Job vs Fiance...

[*DEVIL*]

... and before you say it listen to a few facts. I am not being harsh but need advice. Most would say its obvious "the one you love should come first".

I have been training for nearly 4 years at university - 2 years at sixth form I have worked so hard to be a teacher. My life has revolved around this training and opportunity to be who I want to be.

I met my partner over a year ago and when I got with him last January I made it perfectly clear that my course was so important and that when I qualify July 2007 I will need to look beyond Cornwall to find a job. All was well as he lied to me saying that he would like to move - get away - that his course finished the same year and that he would like to move so I can get a job blah blah (just a reason to get in my pants?) anyway few arguments later it comes out that he does not finish his course for a while and plumbing jobs are hard to get outside of Cornwall. So its either my job or his. I suggested moving away and getting a job and living apart (what a stupid idea - no caring partner would be pleased about parting to other ends of the country when we could easily negotiate. I can't get a job in Cornwall, he can't get one outside of Cornwall. So we are stuffed.

Basically I have tried for 6 years to get to this point and I love my partner to bits but the choice is hard. I cannot stand not having a job but we need to have a little give and take I am in thousands of pounds worth of dept and want to start paying it back.

What do I do?

[Fiend_85]

Why can't he get a job outside of cornwall? Why can't you get a job in cornwall?

[littlemissy]

Surely plumbers can get work everywhere? And why can a teacher not get a job in Cornwall? It's not as if you both have such specialised career paths :confused:

To me, it sounds like there are other underlying reasons (and not the job one). Why are you so adamant to leave Cornwall and why he is so adamant to stay?

Could you not supply for a bit while he finishes his course and then decide where you both want to go?

[*DEVIL*]

Cornwall is well known as being hard to get a job - personally I do not want to wait 2/3 years (average time) to get a job and only be a supply teacher. If I move out of the South West for example Bristol, Kent, London I have more chance. We have had a careers fair today and have been told just how hard it is to get a job in this part of the country. He has known that since we got together. Yes you are right I can try but he is not in dept like I am and to wait almost 3 years before getting a permanent job would just upset me. I don't want to be sponging off handouts.

[Fiend_85]

That's only half the story.

TBH: if you two can't sort this out like adults yourself, then you seriously need to be questioning your relationship, which I guess you are, but none of us have the answer.

It's a shame, a lot of relationships go down the pan this way because people are selfish/stubborn/immature.

[Randomgirl]

Could one of you commute to work?

Either you two live in Cornwall and one commutes out to work or you live out of Cornwall and the other travels in for work?

[*DEVIL*]

Surely plumbers can get work everywhere? And why can a teacher not get a job in Cornwall? It's not as if you both have such specialised career paths :confused:

To me, it sounds like there are other underlying reasons (and not the job one). Why are you so adamant to leave Cornwall and why he is so adamant to stay?

Could you not supply for a bit while he finishes his course and then decide where you both want to go?

I don't want to leave I need to leave. I have known it since I started training down here - my mate got a first and it took her 18 months to get a job. IT the way it is - everyone wants to teach here.

A local school had 239 applicants for one job. I am only going to get a 2/2 degree - I don't want to recieve handouts I need to be willing to move. And when we got together he was more than willing to. He will qualify in a year but is not ready to move for a few years so he says. But he is happy for me to move away and him stay at home.

Believe me moving from my family would cut deep but it has to be done after I have worked so hard for so long. My life has been on hold for 6 years I now want to work and give something back to society. Supply is all very well but even then with no guarantee of work one week I could work 5 days a week the next could only be half a day. I could go weeks without any work. I need a reliable income to survive. Every county needs plumbers!

[*DEVIL*]

I cannot drive - am having driving lessons in the new year which should help but he is still at college. I did think about commuting to london having a weekday address and coming home for weekends but my work load would not allow for that.

[littlemissy]

Cornwall is well known as being hard to get a job - personally I do not want to wait 2/3 years (average time) to get a job and only be a supply teacher. If I move out of the South West for example Bristol, Kent, London I have more chance. We have had a careers fair today and have been told just how hard it is to get a job in this part of the country. He has known that since we got together. Yes you are right I can try but he is not in dept like I am and to wait almost 3 years before getting a permanent job would just upset me. I don't want to be sponging off handouts.


I agree with Fiend. And, tbh, that is a bit of a cop out answer too IMHO.

