jittery today

[clementine_the_tangerine]

Today I feel really jittery. I can't get my meds that are supposed to combat my urge to self harm until Wednesday. So as a result or truthfully I decided to 'rebel' and self harmed last night.

I'm going out for a pub quiz tonight. The people I am going with know I self harm so part of me sees no biggie in covering it up. It's just a few scratches on one arm but another part of me thinks they'll be 'disappointed' in me and another part thinks that they will be so wrapped up in the quiz they won't notice.

Then in my personal amazing punk movement I decided to smoke a cigerette alone in my room and inhale. Cue a lot of coughing and going to bed smug in the knowledge that I've been 'naughty'. How sad is that. I'm twenty years old and got a kick out of smoking a cigerette in my room.

Seeing my therapist today which should be an upside but you know you just get that measley one hour and what do they do if you break down at 57 mins???

Another thing is I get so so paranoid about friends ever since my boyfriend dumped me because he 'can't deal with me' (in my defence I wasnt depressed then and just had a bout of tears over the sexual harassment thing at college). Then another bloke I considered a friend chucked me saying 'You're continueing down a path of self destruction and I can't be bothered with you'. All because I made a joke about him having a pattern in his top friends on myspace. It was BAND GIRLFRIEND BAND EX GIRLFRIEND...you see what I mean.

So now with a new friend who keeps flirting with me (which doesn't help) I get angry at because I can see through him. He does it with all his girl friends so when I get mad at him it comes across as being clingy when in fact I don't care who he flirts with just that he shouldn't think for one minute I'm a mug that will believe anything which I suppose is related to the whole boyfriend being a tit episode. But it's just annoying cuz whenever I have a go at him. I feel bad and then end up apoligising and he just makes me feel guilty like 'I wasn't hitting on you. I do that with all my girl mates'. So yeah I apoligise because I'm the paranoid, depressed person so surely it should be my fault.

Godd. I'm sorry I just wanted to type that all out.

[twisted_trinity]

i have the same problem with the therapist thing...i alway break down in tears with 5 mins to spare and she sends me home crying

[clementine_the_tangerine]

really? the system sucks

[SuzyCreamcheese]

the best thing is to try and get an idea of what you want to talk about before you go in. I know - easier said than done but it might help you get into it more and then youll be more open to productive talking earlier into the session

[twisted_trinity]

i find it hard just talking to her at all, especially as i´m now only going to be having 4 more sessions and then no more for six months, and tbh, i´m a wreck

[SuzyCreamcheese]

she very possibly isnt the right therapist for you then.

[SuzyCreamcheese]

If it was me I would tell her that you feel a wreck about it ending soon, and rachael start off with telling the therapist youre worried about it all coming out 5 minutes before the end. You might even be able to work on that. its noit all down to you, its doewn to her too

[brunettebarbie]

i find it hard just talking to her at all, especially as i´m now only going to be having 4 more sessions and then no more for six months, and tbh, i´m a wreck


thats really bad they are not giving you someone for those six months- i mean, ALOT could change... you need some stabiltly to ensure a better recovery.

[clementine_the_tangerine]

If it was me I would tell her that you feel a wreck about it ending soon, and rachael start off with telling the therapist youre worried about it all coming out 5 minutes before the end. You might even be able to work on that. its noit all down to you, its doewn to her too

Hi it went okay even if I did break down. Managed to time my tear flow at the begining so wasn't too bad. I told her about my dad's family and she seemed genuinely shocked and said it was 'cruelty' what they had done. So I like that she's kinda on my side and isn't making excuses. I haven't sent the letter yet but she thinks I have every right to.

Next appointment is talking about my relationship with my dad. She doesn't think realistically that I'm just going to stop self harming because I'm elbow deep in trauma but we are going to work on it :)

Still crying spontaneously but forcing myself to go out tonight.

[SuzyCreamcheese]

im glad it went well. it must give you some confidence

[clementine_the_tangerine]

a little, she is really nice my therapist thankfully.

[SuzyCreamcheese]

do you still have reservations about it then?

[clementine_the_tangerine]

therapy? yeah cuz i've told me 'story' to tons of people so it would be good just to have one person to talk to. having to repeat myself is hard and that's why some people have said i sound detached from the whole thing..but surprisingly today opened it all up so much that i was bawling and had to apoligise. appparently looking at the ceiling helps if you're gonna cry. haha