Dealing with - change out with the old in with the new

[byny]

Hiya all.

Short history... Last Dec I finally split with my boyfriend of 12 years. However for the past 9 months I have been living inthe same house with him, while conducting a new relationship with the man who made me realise I had to get out of the bad relationship. For the past 9 months I have been travelling to see the new man, staying at his, getting to know him but the whole time always having to go back to the house I shared with the ex and never being able to have new man over to my place.

This all changed last weekend when I finally got my own new house round the corner from new man and sold the old one. So now I can have new man over, he can see how I live, I can pop round to see him if I want to. it's all good.

But...

I'm slightly freaking out about it. Even though we've been together for 9 months and known eachother longer, I am finding it really hard to adjust to a 'normal' relationship. I am finding it hard to get the balance right between not appearing like a crazy stalker who wants to spend all her time with her boyfriend and a distant indepenent woman who needs a bit more space to sort her head out.
When my boyfriend calls to suggest that we have dinner together (To cook something either at mine or his) I can't help immediately thinking 'but I saw you yesterday, surely we shouldn't see eachother today too'. Basically I can't handle spontaneity because I have been so used to us having set times to see eachother due to my previous circumstances.

I am 37, I have been with someone for 12 years and I am finding it hard to be in another coupling I guess. I've only been in my house a few days and already I feel a bit suffocated because out of the last 8 nights I have spent 7 with the new man! yet our intention is to move in with eachother at some point so why am I being so freaked out!

Should I say to him that I need some time on my own, I feel like that's unfair because we are a couple and he's been such a massive support. I don't want 'a break' I just want to feel normal. Is it just time which will do this?

[StupidGirl]

I don't blame you for feeling a bit suffocated. After a 12 year relationship, to go straight into another one is always going to be difficult no matter how much more positive the new relationship is. I always think that after coming out of a relationship, everyone should have time on their own to adjust to not having the other person around and get their own lives back in a sense. In this case I know that's not practical as you have already met someone else you want to be with, but it sounds like you are desperately in need of some "me-time" regardless. I think the key here is going to be communication with your new bloke. He sounds like a nice, caring person, so I would hope he'd be able to understand your need for a bit of space without taking it as a personal slight. You just have to be careful how you express it to him. My relationship with my bloke used to be quite suffocating too, we lived in each others' pockets and I depended on him so when we split up I had a big gaping hole in my life where he used to be which was very hard to get over. In the time we were broken up though, I re-built my life, firmed up my network of friends and became my own person again - and now we're back together, we have a much more balanced relationship. We see each other a lot, but also have a few nights a week away from each other, where we go out with our own friends or do hobbies etc and it's really helped us appreciate each other more.

I also wouldn't be in any rush to move in with this new guy either. It's great that you have your own place, I think it sounds like exactly what you need while you get to grips with not being constantly around your old boyfriend. I think if you move in with the new boyfriend too soon, you run the risk of transferring the negative feelings associated with the old relationship onto the new one. Nine months isn't that long to be with someone, and moving in with them is a very big step to take - why rush it? I think your new relationship will benefit hugely from you having the space (both physical and mental) to readjust to your new life, as your own person. I don't know if any of this makes any sense, but it seems to me that you have made a huge change in your life and need to adjust to that first before making another one.

Good luck, I hope it all works out for you :)

[byny]

Thanks for that - I have tried talking to him but it came out as if I was telling him I didn't trust him. I am so used to being in a crap relationship and just getting on with it (ie I lived with someone, we had history, but we really disliked eachother and so spent loads of time apart, even when we were in the house together) that I feel like this new closeness (I mean actually living near eachother now) is all a bit too strange. I wish I could just go with it and take it as it comes, but it's all so different to what i am used to.

I think I need to get out more and see my old friends a bit, and not always be so available to new man :)

[long lost lady]

Sounds like I am in a fairly similar situation to you, except that I am the equivalent of your new man.

I would say talk to him, there will be a way that you can say it without sounding like you want to be apart from him. If he is as lovely as he sounds then there's a way to make him understand, and he might even be expecting you to say something like that.

If my fella talked to me about this and said that he needed some me-time, I'm certain that I would be hurt to begin with but I'd also understand. He (and you) have just come out of long term relationships which ended slowly, and to me that implies that you need some time to establish yourself as an individual rather than as part of a couple, no matter how much you want to stay with him at the same time.

So...talk to him and let him know that you really want the relationship to work, but that you need some time to yourself as well. I'm positive that there's a way to say that that will let him understand, and once he understands hopefully he'll respect that :)

[byny]

such a sensible reply. I have spoken to him a bit more and I think a part of it is I am not really sure I deserve this happiness and so I am possibly trying to ruin it a bit! Tonight I will be on my own a bit, maybe seeing him later but neither of us have firm plans. I think it'll be ok.

[byny]

right ho - me again stressing again! I think I am messing up my new relationship slowly from the inside. Having been with someone I hated for so long I am now with someone I love, but I really don't know how to act. I want to be with him all the time but then my head says this is rediculous. I know I should be more independent, and I was incredibly independent until I met the new guy (basically just because i disliked the ex so much I pretty much did my own thing) but now I feel like I am letting my life revolve around him too much. This is causing stresses when he says that he might come and see me and then doesn't. I feel stupidly anxious when this happens (though it's not like he's broken a promise or anything) and then I start stressing with him. he's been really good about it, but I still can't seem to turn my mind off and be sensible.

I feel like I am using the 'I've just been through an incredible change' excuse far too much now and I can't keep using it to excuse my behaviour. On the other hand whenever I do try to talk frankly and openly about the way I am feeling I always seem to end up accusing him of things he hasn't done and then we end up all mixed up and upset.

I'm an adult and I should know better.