Very confusing Ex... need some eyes to rant to ..

[GoodFella]

Right not sure how long or where this will lead ... so if your a lazy reader ( like me then i would say know, don't bother :p ) ***Essay Alert***

Guess this follows on from a few posts ive made in this forum recently, especially the "What a difference a year makes one" .. well i made that the day before things kinda got a little bit confusing .. and when i say a little bit i mean its fucked my head even more and i seem to have gone back a few stages now in trying to move on from my ex. Im back at the stage we will know of constantly thinking about it, the looking at your phone for a text from her stage and the doing crazy .. nearly going to see her at night stage ... yep, im that stupid.

Last time i saw her and spoke face to face to her was just before i went to uni, mid September. We did have contact through texts but i decided to stop that as it wasnt really helping me .. i guess to forget everything, forget she chose someone else over me, forget how i found out, forget all the feeling crapness of it. In that time i learned that these things wont go away easily .. even without contact with her.

I thought about her every day, that won't stop even now, but i guess not knowing what she was doing or who she was with helped in a way. I didnt forget but i got on with Uni life and kept busy, mostly getting hammered but i seemed to always have something to help me at least for a while forget about it all.

I said to her on that night when i last saw her that maybe i would write her a letter and send it to her. I wont go into detail about what it said exactly, but i guess all you need to know is that i told her pretty much everything about how i felt and what had happened etc. So about early november i came home to see the family for the weekend. I went and posted the letter to her house early in the morning and the next day i was back at uni.

I know she read it, she sent quite an emotional text back but i just told her i was going back "home" to birmingham. Over the next few weeks i tried to get on with things, i mean im glad i sent the letter, guess it got her thinking i dont know. I carried on with not contacting her .. she sent one or two texts here and then .. mostly drunk but i tried to cut it off i guess.

Spose around this time i kinda started to get some strange texts from her, i guess from my view, still having feelings and i guess still having hope that i could be with her again, they made me think. But as some people have said maybe shes just looking for reassurance or something i dont know.
But anyway the texts went along the line of .. " sometimes i think if i made the right choices and if things would be better now ... and i seem to find myself thinking how you are all the time" ... now what the fuck am i to do about that.

Wow okay this has rambled on abit .. tis a bloody essay!! :p

Well i didnt ignore this of course, just left me more confused .. like why would she say these things? Why now? Shes with someone else so why say it?

And then well the last few days here have been even more weird!!

Will try and get to the point :p

Went out on Thursday night with the boys, she started texting asking if i was out and if i would meet her .. i asked her why and what good it would do .. stupidly i went to meet her, i guess cos i wanted to see her and i was curious. Kinda just sat around in the cold chatting random stuff as we do, then decided to get a taxi and just go home. Got to her's and we hugged for god knows how long .. 20/30 minutes .. asked her why she wanted to see and she couldnt reply, she had to think about it. So decided to go home and end the night.

The next day was basically just texting her trying to get answers i guess .. spose most of it all came out on MSN when i chatted/argues with her on there. She said she really wanted to see me, everything reminded her of last year when she was happier, she seems to always think about the happy times and she doesnt know why even now.

The biggest mind fuck of it all i guess came on my birthday, another "deep" texting session .. i apologised if i was the cause of her feeling sad .. but she said its not me .. "i make her feel quite the opposite" ?!? ... then it got weird.
"I hope we can both be happier and stop thinking about each other in ways we shouldnt" ?!?!?! .. as you can imagine i wanted to know what she meant by that .. her reply .. "i dont think its a good idea to chat about this, i dont want to say anything i havent thought through" ?!?!? .. she didnt reply back to anything and i went to sleep. Next day i asked her to tell me what she meant, that i didnt care what it was i just wanted to know .. her reply ..

