i knew this would happen

[clementine_the_tangerine]

i got dumped because i am making him depressed because i keep getting upset about the sexual harassment at college, he strung me along with the 'i dont know' so i left and SH'd and im upset and he told me on the phone. My mum is sleeping on the floor in my room because she doesnt want to leave me alone. We were together seven months and I trusted him. We were intimate last night and this morning.

I was upset this afternoon because of a comment on his myspace from my friend and his friend that said about the cinema they are planning to go to:

- i saw 28 weeks later, and Fracture. ok well you pick a day/time, and im all yours!! ;) hehe xx -

when he said do you want to go? when i was upset at his i then said 'you're chucking me out because im upset about being sexually harassed at college?' and he said yes.

[Knee High Stripy Socks]

Aw Rach, that's so shit. :( *hug*

What a wanker though, he should be supporting you through this, not dumping you.

[clementine_the_tangerine]

thanks, there was never a hint, i know i said it before but i was paranoid. we were so happy last night and this morning and he told me he loved me. he has never been horrible to me before, my mum even thought one day we might settle down because we are so suited.

[Indrid Cold]

:( So sorry to hear this... Take care please, do your best to take care.

[betsy]

Sorry to hear that. Though as others have said he should have been supporting you through this and he obviously hasn't been - so in the long run its probably for the best. Sorry though that must have been so shitty

[JsT]

:( Really sorry to hear this babe, hope your OK. I'm here if you wanna chat, even about Grimsby/Hull etc

:)

[clementine_the_tangerine]

i deleted myspace, i just want to delete everything

[Indrid Cold]

Hey, listen:
You've got a couple of twats in your life. This means nothing about YOU. Just do what you can to get rid of them and go on. If that one dumped you for that reason it's his loss, not yours.

[katralla]

Aw Rachael, that's totally shit. *HUGS* hopefully it will turn out to have been the better for you in the long run, but it's still shit when you needed his support. It's good your mum is looking out for you.

Take care

x

[Bri-namite]

It's 300% his loss darling, really. Hard for me to talk in anything other than cliches, but you're a stronger person that you give yourself credit for.

You know where I am, if you need to get stuff off your chest or even if it's just for a laugh about how you got lost on the London Underground, ok? xx

[1983]

Ah Rach! I'm sorry kiddo, but I would rather it was only 7 months down the line where he ran out on you than longer - it would hurt more.

Best you know his true colours so you can focus on someone worthwhile. I'm sorry it had to happen like this, because you don't at all appear to deserve it but if you do want a gab, PM me.

:heart:

[Kaff]

Basically what everyone else said. It'll feel shitter than shit now, but you deserve so much better.

x

[**helen**]

Rach, I'm so so sorry to hear this. The cowardly behaviour that some people display never ceases to amaze me and I expect that this guy will completely regret this further down the line. Be sure to reach out to people who make you feel good about yourself - you're a fab person and as Kaff says deserve so much better xx.

[lucifer devil]

sounds like he's shown his true colours and you're better off without sooner rather than later. i know what it's like when you think for so long that someone is something then they do something and you really start to question what you originally thought. chin up. xxx

[stargalaxy]

From what I read here, my conclusion is your boyfriend's conduct defies all sense. I've not seen anything this bizarre in ages. I don't know all the details about this sexual harrassment claim, although I have heard about it. Whilst I realise this must have put your relationship under strain, I remain unconvinced that this was the only issue that led to this break up. Either way, I suspect that there's more to come out yet.

And whatever you do, don't get intimate with him again. Not whilst all this is going on. It'll do none of you any favours.

[otter]

*hugs* :( though one day you might look back on all this and realize your better off without him...

[_guest]

I'm sorry Rach, I wish I could give you a big hug. I hope you're getting them from someone. Mum-hugs are always a great tonic.

This feels like a familiar situation to me, and I think any break up is made a helluva lot worse when it comes out of nowhere and you've been doing all the love-talk and being intimate just beforehand. He's a scumbag for doing those things in full-knowledge that he was contemplating a break-up. Use that scumminess as fuel for your healing process, if it helps. If not, remember that I'm sure his feelings for you are still there and he found it hard to resist being in "normal" relationship mode despite his thoughts. It doesn't make it right but it's a bit more understanable. I know that all those things happening just before the axe falls makes everything in the relationship seem false somehow, and makes you feel blindsided. It really hurts, you're going to be ok.

