The jokes thread. [Archive] - Page 2

bunglenutter

16-07-2006, 11:51 AM

Oldie but goodie :)

A man walks into a bar and takes a little man, about 12 inches high, and sets him down on the bar and asks the barman for a couple of drinks, one for him and one for his little companion.

The barman is shocked at the size of the man, "How'd you find that fella?" he asked.

"You think that's interesting? Wait til you see this." said the man, and he pulled out a small piano, just the right size for the little man, who promptly sat down at the keyboard and immediately played through "The Entertainer".

"That's amazing!" said the barman, "How the hell did you come across this guy?"

"I found this magic lamp," said the man, "And it has a genie inside it, and he grants wishes, as a good genie should!"

"Interesting, mind if I have a go?"

"Sure."

The barman rubbed the lamp and sure enough, the genie appeared, sounding nothing like Robin Williams. "What is thy wish?" asked the genie.

"I wish for a hundred bucks!" said the barman.

"Granted!" said the genie, and disappeared back into the lamp.

A few seconds later the barman started to hear a lot of quacking noises outside his door. When he went out to look outside he found that there were a hundred ducks beseiging his pub. "What the hell's going on here?" said the barman, "Is there something wrong with that genie of yours or something?"

"Well," said the stranger, "you didn't think I'd actually ask for a 12 inch pianist, did you??"

:naughty:

kleefarr

30-07-2006, 02:04 PM

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi would get together twice a week for coffee to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at Rabbi Goldberg, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

Loved Up Blonde

30-07-2006, 02:12 PM

kleefarr

03-08-2006, 11:04 PM

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.

The barman says "That's a nice newt. What's his name?"

The man says "Tiny". The barman says "Why do you call

him Tiny?". "Because", he replies, "he's my newt."

"Taxi".... ;)

MrG

03-08-2006, 11:53 PM

"Taxi".... ;)

i did call one but it got lost trying to find your sense of humour :thumb:

Teh_Gerbil

04-08-2006, 12:45 AM

My post was like, deleted ;(

MrG's joke was better :p

Indrid Cold

04-08-2006, 02:52 PM

Why isn't this thread being moved to Waste Time?

Anyway, here's one:

An angel tells God:
-My Lord, people have decoded the human DNA.
-Damn hackers! I'll have to change the password.

kleefarr

26-10-2006, 10:44 AM

http://i22.photobucket.com/albums/b347/KBL007/Scrapbook/Teamwork.jpg

littlemissy

26-10-2006, 10:51 AM

Why have you brought this thread up? Again?

RubberSkin

26-10-2006, 10:52 AM

Attempt for post of the week and an octopus ? :D

littlemissy

26-10-2006, 10:54 AM

Attempt for post of the week and an octopus ? :D

Who knows. I hope that wasn't the real reason though as it wasn't a great joke. It just needs to die a death this time. Permanently. Especially as there is a jokes thread in the waste time forum now.

Franki

26-10-2006, 03:05 PM

Someone close it already >.<

Teh_Gerbil

27-10-2006, 01:11 AM

Someone close it already >.<
word^

slinkyGirl1

27-10-2006, 10:55 AM

Remember the childrens TV programme 'Rainbow'? If you do, you'll remember this episode, although, if you were watching it at the time, it might have seemed innocent enough. Take another look.

http://rainbow.arch.scriptmania.com/rainbow_tv_episode.html

Is that for real???

made me laugh so hard, i almost started crying!!! :lol:

slinkyGirl1

27-10-2006, 11:11 AM

Only in South Africa.

1 (http://www.smartgroups.com/picvault/27260890.jpg/boereselfoon.jpg) 2 (http://www.smartgroups.com/picvault/27260906.jpg/boermaaknplan.jpg) 3 (http://www.smartgroups.com/picvault/27260922.jpg/burglar.jpg) 4 (http://www.smartgroups.com/picvault/27260938.jpg/sabc.jpg) 5 (http://www.smartgroups.com/picvault/27260954.jpg/taxispares.jpg) 6 (http://www.smartgroups.com/picvault/27260970.jpg/trespassers.jpg) 7 (http://www.smartgroups.com/picvault/27260986.jpg/workwanted.jpg)

hey, i cant view the pics ..... :( no fair!!!

Namaste

27-10-2006, 12:35 PM

Attempt for post of the week and an octopus ? :D
I have an octopus :D

My flatmate wants to burn him :(

And Kleefarr actually posted something funny for once.

xsazx

27-10-2006, 12:48 PM

hey, i cant view the pics ..... :( no fair!!!
me neither it says they're invalid :(

kleefarr

17-11-2006, 07:00 PM

me neither it says they're invalid :(

Sorry.

They were posted a while ago so I guess I have deleted them from my album.
I'll have a look and see if I can find them again, if you like. :chin:

Yerascrote

17-11-2006, 07:04 PM

Seriously dude, give it a rest, no one wants to look at this thread anymore, start a new one if your joke fetish gets out of control.

Teh_Gerbil

18-11-2006, 02:13 AM

Seriously dude, give it a rest, no one wants to look at this thread anymore, start a new one if your joke fetish gets out of control.

That^ And Mods, please move this to waste time!

kleefarr

19-11-2006, 12:56 PM

Seriously dude, give it a rest, no one wants to look at this thread anymore, start a new one if your joke fetish gets out of control.

Most people who don't want to look at this thread don't look.
Easy!

Teh_Gerbil

19-11-2006, 05:51 PM

Most people who don't want to look at this thread don't look.
Easy!

But that takes the fun out of it.

kleefarr

31-01-2007, 07:03 PM

Economic Models explained with cows

SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the
other, then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your
herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take
harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the
other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to
analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your
publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your
brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an
associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax
exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via
an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority
shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed
company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option
on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new President of the United States,
leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The
public buys your bull.

THE ANDERSEN MODEL: You have two cows. You shred them.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot,
and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are
one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You
then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'cowkimon' and market it
worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live
for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they
are. You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have
five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them
again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another
bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You
charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and
arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.

IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that
you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and
invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part
of a Democracy....

WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very
attractive.

AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You
close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate

xXxXxSarahxXxXx

01-02-2007, 01:17 AM

Text Message Joke!

Two wives walking home from a night out. They stop for a piss in the graveyard. One of them wipes there fanny with their knickers, the other with a wreath.

Next day the husbands were in the pub having a beer. One husband says to the other, "I better watch my wife, She came home lastnight with no Knickers on". The other Husband says, "That's fuck all, Mine came home with a card in her arse saying, We'll be thinking of you, From all the boys at the firestation!"