"fine, well the truth i suppose is that im starting to think things i shouldnt, have feelings i shouldnt have. i mean even if i did think you were crazy enough to want me after everything i did ... im not single and i dont have the strength right now to make it otherwise. im sorry so i suppose that in a way thats why i still want to talk to you .. and why i would rather you moved on"

Now i dont know what the fuck to make of that, its just left me totally dead in the head .. that doesnt help me move on at all ... it helps grow that desire in my heart to think theres still a chance. I mean i know shes told me shes quite lonely, her friends have all gone .. maybe shes looking for reassurance or for me to say something like i'll look after you etc as i have been told .. some good advice from some people off here ... its just leaving me now to maybe go for it again .. but i know thats stupid but if you want my honest feelings, i still want to be with her!

Just dunno what to do about it now, its leading me to think of silly things .. but one bit of advice i was given, as has been posted in another thread to just give her an ultimatum of sorts. I cant keep going with her giving these weird texts saying things like that, i need to know whats she doing, i need the truth .. i need to know once and for all what she wants!

Any thoughts of why she might be doing this? What to do? Things like that. Cutting contact won't work for this .. guess i do need to speak to her to sort it all out once and for all.

Wow sorry for the length of this, thanks for anyone who reads it.

[spartaalbion]

The thing is matey in this situation however much you think of her and however much you think it could work it seems that you and her getting back together will do you no good, the reason being imagine you got back together you will still be living a good distance away from each other, and you can say you trust her till the cows come home but there will always be that doubt that when you haven't heard from her that she is up to something.

In a perfect world you would be with her and everything will be like how it was when you were together before, however that was then. Now without knowing it you are 2 completely different people having experienced a different lifestyle for a year.

If you give her an ultimatum you may end up getting into a situation that is far more difficult that the one that you are currently in. In my opinion the only way that you can possibly move on is to explain to her that for your and maybe even her benefit the only way to move on is to completly sever all ties.

Harsh as it may sound in my own personal experience this is the only way which it has helped. Good luck mate there seems like there is plenty of soul searching to be done and Im sure that the path which you choose will be the right one for you.

[JamesZero]

In all fairness mate it seems the more distant you make yourself to her the more she trys to let you know that she has some sort of feelings for you. She may not be happy in her current relationship and she is trying to hold you on by a string because its making her feel better.
I think either way your best option is to cut contact and really stick to it at least for a while so you can get over her. She is screwing around with you mate and as long as you keep going along with it your never going to be happy.
As spartaalbion even if you 2 ever got back together could you ever fully trust her?
I know this isnt what you wanna her but in the long run its for the best mate!

[GothDetectives]

That is THE MOST unfair thing that she could do to you! "I have feelings for you but no."

She should have kept her big mouth shut. I, like you, am waiting for the day that he comes back to me, but you need to tell yourself IT WONT HAPPEN. If it does, brill, but tell yourself it won't.

I know it's hard to cut contact, I am on no contact until Feb, but maybe cut until you're over her or until she makes up her mind, then you can have HER trailing behind YOU until YOU make up YOUR mind about whether or not you can trust her again.

Good luck hun, life's a bitch

[_guest]

She's got you right where she wants you; she doesn't want to have a relationship with you but she's managing to keep you in a emotional place where you don't have a snowball in hell's chance of moving on and forming a relationship with anyone else. Good (and comforting) for her, but not so much for you.

I wouldn't give her an ultimatum. My instinct tells me that if you do then she'll scuttle off back to her relationship and you won't see her for dust... until the next time she's drunk/lonely/wistful. If you really are thinking about getting her back, or seeing how the land genuinely lies between the two of you, then you need to back off and see how much (if any) effort she's seriously willing to make. Most of us have probably done the late-night leaving of mates to meet up with an ex we're hung up on, or going over to their house late at night as is their wish. If she was thinking in earnest about whether or not things could work again then she would make the time and effort to sort her head out, and then the time and effort to see you on normal, equal terms. Not when you have to trek across town to see her on a whim, though I know myself how hard it is to resist that call or text.

