Totally confused - please help

[hydrogen]

Wow, what a great site, I wish I had known about it sooner...

I have a REAL problem that I'm not sure how to solve... maybe all of you can offer some advice to me... it seems complicated to me.

I've been seeing my girlfriend for some time now (over 6 years). Until that last few months things have been ok (all relationships have ups and downs). Lately however, we haven't felt "attached" to each other. Both of us are very depressed about it.

I'm not really sure why we've become like this, it just seemed to happen so quickly.

I've done my best to bring a little excitment into our relationship again - romantic weekends away with her, spending as much quality time as I can with her, etc... but she doesn't seem to respond to it very much.

We've talked about this a lot in the past, and we decided that we wanted to stay together and try to make things work.

She never wants to be intimate with me (even her kisses are different now), she tells me she doesn't feel close to me - but nothing I try seems to work.

I'm not trying to rush the situation at all, but I think things are going SO slow that they are going to fall apart before they have the chance to get better.

This is where things start to get interesting....

A few days ago I found some interesting posts between her and a friend of hers. I wasn't snooping at all, I respect her personal and online privacy. They were quite flirtatious in their context. I was crushed. I thought I had been working so hard all along only to find this. I let myself boil for a few days over it, talked to some friends and asked their opinions.

One of these friends was a girl I've known for some time. She is very special to me and we always help each other out in situations like this. I followed her advice and confronted my girlfriend about what I had found.

She told me that she was just "playing around" with her friend and that things went too far... she never meant to hurt me, or make me doubt her in any way. She swore to me it would never happen again.

We decided that we would stay together to work things out.... but I don't know that I can. This is ALWAYS on my mind now. I want to be able to trust her, and I don't think she has ever cheated on me, but I've lost a lot of trust in her. It bothers me that she would flirt with another guy like that.

This is where things start to get REALLY interesting....

This girl I was talking to about my problem... well, I've always had feelings for her, and seeing her as brought them back... TEN FOLD. The problem is that she currently has a boyfriend (I'm not sure how happy they are together though). I don't feel lust for her, nor do I feel some sort of attachment to her for helping me through a difficult time... it is a genuine caring, and perhaps the start of a love...

So here's my problem:

I have a girlfriend that I've lost a lot of trust in, and that things feel like they are falling apart. I have a friend that I want to tell how I feel about her, but I don't want to hurt her.

So, what do I do in a situation like this? I don't want to be selfish... but I want to be happy, and I want to hurt as few people as possible.

Help?!?

[Pauldnh]

WOW major! I only know what you have told me so If I am wroong in saying sommet then tell me.

Well 6 years is a hell of a long time to be with a person. How old are you both? Have you spoke about getting hitched. After 6 years you would expect to be sure they are the 1. So maybe she is getting abit bored of waiting.

If I were you I would not take the thing with that friend 2 serious. I know loads of people in relationships who do that and it's just a bit of fun! Don't make out to be this major thing where you can't trust her anymore. Also coz you have been together so long maybe she feels like she is missing out something and needs a break. I know couples who have done that and realised after being apart how much they love eachother and how no1 else can make them as happy as you can.

I think that if your realtionship was going perfect then you would not be really interested in your friend. I am on a break from my girlfriend and lots of other girls become obvious to you. It is hard but I would STAY AWAY form telling her how you feel, coz if your girlfriend found out then you would be worse than her for flirting.

If I think of anything else then I will be sure to tell you. Be prepared to accept that your current girlfriend may not be the 1 but don't think she aint before you know for sure.

[hydrogen]

I'm 23, and she's 22. Marriage is not something either of us want right now. Not only are we too young in our minds.


As for wanting a break, I've asked her about that. I've asked her if she has the desire to see other people or just for us to cool things off for awhile.... but she says no.

As far as my friend, I've always had feelings for her, hidden deep down inside of course.

I'm just very frustrated, confused and depressed.

[Pauldnh]

Oh lord this is a big problem! Well all the normal things which usually cause problems are not doing here. Have you sat her down and really let her know EXACTLY how you feel about EVERYTHING.
Girls seem to want things put to them in black and white, so maybe eyeballing her will force her to think why she is being so distant with you. I still really think that you should stay silent about your feelings for this girl, and I think you should spend less time with her too. The more you are around her with the way she is, you will become more attracted to how good it seems to be with her.