I think he's a selfish pig for doing that to you, but that's by-the-by.

With regard to the reasons he gave you, well unfortunately you can't change the way anyone else feels or how much they're able to cope with and support their partner - only they can do that. So if he decides he doesn't want to/can't go on with the relationship for whatever reason, then that really is it. It's so much easier said than done but I know from experience that the best thing is to accept it and walk away with your head held high because you definitely know (or should know) that it wasn't anything YOU did wrong. OK, I know you probably feel like you've done wrong at this point, and your head is flooded by the fact that he's always been a lovely guy. But not quite lovely enough, really. It's very early days in a breakup, I'm pretty sure this won't be the last you'll hear from him unless you decide you'd prefer it that way.

Remember that this isn't the end of the world. You may feel that way but, trust me, it isn't and despite what you think you are strong enough to deal with this. You more than likely feel he's special and everything was so good... and that there's just a mental barrier he needs to get through... or that you just need to not rely on him so much. But, sweetheart, his actions speak way louder than his words, and relationships hinge on being able to lean on one another for the most trivial and most serious of things. The bottom line seems to be that he's not able to do that. I doubt you take much comfort in the fact that it's better happening at 7 months than at the 3 year mark, but it is.

Dont put yourself through more confusion, try not to dissect it (this is impossible, I know!) and try not to read between the lines of what has happened in the past because you may be vastly misinterpreting things.

I - and so many others - know that this period is utter misery. I truly feel for you. But when put in this position you HAVE to move forward. I know you don't want to, it seems so fresh and bewildering and upsetting and infuriating. But you have to begin to think about yourself immediately, and your own feelings... and do what is absolutely the best thing for you from the word go. Having your mum around you is a wonderful asset, make no mistake. Lean on her, lean on your friends, lean on the people who post here. We WILL all help you make sense of this and get over this but please take into account the fact that you have to be your own nurse. Some of the best post-break-up "medicine" tastes really fucking awful - not contacting him, being strong, NOT self-harming... they're all bitter pills to swallow. But you have to dose yourself because that's how you'll feel better. I know you have very strong feelings for him, but ultimately you can't force him to be who you want him to be or to be a better boyfriend or make him behave differently. You have to be in control of how his behaviour makes you feel. To be honest with you it makes me feel like smashing his teeth in but maybe you're a bit more of a pacifist in these situations ;)

Stay out of contact with him. Make a promise to yourself to get some space between you and leave him alone to be who he wants to be. It's his loss, you'll recognise that one day. The rest will take care of itself. He'll either see that he loves you and he wants to be with you, or he doesn't. If it's the former then you're in a grand old position to tell him to stick it. You'll be ok. You may feel terrible right now, but it will get easier. This is how it is, unfortunately. Again, you will be ok.

We're all here for you, I hope you're being kind to yourself :)

[clementine_the_tangerine]

thankyou for everyone's replies, they are good to read after today, i have just got back from hospital, they were thinking about admitting me into the psychiatric ward but think ill do better with home visits from the early intervention team. they start tomorrow. i have pills to take to calm me down and some before bed so i can sleep unaided. at the hospital they said they were really worried about me because i couldnt gurentee i wouldnt harm again, i miss chris a lot and he hasnt been in contact but i didnt expect him to. i self harmed this morning with broken glass and had a and e check it over and its okay. i still feel pretty fucked and not like im living in this world but i dont know. with regards to college the people at hospital that i saw were shocked and advised my mum to ask to see their sexual harassment code

[guesty]

Im sorry to hear this has happened rachael, I hope you feel better soon. :)

[betsy]

I'm sorry to hear about that, Rachael. Remember take time for yourself and let those around you help you.