:lol:

Indrid Cold

01-02-2007, 10:32 AM

A man was driving in a street, and at some point he was stopped by a man dressed all in red, who said "Hello, I'm the asshole in red. I'm hungry, do you have a sandwich?" Our guy was a bit confused, but gave him a sandwich that he had. The man in red thanked him and he went on.
Some distance later, he was stopped by a man dressed all in green, who said "Hello, I'm the asshole in green. I'm thirsty, do you have a coke?" Our guy was even more confused, but gave him the can he had. The man in green thanked him and he went on.
He thought, "I guess there was a major breakout from a psychiatric clinic." Indeed, some distance later he was stopped by a man dressed all in yellow, who said "Hello, I'm the asshole in yellow. Do you have some gum?" Our guy said "Yeah yeah" and gave him some gum. The man in yellow thanked him and he went on.
Some distance later he was stopped by a man dressed in blue. Before the man in blue could say anything, our guy said "Yeah I know, you're the asshole in blue. What the fuck do you want?" And the other replied "License and registration."

StrubbleS

01-02-2007, 12:30 PM

A man is sitting in a bar telling the barkeeper, "Oh boy, the opened up the new brothel down the road, you heard of it? You can go in shag all day long and even get 200€ at the end of the day!"

barkeeper, "That's great! Have you ever been there?"

man, "no, but my wife was!"

Im Grund genommen, gehört er in den Munde genommen, aber im Endeffekt g'hört er eineg'steckt.

Stidge

01-02-2007, 12:43 PM

A man is walking past a cake shop when he notices a sign in the window
"Cakes £1, Wanks £1"
He has a look inside and see's a beautiful blonde behind the counter so decides to go in.
Man: "Are you the woman who gives the wanks?"
Woman: "Yep"
Man: "Oh right..... wash your hands and and I'll have 2 cream cakes"

.................................................. ..................................................

A man is at the checkout at his local supermarket. The cashier is scanning his shopping:
1 tin of beans
1 Microwave Chicken Curry
1 Pint of Milk
1 Box of Micro Chips

The woman at the checkout says to the man "Your a bachelor arent you?"
Man: "Yes, Wow how did you know that"
Checkout woman: "Because your a fucking ugly bastard"

(Obviously they lose some effect being written, but tell them to your friends and I guarantee at least a giggle)

kleefarr

05-02-2007, 08:34 PM

:D :thumb:

Indrid Cold

05-02-2007, 08:39 PM

-How is my husband, doctor?
-There's nothing wrong with him. He just thinks he's sick. I'll call you in a week, and you'll see he'll be fine.
Next week:
-So, how does your husband feel now?
-Not very well... He thinks he's dead.

Outside a surgery room, a man is waiting nervously. Eventually a doctor comes out.
-Doctor! Please tell me, how is my wife? Did the surgery go well?
-Surgery??? Oh, um... wasn't it an autopsy?

kleefarr

19-02-2007, 08:42 PM

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the
rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best
toast of the night". She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your
toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting
in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the
other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You
know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell
asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Indrid Cold

19-02-2007, 08:52 PM

A teacher tries to confuse his students, so he asks: "If you know that yesterday I took my dog for a walk, and that I like pineapples, how old am I?"
A student replies "You are 44."
The teacher is amazed: "That's correct! But, how did you know?"
"My brother is 22 and half crazy."

NinjaMaster

20-02-2007, 01:50 PM

An Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for at least 10
years, saw a speck out to sea. He thought to himself, "That certainly
Could not be a ship after all these years. Must be a mirage.."
After a while a wet-suited black clad figure stood up in the surf and
after taking off the scuba gear, revealed a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
She approached the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long
Has it been since you've had a good cigar?"

"Ten years."

She unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wetsuit and
pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter. He takes one,
lights it, and takes a long drag, savouring every moment.

"Faith and begorrah," said the man, "that is so good. I'd almost
forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish
Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling with anticipation, the castaway replied, "Ten years."
Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve,
unzips a pocket and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened
the flask and took a long drink.

"Tis the nectar of the gods!" stated the Irishman, ''Tis truly
fantastic!"

At this point, the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the
long front of her wet suit, right down to her navel. She looked at the
Trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played
around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed,

"Oh! Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Oh! Mother of God! Don't tell me
that you've got golf clubs in there, too!"

kleefarr

05-04-2007, 06:53 PM

Like it Ninja!! :thumb:

I was in Tescos today buying a large bag of Pedigree for my dog and was in
line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The
Pedigree Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in
hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an
intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in
both arms.

Her eyes about popped out of her head.

I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally believing it.
I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works
is to load your pockets or handbag with Pedigree nuggets and simply eat one
or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a tall bloke that was standing behind
her.

Horrified, she asked if it was something in the dog food that had poisoned
me and that may have been why I ended up in the hospital.

I said... "No..... I was sitting in the street licking my arse when a car
hit me".

I thought the tall guy was going faint and have to be carried out the door!!

Have a great week-end!

All the best,

Kevin

Indrid Cold

09-04-2007, 06:43 PM

Three women meet in a cafe and decide to talk about their sex lives.
The first one says "Last night my husband was bored. So I went and touched his balls, and they were cold. I warmed them up and we had a great time!"
Next time they meet, the second one says "I decided to do like you. I touched my husband's balls and they were cold, so I warmed them up and we shook the house!"
Next time, the third one has a black eye. The other two ask her what happened and she says "I thought I'd do they same thing you two did. So I touched my husband's balls, but they were warm. And then I said 'Why are they not cold? Jack's and Peter's were!' "

kleefarr

11-04-2007, 10:53 PM

Go to Google.com (www.google.com)

--Click on Maps.

--Click on Get Directions.

--From New York, New York

--To Paris, France

--And read line # 23.

Indrid Cold

18-04-2007, 04:56 PM

a man sits in a bar, slowly sipping his drink and
eyeing a very beautiful woman. after a few more
drinks and lots of internal deliberations, he summons
the courage, walks up to her and says "umm, hi... do
you mind if i just sit here and talk to you for a
while?", to which she responds, at the top of her
lungs, "no, i won't sleep with you! please stop
begging me!".
now everyone in the bar is watching them, and the man
turns, lowers his head, and begins to walk slowly
back to his table.
after a while, the woman walks over to him, and says
"i'm sorry for what i just did to you. you see, i am
studying psychology, and i'm conducting an
experiment, observing people's reactions when they
are embarassed...".
to which he shouts, "you are willing to do what, for
200 euros?".

NinjaMaster

24-04-2007, 12:11 PM

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first year school children, using a bowl of fruit Polo's.

He gave all the children the same kind of Polo, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour.

