View Full Version : long term relationships
Hi
not sure if anyone here remembers me - been a Looong time!
I am having a crisis. I have been with my BF for years, we have a house and a dog and cats etc. As some of you may know I have not always been happy. However I have struggled to make it work all these years and tried to convince myself that I can live without affection.
Until recently when I became involved with another man (Started as friends). This freindship has accelerated at such high speed that I now feel I have to end my relationship despite all the stress and upset it will cause for us both.
I don't know what to do - well I do know what I have to do - I have to end it with my boyfriend. But I am so scared. Any advice? Particularly about coping with having to share a house with my ex while we sort stuff out.
anyone done this?
Am I rushing things?
Miffy
29-11-2006, 03:42 PM
Hey byny.
I shared a house with my ex whilst we were separating, for 10 months. It wasn't a picnic, I have to be honest, and at times I felt like I was losing my mind. I spent ten months sitting in the kitchen basically, whilst he stayed in the front room. I'm glad I parted from him, but I wonder if I'd have done things diffrently if I had had somewhere else to go.
As for whether you're rushing things... only you can really know that. I'm inclined to think that it's probably just come to an inevitable end considering the things you posted before. If it's over, it's over, be honest with yourself. Reading between the lines it was over some time ago and this other man is just the catalyst that's spurred you on to doing something about it.
What exactly do you think you might be rushing, anyway? The split from your BF or the relationship with the OM? Sorry, I'm just not quite clear on that point.
As for advice about still sharing a house in the meantime.... how much is there to sort out? And is he likely to be reasonable?
Kermit
29-11-2006, 03:52 PM
Didn't you ask about this about a year ago? I don't think you're rushing at all, I'm surprised you've lasted this long.
As for helping with the stress of living with an ex, I don't have too much advice except don't do it for long.
Hey byny.
I shared a house with my ex whilst we were separating, for 10 months. It wasn't a picnic, I have to be honest, and at times I felt like I was losing my mind. I spent ten months sitting in the kitchen basically, whilst he stayed in the front room. I'm glad I parted from him, but I wonder if I'd have done things diffrently if I had had somewhere else to go.
As for whether you're rushing things... only you can really know that. I'm inclined to think that it's probably just come to an inevitable end considering the things you posted before. If it's over, it's over, be honest with yourself. Reading between the lines it was over some time ago and this other man is just the catalyst that's spurred you on to doing something about it.
What exactly do you think you might be rushing, anyway? The split from your BF or the relationship with the OM? Sorry, I'm just not quite clear on that point.
As for advice about still sharing a house in the meantime.... how much is there to sort out? And is he likely to be reasonable?
hiya :)
wel - we are kind of at that separate rooms stage anyway. I am a bit worried about the fastness of the new relationship because although we have 'known' eachother for 15 months, a lot of that was through a forum (Even though we only live 10 miles apart) .. the last 5 months we've met a lot as friends, but then in the last 2 months it's become more intense. I do trust him and my instinct. I just worry a bit.
I am scared of the practicalities of splitting and the hurt I will be causing. And plucking up the courage, and whether to be honest about this other guy etc.
lipsy
29-11-2006, 04:10 PM
i don't want to sound rude but maybe your partner wants to split up too but is actually just scared like you are. it might be a lot easier than you think - especially if you're already sleeping in seperate bedrooms.
Kermit
29-11-2006, 04:17 PM
Even if this relationship doesn't work out (there's a good chance it may not) it is better to be single than to be stuck in separate rooms with someone you don't like.
LeicesterLuke
29-11-2006, 04:19 PM
I don't think you're rushing at all, I'm surprised you've lasted this long.
Yeah I agree. I don't know your story really and i'm not being personal, but it constantly amazes me how couples who are either not attracted to each other or not affectionate with each other at all or even dont like each other that much stay together for so long, just because they don't want to be single and out of their comfort zones again, or can't be bothered with the process of breaking up. Surely it's better to be happy, or find someone it does work with rather than stay in a pointless, unhappy relationship? Or am I completely missing something?
budda
29-11-2006, 04:23 PM
It sounds like a slightly odd suggestion, but you might want to consider going to a few Relate sessions, they do 'splitting up' counselling as well.
i don't want to sound rude but maybe your partner wants to split up too but is actually just scared like you are. it might be a lot easier than you think - especially if you're already sleeping in seperate bedrooms.
sorry - we're not in separate beadrooms but you could park a truck between us when we are in bed. We spend most of the rest of the time apart.