[clementine_the_tangerine]

i just wanted to say how much i appreciated folk replying because i cant deal with my friends; most are somehow linked to him in some way or another and this messageboard as well as another one i frequent and my mum are my only outlets but tomorrow some person will be visiting me at home. im just not looking forward to going to bed tonight

[lucifer devil]

no one is worth you doing things to yourself over, especially not stupid boys. he's not worth it. xx

[clementine_the_tangerine]

i just really do love him, this really felt like the real thing, it just went horribly wrong within an hour. it's all crazy

[Bri-namite]

It's all going round in your head justnow sweetheart, but try and take it one step at a time.

It won't seem like it now, but you got by before he came along and I promise you'll be so much stronger and be happy after him. There's always light at the end of the tunnel, but as I've said it won't seem like it now. Door is always open if you need another outlet or that, flower.

[hyper person]

you're worth so much more *hugs*

[Lu_C]

Aww hun, I'm so sorry that this has happened. *Big hugs*

[clementine_the_tangerine]

im still in love with him

[katralla]

you will be, you can't shut off your feelings just like that. Take your pills as directed and reach out for your mum, or phone a friend, or msn, or write on here when you have sh/depressive thought.

thinking of you

virtual hugs

x

[littlemissy]

Through all this, it would be extremely easy to just hide in a corner and pretend that everything is ok and just grieve inside, so I want to say well done (in a non patronizing manner) for actually seeking out help. You are such a lovely, bubbly person (from what I can gather from here) who doesn't deserve such shit. But continue getting help, allowing others in and the like and it *will* get better. You are worth so much more than that wanker, you deserve so much better.

Keep taking advice, keep your mum close and remember to take care of you. It will hurt so much now, but you need to remember to keep focussed and looking after yourself.

:heart:

[clementine_the_tangerine]

thanks i'll try

i have two drugs i've just taken zopiclone and clonazepam, one is a tranquiliser and the other is to help me sleep, just waiting for them to kick in before i go to bed and i have elastic bands on my wrist so it should be okay even if i do feel stupid

[littlemissy]

thanks i'll try

i have two drugs i've just taken zopiclone and clonazepam, one is a tranquiliser and the other is to help me sleep, just waiting for them to kick in before i go to bed and i have elastic bands on my wrist so it should be okay even if i do feel stupid

I took zopiclone for a while, and it is amazing. You'll be sleeping in no time whatsoever.

If you ever need to chat, just PM or whatever.

Sleep well, sweetie :)

[katralla]

I like zopiclone. If you can, go and lie down in a comfy possition so that when it kicks in (was quite quick when I took it) you will already be in bed.

[clementine_the_tangerine]

i think ill go to bed now then, my eyes feel pretty heavy, thanks again guys :)

[_guest]

Hope you managed to get a good night's sleep. Thinking of you x

[clementine_the_tangerine]

home visit happened and ended because they thought they were upsetting me. i told them i cant promise not to hurt myself and they are coming over tomorrow and even suggested once a month visit. its stupid. i make it clear i need help and they dont want to give it. the pills are working so i feel drugged up all of the time and numb. they dont want me to go into hospital because its not a nice place but i tell them i want to be somewhere i cant harm myself. no one listens. i self harmed this morning and cut my face down my cheek.

[lipsy]

I can't really empathise with self harming since it has never ever ocurred to me to hurt myself or cause pain in any way. But can't you just think to yourself this has got to stop? If you turn your emotions into anger at HIM instead of hurting YOU. He sounds like an utter twat. We don't know the full story, maybe he couldn't cope with the situation or maybe there was another reason which you don't know about yet. But he's used you (been intimate) and then dumped you and you should be feeling hate! Or at least try to. If you keep feeling sorry for yourself then it will just get worse and worse. You need to help yourself. I'll probably get flamed now because I "don't understand" but thats the way I see it.


eta: Also briggi gave some good advice on what positive steps you should be taking to help yourself move on from this. Get out the house too, go for walks, get some fresh air and think beyond the present. I hope I don't seem insensitive because you must be heartbroken but its horrible to think that you're hurting yourself.

[**helen**]

you should be feeling hate! Or at least try to.

:no: I think his behaviour has been extremely unfortunate, but I can't see she has any reason to hate this guy and it's rarely, if ever, a productive way to feel.