The children began to say:

"Red............cherry,"

"Yellow.........lemon,"

"Green..........lime,"

"Orange........orange."

Finally the professor gave them all honey Polos. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.
"Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled: "Oh My God!!!! They're arse-holes!!"

NinjaMaster

24-04-2007, 12:13 PM

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to
touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the
Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said
that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it
would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little
bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed,
the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio
informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four
hours, would cure this type of itch; and that tests had shown that only
the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for
the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four
hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent
breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and
hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of
1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have
cared less; and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the
King, with a laugh told him to fuck off.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder
into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

Harmless

24-04-2007, 01:38 PM

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting so he travelled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it.

Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear who said to him, "That was a very bad mistake, you just shot my young cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Frank.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him and said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have "rough sex."
Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly rather than be mauled to death. Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered, but totally outraged he headed back to Alaska, tracked down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt such sweet revenge.

But, moments later, there was a tap on is shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"
> > A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want
> > out of life is four little animals." The teacher asked, "Really and
> > what four little animals would that be sugar?" The little girl said,
> > "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed, and a
> > jackass to pay for all of it." The teacher fainted ...

Indrid Cold

04-05-2007, 08:54 PM

A man watches his son praying. The kid says "God, please keep my mum, my dad, my grandma in Australia in good health, and say hello to my grandma in Australia." The man thinks it's strange why his son picked the grandma apart in the prayer, but says nothing.
The next morning the phone rings, it's his father in law calling from Australia to tell him that his mother in law had passed away.
That night, he watches his son pray again. The boy says "God, please keep my mum and my dad in good health, and say hello to my grandpa in Australia." Again, he says nothing and the next morning he gets a call from an Australian lawyer who informs him his father in law had passed away too.
That night his son prays "God, please keep my mum in good health, and say hello to my dad." The man stays up all night, worried for his life, checking his blood pressure every few minutes and writing his will. By next morning though, he's still alive. He feels relieved.
Then he looks at his wife and she seems sad. He asks what's wrong and she replies "The neighbour just told me... Our postman died!"

StrubbleS

06-05-2007, 11:52 PM

3 kids in elementary school

"my mum has such a big mouth she can put a muffin ALL the way in it."
the second kid, "that's nothing, my mum has suuuch a big mouth, she brings half a sandwich allll the way into her mouth."
the third kid, "you must be kidding me, that's nothing. When I came in the living room my father said to my mother, 'turn off that telly and take it in your mouth.'"

probably sucks in english, because it's not so ambiguous.

Indrid Cold

06-05-2007, 11:54 PM

It sounds fine to me! :D :thumb:

muse-

07-05-2007, 12:33 AM

NinjaMaster

09-05-2007, 01:26 PM

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Tesco with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The door greeter says, 'Good morning and welcome to Tesco, nice children you've got there. Are they twins?'

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: 'Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look alike, you dickhead?'

'Absolutely not,' replies the greeter, 'I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice!'

foxysoxy

09-05-2007, 02:07 PM

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an
oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a
difficult, four hour surgical procedure.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir I'm only here
to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask
again.

"Nurse, are my testicles black?"

She pretends not to hear him and continues with her job of washing him.

Annoyed now, he asks her a third time " Nurse, Are my testicles black".

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, hold his penis in one hand, testicles in the other and says "LOOK, Crick your neck up...Look lovely pink healthy balls, big bouncy balls, alright, your testicles are fine. Nothing wrong with your testicles, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very
slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very,
very closely......

"A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

lea_uk

17-05-2007, 07:09 PM

A psychiatrist was conducting group therapy with 4 young moms & their small children.
You all have obsessions, he observed.

To the 1st mother, he said, You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.

He turned to the 2nd mother, Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.

He turns to the 3rd mother. Your obsession is alcohol. This manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy.

At this point, the 4th mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand & whispers.Come on, Dick, we're leaving

lea_uk

17-05-2007, 07:11 PM

O_o

21-05-2007, 01:34 PM

A brand new store has just opened in London that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:-

?You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!?

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kid and are extremely good looking. ?Wow,? she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 -These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework. ?Oh, mercy me!? she exclaims, ?I can hardly stand it!?

Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store?s owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.

The 1st floor has wives that love sex.

The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.

Indrid Cold

21-05-2007, 09:22 PM

A man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".

A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus, "send me a brother".
Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"...

What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress.

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,
And Panic is when both are pregnant.

A woman asks man who is traveling with six children, "Are all these kids yours??"
The man replies: "No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints".

A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential.
Dad says: "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there is also my son, but that's confidential!"

Indrid Cold

22-05-2007, 05:42 PM

Late at night, a presenter of a radio talk program gets yet another phone call.
"Hello Johnny, my name is Michael."
"Hello, friend Michael. How are you doing tonight?"
"Horrible, Johnny! I just split up with my girlfriend and I'm a bit freaked out!..."
"I understand my friend... Loneliness is a scary thing, isn't it?"
"Yes! And you know, I'm afraid of the dogs too!"
"The dogs? What dogs?"
"We'd gone out in her car and she dropped me in the middle of nowhere... Bitch!"

(that's from a comic strip really)

Man Of Kent

29-05-2007, 10:13 PM

One afternoon a little girl returned home from school and announced that her friend had told her where babies come from.

Amused, her mother replied: "Really sweetie, why don't you tell me all about it?"

The little girl explained, "Well...Okay...the Mommy and Daddy take off all of their clothes, and the Daddy's thing sort of stands up, and then the Mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's how you get babies."

Her Mom shook her head, leaned over to meet her eye to eye and said, "Oh honey, that's sweet, but that's not how you get babies. That's how you get jewellery."

Man Of Kent

29-05-2007, 10:15 PM

A lady and her baby get on a bus. The bus driver looks at the lady, and then her baby, and then screams, "AHHHH! That's the ugliest child I've ever seen in my life!" The lady then, totally disgusted, marches up to the back of the bus to sit down.

As she was sitting there absolutely furious, a man asks, "Are you ok, dear?"

The lady replies, "I'm so angry, that bus driver just insulted me."

The man says, "You go back up there and give that bus driver a piece of your mind, and I'll watch your monkey."

Man Of Kent

29-05-2007, 10:30 PM

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew.
She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was?
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God! ."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

kleefarr

09-06-2007, 10:40 AM

A brand new store has just opened in London that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:-

<SNIP>

The 1st floor has wives that love sex.

The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.

Excellent! :lol:

VinylVicky

09-06-2007, 10:41 AM

Heard a good one at the comedy quiz last night!

What key can get into any lock?
A pi-key

kleefarr

09-06-2007, 10:42 AM

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that, despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.