I am a teacher and I live in an area of the country where it is difficult to get a job. I am doing supply and thoroughly enjoying it. By doing supply you get a foot in the door at a lot of schools so when permenant jobs come up (which is very rarely as teachers don't often get permenant contracts anymore - they are employed on a year by year basis but that's another story) you are more likely to be considered.

Don't diss supply. If you get into a long term supply contract, which comes up in areas where there are no teacher shortages too, then you earn more than you would as an NQT. I am working as a float teacher, 3 days a week minimum and I get more at the end of the month than my friend who has a FT NQT position.

To me, it still doesn't add up.

[*DEVIL*]

I mean like I said when we got together he was more than willing to move. He could not wait. He said that we finished our courses at the same time and as I would be main wage earner we would cope. He also said he would be happy to start up his own business. It has changed since and I don't know why! He knew when his course ended - he can complete the course anywhere in the UK and it could be cheaper elsewhere anyway!

[littlemissy]

Every county needs plumbers!

Then you need to tell your other half this. And if a compromise cannot be made then that's the end of it all tbh. I can't see any other way around it tbh.

[Randomgirl]

I cannot drive - am having driving lessons in the new year which should help but he is still at college. I did think about commuting to london having a weekday address and coming home for weekends but my work load would not allow for that.
You could go by train. If you don't live near to good transport links you could move within Cornwall to somewhere near to a station.

[katchika]

I would have thought plumbers are wanted all over the country.

A similar situation happened to me in the past, my fiance at the time said he would move to Cardiff to be with me and then changed his mind leaving me in the lurch.

It's a big ask to expect someone to move with you but you have to live your own life.

He might resent you if he moved and didn't want to.

It's a hard situation to be in but if you are really meant to be together it will work out.

[g_angel]

Personally he is talking out of his arse. There is almost always a shortage of skilled labour around the country, hence why the tradesmen are able to charge stupidly high fees etc.

I can see where you are coming from that there could be too many people qualified as teachers in Cornwall. It's hardly a densely populated county, and so I agree that you would do best to move from there as there will be finite places available. There is a hell of a demand in London for teachers right now...

To be honest, I feel that a move would probably do you well as getting to a place where you don't know seemingly everybody is a good thing in my books.

Perhaps this is an indication that this is not the person you're meant to be with. Perhaps not, but........ There is no way I would "force" somebody to move, as he obviously has changed his mind, but also, I would personally still make the move myself and not allow this to hold me back when attempting to get a career started that I have spent so many years training for. You're in your early twenties, *plenty* of time ahead of you to meet somebody else if it doesn't work out.

[SuzyCreamcheese]

I agree he is talking out of his arse. Everywhere needs plumbers. I know people that have waited weeks to be able to get a plumber out to them in some areas.

[squeal]

Totally off topic but you aren't going to be an English teacher are you? :p

Maybe you should question him as to why he was so keen to move and suddenly now changed his mind, have you done that? Maybe there is something he is hiding from you that is making him want to stay or maybe doesn't see a future with you anymore.

[g_angel]

To be honest, he could be of a very insular mindset and afraid to leave his comfort zone. I've met many people from Devon/Cornwall when on Holidays - and apart from their trips abroad, very few of them have ever actually left their home counties. This may sound a bit of a generalisation, but it's very very true in my experience.

It could just be as simple as that - he doesn't want to leave what he knows!

Yet again, a perhaps: perhaps you both just have different aims/goals in life and so may not be compatible in the long term. Possibly better to find out now rather than later.

[I'm With Stupid]

To be honest, he could be of a very insular mindset and afraid to leave his comfort zone. I've met many people from Devon/Cornwall when on Holidays - and apart from their trips abroad, very few of them have ever actually left their home counties. This may sound a bit of a generalisation, but it's very very true in my experience.
That's my experience as well, at least here in my home town in Cumbria (which is about an hour in a car from any city at all). A new guy just started at our work, and he came from down south, where he'd worked all over the place. He said everyone he's met has been born and bred here, and none of them seemed to have any ambition to leave. And it just confirmed everything I've noticed since I came back from university.

[*DEVIL*]

Personally he is talking out of his arse. There is almost always a shortage of skilled labour around the country, hence why the tradesmen are able to charge stupidly high fees etc.

I can see where you are coming from that there could be too many people qualified as teachers in Cornwall. It's hardly a densely populated county, and so I agree that you would do best to move from there.