When you still love someone it can feel like your life will never be good again, but there's so many people on these boards who can testify to the fact that you can mend a broken heart. (http://www.thesite.org/sexandrelationships/singles/singlelife/mendingabrokenheart) You have a great future ahead of you, please don't forget how lovely and bright you are.

[lipsy]

:no: I think his behaviour has been extremely unfortunate, but I can't see she has any reason to hate this guy and it's rarely, if ever, a productive way to feel.


ok well maybe hate was the wrong word to use but I was just trying to say that she needs to channel her energies in a different direction.

[**helen**]

ok well maybe hate was the wrong word to use but I was just trying to say that she needs to channel her energies in a different direction.

Yes, that makes sense. :)

[clementine_the_tangerine]

they came again and were shit

[Scary Monster]

However much these people try they can't work magic for you, and they can't lock you up in a padded cell.

No one can force you to change your actions or how you are feeling, that has to come from inside you, and it will take time and support for that to happen.

It sounds like your mum is great, try and give the help you do get a reasonable opportunity to help your mum as well as trying to support you directly.

Like others have said, try not to let this take over your life, find things to do, go for walks, go for a run, go for a swim, polish the dinner service, clean the insides of all the windows at home to make them sparkle........

xx

[lucifer devil]

they came again and were shit

why were they shit? are you making the most of them being there, trying to get the most out of the visits?

[clementine_the_tangerine]

why were they shit? are you making the most of them being there, trying to get the most out of the visits?

i try to, they are nice but suggest the same things like elastic bands which iv tried and dont find useful..ice cubes etc. i tell them and i say im not trying to be deliberately unhelpful. i have kept a mood diary about today but feel like i cant go on. i decided it would be a good idea to sit in the pond in my garden and my mum ran me a bath probably because i stink and i screamed underwater and tried to hold my breath as long as i could. things arent working and any hope if there is any hope at all of me going to a clinic i have to wait until monday to just see the doctor of the clinic to discuss it and it's tuesday today

[lucifer devil]

well do they know these techniques with the elastic bands aren't working for you? you need to make it clear that you're being deadly serious.
i guess maybe because you're being.. well i'm not sure what the word is.. but you're making them aware that you need help and are being sensible in realising that you need it - so maybe they think you're perfectly rational?

[clementine_the_tangerine]

well do they know these techniques with the elastic bands aren't working for you? you need to make it clear that you're being deadly serious.
i guess maybe because you're being.. well i'm not sure what the word is.. but you're making them aware that you need help and are being sensible in realising that you need it - so maybe they think you're perfectly rational?

well im not a looney and i have told them what i need and they know about the elastic bands etc and they know i will continue self harming. i was given a helpline number by them for the crisis team and this poor confused asian bloke answered who passed me onto someone else who told me the same thing.

the good thing is i have taken the sleeping drug a few minutes ago so will just pass out from sleep rather than stay up all night thinking of ways to hurt myself.

the first night i took it i was too tired to even reach for my glass shard. my mum has taken the glass shards out of my room and the kitchen knife and the nail scissors in the hope i wont do anything.

i've already done crazy things today like decide to clamber into the pond, i dont think i was attempting a virginia woolf but i wanted the shock of the cold water and the inevitable cleaning up of myself afterwards and my mum ran me a bath and i held my breath underwater and screamed because someone reccomended screaming but i dont think it will do anyone any good to do it out in the open. i tried to hold my breath but trying to drown yourself or at least render yourself unconscious is a very difficult thing to do.

[lucifer devil]

it's really good that you're taking positive steps by reaching out for help - just make sure you stay strong in the mean while. you WILL come through this.. it might be hard on the way but you will come through it. so please don't do anything silly. xx

[Kaff]

However much these people try they can't work magic for you, and they can't lock you up in a padded cell.

No one can force you to change your actions or how you are feeling, that has to come from inside you, and it will take time and support for that to happen.

:yes:

That's the skinny.