Cilla Black who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla said, "Sean, if I'm not bein' too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer, let's go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun."

So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.

Afterwards,Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my bawls in your left hand and ma wullie in your right hand".

Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay". He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.

Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......

"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun".

Cilla complies with the routine. Again, the results are absolutely mind blowing.

Once it's all over, they have a drink. Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, this 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer Willie in
the other does it really stimulate yer that much?"

Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla but the last time I shlept with a scouser, she stole ma wallet.

Indrid Cold

05-07-2007, 04:46 PM

Once there was a mighty king with an only daughter. A man came to the castle one day and told the king that he'd do anything he was asked to, anything at all, for the exchange of the princess's hand in marriage.
The king quite liked the man so he'd gladly give his daughter, but he thought that if he asked for nothing the man might be insulted, so he decided to ask for something easy to find.
He took a look at his ping-pong table, and remembered that he hadn't played for long because he had lost the balls. So he said "You can marry my daughter if you bring me some ping pong balls."
The man bowed and left. The king and princess were waiting for him for months, and eventually almost gave up on him thinking that he had changed his mind. But eventually the man came back, covered in bruises and with half his bones broken.
"What happened?" the king said. "I thought it would be an easy task to ask of you!"
And the man said "Your majesty, how easy did you really think it would be to bring you King Kong's balls?"

Indrid Cold

05-07-2007, 11:05 PM

A tortuise family, dad, mum and kid, decide to have a picnic. So they gather up their stuff and leave their house. 2 months later. they're in the country. After they open the basket, they realise they forgot the bread at home, so the dad sends the kid to go bring it.
"No way!" the kid says, "You'll just start eating without me and by the time I get back there will be nothing left but bread!"
They assure him they won't start eating until he's back with the bread, and the kid grudgingly leaves.
The dad and mum wait for him for 2 months. "By now, he'll be at home" they say.
4 months after he left, he's still not there. "Maybe something delayed him on the way" his parents say.
6 months after he left, he's still not there. "Maybe he lost his way" the parents say.
A year after he left, they decide that he probably won't ever come, and start eating. Then the kid tortoise pops out from behind a tree and says "A-ha! I knew you wouldn't wait for me!"

clementine_the_tangerine

05-07-2007, 11:18 PM

a dyslexic walked into a bra ...

boom boom tch

-mihkel-

06-07-2007, 12:22 AM

A teenage girl had just been given family car privileges. One Friday night, she returned home very late from a party.

The next morning, her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning.

At 11:30, the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen and her father asked her, "What time did you get in last night"?

"Not too late, Dad," she replied nervously.

Dead-panned, her father said, "Then I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."

lea_uk

12-07-2007, 08:33 PM

What is the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.....
-------------------------------------------------

All across the kingdom, the news travelled quickly that the Queen?s bell-ringer, who faithfully served the royal family for decades, had passed. The Queen made the royal decree that she was looking for someone to come and take his place.

The next day, a humble peasant was first in the long line of applicants for the job. ?My Queen,? he entreated her, ?since I was a youth, I have always wanted to serve our kingdom and the royal family in this way. Let me be your bell-ringer, and I will serve in earnest all the days of my life.?

The Queen appreciated the peasant?s words, but was puzzled. ?My humble servant, I have but one question: how can you serve the kingdom as the royal bell-ringer? You don?t have any arms!?

The peasant smiled and said simply, ?Take me to the tower and I will show you.?

The Queen, her entourage, and the peasant climbed the steps of the bell tower until they reached the top. The peasant looked over his shoulder at the queen, ?Behold!? And with that, the peasant ran to the far side of the room, spun around and ran directly at the bell. Faster and faster he ran then leapt, flew through the air, and?WHAM!?hit the bell full-force with his face.

Stunned, the Queen hesitated. But, when she heard the bell peal as never before, she told the peasant, ?the position is yours.?

Weeks went by as the peasant served faithfully and punctually, and always in the same way: he would run across the room, spin around, charge directly at the bell, leap, and?WHAM!?hit the bell full-force with his face.

Until, that is, one fateful morning when the peasant woke up late. Certain he could still make it in time, he ran from his common home, tore across the kingdom, scrambled up the tower, across the room, spun, leapt and?missed the bell entirely! He instead flew across the room, out the nearby window and plummeted a thousand feet to his death.

Having heard the commotion, the castle guards ran upstairs to find the empty room. They looked out the window to find a crowd gathering around the peasant?s body. The one guard looks at each other and says, ?My God?that poor man! Have you any idea who he is??

The other:

(wait for it!)

?I don?t know, but his face rings a bell.

The next day, the queen once again held auditions for the position of bell ringer. Believe it or not, once again there was a armless guy in the line-up.

Intrigued, the queen called him over and he explains the previous guy was his twin brother and that he?d like to try and audition in his honour.

The queen grants his wish and so up to the bell tower they go. Exactly like his brother the peasants runs to the far side of the room, spins around and runs directly at the bell. Faster and faster he runs then leaps, flies through the air, andâ??

BAM

completely misses the bell and sails out of the window behind the bell, dropping to the ground, dead.

The guard down below hollers up to the queen and entourage: ?who was that??

Answers the queen:

?I don?t know, but he is a dead ringer for his brother.?

--------------------------------------------------

Two fish in a tank. one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A fish swims up river, hits a wall. DAMN!
----------------------------------------

Did you hear about the two antennae that got married? The wedding wasn?t much but the reception was great.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So this sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender comes over and says ?I?m sorry, but we don?t serve food.?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Man walks into a bar, with a _huge_ newt on his shoulder. He goes to the bartender and says ?a beer for me and a whiskey for Tiny?. The drinks arrive, he drinks the beer and holds the whiskey up to the newt, that laps it up. He orders a few more drinks and eventually the bartender, overcome by curiousity, says ?That thing?s bloody huge, so why do you call it Tiny??

To which the man replies ?Because he?s my newt?

sorry for the random questions marks they weren't there when I copied the jokes.

ihatewriting

29-07-2007, 03:39 PM

Indrid Cold , HAHAAA
I like it....:shocking: :shocking: :shocking:

lea_uk

06-09-2007, 11:38 PM

A man says to his mate “I think my wife is having an affair.” And his mates asks him how he knows and he replies “we’ve moved 80 miles and we still have the same milkman.”

kleefarr

04-10-2007, 02:44 PM

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little your self
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements, she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:

1. Show up naked
2. Bring beer

YellowSkirt

05-10-2007, 08:11 PM

^^amen!!! :)

Indrid Cold

05-11-2007, 10:19 PM

Three race horses are arguing about which one is better. "I've run in 20 races", says the first horse, "and won 5 of them". The second horse says "What are you talking about? I've run in 40 races and won 20." The third horse says "You're both useless. I've run in 60 races and won 40."
A dog who was sitting around there hears the conversation and says "Look, obviously I've only taken part in dog races, but I've run in 100 won 99 of them."
The horses are astounded. They stare at each other for a moment, then at the dog, then back at each other, until one recovers from the surprise a bit and finally says "Unbelievable! A talking dog!"