So until you are more clear on what is going on with your girlfriend then I strongly suggest that you stick by her. Then you will know for sure one way or the other where you stand. You seem a very loving and dedicated man and I really feel for you coz I am in a similar situation but nowhere near as serious.

[steadyonabix]

Hi
Any chance of some more detail about your girlfriend? Stuff like if she comes from a broken home, did her father leave etc. Also if she has been in a previous relationship how did it end, does she blame her ex?

I would also like to know if you feel that nothing you do is right in your relationship.

Good luck anyay

Steadyonabix.

[Cheeky Monkey]

Hi
Well i think Pauldn is speaking quite a lot of sense in some ways, but on the other hand i totally disagree.

If things between u and ur bird arent goin well and havent been 4 a while then u've got 2 ask urself"Where's this goin?" Sometimes wen things get bad u reach the point of no return, and i know its hard but maybe its time 2 finish it.

Its sounds as if these feelings 4 ur friend r VERY strong so i think u should tell her about them. If u feel something special 4 her go 4 it! This could b ur soulmate, the perfect girl 4 u, but ur 2 late in gettin her cause ur wasting ur time tryin 2 fix a broken relationship.

Another thing is the cheating. How can u ever trust her again? Every time she's out u'll b wondering "Who's she with? Whats goin on between them?" I cheated on my boyfriend i'd been with for a year and a half after he'd done it 2 me, but after the 1st time doin it i kept on cheatin, so did he, and we split. U cant have a relationship without trust.

Good luck*

[Pauldnh]

The reason I told him not to tell his friend is coz she is in a relationship. She may react badly to him telling all his feelings and it could ruin their friendship. Also it would be sooo cruel on the other guy.

Also he sounds like he loves his girlfriend, so until he know's exactly what is going on, then risking a 6 year relationship for someone who may not even like him is a bit silly. With the trust thing she was only flurting over an internet chat thing. I hardly call that cheating and I can't really agree with the statement that you can have a relationship without trust.

Sorry Cheeky I do respect your views alot but just not here.

[Pauldnh]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Sorry Cheeky, it's very late and I missed the "t" off can. I totally agree with the staetment you made. Sorry I must need glasses or something.

[laws]

Firstly, I dont think her thing with the friend would constitue cheating, unless I've missed it out and she's actually done something with them.
Secondly, dont tell your mate you fancy her!! If she's in a relationship with this bloke and she's happy, then she'll have to turn you down, then avoid you for a while (probably). And then who will you turn to with your problems?
Thirdly, I really admire you for sticking at this relationship and trying to make it work. But the question is, are you succeeding?

You've been together for a very long time, she's naturally a very big part of your life, and it must seem very difficult for you to imagine life without her. But if the situation has been like this for a long time, and you're both trying to make it work, but failing, then maybe the best thing is just to split up.

I know it seems hard, and you want to keep trying, but it sounds to me (and please correct me if I'm wrong, because I really dont want to be right) like you're flogging a dead horse (so to speak). If you carry on like this you might end up hating each other, which I'm sure you wont want to do. Chances are that you'll always care for each other, but sometimes it isnt enough. And in this case (from what I've heard) it isnt.

[Zorro]

mmmmm, have you had sex yet? When you say you don't want to rush anything, maybe she wants to be rushed off her feet?
If that doesn't work then who is the better looker? If it's the other girl then go with her! You can confide in her, have complete trust in her and have feelings of love for her! If you can't trust someone then sooner or later things are gonna fall apart. TRUST ME on this as I am in a similar situation now. If anyone wants to know about ME then just ask, I might feel better to unload!
Hope this helps!

[Caliph]

Six years is a really long time, if its been working for that long I think u should carry on trying. Don't get involved with your friend unless you're certain you're finished, if she turns you down you'll be totally screwed. Consider seeing a relationship therapist, if its been going on for 6 years don't just give up on it, a lot of relationships go through tricky periods.