I really feel for you, I do, cause I know exactly how you feel. And I remember year after year of appointments and assessments and what felt like nobody doing anything. And I remember the clawing desperation, and I know how it feels to be screaming 'somebody DO something' inside. But the truth is that only one person can do anything about the way you feel, and that's you. And I know that seems like a horrible thought, maybe because it feels so impossible just now, but it's the truth. People can support you, and they can listen to you, and they can offer you ways to cope, but only you can change anything.

And it's not impossible. I know that we're not just dealing with a broken heart here, so I'm not just talking about that. I'm talking about it all. Everything that's wrong. And don't give me any of that 'I can't do it' business, because you bloody well can. I did, and I was a GIGANTIC mess.

Now, I'm not big on doling out the pep talks, and I don't say anything I don't mean, so believe that I mean this: you will be ok.

[clementine_the_tangerine]

i understand what ur saying but at the moment i cant get through this by myself. that is what i am trying to tell the 10+ mediical people iv seen over the past few days. i WILL cut myself. i will do weird spontaeous things such as sitting in the pond and hoping to gt hypothermia. they need to put me somewhere

[Mila]

Hi Rachael,

I really feel for you. I'm in a similar situation and it sounds like we might have quite similar emotional responses to stuff. I know it feels natural to always blame yourself for everything and that hurting yourself seems easier than dealing with things in a different way, but in fact it isn't. I learned that when I was younger and even though I still struggle with things and the idea of not being loved (by anyone, but certain people in particular) is horrible, I try to remember that everything always gets better.

That sounds completely stupid, I imagine, especially right now, but it does. I used to think (and wish) I would be dead by the time I was 20. I'm 20 now and here I am, and it doesn't mean that everything is always easy, because it isn't, but I'm so glad that I'm still alive and healthy. Even when everything feels shit, I know that it isn't. I know that I'm lucky to have everything that I have, and that sooner or later I'll realise that and stop letting the bad things make everything bad.

I'm stronger and more capable than that and so are you. We all are, but I also admire the way you've been dealing with some of the things I've been reading about in your posts. You are capable and that is something you should never forget.

I hope you get all the help you need at the moment. If you're not getting what you feel you need from your medical team, firmly let them know this. There may be somewhere else you can get help from or you may be able to refer yourself to a clinic for your own safety if that's what feels appropriate to you.

I don't know what else to say except for that I really do feel for you right now and I'm wishing for you to find the goodness in your life sooner rather than later. You are worth more than you believe, as others have told you.

Lots and lots and lots of love x

[clementine_the_tangerine]

im really sorry

hes changed his status to single on myspace and its killing me and i think i will do something and i dont know why im saying this because theres nothing u can do

[Mila]

Give your mum a phone or shout her if she's at home. Don't be alone. And don't be sorry for anything. xxx

[clementine_the_tangerine]

things seemed to come to a head yesterday, i decided that walking into our garden pond and sitting in it for a while would be a good thing. my mum wanted me to do something positive and take a bath because i hadn't bathed in days and i just tried to hold my breath underwater for as long as i could. i dont know what i was trying because it was quite obvious i couldn't. i cut my face again this morning when my mum went to get my prescription and attempted to suffocate myself under my own pillow, im not sure what i was thinking.

had an appointment with a psychologist today. first question was my age to which i replied twenty..2nd was 'you look young dont you?'. i knew she was going to be shit from there. she managed to spin that into i feel small, i have anger issues and she asked me what i thought love was. when i mentioned that i thought couples were supposed to support eachother she said no you support yourself. i told her im not angry, it's grief and i want to die and she said it's anger. she's been a psychologist for blah blah years. she asked about my childhood and when i had problems which had nothing to do with it. i had a happy childhood and normal tantrums. it felt like she was blaming my mum for the way she dealt with me when i was younger and i felt like my mum was being brainwashed. apparently she was 'sensing' i was angry and psychology is intense so all my emotions were coming out but i told her that i wasnt angry just that she wasnt helping because she was completely and utterly wrong.

i feel like the psychiatrist from the private clinic on monday is my only hope. i dont know what else i can do.

im sorry i feel like i have taken up the depresson section with my things when other people need help and that is why i'm posting in here. all of you have been so supportive already but i just need somewhere to vent, im really sorry if i have brought any of you down because of this

[Sofie]

im sorry i feel like i have taken up the depresson section with my things when other people need help and that is why i'm posting in here. all of you have been so supportive already but i just need somewhere to vent, im really sorry if i have brought any of you down because of this

There's no need to apologise. People would rather you constantly posted in there instead of just dealing with things alone.