Namaste

13-11-2007, 05:04 PM

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: 'I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you'.

She answers, ' My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.

'She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'maybe we will see what we can do.

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' said the nun, why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party

kleefarr

19-12-2007, 02:49 PM

A family is at the dinner table.
The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?????

Father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts.

In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.

In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After 50, they are like onions".

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through
three phases.

In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree".

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

Indrid Cold

19-12-2007, 03:30 PM

WARNING: The following is not for the impatient or the faint of heart, and has somewhat explicit and perhaps shocking content.

PART 1
A biker had a friend who was a very smart scientist. As the petrol prices went high, the biker decided he was having no more of it. He took his bike to his friend and said "I don't know how you'll do it, I don't care how much it will cost, but I'm sure it will be worth it in the long run: Make my bike burn something cheaper than petrol."
The scientist thought of something, and a few days later called his biker friend. "It's ready, come here and I'll show you. I don't mean to be arrogant, but I'm a freaking genious!" The biker went to the scientist's house, excited to see what he had done. When he got there the scientist began to explain: "I've just made a small modification, and your bike can now go for hundreds of miles without needing to be refilled. And do you know what it burns? Simply lube!"
The biker was amazed. He thanked the scientist, filled the deposit with lube, and went to try his bike. He drove miles and miles, trying to see how far he could go, stopping only for food and to spend the night in several hostels on the way. A few days later, the bike finally stopped working. Then the biker realised that it was the middle of the night, so all shops were closed, and also that he was in the middle of nowhere. Having nothing else to do, he started walking with his bike trying to find somewhere to spend the night.

PART 2
In a house far from the nearest city, lived a family with four members, the parents and their two daughters. Night after night they had arguments about who would do the dishes. None of them wanted to because they'd all rather do other things, but still they had to be done. It had now been a week that every night the argument got so big that they were mad at each other still.
After they finished their dinner for the day, the mother decided that this was enough. "We'll all sit here" she said, "and whoever speaks first after now or refuses to do something will do the dishes." The other three stayed silent. The father went on to watch TV in silence, the mother went to read a magazine in silence, the oldest daughter went to work on an assignment in silence, the youngest one started listening to music in silence.
A few hours later someone knocked on the door. The mother opened it and saw a young biker standing outside. "Excuse me" he said, "but my bike is out of fuel and I have nowhere to sleep. Could I stay here the night?" She just nodded and let him in. The biker then said "Excuse me again, but I'm also very hungry, I've not eaten anything since morning. Do you have any leftovers you could give me?" The mother just nodded again and brought him what little of the food was left.
After a while, as the biker sat with the father to watch TV (thinking it was very strange that nobody spoke to him) the oldest daughter came in the living room. The biker saw her and thought she was the prettiest woman he had ever seen. He went up to her and said "I've not been with a woman in days. Would you mind if...?" The daughter said nothing, so they just went to her room. After they were done they went back to the living room. The biker thought that the father might shout at him and kick him out, but the father said nothing.
A little after, the younger daughter came in the living room. The biker thought she was very beautiful and asked her to have sex with him. She didn't refuse and took him to her room. Later the biker went back out to the living room. The parents still didn't say anything to him. He was still feeling quite horny and laid his eyes on the mother. He thought she was also very pretty so he asked both her and her husband if they'd mind letting him have sex with her as well. They both nodded, so the biker and the mother went to their bedroom.
Finally, the biker was exhausted and sat back next to the father in the living room. Looking outside the window he saw that the sun was coming up. "I guess I should go soon" the biker said. Then he looked at the father and said "Oh, I almost forgot. Do you maybe have any lube I could borrow?"
Then the father stood up and said "Fine, I'll do the dishes."

lea_uk

22-12-2007, 10:32 PM

I was delivering to a DIY store in Bury, and asked a local if there was a B+Q in Bury, he said there was a B, but no Q.....

A man was on holiday in Ireland and he needed a new gas canister
for his caravan, so he approached a local in the street and asked
"excuse me, do you know if there is a B&Q in Dublin". "No" replied
the local "but there's 2 e's in Leeds".

Indrid Cold

24-12-2007, 12:41 PM

A couple suddenly want to learn Russian. They find someone to teach them and begin lessons.
A few lessons in, they're not really picking up the language and make mistakes all the time. Eventually the despair: "It's no use, we'll never learn it fast enough!"
The teacher is perplexed, and asks "But, why are you in such a hurry?
"Well, we adopted a Russian baby, and we want to understand him when he starts talking..."

SidVan

27-12-2007, 03:01 PM

Indrid Cold

03-01-2008, 11:14 PM

Count Dracula enters a bar, and asks for a glass of boiled water. They bring it to him, and then he takes a used tampon out of his pocket and dips it in. The bartender says "Why are you doing that?" and Dracula says "I wanted some tea".

clementine_the_tangerine

04-01-2008, 01:48 AM

bahahahahhaha i like it :D

clementine_the_tangerine

04-01-2008, 01:51 AM

oh oh this is one of my favourites ever

what did the snail say as it rode on the turtle's back?

..

..

.

wheeeeeeeee

clementine_the_tangerine

04-01-2008, 12:42 PM

lol ok i think you win the crown for that one

HeartshapedBox

04-01-2008, 04:21 PM

What did the bird say as he flew over Aldi?!!!!!!

*laughing already as this joke is lame*

He said "cheep cheep" :lol:

Well, I think its funny.

Haha that's quite funny :D

Man Of Kent

04-01-2008, 11:19 PM

Forty year old bloke goes into a bar and sees a really attractive woman sitting there, all alon. During the course of the evening she keeps making eye contact with him and showing him her stockinged legs, generally giving him the come-on.

Eventually he plucks up courage and starts talking to her. She's single, late fourties and apparently well up for a night of fun with him.

After a while the subject truns to sex and she's really getting forward.
After a while she asks him if he's up for some "mother/duaghter" action.

Bloke thinks all his prayers have been answered and so he jumps at the chance.

In the taxi on the way to her house, they are all over each other. Tongues and hands everywhere. Eventually they arrive at her house.

He says, "Are you sure about this?" "Sure" she says, "we've been talking about this for a while now and you seem like the perfect gentleman."

