thread isn't funny.
I concur

[Jinx]

A young boy walks into class late.

Teacher: Tim, why are you late?

Tim: Sorry miss, my father got burnt.

Teacher: Oh Im sorry to hear that Tim, I do hope he's going to be ok.

Tim: I doubt it miss; they dont fuck about at the crematorium.

[TheKingOfGlasgow]

did you hear about that guy that told too many puns? his friends got pissed at him and locked him in a closet... so he said o pun the door.
I actually laughed out loud at this.

[Deep Fathom]

I actually laughed out loud at this.

strange humour you have, or is it just that everything is relevant?

[Yerascrote]

I actually laughed out loud at this.

have you not heard that before...it's as old as the hills.

[Teh_Gerbil]

Not as old as the Glaswegian Hills though. :p

[kleefarr]

nose!!

http://i22.photobucket.com/albums/b347/KBL007/Scrapbook/Kissmynose.jpg

For those of you that don't like this thread!!!

STOP FU**ING READING IT THEN!!! GO AND TROLL ON SOMEONE ELSES THREAD!!!!! :thumb:

[kleefarr]

Are you telling me, you just can't ignore it because it appears at the top of the page once in a while? Well it's your choice to look or not and you obviously secretly like to look at it. :wave:

Try and exercise a bit more willpower. :rolleyes:


Oh.. PS. I won't miss you. ;)

[Teh_Gerbil]

This thread isn't very funny. :no:

[The Doc]

If I think a thread is going to be shit, I just don't read it. Or when I do read it, I don't complain about it, especially ones I've read about fifty times before.

[Namaste]

I just read the jokes by everybody but Kleefar.

[Dr Pirate]

Seriously Kleefar, FO.

[kleefarr]

Seriously Kleefar, FO.

:wave:

[byny]

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two hookers and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"

The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I Simply couldn't get an erection."

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" he asked. "I couldn't even get on the bed!"

[kleefarr]

I'm in the queue at the Super Market when I notice that the rather dishy blonde behind me has just raised her hand and smiled hello to me.
I was rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to me, and although familiar I can't place where I might know her from, so I say "sorry do you know me?"
She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"
My mind shoots back to the one and only time I'd been unfaithful, "Christ!" I say "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I had on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my a55?"
"No" she replies, "I'm your sons' English Teacher"!!!!

[Makoto]

A Muslim walks into a shop and tries on a pair of jeans and he says the the shop assistant, "does my bomb look big in this?"

:lol:

[Teh_Gerbil]

A Muslim walks into a shop and tries on a pair of jeans and he says the the shop assistant, "does my bomb look big in this?"

:lol:

Old now.

THIS TOPIC MUST DIE!
What's funnier than two dead babies?
Two dead babies in clown suits.

[Makoto]

Old now.

THIS TOPIC MUST DIE!
What's funnier than two dead babies?
Two dead babies in clown suits.

Don't try and kill da thread main!

Hear about the magic tractor?


It drove up the road and turned into a field lolololol

[Indrid Cold]

A cowboy was in a field with his cows when he heard a train whistle. As he'd never seen a train or heard about them before, he wondered what it could be. Then suddenly he sees a huge creature that has smoke coming out of its head coming towards the cows in an incredible speed. The cowboy pulls his gun out and starts shooting at the train, but the bullets didn't hurt it and it hit a couple of cows and killed them.
At night the cowboy goes to a saloon to drink and forget about the monster from earlier. After he's had a dozed whiskeys, the teapot that the bartender had on the stove whistled, indicating the tea was ready. Then the cowboy starts shooting at it until it's full of holes.
"What the hell did you do that for?" the bartender asks. And the cowboy replies "You have to kill those things when they're little, cause once they grow up they're unstoppable."

[Teh_Gerbil]

Don't try and kill da thread main!

Hear about the magic tractor?


It drove up the road and turned into a field lolololol

You made me think of that GREAt Soviet Film about the Little Red Tractor that the farmers take into a shed and make it into a T-34 for World War Two.
Fucknig ace as tits film.

There was an American spy going into Soviet Russia, fully trained, spoke Russian like a Russian, wearing peasants gear. Jump out the plane, performs a perfect HALO drop, hides hte parachute in the woods, and walks into the nearest town. After looking about for a while, he finds a house and knocks upon the door, and an old Lady answers. "Hello" he says "Where is hte nearet train to Moscow?" In perfect Russian. "Are you an American spy, my dear?" asks the old Lady. "How did you know?" asks the spy. "We don't get many Black people round here."

Rofflewaffles.

[Indrid Cold]

Heard this one, amazing!

[Thunderstruck]

Why do girls wear make-up and perfume?
Because they're ugly and they smell.

Why did the condom fly around the room?
Because it got pissed off.

Plenty more where they came from.

[Teh_Gerbil]

Why do girls wear make-up and perfume?
Because they're ugly and they smell.

Why did the condom fly around the room?
Because it got pissed off.

Plenty more where they came from.
*snigger*
Ah, the old ones are best.

[Indrid Cold]

I might have said this one before:

A fool was trying to nail something to the wall, but he had put the nail's head on the wall and was banging on its tip. Not being able to do anything, he said to another fool who was nearby "This nail is defective! They put the head on the wrong side!" and the other replies "You fool, this nail is for the opposite wall!"

[kleefarr]

The difference in definition between "guts" and "balls"!
=========================================

Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the lads , being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are
you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass
and having the balls to say, "You're next fatty."

[kleefarr]

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

40-ish................................49
Adventurous.......................Slept with everyone.
Athletic...............................No breasts.
Average looking....................Mooooooo.
Beautiful..............................Pathologica l liar.
Emotionally Secure................On medication.
Feminist................................Fat.
Free spirit............................Junkie.
Friendship first......................Former sl*t.
New-Age............................Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-fashioned.......................No BJs.
Open-minded.......................Desperate.
Outgoing............................Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional..........................B*tch.
Voluptuous..........................Very Fat.
Large frame.........................Hugely Fat.
Wants Soul mate..................Stalker.

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

[Teh_Gerbil]

Old. Was funny when it was new, not so anymore. Read it far to many times.

Make funny jokes. Or die.

[Thunderstruck]

Ok here's one.

Superman was flying around one day. He's bored - no-one to save and no world-saving to be done. So he thinks to himself, 'I know, I'll go rou