To be honest, I feel that a move would probably do you well as getting to a place where you don't know seemingly everybody is a good thing in my books.

Perhaps this is an indication that this is not the person you're meant to be with. Perhaps not, but........

Thanks you seem to know what you are talking about. The geographical situation I am in is limited I live in an area where schools are the nice little rosy village schools everyone seems to want to work in. Train links and public transport are unreliable - I waited over an hour today for a bus - 2 didn't show, it has been like that for years and I can't see it getting much better.

Even Sheffield a place where teaching jobs are hard to come by the rail links are reliable/regular one train a day from some of the towns in Cornwall is hardly going to help me commute. The people and advisors at the carreers fair said to me today that if you aim to stay in the South West you are unlikely to get a permanent job, and supply is highly unlimited (which I know - my mate spent most of her year after uni struggling needing goverment handouts)

I am not dissing supply teaching I never said it was a bad job but in this area its not a reliable route to take. I have paid the full fees at uni for 4 years and am in massive dept, one day I want to settle down but working 1-3 days a week one week and none the next will not help me. I would love to get a regular set up but even supply teaching is hard to get down here.

The only unfair thing out of all this is that my partner knew from the beginning what he was getting into and was desperate to move. I just don't think his parents want him to go. There is a hold on him from someone. He would be quite happy to let me go but stay.

I can't move away without him, but I don't want to finish the relationship. I just don't know what to do. I need a permanent relaible job and if I can't get that through teaching I need to give up my dream and find something else. many of you have made it clear that I need to be less selfish. Personally I am slightly miffed that he has suddenly changed. I don't think I am being unreasonable I made it clear from the beginning what my 'priorities' were. I am happy to meet him half way but he has not even tried to look at other companies.

[g_angel]

That's my experience as well, at least here in my home town in Cumbria (which is about an hour in a car from any city at all). A new guy just started at our work, and he came from down south, where he'd worked all over the place. He said everyone he's met has been born and bred here, and none of them seemed to have any ambition to leave. And it just confirmed everything I've noticed since I came back from university.

Strange isn't it.

I cannot imagine staying in the same place forever, yet only a couple of weeks ago I was back Ooop North (Bradford) for the weekend and was at a family bash. Female cousin, 22, getting married next yet - yet just doesn't even want to leave Bradford (which is hardly a small town at around 500,000), visit anywhere, travel etc etc etc etc

Just seems such a "Northern" or "small town" thing to do. I can never get my head around it...

[*DEVIL*]

Maybe there is something he is hiding from you that is making him want to stay or maybe doesn't see a future with you anymore.

Well I seem to think either his parents have a hold on him or the girl he used to fancy has reappeared. Who knows. Many things are a mystery to me these days.

I am expected to give up enough for him but he seems to go out when he likes, go away when he likes he has a life that he is allowed to live - I do not!

Things have been slightly rocky for a while but maybe I just have to live with it!:grump:

[g_angel]

Well I seem to think either his parents have a hold on him or the girl he used to fancy has reappeared. Who knows. Many things are a mystery to me these days.

I am expected to give up enough for him but he seems to go out when he likes, go away when he likes he has a life that he is allowed to live - I do not!

Things have been slightly rocky for a while but maybe I just have to live with it!:grump:


If I recall over the last few years you've been in this position a couple of times - in a relationship where you seem to be the half that "caves" and has the tougher deal and the other half seems to half the run of the town... Am I right?

Perhaps (yet another! :lol:) you ARE just living with it for the sake of it? Why can't YOU have the life you want to have? It has to work both ways and on brief first impressions I think you're being walked over, again.

[*DEVIL*]

Yep! MY sister has started working in a nightclub and invited me down - he wont let me go as my ex goes now and again! Its true but I just want to try and please everyone. As long as he is happy I know he wants to be with me. I f i start arguments then we may split up I couldn't go through that!

[I'm With Stupid]

Can I be the first to say it? He sounds like a right twat. He sounds like the typical insecure, jealous, possesive boyfriend type, who's afraid of you actually going anywhere else and meeting new people, in case you find someone better than him. If you let him have his own way, he'll only get worse in my opinion, and you'll just grow to resent him for holding you back. I say do this for you, and if it's meant to be, then the relationship will last through it, and the both of you will be better people for it.