Her key finally finds the lock and she opens the door and calls out...

"Mum"...

Johnnyboy - V2.0

05-01-2008, 08:53 PM

A mans standing in line at a supermarket when he notices an attractive blonde woman smiling and waving at him from the aisles.

He starts to panic and tries to remember where he's seen her from. She approaches him and says hello.

He asks "were you in a club in Spain last year licking whipped cream off my chest?"

She says "No, Im your sons primary school teacher."

lea_uk

21-01-2008, 05:23 PM

When I die I want to die like my grandfather, peacefully in his sleep not screaming like his passengers.
-------------------------------------
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up
over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."
The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't
realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the
driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my
first day driving a cab, I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.
--------------------------------------
An old couple is in a taxi in America.
The taxi driver says "So which part of England are you folks from?"
The old man replies "From Yorkshire"
The old lady says "What did he say?"
The old man says "He asked which part of England we are from and I said Yorkshire"
The taxi driver says "I've been to Yorkshire once. I stayed with an old couple. The woman was horrible, a real bitch, it put me off on ever going back to England!"
The old lady says "What did he say?"
The old man says "The driver says he knows you!"
---------------------------------------
While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old man, the doctor asked his patient how he thought George W. Bush was doing as President.
The old man said, "Ya know, Bush is a post turtle."
Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was.
He said, "Did you ever drive down a country road and come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top? You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor thing down. That's a post turtle."

Jim V

21-01-2008, 05:28 PM

When I die I want to die like my grandfather, peacefully in his sleep not screaming like his passengers.

lol - lovin' that one :)

lea_uk

21-01-2008, 05:40 PM

lol - lovin' that one :)
I've had it written in a note pad for ages I've only just decided to post it. It made me giggle when I 1st heard it.

Dan the Man

28-01-2008, 07:07 PM

For those you as Jimmy Car might say "Without a moral compass"...

Horse walks into a bar
Barman asks "Why the long face?"
Horse replies "I've got AIDS"

HeartshapedBox

28-01-2008, 09:50 PM

Funny one a mate told us, so he gets full cred. for me knowing it :)

Two dwarfs win the lottery, decide to go pay for a couple of high class prostitutes. Prostitues take them back to a posh hotel for a night of fun, but no matter what the first dwarf does, he can't get hard, spends the whole night feeling dead miserable, and this gets worse when he hears the other guy: "one, two..uhhhh." all night.

Next morning at breakfast, the first dwarf turns to the second: "I tell you, I had a hell of a time last night, no matter what I did I could not get hard", thinking his mate will gloat about the fun he had.

The other turns round: "Eh, you think you had a rubbish time, I had a worse one. I couldn't even get up onto the bed!"

lea_uk

29-01-2008, 12:43 PM

Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the ladies room there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one wish is granted. However, if one tells a lie then with a ?POOF? you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.
So, a redhead of questionable looks walks into the ladies room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world."
?POOF? The mirror swallows her.
Next a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the sexiest woman alive."
?POOF? The mirror swallows her.
Then an absolutely gorgeous blonde comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think. . . ."
?POOF?

Hyacinth Girl

30-01-2008, 02:53 PM

kleefarr

03-02-2008, 12:17 PM

..when a stranger carrying a new golf bag called out to them.

"Hey! Do you guys mind if I join you? My partner didn't show up."

"Sure," they said, "come on." They started playing. They enjoyed the game, the day, and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the stranger, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm an assassin," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was their shocked response.

"No, I'm not," he said. He reached into his golf bag and pulled out a magnificent H & K sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here one of my tools."

That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

He picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow... I can see my wife in our bedroom... and.... she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my next door neighbour in there with her. He's naked too!"

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"For you, given the circumstances, I'll give you a flat rate. A thousand bucks every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife. She's always been a big mouth, so shoot her in the mouth."

"Then shoot my neighbour. He's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off. Teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and aimed, standing perfectly still for several minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the golfer, impatiently.

"Just take it easy," said the hit man calmly,

.... "I think I can save you a grand here."

kleefarr

04-02-2008, 12:13 PM

Jeremy Beadle has requested that his remains be recycled into compost and scattered on his garden.

ITV sources say he could be back in early Autumn with ?Watch Out Beadle?s A Sprout?

http://i22.photobucket.com/albums/b347/KBL007/Scrapbook/TheVWBeadle.jpg?t=1202126063

RIP Jeremy. 8(

Skive

08-02-2008, 07:02 PM

What's the difference between and egg and a wank?

You can beat an egg! :D

Johnnyboy - V2.0

08-02-2008, 09:46 PM

What's the new and politically correct name for Lesbian?
Vagitarian

What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
Wipes his ass

purplebutterfly

08-02-2008, 09:48 PM

What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
Wipes his ass

:lol:

Johnnyboy - V2.0

08-02-2008, 09:50 PM

How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up
Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
They taste funny

Why did Captain Kirk pee on the ceiling?
He wanted to go where no man had ever gone before

Skive

10-02-2008, 07:28 PM

What happened to the monk who got his cock caught in the bell rope?

He tolled himself off.

HeartshapedBox

11-02-2008, 05:18 PM

might be offensive to some people but will post anyway;;

Two priests were in the shower one evening, realised they had no soap with them. Fr. Bob decided to run back to the soap, and thinking no-one would be around, he decided to leave getting dressed and just made a run for it to his room.

He picked up two bars of soap, and placed them one in each hand. He decided to run back to the showers, thinking all was clear, but just as he turned the corner, he saw three nuns approaching. Thinking fast, he pretended to be a statue.

"My goodness", said the 1st nun, "isn't that lifelike". She steps up for a closer look, and gives his manhood a tug. Startled, he drops the soap."Oh!" she says, "it's a soap dispenser!" The 2nd nun decides to try for herself, and pulling his manhood, she too gets a bar.

The 3rd gives a few pulls, then turns to the other two: "Sweet Jesus, isn't this amazing, it gives out hand lotion as well!"

Skive

13-02-2008, 08:58 PM

If you've got a green ballk in one hand and another green ball in the other what have you got?

Total control of Kermit. :D

dohc

14-02-2008, 12:59 AM

a dyslecsic man walks into a bra...........

JsT

14-02-2008, 01:00 AM

The real funny thing is that we had the same joke on the previous page........

http://vbulletin.thesite.org/showpost.php?p=2014336&postcount=322

dohc

14-02-2008, 01:13 AM

woops sorry never seen it! :banghead:

Melian

20-02-2008, 11:04 AM

I have just heard from a reliable source that Rafa Benitez is going to be sacked today by Liverpool regardless of what happens against Inter. He will be replaced by a joint-management team of John Barnes and Sammy Lee - apparently the Yankee owners reckon BarnesLee sounds like a winning combination to them!

kleefarr

21-02-2008, 03:10 PM

Confucius say.....