It sounds like a slightly odd suggestion, but you might want to consider going to a few Relate sessions, they do 'splitting up' counselling as well.
no this doesn't sound silly - do I do this before or after I tell him though :(
budda
29-11-2006, 04:38 PM
no this doesn't sound silly - do I do this before or after I tell him though :(
I think you are supposed to go together, so you have some structure to the process, and you're supervised.
Yerascrote
29-11-2006, 05:21 PM
Can't give you advice, just wanted to say hello! :wave:
**Helen**
29-11-2006, 05:24 PM
I think you are supposed to go together, so you have some structure to the process, and you're supervised.
Or they do see individuals.
Perhaps go by yourself for a consultation first - they'll soon tell you if they think it will be more constructive to have both of you there.
As to telling him before or after, I think that's something you need to decide for yourself. ;)
SuzyCreamcheese
29-11-2006, 05:27 PM
hey Byny, im also surprised its lasted this long and you havent got out long before now.
I think its only fear of the unknown keeping you there, but you need to just do it and get it over and done this. You havent been happy for years, and if youve got a chance to actually have a bit of happiness in your love life then you deserve it. Theres no kids, so thats a bonus. Im not saying there will be no hurt there, but id say your partner probably isnt that happy either and this will be a relief for both of you. It just takes one of you with the most guts to actually admit its over.
is there a spare room you could sleep in while you sort out the house sale, or could one of you buy the other out?
Miffy
29-11-2006, 05:30 PM
As for worrying about the hurt you'll cause, well maybe ultimately it would be kinder to be honest about the way you feel so that he has the opportunity to build another life for himself too and be happy. Cause from what you're describing neither of you is happy right now.
Look at it this way, can you imagine yourself still in this relationship in 5 years? Or 10 years? 20 years? I think you know what you have to do.
eternalsunshine23uk
29-11-2006, 06:31 PM
hi
i know this prob wont help but at least you have realised the truth now even if it has been for a long time. I cant give any advice really coz im in a 5 year realtionship and its fine. we have ups and downs like any couple but still totally in love deep inside.
Anyway when we did have one fight i did find it really hard to move into another room. i think maybe if you write down what you want from life now on......i find writing things down helps clear my head. you need a plan.
hes prob as unsure as you about what happens next. can you talk to him at all without fighting?
thanks guys.
I know this has been dragging on too long and I should have had the courage to get out before now. It's a shame that my meeting someone else has kind of forced this. I am not sure if I should mention this other person, or if I should just tell him (boyfriend) I see no future for us.
I don't want to drag the other person into it but obviously he is the catalyst for all this, and My boyfriend may well ask if there is someone else.
Maybe I am freaking out about this so much it's stopping me from saying anything - and I really should just say it and get it over with.
Life of Kate
30-11-2006, 11:24 AM
I wouldn't tell him there is someone else. I also wouldn't rush into this other thing when you do split up with him...
I'm already quite deeply into the other thing but I won't be moving in with him or anything. We're going to see how it goes. I won't volunteer the info but I feel sure he will ask, and I have to try not to insult his intelligence.
sophia
30-11-2006, 12:00 PM
.
*Snow White Queen*
30-11-2006, 12:18 PM
Gotta agree with Sophia tbh. I broke up with my ex of 3 years late last year. I can't say it was easy. I had been unhappy with him for years but stayed with him because I thought its what I wanted. I then almost got back with him several times as I found life without him so strange. I had spent 3 years with him. He knew everything about me, he was my best friend and I found it hard with him suddenly not being there.
He tried to get back with me several times but thankfully, I had the courage to turn him away. It was very difficult though. Still, it was the right decision and now, a year on, I'm so much happier and my life is so much better.
So like yeah, I agree with Sophia about that.
As for you Byny, theres not much I can add to what people have said but I'd just go ahead and do it tbh. Its obvious that you've made your mind. It will be hard for a while but afterwards you will be so much happier. Keep strong and keep smiling. Keep telling yourself that its for the best and that its what you want. And as everyone else has said, make sure that you let your friends help you.
Good luck :)
johnnny
30-11-2006, 12:38 PM
stop pissing around.It's finished.
thanks again - I know it is finished. I just don't know if my boyfriend realises. It finished the day i slept with another man, though it was dead anyway.
It's the fear of actually saying it out loud I guess. And then the dealing with attempting to be adult about it, splitting everything, selling the house, deciding on the custody of the dog.... though these things seem so insignificant to having the actual discussion.
