minx_xx
31-05-2006, 12:22 AM
I can't seem to shake away the black cloud i have hanging over my head. I feel like a fraud as there is no obvious reason why i should be feeling and acting the way do.
I have a lot of good in my life. I have a good, respectable job which is going well. I have a great family who, although my parents are divorced, have never shown me anything but love. I have recently bought my first property and love the feeling of independence it gives me. I have a number of friends scattered around the country, from college/university/work. Although i don't really have anyone in particular who i would consider my 'best' friend, i know there are people out there that i could contact if i needed someone. And finally, i have a boyfriend who i adore.
For some reason though, this is where my problems seem to lie.
I have been with my boyfriend for 9 months and, after having a wealth of experience over the years with relationships, i know i have met someone who i can imagine spending the rest of my life with. My problem is that as the months go on i am becoming increasingly irrational in my thoughts and moods. I trust my boyfriend 100% but i still find myself worrying that he will meet someone else and leave me.
I am a very logical person (or at least i like to think i am). I know that there is no possible way he could be seeing anyone else as we spend a lot of time together and when we are apart we are talking or texting on the phone. I believe him when he says he loves me and he has shared with me his desire for us to think about moving in together within the next year (something which i want too).
Regardless of this i still find myself snooping through his phone and emails. I hate myself for doing this but can't seem to stop myself. By doing this i have discovered that he has had contact with his ex girlfriend - nothing major, just a hello and a catch up on news a couple of times, and not necessarily instigated by him. I'm not stupid and i understand that people often do keep in contact after they break up. And if i'm honest with myself, i know that my boyfriend would have no interest in getting back together with his ex. The problem is i have asked him recently if he has heard from her at all and he confidently looked me in the eye and said no. Obviously i know this isn't the case and now i feel uneasy because he has so blantently lied to me. I know he didn't tell me the truth because he probably thought i'd get insecure about it but that doesn't stop me feeling the way i do.
Even though my boyfriend doesn't know about the snooping, he knows that something's not right. Whenever we go out and have a few drinks i always end up getting insecure and start behaving in a stupid way - saying irrational things and accusing him of saying/doing things. The next day he's always really good and says he understands but i can tell it frustrates him. He says that by being insecure it makes him feel bad as he thinks he obviously doesn't show me he loves me enough. I don't want him feeling bad when it is me that has the issues. I can't keep on going the way i am though as everytime i drink alcohol i get the same way, like i can't hide my true feelings. I can get quite angry and we often end up arguing at the end of the night.
I'm so up and down with my emotions. I hate feeling so insecure as i'm normally quite a confident person. I feel like i've got demons in my head and i can't seem to battle them away. I'm not sure what i'm expecting to get out of posting this message but i feel like i've got to get my thoughts down in the hope that someone can stop me feeling like this before i completely ruin my relationship with my boyfriend.
Any advice is welcome. Thanks for listening.
I have a lot of good in my life. I have a good, respectable job which is going well. I have a great family who, although my parents are divorced, have never shown me anything but love. I have recently bought my first property and love the feeling of independence it gives me. I have a number of friends scattered around the country, from college/university/work. Although i don't really have anyone in particular who i would consider my 'best' friend, i know there are people out there that i could contact if i needed someone. And finally, i have a boyfriend who i adore.
For some reason though, this is where my problems seem to lie.
I have been with my boyfriend for 9 months and, after having a wealth of experience over the years with relationships, i know i have met someone who i can imagine spending the rest of my life with. My problem is that as the months go on i am becoming increasingly irrational in my thoughts and moods. I trust my boyfriend 100% but i still find myself worrying that he will meet someone else and leave me.
I am a very logical person (or at least i like to think i am). I know that there is no possible way he could be seeing anyone else as we spend a lot of time together and when we are apart we are talking or texting on the phone. I believe him when he says he loves me and he has shared with me his desire for us to think about moving in together within the next year (something which i want too).
Regardless of this i still find myself snooping through his phone and emails. I hate myself for doing this but can't seem to stop myself. By doing this i have discovered that he has had contact with his ex girlfriend - nothing major, just a hello and a catch up on news a couple of times, and not necessarily instigated by him. I'm not stupid and i understand that people often do keep in contact after they break up. And if i'm honest with myself, i know that my boyfriend would have no interest in getting back together with his ex. The problem is i have asked him recently if he has heard from her at all and he confidently looked me in the eye and said no. Obviously i know this isn't the case and now i feel uneasy because he has so blantently lied to me. I know he didn't tell me the truth because he probably thought i'd get insecure about it but that doesn't stop me feeling the way i do.
Even though my boyfriend doesn't know about the snooping, he knows that something's not right. Whenever we go out and have a few drinks i always end up getting insecure and start behaving in a stupid way - saying irrational things and accusing him of saying/doing things. The next day he's always really good and says he understands but i can tell it frustrates him. He says that by being insecure it makes him feel bad as he thinks he obviously doesn't show me he loves me enough. I don't want him feeling bad when it is me that has the issues. I can't keep on going the way i am though as everytime i drink alcohol i get the same way, like i can't hide my true feelings. I can get quite angry and we often end up arguing at the end of the night.
I'm so up and down with my emotions. I hate feeling so insecure as i'm normally quite a confident person. I feel like i've got demons in my head and i can't seem to battle them away. I'm not sure what i'm expecting to get out of posting this message but i feel like i've got to get my thoughts down in the hope that someone can stop me feeling like this before i completely ruin my relationship with my boyfriend.
Any advice is welcome. Thanks for listening.