ravergrrl
06-12-2006, 10:54 PM
Ok well, the story goes that she isn't in love with me but she wants to be. I am in love with her and so much so that I am still friends with her and we get along great. she cheated on me 2 months into the relationship and she feels bad because she said she doesn't want to hurt me and it hurts her that she did. She was drunk and high, I don't count this as an excuse but I could understand that it would be easier in that state. However, she told me that when she did it with the first girl, she thought, "hey, all the guys want her and I can have her so I'm going to take this opportunity." then the second time she said "i was really drunk and i didnt want to sleep with her but she jumped me and i was like, well im already in it so might as well continue". now, i asked her if she regretted it and she said that she regretted it only because she was in a relationship with me and for no other reasons. she said she thought of me before but she said that she knew I would take her back (and i want to... she broke it off) and that was enough. I feel like even if now she says she loves me but just isnt in love with me... i feel like you can't really love someone if you disrespect them like that. It's complicated because we are excellent friends and I dont really know if she does love me in any way because she did that. I know she feels guilty but it's only because she hurt me, i dont know if she feels guilty because she believes its wrong to cheat. Now, i got into the relationship fully knowing that she had cheated on everyone she has been with. Now, just today she said... can we be friends with benifits? can we still have sex? i dont know how to answer that. and i dont know why she would ask that... i dont have an explanation. The thing is that i was the best thing that she ever had (she told me and i believe her considering the girlfriends she has had) and that she wants to fall in love with me but is that really what she wants? i mean, right now a comitted relationship is not something she wants, but can she change? will she grow up? she has a committment phobia as well. so i dont know, can she develop feelings for me? can love come even after all this? I hope to god it's possible. she tells me that the thought of me being with someone else makes her angry and sad because i would be giving them what she lost and would have "made a mistake" (and i did give her everything, and i mean everything... i was selfless... i was as close to perfect as i could ever be with her, i never screamed or got mad, i always listened and i always helped her... so take that into account)and even if she isnt in love with me, it hurts her. is that her just being selfish? maybe not because she hasnt really said that about other ppl and I know... she doesnt lie to me (well besides the obvious, but other than that i know for a fact she has never lied about anything but i could be wrong too), is it possible that she is in love but just doesnt feel ready? (this is a long distance relationship but only 200 miles btw) she tells me she doesnt really know how she feels and that if she is in love she can't tell that's the feeling she has. I dont know! its so confusing. she has had a difficult past and i think it might be affecting her. she is insecure, she doesnt respect herself... and i can tell, maybe once she deals with those issues then love will come... for me or for whomever, because she has never been in love and she feels like she never will be. I believe that if you only try to fall in love, it wont come. I believe you have to let go and be free and be yourself and be confident. Sometimes getting into a relationship gives you the confidence but her issues are really deep (she was raped, and her parents divorced and left her when she was 3 and then her dad came back. her mother has a series of mental illnesses... anyway, it was hard and she grew up in a "ghetto" crackhead neighbourhood. I can tell she doesnt belong because it's not who she really is. she just doesnt have the confidence to be who she really is). anyway i am hoping that by being her friend and helping her through everything she will be able to love me or someone else.
I know its long and there are a lot of questions i would like answered or given opinions to, but Id appreciate that a lot and anything more you would like to add. THANK YOU SO MUCH TO EVERYONE!
Jenn
I know its long and there are a lot of questions i would like answered or given opinions to, but Id appreciate that a lot and anything more you would like to add. THANK YOU SO MUCH TO EVERYONE!
Jenn