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run in front of car get tired.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok .

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

kleefarr

06-03-2008, 01:06 PM

LOVE STORY .....

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.
His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon ......
.
.
.
.
.

F**k off" she said, "they're for the funeral."

Indrid Cold

12-03-2008, 12:07 AM

Little Bob was terrible at mathematics. His parents tried everything: home schooling, schools for learning difficulties and anything they could think of. In the end they sent him to a catholic school.
The first day, the moment Bob came home he went straight to his room without a word and started studying mathematics. He didn't get out until they called him for dinner, which he ate quickly and went straight back to studying.
This kept happening day after day, and finally a few months later he gave them a report card that showed he had an A+ in mathematics. "That's nice" his parents said, "but how come you started studying so much?"
"On the first day at this school, I saw this guy nailed on the plus sign and so I knew that these people don't kid around!"

Indrid Cold

12-03-2008, 12:15 AM

Little Bob went home one day and said "Mum, the teacher asked us to ask our parents how kids are made." His mum said "Not now, I'm peeling potatoes. "Please, tell me!" Bob insisted, so in the end she showed him a potato and said "Here, children come out of this. Bob was amazed, took the potato and put it in his pocket.
Next day at school, the teacher asked kids for their answers. She asked little Johnny first. "Babies are brought by the stork!" he said, and Bob started laughing "Oh, you're so, so wrong!"
Then she asked little Helen, and she said "God brings little kids home!" Bob started laughing again. "Who told you that stupid thing?" he asked and little Helen started to cry.
So the teacher asked Bob: "So why don't you tell us, if you know everything?" Bob then stood up and put a hand in his pocket, saying "Shall I get it out?" "NO!" the teacher replied. "Really, shall I get it out?" "I said, no!"
And Bob said"You're being so strange. You don't want me to get it out, but you think it's nice when you eat it!"

kleefarr

13-03-2008, 11:25 AM

:D /\/\ Good one Ingred. :thumb:

kleefarr

13-03-2008, 11:26 AM

This really works...! If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

Teagan

13-03-2008, 12:32 PM

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young sons' innocence, the mother turns around and says "Don't worry. That was an insect."

To which one of the boys replies "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

kleefarr

18-03-2008, 01:22 PM

kleefarr

18-03-2008, 01:22 PM

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as
her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands
together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be
all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked 'How does that feel?'

He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'

g_angel

18-03-2008, 02:00 PM

A midget walks into a brothel...

... and gets a twat in the face.

*Ithanksyou*

StrubbleS

18-03-2008, 05:29 PM

He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'

I... can't... breathe...
lol.

hilarious.

soraliah

18-03-2008, 06:07 PM

what do you call a man who swims the english channel with no arms and no legs?

.. clever dick

= my mums favourite joke :rolleyes:

Indrid Cold

11-04-2008, 01:14 AM

A COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS:

"Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley's Comet will be visible in this area; an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it."

EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER:

"By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley's Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years."

COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT:

"By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halley's Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the battalion area, the Colonel will give another order, something which occurs once every 75 years."

LIEUTENANT TO SERGEANT:

"Tomorrow at 2000 hours, the Colonel will appear in the theater with Halley's comet, something which happens every 75 years. If it rains, the Colonel will order the comet into the battalion area."

SERGEANT TO SQUAD:

"When it rains tomorrow at 2000 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old General Halley, accompanied by the Colonel, will drive his comet through the battalion area theater in fatigues."

ONE SOLDIER TO ANOTHER:

"The general will come on a Harley in the rain, like a comet, wearing fatigues."

kleefarr

11-04-2008, 02:18 PM

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.

In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

While Samurai Bank are soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank are reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

HunnyPot

12-04-2008, 04:00 PM

Four young male midgets are sat in the pub on a Friday night, extremely bored, wondering what to do.

One suggests bowling, the others can't be bothered. One suggests going clubbing, the others can't be bothered with that idea either. Then one suggests putting their money together and getting a prostitute for the night. The others think it's a brilliant idea. They put their money together and go to the nearest brothel.

They get shown into a room with a queue of beautiful women to choose from to spend the night with. They spend a long time arguing over who to pick but finally they agree on a tall, slim redhead woman in her late 30s.

They go to her "boudoir" and start taking their clothes off. The prostitute sits on the bed thinking to herself what a crap night she's being let in for, as the four midgets argue what position to make love to her in. They find a pile of kinky gear in the corner of the room, including whips and chains. They come across a spring they can jump up and down on, and they come up with a unique plan. They decide she can stand up while they jump up and down on the spring, taking it in turns to climb on.

In the morning all five are lying on the bed with the woman in the middle, smoking a cigar each.

"Wow!" The woman groans huskily. "That's the best night of passion I've had all my life. What's your secret." To which they reply, in unison...

"It's the four sprung dwarf technique!"

solidgoldtelephone

16-04-2008, 11:02 PM

three couples are seated at a table in a hotel: americans, english, and scottish. the american says to his wife: "honey, will you pass me the honey?". the englishman says to his: "sugar, will you pass me the sugar?". the scotsman thinks to himself "god, i have to come up with one..." so he turns to his wife: "hawww cow, pass me the milk." (:

Indrid Cold

24-04-2008, 12:56 PM

On Noah's ark, a few days after the flood all animals can't hold out any more and start having sex all the time. The ark shakes a lot and is in danger of capsizing.
To avoid that happening, Noah gives each male animal a card with a day of the week and its species on each one, saying "You can only mate with your partner on that day."
The next day, the male monkey goes up to his wife and says "Get ready: On Tuesday you're going to suffer!". The female monkey is embarassed, since that happened in front of all the other animals.
The next day, as the animals are at the dinner table, the monkey says again to his wife "I'm telling you, on Tuesday you're going to suffer!" This goes on day after day, until the female monkey tells Noah what's going on.
Noah finds the male monkey and says "Why can't you hold on for a few days, instead of embarassing your wife in front of everyone?"
The monkey replies "It's not that I can't hold on, it's a warning. I lost my card in a poker game and now the elephant has it."

Indrid Cold

25-04-2008, 07:26 PM

A blonde has just withdrawn a lot of money from a bank. When she walks out, a thief comes running and takes her purse. The blonde starts screaming for help, and suddenly a man on a horse appears, wearing clothes and hat, a cloak and a mask on his face, all of which are black, carrying a sword. He stops the thief and takes the purse back, then uses his sword to carve a Z on the thief's shirt.
Then he takes the purse back to the blonde and she says "Thank you, Zuperman!"

kleefarr

27-04-2008, 01:00 PM

:)

CHINESE SICK LEAVE: 'I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!'