'Course you forgot about all the hurt and heartache she caused you, it's common to look back on a relationship with rose-tinted glasses and that's why so many people retreat again and again into bad relationships that do nothing for them. I would never recommend that you sit and stew over the bad times, and the hurt, in order to start thinking negatively about things... but you do need to put your realistic hat on now and remember the relationship for what it was rather than only the good times. Selective memory can be handy at times but it won't help you in your situation, you need to take ten steps back and look at things for what they really are. Don't hang on her every elusive and intruiging text reading loads into them. It's possible she may want you back, but she might also purely be keeping you hanging on a string. Surely if she was desperate to get things back then she would be laying her feelings on the line and making sure you were 100% sure of the way she feels about you and what she wants to happen. But she isn't, she's holding back for whatever reason.

Obviously you can look at this one of two ways - firstly that this is undoing all the work you did to get over this girl in the first place, and you are completely nuts and should cut contact with her immediately. Secondly is the idea that you have nothing to lose, which I suppose you don't, so you might as well give it the old college try. But bear in mind that she does have something to lose (her current boyfriend) so this will impact every move she makes and [probably] carefully strategised text she sends. It's not your responsibility to do this, but you may actually also want to spare a thought for the other bloke involved and the fact that she is now going behind his back. Of course she has her reasons, but it doesn't exactly show that she's changed into an exemplary and trustworthy girlfriend in your time apart, does it?

Hope you make the right decision for you. I think you'd be nuts to take a giant leap backwards rather than moving forward, but we're none of us sane and rational when it comes to affairs of the heart ;)

[spartaalbion]

Great advice Briggi basically the point I was trying to put across but you managed to do it a lot more eloquently. Rob you should try and take all of this in and draw from it what you wish to.

[GoodFella]

Yeah i see where your all coming from, basically what most people i've asked have told me.

She isn't that kind of girl though, to play games like that or maybe shes just doing it without realising. I asked her if she really thought it would be a good idea to be friends, knowing how i still feel about her and now with her telling me she still has feelings and she still said yes.

Thinking about it its ridiculous whats she been saying, not ridiculous by the fact that i don't think she means it but just the fact shes even saying it all now, she even said " even if something did happen it wouldnt be the same as before, but im no position right now do anything about it", just the fact shes even saying it all is strange.

Well i probably do think maybe just leaving it to her to contact me is the best option ... thats what my head tells me buuuuuut my heart tells me to do something crazy so i dunno ... hmmm so dunno what will happen in the next week.

[sugar_mouse]

ive got to go with what everyone else has said.
i know how strong the urge will be to do something crazy and follow your heart, but DONT! it will be such a hard thing to dol but dont text her, dont reply to her txts+dont meet her.
she chose someone else over you, and has now realised she made a mistake,but wont come crawling back because she's secure in her unhappy relationship with another guy - dont be her back up, move on!

[GoodFella]

Okkk well the stupidness has started ... but gotta stop now. Just been doing the good old texting thing but i gotta stop it!! And they've been stupid texts as well!! Me= idiot! Well actually i guess its been abit different .. she does seem to have either got the message or is backing off i dunno, her replies are abit more distant but again maybe as my texts were rather odd.

But anyway .. won't be doing that again! Definetely not!!

[GoodFella]

Ahhhhhhhh what is she doing texting me still!!!!!!! I've tried to ignore them all so far but now shes asking why im not texting back and such ... grrr!! ahhh :p

[Deep Fathom]

Ahhhhhhhh what is she doing texting me still!!!!!!! I've tried to ignore them all so far but now shes asking why im not texting back and such ... grrr!! ahhh :p

Confront her, get the problem out in the open. It won't do any good if you subtly try to execute your plan. Take the bull by its horns. :razz:

But seriously, that's the best advice I have for you. I think you're being mistreated tbh, you shouldn't tolerate this. But who am I to say this, I'm probably far worse than you.

[GoodFella]

Wellll i just have ... and its kinda just got worse! Said why i wasnt texting her .. she didnt like it, just replying with one word answers, i asked her whats up, why isnt she talking back .. she replies "nothing, do what you want". So fine, im not having this anymore .. just told her not to bother texting me or anything anymore. And thats that .....

[GothDetectives]

eugh she did the stupid stubborn thing. so if she wanted anything with you, shes gone and blown it now. Balls in your court sweetie. Good that you're being decisive :)