Paranoid & selfish

[Namaste]

So, I'm recently 'out' out... As in I'm accepting my sexuality much better now and have started posting on some gay message boards. In fact I even went to far as to meet up with a group of them on the weekend and I enjoyed it. Even though some of my mates know I fancy the same sex, but I've been hiding under the 'bi' label (I'd still say I'm around 80-90% gay in theory... May have another bf if I ever happened to fall in love with a man... Think Chasing Amy) and secretely posting on certain messageboards to kind of immerse myself in the scene, to network and to discover myself.

Now I think my friend has posted on these boards, I've removed all my posts and requested that people take down my picture in their quotes. I don't want her to know that I post there, or that I've been to these meets (my friend's straight by the way, or maybe a bit bicurious, she used to flirt with a lesbian friend I had who says she's a big tease... but a lovely person). I like my anonymity, despite being mates with another board member here irl...

I know I sound like a bitch, but I really don't want to turn up to a meeting with my friend there. I love her to pieces, I really do and would never think bad of her but I really would feel uncomfortable. The scene is something which I can reinvent myself and not have to hide a part of me... I guess in a way it's a dislocation of the real world where I repress a bit of me from people.

So am I selfish not wanting her to be there?

Also, she's really pretty and really flirty and likes attention. People (I feel) have made friends with me in the past just to try it on with her and I don't want people being fake friends with me for that reason. I'm not a jealous person, I just value honesty.

I don't know why I feel like this... I thought that maybe I'd be free soon. Now I guess I'll just withdraw from the scene again.

It's weird though... I feel completely comfortable being out with gay women, but not with my brother, or some gay mates back home. Maybe I just know her as 'straight' and she's not... Maybe I think she's jumping my scene when I wanna go it alone, maybe I have low self-esteem and am worried that everybody will talk to my prettier-than-me flirtatious and lovely friend and ignore me as has happened before.

Im not a jealous person, I just feel uncomfortable and am deleting my account once I know all pictures of me have been taken down.

[Jim V]

I think you've pretty much described why it's a problem in the post. You're not being selfish, you're posting to immerse yourself in a certain scene, to see perhaps how it feels to be open about an area of your life that you've been, to a certain degree, hiding. It is a big step to decide to define yourself as a lesbian rather than as bi.

But immersing yourself in a scene, especially before discussing it with close friends, is very different, as you mention, from talking to your brother or your close friends. If that isn't something you're ready to do, then it's inevitable you will want to pull back from the exploration when a friend might also be involved.

I do, however, think it's worth remembering that not everyone will want to be your friend because of her, and if what concerns you is that this scene would be more interested in her than you, well, withdrawing from it will only make that certain. After all, if she is part of a scene you've left, then they are only going to know her and not you.

Ultimately, I don't think it's about jealousy, from what you've said, but about feeling you don't want to share this perspective on yourself yet. All I'd say is that at some point you may need to share with your friends. This could be an opportunity to do that with one friend, rather than a problem that stops you.

[Namaste]

I guess... If she is bicurious she certainly isn't out about it.

You're totally right though... I haven't even told my parents and I'm scared of losing my Mum over it. Also, my Dad's side of the family are strongly religious. I'd lose friends back home for sure and I'm worried if being an 'out' lesbian (although I'm aware that I don't have to shout it off the rooftops) will affect my career.

As for my friends in London, most just accept me for me. One of my best mates (who's also gay, not my other friend) said "no offense, but I don't think anybody will be surprised". She's been wonderful, I'm happy to have such a beautiful friend.

I think you're right about my mate. I think because I've been used in the past I'm taring people with the same brush. It just got annoying when people said hi to me then ask how she is and "oh can you put in a word" or whatever. I mean why the dishonesty? At least admit you're friends with me for that reason and not because you think I'm nice, interesting or funny.