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon........ You got nice house.'

Teagan

30-04-2008, 04:27 PM

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were
shouting ,'13....13....13'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.

Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

kleefarr

30-04-2008, 04:58 PM

lol

kleefarr

09-05-2008, 01:51 PM

WHY SENTENCE STRUCTURE IS IMPORTANT

The boss had to fire somebody and he narrowed it down to one of two people - Debra or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went straight to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The boss approached her and said: 'Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off.'

'Could you jack off?' she says. 'I feel like s**t.'

razzi_del_rossi

09-05-2008, 02:05 PM

what do you call a guy with no shins?

Tony :D

wooooooooah

09-05-2008, 03:10 PM

What's brown and taps on windows?

A baby in a microwave.

peanut budha

14-05-2008, 10:34 PM

a beautiful blonde visits the doctor. "My husband won't make love to me" she says, " he thinks i've got teeth down there !". The doctor says to her " no problem, tonight is a full moon. stand at the top of the stairs in your most revealing negligee, so that the moonlight shines through and call him to you by whispering his name. There 'aint a man alive will be able to resist you". The blonde says "only one problem ... it's that time of the month !" The doctor smiles and says "even better ... he'll think you've had your teeth out !". :crazyeyes

StrubbleS

17-05-2008, 12:33 PM

A friend told me this one yesterday. I roared for a while.

What's white and troubles you while eating?

- AN AVALANCHE!
ba dumm ching.

Indrid Cold

19-05-2008, 07:55 PM

Johnnyboy - V2.0

19-05-2008, 08:32 PM

Warning: Shocking one. And definitely the type that most of you won't think is funny :p

A man is called by his boss to the latter's office one morning. The following discussion takes place:
-Listen, I've noticed that you don't come to work on Mondays, every week, since you were hired. Normally, I'd fire you for this, but they've told me that the rest of the week you work really hard, so I thought I'd bring you here so we can discuss it. I know you always call and say you're sick, but I don't believe it. So: Why are you skipping work every Monday?
-Well, it's kind of embarrassing... You see, my sister has been having trouble with her husband lately, every Sunday night he comes home drunk and the next morning they have a fight about it, which makes him go out and leaves my sister in tears. So she calls me there, you see I feel for her. And as I'm hugging her and everything, I start to get really horny, and it's the same with her, so it always ends up to the bed squeaking, if you see what I mean.
-What? Are you serious? You're having sex with your sister??? You're sick!
-Well, I did tell you I was sick, you just didn't believe me!

:lol:

A chemist and and his assistant were working as normal in their shop when a man walks in and asks to buy some condoms. The chemists gives him the condoms and the man starts giggling, then he leaves the shop.

The next day the man comes back does the same thing.

The day after that, the same man comes back and does the same thing again when the chemist decides to find out why he does this. He tells the assistant to follow him to see where he goes, which he does.

an hour later the assistant comes back and hes giggling.

the chemist says "so where did he go?"
the assistant says "your house."

Teagan

27-05-2008, 03:00 PM

A blonde gets a job as a teacher.
She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'You ok?' she says.
'Yes.' he says.
'You can go and play with the other kids you know.' she says.
'It's best I stay here.' he says.
''Why?' says the blonde.
The boys says: 'Because I am the f#cking goalie'

Teagan

27-05-2008, 03:02 PM

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring.

The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000' the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. 'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend! :p

*deleted*

01-06-2008, 08:27 PM

What you call a blonde with pink pig tails?

A blow-job with handles :razz:

chaos_insomniac

11-06-2008, 08:50 AM

Why does the avon lady walk funny?

Her lipstick :lol:

chaos_insomniac

11-06-2008, 08:51 AM

kleefarr

11-06-2008, 02:31 PM

Great stuff guys. :D

kleefarr

11-06-2008, 02:32 PM

HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

God went to the Arabs and said, 'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'
The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'
'Can you give us an example?'
'Thou shall not kill.'
'Not kill? We're not interested.'

So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, 'Honour thy Father and Mother.'
'Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested.'

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'
'Not steal? We're not interested.'

Then He went to the French and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'
'Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, 'I have Commandments.'
'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'
'They're free.'
'We'll take 10.'

There... that should offend just about everybody.

;)

kleefarr

18-06-2008, 08:36 AM

Don't take your wife to the strip club...

Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and
plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too
hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no,"
says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and
brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she
know that you drink Budweiser?

"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a
Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob
starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobby. Want your usual
table dance, big boy?"

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the
door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him
for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at
him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the
book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch
this time."

Johnnyboy - V2.0

20-06-2008, 09:19 PM

why do builders have see-though lunch boxes?
So they can tell if there coming home or going to work.

JavaKrypt

20-06-2008, 09:48 PM

One night this guy and his girlfriend are about to go into his apartment. Before he can open his door his girlfriends says, "Wait a minute. I think I can tell how a man makes love by the way he unlocks his door."

"Give me some examples", the guy replies.

"Well, if a guy shoves his key into the lock, and open the door hard, then that means he's a rough lover and that isn't for me. If a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, that means he's inexperienced and that isn't for me either." Then she says, coyly, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"

"Well, first before I do anything else, I lick the lock."

xD

StrubbleS

21-06-2008, 12:50 PM

i have one, which is incredibly cool in german, because of the word order and it's terrible over the internet, face-to-face it's a killer.

What does a jewish pedophile say to the toddler?

Do you want candy? ......... It's 50p.

Indrid Cold

21-06-2008, 09:28 PM

A man on a balloon realises he's lost. He brings his balloon lower and sees another man under him. He goes even lower and shouts:
-Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend that I'd meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.
The man from below replies:
-You're in a warm-air balloon at the height of about 15 metrews. You are at 38 degrees west longitude and 23 degrees north latitude.
-Are you an IT guy, by chance? the flying man asks.
-Yes I am, how did you know?
-Everything you've told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with the information that you gave me and I'm still lost. In fact, you didn't help me much so far.
-Then you must be a manager.
-Indeed! How did you guess?
-You don't know where you are, nor where you're going. You've gone this far up thanks to a big bubble. You gave a promise that you don't know how to stay true to, and you're expecting people below you to solve your problems. The fact is that you're at exactly the same situation you were before you asked me, but, somehow, now it seems to be my fault.

Teagan

27-06-2008, 10:53 AM

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework.
He said that it took a couple days before he could see a result but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Canada. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married an English girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a handyman.

God Bless English Women!!! :)