[James88]

I hope you get better soon. After all its not the end of the world. And there are plenty more fish in the sea.

[clementine_the_tangerine]

i want to die, i need to die

walked out house last night at midnight slamming door after arguement with mum. it was so cold and i couldnt remember where my friend lived. by chance i managed to locate his house after looking in the car doors to see which was his, i thought someone was going to call the police thinking i was trying to steal a car. sat at his for an hour and came home. mum had called police and they were just going to go and look for me when she rang them back. reallytired, started fluoxatine today.

today i want to die, fridays are always me and chris's night. i dont know what to do with myself anymore. i had a bath and shaved my legs which was pretty much a forest so i feel better for that, had to do it with door unlocked because of what happened last time. really feel like cutting myself and crying, i need to cut my face and just do something.

what set me off last night was that chris was on msn and said i know this is a stupid question but how are you doing? i said he didnt want to know and he told me him andmy friend george were gonna have a word with my tutor about my coursework due in at the end of this half term. i ask WHY im not his responsability and thanked him for the subtle touch of changing his myspace relationship status to single so quickly when he knew i was self harming and his reply was there wasnt an option to hide it. i dont see the need to change it straight away. i feel like people are talking about me or just jumping for glee that he's a free man and they can get their grubby paws on him. it hurts a lot.

i am 20 and realise how ridiculous i sound but i thought he was 'the one' and things were fine the night before. we were fooling around as in he was spanking me because i decided we couldnt have sex because of the sti scare. i wanted to protect HIM. good news about that, im clear so no gonorhoea or anything folks. stopped taking microgynon the pill so my period has come and bleeding all over the place, cannot be bothered with towels.

if i do live then i cant trust. i thought we were similar to soul mates even though i hate that expression. we could have eachother in fits and i thought, i thought, i could tell him everything without being judged but it seems i cant.

today and the weekend will be hard to get through, i know i will self harm again and i dont want to and that is the only reason being im just so tired, im tired of everything, i feel like i have broken down and lost everything. he was everything to me and we were perfect i just dont understand why he doesnt want me. after i got angry on msn and said do u want to see my cuts on my arms? or maybe my face? or even my stomach that you were so fond of? he went offline and just said im going. even that hurt because usually he would say i love you, hugs etc. i tried to ring him but he turned his phone off.

im officially an insane ex who cuts herself and wants to die.

[katchika]

im officially an insane ex who cuts herself and wants to die.

You're not insane. Most people do out of character things that could be described as crazy when going through a break up. You're in shock, especially as it ended suddenly.

Is there any way you can totally avoid contact with him? I know it's hard but it helps, the longer you stay away from him in all forms.

[clementine_the_tangerine]

i know i need to block him or do something but when we were a day apart i would miss him and look forward to seeing him.

its been almost a week now, its just hard

[*Snow White Queen*]

I wish I knew what to say or do to make you feel better :(

You are better than this Rachael. You are better than him. You will move on, you know this deep down. Don't let him ruin your life. I once felt how you did and when I look back, I laugh. I wasted so much time crying and feeling miserable over losers. Don't do the same. You are such a nice girl and deserve so much better.

I really don't know what to say to you as I'm thinking that anything I say won't make you feel better. You know where I am. Talk to me if you need to. Thinking of you :heart:

[**helen**]

You're not insane. Most people do out of character things that could be described as crazy when going through a break up. You're in shock, especially as it ended suddenly.

Is there any way you can totally avoid contact with him? I know it's hard but it helps, the longer you stay away from him in all forms.

:yes: I wanted to say all of this but couldn't write it for some reason - especially the part about shock. Rachael, you really aren't insane.

[SuzyCreamcheese]

Oh Rachael. I wish i could take your pain away for you :(