[g_angel]

Yep! MY sister has started working in a nightclub and invited me down - he wont let me go as my ex goes now and again! Its true but I just want to try and please everyone. As long as he is happy I know he wants to be with me. I f i start arguments then we may split up I couldn't go through that!


Honey - it sounds like you're being used as such a doormat and you're playing the "good little woman". Pack it in.

If you want to go out, bloody well go! I bet he wouldn't have any of it if HIS ex may pop into some place from time to time.

Not having an argument just for the sake of keeping the peace sometimes isn't the best option as he will have the upper hand and the "power" in the relationship. To me, that is NOT a healthy situation.

Sounds like you're pleasing everybody but yourself! :mad:

[Mist]

Hmm.

Firstly, you'll get more cash doing regular supply work than in a perm position. You might need a car to do that, but you might need that anyway.

Secondly, I'd say it'd be easier for him to get work as a plumber anywhere in the country than for you to get a job in the same place. Plumbers are still pretty much in demand, they can service a tiny area and get work.

[BumbleBee]

It seems to me from the answers to everyones questions / solutions that you have already made your mind up that moving is what you need to do. Your boyfriend may have originally been up for moving because there were other things going on in his life at the time. Statements like "to get in my pants" would suggest to me that you don't have any respect for your boyfriend. I wouldn't be with anyone I thought would lie to me to get into my knickers. Perhaps you just need to take the plunge and break things off? Or maybe not? The decision is yours.

[lucifer devil]

go for job every time. neither of you should really have to sacrifice where you want to live/your job. sometimes it's at times like this in your life that you realise you have to end things.

[Namaste]

To be honest, I'd go where the jobs are.

I think your partner is being selfish to be honest. If you love somebody then you support them all the way and he doesn't seem that supportive if he knew you were moving away then makes up a bullshitty excuse not to go with you.

He should maybe be honest and say that he'd be uncomfortable moving away? I grew up in a town that's quite insular and never really went many places without my parents until I was 20 because it scared me.

Ended up going to Liverpool and Manchester with some maes though and then finally to university in London. As somebody has already said, it's about comfort zones.

But yeah, I'd go for the job. Relationships don't last forever, but opportunities to move around, meet new people and get a wonderful job can vanish in a heartbeat.

[sugar_mouse]

hoenstly....just get shot of him! your lives have taken 2 different routes; and he isnt willing to comprimise. do not let your dream go because of him - get yourself a job (whether it be permanent, or supply, whichever gets you the best experience+allows you to pay off your debts quickest). Also, why do you let him control you? he can stop you going anywhere, and he shouldnt try emotional blackmail in order to persuade you not to! you clearly dont trust him+he doesnt seem to trust you....so end it hun!

[budda]

Firstly, you'll get more cash doing regular supply work than in a perm position.

No you dont, or at least didnt, you do get paid more per day but you dont get holiday or sick pay. So if you work every day as a supply you should earn roughly the same as if you have a perm post.

[I'm With Stupid]

hoenstly....just get shot of him! your lives have taken 2 different routes; and he isnt willing to comprimise. do not let your dream go because of him - get yourself a job (whether it be permanent, or supply, whichever gets you the best experience+allows you to pay off your debts quickest). Also, why do you let him control you? he can stop you going anywhere, and he shouldnt try emotional blackmail in order to persuade you not to! you clearly dont trust him+he doesnt seem to trust you....so end it hun!
I don't think that's necessarily true. Sometimes people just need a shot in the arm to realise they're being a twat about something. If he thinks he's gonna lose you, he might realise that he can't try and control your life, and realise that you are actually more important to him that staying at home. Or he won't and you'll end the relationship knowing that you weren't as important to him as he'd have you believe. If it's meant to be, you'll find a way to work through it where neither of you have to compromise. It's hardly the biggest dilemma a couple has ever faced and got through.