SuzyCreamcheese
30-11-2006, 03:46 PM
Good luck Byny. As Sophia said, it wont be easy, but I think youll probably feel a great deal of relief once youve actually told him. You have to be brave and do it.
My ex of 9 years split up with me 18 months ago and although it was HIDEOUSLY painful at the time, Im SOO glad he had the guts to do it, because Im pretty sure i would have plodded on being unhappy forever if he hadnt done it, and im a million times happier now than I ever was with him.
Theres no point in putting it off and putting it off if its inevitable anyway. Be with the one your heart is telling you to go for.
Good luck Byny. As Sophia said, it wont be easy, but I think youll probably feel a great deal of relief once youve actually told him. You have to be brave and do it.
My ex of 9 years split up with me 18 months ago and although it was HIDEOUSLY painful at the time, Im SOO glad he had the guts to do it, because Im pretty sure i would have plodded on being unhappy forever if he hadnt done it, and im a million times happier now than I ever was with him.
Theres no point in putting it off and putting it off if its inevitable anyway. Be with the one your heart is telling you to go for.
thanks. I know I will feel lods better once I have had the conversation.
ShyBoy
30-11-2006, 05:01 PM
thanks guys.
I know this has been dragging on too long and I should have had the courage to get out before now. It's a shame that my meeting someone else has kind of forced this. I am not sure if I should mention this other person, or if I should just tell him (boyfriend) I see no future for us.
I don't want to drag the other person into it but obviously he is the catalyst for all this, and My boyfriend may well ask if there is someone else.
Maybe I am freaking out about this so much it's stopping me from saying anything - and I really should just say it and get it over with.
Don't tell him there's someone else.
My ex was planning to split with me, but I found out there was someone else first. I'm still struggling to cope with the idea of another relationship, that my trust was betrayed so much. I'd have rather her be up front and say 'I think our relationship has come to an end'. Or something like that.
Anyway, best of luck :) you know it's the right thing to do. Just think of all the opportunities you'll have when he's behind you.
LeicesterLuke
30-11-2006, 08:20 PM
Yes, I think you are. Have you ever been in a long term relationship, out of interest?
Yes, thankyou for asking. Have you?! :p
OK - well I did it. it's not sunk in I don't think. He was shocked but not angry or upset or aggressive. At least not last night. Is it usual to be having second thoughts even though you know what you really want? I know what I want I just think I am scared of seeing it through.
SuzyCreamcheese
01-12-2006, 08:01 PM
well done Byny, and yes, it IS normal to wonder if youve done the right thing, and second guess yourself.
Olive
01-12-2006, 08:38 PM
well done Byny, and yes, it IS normal to wonder if youve done the right thing, and second guess yourself.
:yes: definitely.
I think you've been really brave, byny. Don't go thinking that just because it's what you want, it'll be easy, cause when your whole life is tangled up with someone else's that way, it's always going to hurt to rip yourselves apart.
Also don't be ashamed/worried about this new guy. It might last with him, it might not. The point is more that if you can feel that way about another person, maybe it's time to move on.
Got my fingers crossed for you from here on, anyway. :)
Well today has been heartbreaking. He is really devastated and beggbng me to reconsider but I have done it now and I can't go back. I feel so guilty and yet so happy that I did it. I just hope he stops asking me to stay (though I have to physically stay as we co-own the house).
it hurts me to see him so upset, yet I have not shed a tear :(
ShyBoy
02-12-2006, 11:16 PM
Why not move out for a bit, even just to a friends for a few days? The immediate aftermath is pretty difficult to deal with. I'm not saying it'll be fine when you get back... but at least then he can accept it. Being in his shoes, I know being heartbroken you kind of lose your perspective on everything. Being around friends helped me, maybe if you give him some space then he'll see his friends?
SuzyCreamcheese
02-12-2006, 11:34 PM
he`ll be devastated that his comfort zone has gone. Itll take time for him. Being dumped is never nice, even when you know its for the best deep down.
Youve done the right thing though Byny.
yeah - I am at my sisters now but he keeps sending text messages asking me to reconsider. I answered a few but decided to stop. I have told him to speak to his friends as I am the cause of his upset and can't say what he wants to hear.
It is just too sad. We will have to keep up our routines (Cats and dogs) for some time :(
Miffy
03-12-2006, 08:41 AM
Oh, my ex did this, it makes you feel like crap, doesn't it? My ex became pathetic after I told him and it felt like kicking a puppy.
To begin with he just didn't believe me, for about the first month, he kept saying things like, "You don't really mean it, do you?" :rolleyes: Then he kept asking if it was only going to be a trial separation... To begin with I used to answer him, and feel bad, but after a pretty short time I just started to feel annoyed. I didn't answer him then, I just used to roll my eyes and sigh.
Like SCC said, it'll take time for him to process the information, and until then you just have to stay strong. You obviously know you've done the right thing.
that's a perfect expression. When i first told him he kinda rolled over and let it happen but I knew he didn't really believe it. Now he is just trying to keep me. I feel so bad, he says he is losing the person who is most important to him and I had to say to him that he had already lost me :(
it's really horrible but I can't (for both our sakes) say anything that will give him hope because I don't want this anymore.
I feel like a total cow and I know he is going to mount a campaign to convince me to stay but I haven't been happy for years and him mtelling me now how much he loves me doesn't mean anything because he hasn't properly shown it for a long time.
I feel scared because I have someone else who I think I have slowly fallen in love with and who is in love with me but we're being cautious because it's quite early (though we have known eachother for over a year in one way or another) - I am scared because I don't want to be ending a relationship this long and pinning all my hopes on the new 'thing' but at the moment it feels right and has just been the thing to spur me on to do something about my own happiness.
And most of all it feels right.
Miffy
03-12-2006, 01:07 PM
I feel like a total cow and I know he is going to mount a campaign to convince me to stay but I haven't been happy for years and him mtelling me now how much he loves me doesn't mean anything because he hasn't properly shown it for a long time.
Same here, again. Too little, too late.
I am breaking his heart and ruining his life it seems but I can't stay and have my life ruined. I have never done anything like this before and it's really scary because I feel like I have the power to make his life ok again but I don't want to and that seems so cruel. What can i say to him to make him ok? :confused: I guess only time will make things better.
Miffy
03-12-2006, 02:27 PM
You can't make him OK. Only he can do that, in time. You won't ruin his life. If you stayed with him out of pity, THAT would ultimately be cruel and that might ruin his life, because you'd actually be condemning him to a life stuck in a loveless relationship.... as it is he now has the chance to eventually find someone who will love him and make him happy. From what you've said it doesn't REALLY sound like either of you have been happy, regardless of what he's saying at the moment. He's not thinking straight.
Much much happier now.... ex being civil, I am in the spare room and I feel happy.
SuzyCreamcheese
05-12-2006, 05:33 PM
Brilliant news :D
Have no fear that I have made the right decision now. Am seeing how things go now with this whole new start. It feels exciting and right. I guess the hardest bit is getting the words out and sticking to them. I know we (the ex and I) will have our troubles while dividing our belongings and house, but it all feels good :D
TheKingOfGlasgow
08-12-2006, 02:39 PM
Hi Byny,
I feel your pain here cause I'm going through almost the same situation (long term, 5 years, but minus the living together thing), and it is really hard to do, but I'm glad you found the courage to do it. It took me three months away in America to work up the guts to do it, and it was still really hard to do when I got back... Especially since it was the first thing I did after I got some sleep and a wash. Anyway, I hope you're doing ok and keeping on being positive. I know it's hard just now, but keep your chin up.
KoG
Yeah - I'm ok. Bit of a wobble from him couple of days ago but it's all good. It's hard to pluck up the courage to do it, and sometimes hard to stick to the decision but this time I know I am doing the right thing! I think generally you just know when it's not right anymore and there's no fight left in you.
So. Have moved into the spare room properly now and it's a shambles. Don't know how long I can live like this TBH, but don't want to rush into selling and freak my ex out. We can be amicable, and more or less it has been. Which is weird really.
This morning he asked me if I was planning to move out over New Year (He's going away) which I thought was a bit odd. He thought because I had stuff in boxes etc that I was going to leave.
SuzyCreamcheese
13-12-2006, 12:03 PM
he probably wants some closure too. Is he in a position to buy you out?
no - I don't want him to. I think we can live there a while and then sell. I don't want to stay in that city in a big old house, would rather move later all in one go!
Does that sound weird.
I think we can live together quite reasonably!
SuzyCreamcheese
13-12-2006, 03:48 PM
You might be kidding yourself Byny.
He might find that quite painful.
On the contrary - when I mentioned to him this morning that we should sit down and talk about what we're going to do - he looked more shocked by the suggestion that we might actually sell the place. Maybe it's that he hasn't really come to terms with what's happening?
Is it possible though that he's realised that we can't be lovers anymore but that after 12 years he still thinks we can be friends? I mean, when he suggested helping me with my stuff tonight and I told him I would be late back he said, casually, and with a grin 'oh - going to see your boyfriend?'
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