[intrepide]

well i'm probably just saying what other people have but you have worked hard for what you've got and you should go for it in my opinion. if he really was the one for you, he would support you in following your dream - and in my opinion, he wont need to give up his own dream to do this since i agree that plumbers are needed everywhere.
speak to him, tell him clearly how much this means to you and that you plan to do it, with or without him. if he really loves you, he will be willing to work together with you to come up with a compromise. if not, then at least you found out now before you give up your dreams for him

[nelly_bar]

well i'm probably just saying what other people have but you have worked hard for what you've got and you should go for it in my opinion. if he really was the one for you, he would support you in following your dream - and in my opinion, he wont need to give up his own dream to do this since i agree that plumbers are needed everywhere.
speak to him, tell him clearly how much this means to you and that you plan to do it, with or without him. if he really loves you, he will be willing to work together with you to come up with a compromise. if not, then at least you found out now before you give up your dreams for him

Well said:)

[Sopycookie]

if you give up your dreams of being a teacher and stay where you are to be with him, you'll end up resenting him and youll stop loving him and then all your hard work will have been for nothing and your sacrefise will have been for nothing, i wouldnt give up your dream youve worked hard and you deserve to do what will make you happy.

[katralla]

job

[Fiend_85]

Just for the record, the happiest couples I know, are happy because of each other, not because they have the job of their dreams, or think they have the job of their dreams.

[VinylVicky]

Just for the record, the happiest couples I know, are happy because of each other, not because they have the job of their dreams, or think they have the job of their dreams.
True that.

[budda]

Just for the record, the happiest couples I know, are happy because of each other, not because they have the job of their dreams, or think they have the job of their dreams.

That doesnt mean you should give up your ambitions though.

[sophia]

.

[briggi]

Basically I would agree with the concensus of this thread, and from what you've said I think you are going to go for job over boyfriend regardless of what anyone says. Trusting your instincts is all you can really do! I am however going to go to bat for the boyfriend here on one point, I think people are rather unfairly coming down on him like a ton of bricks when really all he's done wrong (in terms of jobs vs fiances, as the controlling issue is another thread entirely) is to change his mind.

As a side-issue, I think it's cod pyschology to say that people who want to stay where they've grown up and have a network of friends and family are somehow lacking in ambition, are boring and not going to go anywhere in life. That is just subscribing to the old cliche about bright lights, big city equalling success. It may be true for people who want to see their name in lights but for teachers, plumbers, shop assistants, nurses etc they have as much chance of finding a job in many smaller towns as they do in the biggest city. I also find the vein of snobbishness running through this thread regarding small towns = small minds to be pretty backward. I'm sorry, it's total bollocks. Also what's this about relationships coming and going, but jobs lasting forever. Granted, some people's relationships might be like that (and indeed it sounds as if the OP's isn't exactly ideal) but I personally have more relationship security than job security. You can't generalise that job is always going to come before signifigant other, though I would say that if you do have to question it even for a second then that's your answer right there.

[SuzyCreamcheese]

exactly. There will be PLENTY of time in the future when youre tied down and cant pursue your dreams. If you dont do it now, you could well regret it.

[Ballerina]

how does having a partner stop people from persuing their dreams though?

[katchika]

how does having a partner stop people from persuing their dreams though?

It doesn't necessarily STOP them but it can hold them back.
It's one of the reasons I don't really want to settle down too soon, because I don't want to be stuck here, I want to make the most of all possible opportunities.

People who are single are more open to all options such as working overseas, moving to another city to follow their dreams etc. I'm not saying people in relationships are not, just less likely.

In my experience anyway I've done a lot more when I've been single.

[*DEVIL*]

Just for the record, the happiest couples I know, are happy because of each other, not because they have the job of their dreams, or think they have the job of their dreams.

I agree with you however I feel not having money, struggling to make ends meet, with university debts to pay off would not help. I know that some of my friends who although in a happy relationship with kids and everything they ever wanted are still unhappy as they are in a dead end job that they do to get through life and to pay bills.

I worked in Somerfields for 3 years and detested it. ABSOLUTELY hated it because it was not stretching me far enough! Others however love a 9-5 job they can leave at the end of the day with little responsibility. I love being a teacher, it is what I have worked for and hence being a teacher (making me happy) will allow us to be happier. There is no way I would be selfish and bring a child into the world until we both are economically and emotionally safe and we both will be when we have the jobs we want.

[Pink Soda]

I really don't see the dilemma, if he was my boyfriend I'd give him a kick up the backside and say if he really wanted to be with me for the rest of his life, then he'd realise that tradesman jobs such as plumbers are needed EVERYWHERE, and that he shouldn't hold me back from getting something which I've worked so hard for.
My boyfriend is a tradesman and said he'd be prepared to move anywhere I'm required to live for a job. However I'm not sure if we'll still be together when I finish uni.
What exactly is holding him down in Cornwall? Are you sure it's not just lifestyle, family and friends rather than his job?